Hickory Ice

Looking through old files today, I found a few things I wrote years back when I was really struggling. Now I see that I was dealing with undiagnosed depression. This was written when Little Man was 17 months old; before he wore any labels of diagnoses.

May 10, 2004

On autopilot
Running… moving
Keep moving…don’t stop
If you stop, it will all fall down and crumble in a heap.

Like the adrenaline the day Little Man was born
Or was it the morphine?
Don’t think…just do…go

If I stop to try to make sense of it all
I won’t be able to get up and get going again
I’ll be mired in the mud.

Can’t think about the stress, the pressure
Can’t truly process it right now
Have to just get through…and deal with it later
Much later.

Hickory ice. If you stop, you fall in.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
You are the cow… pump, nurse, pump, bottle, pump
Try to get him to stop crying…go to sleep…please.
Every time I get up, the pain is so intense.

It feels like tearing inside
The incision is ripping inside
My heart is tearing

But I have to keep getting up…again and again.
He needs me
I need me

Over time things heal
The incision still hurts, but it’s better
My heart is better
But there will always be scars.

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About mariner2mother

I'm a mother of a very spirited 14 year old son, and a former merchant ship's deck officer. To feed my creative side I take photos and make a very occasional batch of soap. I am also Reiki attuned and am a student of Energy Healing, having used several healing modalities to work on myself and my family.
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8 Responses to Hickory Ice

  1. janonlife says:

    Whoa, this is so powerful. Thank you for sharing it, Sue. I hope you’re feeling very proud of how far you have come since those dark days ❤

    • Thanks Jan. Yes! I have come a long way, for sure. I does make me sad though, that I had so very little support back then, And that when I finally asked my doctor about the possibility that I might have been depressed, she poo poo’d me and brushed me off, instead of taking me seriously. Thank goodness I discovered energy work!

  2. Hindsight, is indeed: 20/20. xo

  3. emjayandthem says:

    It is amazing, when we look back, what we can learn about ourselves. MJ

  4. This was amazing, my friend…YOU are amazing!
    It makes me want to go back and look at some of my old journals, too.
    Thank you so much for sharing and inspiring me like you always do. xoxoxo

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