Push Me Pull You

I’m tip toeing through a minefield of Lego’s. One wrong move and it’s pain. Things were going great, until…

Ouch! I can’t. My stomach hurts. My head is all fuzzy and I can’t think straight.

Step 2. I prod, coax, ask. No pressure.

No. I can’t do it. It hurts. I can’t think.
Can I have some Reiki?

Ok Little Bunny. Relax. I’ll help you unwind this big knot in your tummy. Would you like a decongestant? No.

Better?

A little.

Do you think you can just try to go to school?

No.

Just try. Even if it’s for a little while. All you have to do is just sit there.

I can’t do it.

Yes you can – spoken with the most compassion I can muster.

I can’t think straight. I’m afraid. She’ll make me work. I can’t do it.

Sure you can…
Frustration wells up and then I push. You need to at least try going. Just for the first hour. You must go. Get your clothes back on! Put your shoes on!! Get going!!!

Tears. Anguish. Pain. I can’t do it. His feet are in cement.

Now!!!! Get. Your. Clothes. On!!!! Get in the car!!

Fear and pain eclipse his brain and torrents of tears come. I feel his torture. I can’t do this.

That which I resist persists, and in proportion to my resistance.

What am I doing? If I keep pushing, am I traumatizing him? Am I screwing him up (like my mother did to me)? If I give in am I letting him get away with something? Am I crippling him, allowing his anxiety to rule his brain? What will his teacher think, missing yet another day of school? What does she think of me, of him?

Fuck it. Fuck what anyone thinks. Today, the heart rules. I give.

Ok. You’ll just have to deal with it all tomorrow. I give up. It’s just not worth it.

And how was your Monday morning?

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About mariner2mother

I'm a mother of a very spirited 15 year old son, and a former merchant ship's deck officer. To feed my creative side I take photos. I am also Reiki attuned and am a student of Energy Healing, having used several healing modalities to work on myself and my family. Our most recent adventure has me homeschooling my teenager.
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12 Responses to Push Me Pull You

  1. sara says:

    Ah God…don’t we mothers torment ourselves? I hope your week gets better xo

    • Yes we sure can. And thanks, today (Tuesday) is a completely different day. The kiddo is feeling much better about life and went off to school easily today.

      • sara says:

        Thank goodness 🙂 My son has trouble with Mondays as well, and sometimes I will just let him stay at home. Everyone needs a rest day sometimes, but we have to balance it with being able to show up and do hard things…it’s hard being a mum!

  2. CBurns says:

    I read this once, “if God never gives me more than I can handle, he must think I’m a badass.”
    Also id like to add in my own words, the heart is never wrong! Plus you rock and so does your son!! 🙂

  3. janonlife says:

    Can’t improve on what CBurns says there. Agree totally.
    I’ve been there, Sue. Every day I would drag my screaming son to school, begging, coaxing, encouraging… There were iron railings outside the school. I had to prise his hands off every single one as we neared the gate.
    “Can’t do it” rings so many bells. Maybe you can find a good time and sit with him – ask: What CAN he do? What would work for him? How could it be bearable? I wish now that I’d found another way for my boy.

    • My heart goes out to you. The thing is, most days he can go to school just fine. Mondays, and the day after he’s been home sick, seem to bring out anxiety. I’ve considered other schools, but there is nothing in our area that would be a good match for him. He would still have to learn how to read, do math, and write; and those are his challenges with his dyslexia. Being at a public school, he gets extra help. And he has very strong social ties to the kids in his class. And home schooling is not an option for me. Fingers crossed he feels like he can handle it today.

  4. Such a challenge to figure out what the “right” path is when our kids have struggles. I’m not sure there are really any right answers… just lots of figuring it out. (( Hugs ))

  5. Pingback: Child Wants to Stay Home from School | Life Is A Journey… Not A Guided Tour

  6. It sounds like he is having some fear or issues surrounding his current school or teacher. Talking can be helpful, but as a male, particularly on the brink of some major hormonal shifts, talking may not be an option for him. If he’s pulling away, giving him some space and the knowledge of your availability may help him bounce back. Also, depending on where you live and your living situation, there may be other schooling options that can offer him more support and less stress. A charter school, a waldorf school, homeschool, or if those changes are all too big, I suggest picking up a copy of “Project Based Homeschooling.” Best book ever and a fast read! Regardless of whether he goes to school or you homeschool, you can understand and implement the ideas from the book to give him choices in his education and foster excitement and independence for learning. This step was by far the most valuable for me when my son was having major behavior and school issues. Best of luck, and lots of momma hugs. By the way, you’re doing a great job. You realize you have room for improvement, your thinking about your choices, your looking for input and learning from others. Great parenting!

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