Dad is not doing well. He was in the hospital, yet again. Now he’s in a rehab facility, yet again. Instead of blood transfusions every 6 weeks, they are now coming every week. He barely eats and has lost another 10 pounds. The skin hangs off his bones and shrivelled muscles. He can barely stand. The wound on his heel (from his previous stint in a rehab facility a few months ago) is not healed. His body is saying, “Let me go.” His words and spirit are saying, “I can’t go yet.” He has chosen to leave us slowly.
So, I just flew across country to spend several days with him. To be sure to say all the things I want him to know before he decides it’s ok to go. I visited with him every day I was there, and sometimes twice. When we had a chance to visit alone, I wanted him to know that I’m ok; in fact, more than ok. Having had some big life challenges in my younger years, I am finally figuring it all out. With the help of several healing modalities and wonderful people, I’m getting it. He knows I’m ok.
But what I got from him, is that he’s afraid to leave mom. Mom is bi-polar and cycles from depressed to manic, and back again, with little time in-between. He feels responsible for her well-being. I told him that he has made sure that she will be financially taken care of, and that’s really all he can do. He still doesn’t understand that she, and only she can deal with her mental state. He needs to realize this and accept it. That is what’s left to say at this point.
We’ve said our, “I love you’s.” We got to joke around. And I know he’s proud of me and my life. He’s been able to see me grow up, get a few college degrees, have a career, get married, and have a family: all the milestones. For this, I will always be grateful. I am also grateful to have the opportunity to leave nothing unsaid.