How High Is Too High?

She’s flying high. After months of deep depression, Mom is quite manic. At first, it was good to see her being able to get up in the morning and feel good again. But soon, the little signs were showing up. She’d be upstairs going through things, weeding out, throwing out; with little regard to whether this might be something she might want to keep for memory’s sake, or for any other reason. She’d be up there for hours in her nightgown, finally coming down for breakfast close to 11am.

There have been more signs. Tone of voice. Urgency of language. And more recently, not being able to answer simple questions, but rather being obsessed with recounting a story about herself, over and over and over and over, ad nauseam.

And the most recent red flag: thinking that her medication does nothing good for her. It only clouds her head. She’s been to this place a few times before. Two of them ended up with her residing in a mental hospital for several weeks.

For me, it’s a feeling of helplessness- especially being 3000 miles away from her. It’s no accident that her children all grew up and moved AWAY. But then I have to remind myself that the feelings that are coming up, were instilled in a young, helpless girl. A young girl whose mother had been mentally ill for the girl’s entire life. A girl who had never experienced a balanced, healthy mother; at least, not balanced for long. A girl who experienced crazy, up close and personal. Too close and too personal. Crazy almost took me with it for a ride when I was in high school.

Ultimately, this woman is not my responsibility. I can support her, but I can’t fix her. She has to walk through her own fire. All I can do is that which I can, and no more. I have lived enough years, and learned enough to recognize when my mother is in trouble. She’s getting closer to the danger zone. And all I can do is sound the alarm to her doctors when she’s getting too close to, or has stepped over the line.

And unfortunately, at times like this, I need to protect myself. I need to make sure the little girl who was me, is ok. And that the big girl who is me now, is ok. It’s a whole new game to play, now that Dad is gone.

the serenity prayer

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About mariner2mother

I'm a mother of a very spirited 14 year old son, and a former merchant ship's deck officer. To feed my creative side I take photos and make a very occasional batch of soap. I am also Reiki attuned and am a student of Energy Healing, having used several healing modalities to work on myself and my family.
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6 Responses to How High Is Too High?

  1. It must be hard to be so far away. At least you can sound the alarm before she goes over the edge. I am sorry you are dealing with so much right now.

  2. Thanks. Unfortunately, this type of situation usually takes mom going completely over the edge before she can be brought back. The alarm has been sounded. Now I wait.

  3. Lenore Diane says:

    I am heading to the post following this one. I hope you have managed to keep both the little and the big girl in you ‘ok’. Not an easy task, I know.

  4. Pingback: Is Suicide Ever Ok? | Life Is A Journey… Not A Guided Tour

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