Uncovering a Mystery

Lately, I’ve noticed that there are times when I’m quietly relaxing, I’m not hungry, and yet there is an underlying feeling of agitation and unease. Nothing quiets this feeling but food. I can’t wait it out or distract myself from it. I’ve tried many times. This is what I imagine any addict feels when they need their fix, no matter what the subject of the addiction is. They get an agitation, something they can’t identify, and nothing will scratch that itch except what they’re addicted to.

I am using hypnosis to figure out what’s really going on. What is this irritating feeling that pops up from time to time, especially when I’m quiet and not distracted by a busy life? Because I can’t identify this feeling or figure out where it’s coming from, it’s a no-brainer that it’s in my subconscious, trying to pop up. Hypnosis is a great tool for easily connecting to the subconscious.

While deeply relaxed in hypnosis, I tune into the feeling of unease and discomfort and what comes is the feeling that everything is too quiet and calm; that my mother will lash out at me at any moment, without warning. I feel jumpy. She’ll take out her anger and craziness on me with her vicious tongue, again. I am four years old.

I am instructed to go back in time to the first time I felt this same way. I am two years old. My mother is yelling at me. Her energy is so big it cuts right through me, causing my solar plexus and gut to tighten into a ball. All I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and disappear. I realized that my body is extremely sensitive to energy. I can feel people’s emotions wafting off their body. My sensors are my solar plexus and my gut.

In a flash I recognize that when I am eating is about the only time that my tummy doesn’t overload on sensing other people, because it’s busy digesting food. This time that I am dining is a respite and a break for my tummy antenna. Food is my friend. It helps keep me sane.

My hypnotherapist has the adult me come into the scene with each of my younger selves.  Adult me talks to each of the younger me’s and shares her wisdom with each of them. Both times the wisdom is the same: that your mother is mentally ill and that when she yells at you it is not because of anything you have done. You are not bad. It’s not about you. She is not entirely in control of her emotions and uses you as her verbal battering ram. You are a perfect, beautiful little girl. There is nothing wrong with you. You are an exquisitely sensitive and very smart girl. Then big me gave little me a big hug.

After receiving hugs, love, and wisdom, each of the younger versions of me instantly became happy and light. The two-year old danced around and the four-year old was happy and instantly wanted to go play with her dolls.

Then we moved forward to when I was twelve. Some more shit went down. This time with a different family member. After sharing my adult wisdom with my twelve-year-old self, instead of being all happy-go-lucky like the young ones, this time I was totally pissed off and felt completely ripped off; like life fucked me over in the drive thru. At that time in my life, I could barely even be angry because of all of the dysfunction going on around me and because I had absolutely no personal boundaries. To be able to bring up this anger and let it out was a very big deal and a positive step forward.

Almost a week has passed since I began writing this post, and I had 2 or 3 days of being really irritable and ticked off. It’s a process. Also, whatever layer of crap was removed allowed for another layer of crap to float up, wanting to be examined and dealt with. And this is why I do a series of hypnosis sessions. Today I’ll be looking at more old repressed stuff that needs to go.

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About mariner2mother

I'm a mother of a very spirited 14 year old son, and a former merchant ship's deck officer. To feed my creative side I take photos and make a very occasional batch of soap. I am also Reiki attuned and am a student of Energy Healing, having used several healing modalities to work on myself and my family.
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22 Responses to Uncovering a Mystery

  1. emjayandthem says:

    Incredibly powerful and cathartic, too, I’d imagine. This regression hypnotherapy … amazing. Thank you for writing this, I’m sure that was not easy to do. But … I have a feeling it needed to be done,
    MJ

    • Thanks MJ. It’s fascinating for me to see what’s underneath these non-descript feelings I get now and then. As I uncover layer after layer, I get better and better, and closer and closer to unlocking what’s keeping my excess weight with me.

      • emjayandthem says:

        Your description of yourself as a wee girl, wanting to curl up into a ball — that resonates with me b/c I think of my grand-daughter. Her mother is a loon, and a screamer, ranter, raver. I’ve watched that little girl placate her mother, stroking her hair to calm her down. She’s 4. ** Shudders ** So, when I am with her, I make it a point to have a steady but calm demeanor, be playful and loving and inclusive and she sticks to me like velcro.

        Wishing you the best on this journey, and thank you for sharing your learnings with us!
        MJ

  2. janonlife says:

    This is such a powerful post, Susan. I was completely caught up in those emotions as I read it. Congratulations for having the courage to work through the layers – and for having come so far already. Jan x

  3. Totally swept up in this one… really powerful imagery, as you work through this!

  4. Amazing, Sue. What a transformation you’re undergoing right now. I must try hypnosis one day!

    • Thanks Darla. It seems like there is a lot of stuff that I’ve been holding onto for years that is more than ready to go. The thing about hypnosis that I’ve found is to make sure you’re really comfortable (physically and otherwise) so you can go deep. It’s important to have a good feeling about the hypnotherapist (use your spidey senses). And when you’re all relaxed, try not to think too much about things- just let them come. It can take a few sessions to get used to it all. The woman I’m working with right now is a trained counselor and has a lot of experience with meditation and things metaphysical. I really like working with her. One thing I really appreciate is if I get stuck, she is great at asking the same thing another way or just waiting for something to come to me. She’s great at bringing out things in me.

  5. Aussa Lorens says:

    Wow. Thanks for writing your way through this, I can’t imagine what it’s like to be living it but I know that dealing with shit (as opposed to ignoring it) is always the best way to go. Sending you positive vibes!

  6. CBurns says:

    Restless, irritable, discontent until we can experience the ease & comfort of the next drink.. paraphrased from the big book of alcoholics anonymous. As a recovering alcoholic I can say yes it was what scratched the itch. Until it didn’t work anymore. In recovery we “peel the onion” of the years of crap & theres alot of layers. But with each one we shed…life feels lighter (better) as has been your experience. You are a survivor & a tough cookie yourself! Thank you for sharing your message of hope!

    • You’re welcome and thanks for commenting. It’s a challenge for sure, but getting in touch with the inner “me” over the past approx. 5 years has brought so many positive changes. And along the way, I’ve become a better parent to my very special son.

  7. diannefallon says:

    Hi Susan-
    Susie sent me, via the long road (I found you through my blog). Very powerful post. It’s fascinating to me how the hypnosis helped you to make connections between the agitation and the original source, or, as what a dear friend who is a pastoral counselor, calls the “original wound.”

    I am always amazed and inspired by the resilience of children who grow up to be great people despite the wounds.

    • Dianne, thanks for dropping in for a visit. What I’ve learned to appreciate about hypnosis is how it can quickly access our subconscious. Our behaviors are driven so much by our subconscious that a person could sit down with a counselor and talk about something for years, not really knowing what’s going on deep down. But because hypnosis reaches this level quickly and easily, I have found it extremely effective at helping me find my truth and figure things out.

      Kids can be quite resilient, for sure. What I’m learning is that when a person has had a childhood where some form of abuse has happened, when they grow up, unless and until they are able to process the abuse, it will show up in their lives in unwanted and unexpected ways. And they may not always be able to connect the dots.

  8. susielindau says:

    I’ve always been fascinated by hypnosis. It sounds like it’s really working for you. I tried not to dominate too much with my kids. Now they’re on their own and I’ve taken a big step back to let them make their own decisions.
    Thanks for bringing your honest and open post to the party! It’s so good to “see” you again!

    • Susie! I so very much appreciate your parties. I’ve found some great blogs that I now read regularly. Yes, I’ve found hypnosis to be the most efficient and effective type of therapy for me. I’m basically impatient about certain things, and when it comes to my healing, I like to get out the excavator and dig down deep. Thanks for dropping by.

  9. Thanks so much for sharing – I am sure this process is not easy to begin with it and then to write about it too:) Wishing You the BEST in this process!

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