Leave Nothing Unsaid

Dad is not doing well. He was in the hospital, yet again. Now he’s in a rehab facility, yet again. Instead of blood transfusions every 6 weeks, they are now coming every week. He barely eats and has lost another 10 pounds. The skin hangs off his bones and shrivelled muscles. He can barely stand. The wound on his heel (from his previous stint in a rehab facility a few months ago) is not healed. His body is saying, “Let me go.” His words and spirit are saying, “I can’t go yet.” He has chosen to leave us slowly.

So, I just flew across country to spend several days with him. To be sure to say all the things I want him to know before he decides it’s ok to go. I visited with him every day I was there, and sometimes twice. When we had a chance to visit alone, I wanted him to know that I’m ok; in fact, more than ok. Having had some big life challenges in my younger years, I am finally figuring it all out. With the help of several healing modalities and wonderful people, I’m getting it. He knows I’m ok.

But what I got from him, is that he’s afraid to leave mom. Mom is bi-polar and cycles from depressed to manic, and back again, with little time in-between. He feels responsible for her well-being. I told him that he has made sure that she will be financially taken care of, and that’s really all he can do. He still doesn’t understand that she, and only she can deal with her mental state. He needs to realize this and accept it. That is what’s left to say at this point.

We’ve said our, “I love you’s.” We got to joke around. And I know he’s proud of me and my life. He’s been able to see me grow up, get a few college degrees, have a career, get married, and have a family: all the milestones. For this, I will always be grateful. I am also grateful to have the opportunity to leave nothing unsaid.

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About mariner2mother

I'm a mother of a very spirited 15 year old son, and a former merchant ship's deck officer. To feed my creative side I take photos. I am also Reiki attuned and am a student of Energy Healing, having used several healing modalities to work on myself and my family. Our most recent adventure has me homeschooling my teenager.
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6 Responses to Leave Nothing Unsaid

  1. Lenore Diane says:

    My heart goes out to you and your family, M2M. My friend did much of what you did during the months of November and December last year. We celebrated the life of her mother this past June. (She died Dec. 23rd.)

    I am glad you had time with your Dad. I hope you feel a sense of closure. I lost my Dad in 1994, and I still miss him greatly. I hope your Dad’s final days are as peaceful as possible.

    ~ Lenore

  2. I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. I’m sure you’ll treasure those moments you had with him, you are very blessed to have that time as incredibly painful it may be to you now. I’ll be thinking of you and feel free to email me anytime.

    • Thanks so very much. As hard as it is, I truly am grateful to have had him around since his diagnosis of prostate cancer back in about 1988. He has been here to see so much. And even though I do believe that when he’s gone, he’ll still be aware of what’s going on in my life, it’s not the same.

  3. Oh that’s so hard… I fear that kind of thing with my children – leaving them when they need me. And he’s obviously in a caretaker position. He’s very lucky to have a supportive daughter like you.

  4. Thanks Kate. I’ve been learning a lot the past few years about life, why we are here and what happens after we go, type of stuff. And I now see that my father’s taking care of my mom all these years has in one way stunted her growth; in that, she hasn’t had to do as much to take ownership and responsibility of her bi-polar condition, as if she were on her own. Yes, she’s good about taking her meds, but it’s only in her mid to late 70’s that she’s starting to get a clue about being proactive with needing to change meds or seek more therapy if she’s been down for 2 months or if she’s too high. In an ideal world, as soon as she was diagnosed, this should have been something she worked on figuring it out- instead of putting it all in the hands of her various caretakers.

    I just wish that Dad realized that if he’s not here, she will rise to the occasion and she will be ok.

    I, too, fear once in a great while about leaving my son before he’s grown. But, every day and every month we have together, he learns more and more. And so do I.

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