Uncovering a Mystery

Lately, I’ve noticed that there are times when I’m quietly relaxing, I’m not hungry, and yet there is an underlying feeling of agitation and unease. Nothing quiets this feeling but food. I can’t wait it out or distract myself from it. I’ve tried many times. This is what I imagine any addict feels when they need their fix, no matter what the subject of the addiction is. They get an agitation, something they can’t identify, and nothing will scratch that itch except what they’re addicted to.

I am using hypnosis to figure out what’s really going on. What is this irritating feeling that pops up from time to time, especially when I’m quiet and not distracted by a busy life? Because I can’t identify this feeling or figure out where it’s coming from, it’s a no-brainer that it’s in my subconscious, trying to pop up. Hypnosis is a great tool for easily connecting to the subconscious.

While deeply relaxed in hypnosis, I tune into the feeling of unease and discomfort and what comes is the feeling that everything is too quiet and calm; that my mother will lash out at me at any moment, without warning. I feel jumpy. She’ll take out her anger and craziness on me with her vicious tongue, again. I am four years old.

I am instructed to go back in time to the first time I felt this same way. I am two years old. My mother is yelling at me. Her energy is so big it cuts right through me, causing my solar plexus and gut to tighten into a ball. All I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and disappear. I realized that my body is extremely sensitive to energy. I can feel people’s emotions wafting off their body. My sensors are my solar plexus and my gut.

In a flash I recognize that when I am eating is about the only time that my tummy doesn’t overload on sensing other people, because it’s busy digesting food. This time that I am dining is a respite and a break for my tummy antenna. Food is my friend. It helps keep me sane.

My hypnotherapist has the adult me come into the scene with each of my younger selves.  Adult me talks to each of the younger me’s and shares her wisdom with each of them. Both times the wisdom is the same: that your mother is mentally ill and that when she yells at you it is not because of anything you have done. You are not bad. It’s not about you. She is not entirely in control of her emotions and uses you as her verbal battering ram. You are a perfect, beautiful little girl. There is nothing wrong with you. You are an exquisitely sensitive and very smart girl. Then big me gave little me a big hug.

After receiving hugs, love, and wisdom, each of the younger versions of me instantly became happy and light. The two-year old danced around and the four-year old was happy and instantly wanted to go play with her dolls.

Then we moved forward to when I was twelve. Some more shit went down. This time with a different family member. After sharing my adult wisdom with my twelve-year-old self, instead of being all happy-go-lucky like the young ones, this time I was totally pissed off and felt completely ripped off; like life fucked me over in the drive thru. At that time in my life, I could barely even be angry because of all of the dysfunction going on around me and because I had absolutely no personal boundaries. To be able to bring up this anger and let it out was a very big deal and a positive step forward.

Almost a week has passed since I began writing this post, and I had 2 or 3 days of being really irritable and ticked off. It’s a process. Also, whatever layer of crap was removed allowed for another layer of crap to float up, wanting to be examined and dealt with. And this is why I do a series of hypnosis sessions. Today I’ll be looking at more old repressed stuff that needs to go.