She’s Finally At Peace

This morning, I received the dreaded phone call from my mom’s caregiver. This time, instead of the usual, “Just calling to let you know that everything’s fine,” from her chipper voice, I got an upset, “Something’s wrong; I think she’s gone.”

Within minutes, the paramedics who were there came back downstairs and confirmed that yes, Mom was dead. The police arrived. Then the real shocker. They found a note. Wha??? A note? Yes. She left a note. Because the caregiver hadn’t stopped to find it before she flew down the stairs to call 911, she didn’t realize my mother had taken her own life.

After 81 years, my mom decided to end her life. Eight-one years of life: trials and tribulations, marriage, separation and reconnection. She raised 3 children and saw them all through college and on to careers, marriage and families of their own; gracing her with 6 grandchildren. She had a decades long career of playing the violin and gave years of her time to various local charities.

Her toughest challenge was living with mental illness. Bipolar disorder to be specific. She wasn’t even diagnosed and medicated until she was about 50. For a long time, the medications helped to temper the extreme highs and lows. However, the last several years, the meds seemed less and less effective.

After taking a bad fall 16 months ago, she was never quite the same. Since that time, she watched as her husband of 50 years slowly failed, until his body gave out this past February. Since then, she had two hospitalizations for mental instability. And her depression that kept creeping back in, wouldn’t let go. Her doctors tried valiantly to bring her back to level, with no success. I noticed that she was becoming a little bit more confused as the months passed.

There are a handful of reasons I believe that Mom finally took her own life. I won’t go into all of them here. But the realization that there would be no more Christmases with Dad, tainted by a depressed brain must have played heavily in her decision. It could be that she chose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But then again, her depression was not temporary, and it was not going away.

Whatever the reason, she will be missed by many people. And the one consolation I know in my heart is that she is finally with Dad, and at peace.

About mariner2mother

I'm a mother of a creative 20 year old son, a former merchant ship's deck officer, and a wife. To feed my creative side I take photos. I am also Reiki attuned and am a student of Energy Healing, having used several healing modalities to work on myself and my family. My most recent adventure has me navigating a very challenging Kundalini Awakening.
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19 Responses to She’s Finally At Peace

  1. Oh Susan, I’m so so so sorry to hear this. Bless her in her struggle, yes, she is now at peace. And bless you, too. I know this must be hard. Sending you a big hug.

    • Thanks so much Lisa. It’s particularly hard because of our relationship. I am so thankful for her that she’s not having to deal with life here any longer, as it was so hard, especially the last several years. But I wish we could have talked more the last year. When I would try to talk about this or that, she didn’t engage- probably because of the depression. It will be a while to process all this.

  2. So very sorry to hear this. I know, as you say, there is some peace in it… but I also know that his must be such a difficult and painful thing to face. Mental illness is such a challenging thing. I’m sorry that you are facing this at any time, but particularly at the holidays when focus is so distinctly different. May you find some peace and love in family, as you deal with this. So sorry.

  3. I’m so sorry for your loss…
    Her struggle is over and hopefully you can find peace soon. Much love to you…

  4. I am so very sorry to hear about your mom, Sue. Please email me anytime. I’m here for you.

  5. emjayandthem says:

    I am very sorry to hear of this news; peace be with you as you travel East and soldier what’s to come. Hugs

  6. Thanks MJ. Starting taking little bites today. Will keep at it until I have to leave. And then it will be a joint effort between my brothers and me to deal with the estate. My folks’ neighbors and friends here, have been wonderful, offering help in any way.

  7. Lenore Diane says:

    Gosh Susan, I’m moving backwards. I read your most recent post, and my heart sank for you. As I went to the post prior and then to this post – I am so very sad for you. While I still struggle with the loss of Walter, you are dealing with the loss of both your Mom and your Dad. This sucks, Susan. I hope you are finding strength through friends and family. This is not easy.

    • Thanks Lenore. Yes, it sucks. But their struggles are over. And the waiting for the next phone call to tell me that they are in the hospital or have had some incident, is over. Now begins another process. I am seeing that life is just a series of processing. And yes, I am finding strength through friends, family, and my faith.

  8. Pingback: Life and Death in the Blogosphere | Tales from the Motherland

  9. Elyse says:

    Oh Susan, I am so far behind in reading blogs. I am so sorry for your loss. And for the surprise and hardness of her passing.

    I wish I had something more profound or helpful to say. I have found dealing with the passing of loved ones difficult, across the board. But deal with it I have, as will you. You learn, day by day. But by now, you know that.

    So very sorry, Susan, M2M. So very sorry.

  10. Pingback: Life and Death in the Blogosphere « Reader's Choice

  11. Pingback: Remembering Mom: Christmas Eve 2014 | Life Is A Journey… Not A Guided Tour

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