Dearest Little Man,
Today I am wishing you a happy Mother’s Day because your being in my life has made me a mother. Because of you, I have entered into the sisterhood that comes from raising a child, no matter how the child comes into your life. You happened to have entered my life through my body, but not all children come to their mothers that way. I’ve entered the sisterhood of soothing a cranky baby, dealing with years of dirty diapers, watching you sleep, and being amazed by you over and over.
As I grew up, being one of three kids, and being a girl raised in the mid 60’s, I expected to grow up and have my own children. I expected a lot of things, many of which did not happen as I naively planned. I expected to have 2 or 3 kids. I never contemplated that any of them would have an “issues” other than getting whiny when they were tired, or hormonal when they hit teenage years. You know, regular stuff. I also never expected to have my child when I was almost 40. Back when I was a teenager (way back in the dark ages), if you weren’t married by 30 or 35, you were probably never going to be married or have kids. Thank goodness times changed! Having you and only you has taught me to stop expecting how my life is going to go.
When I found out I was pregnant with you I was so happy sunbeams shined out my face (at least until morning sickness that lasted all day, kicked in). The day you decided to be born and have your first helicopter ride was a little scary for me and Daddy. But as soon as you squeaked while trying to take your first breath, a calm came over me and I knew you would be just fine. And you were.
Your first few years with me were especially challenging because I was not the best me I could be, and when I looked to my doctor for answers, she basically blew me off. It took several years longer than it should have, but I’m finally much better, and a better Mom because of it.
As a toddler you were nicknamed Motorboy for good reason: from the moment you woke up until you finally let yourself fall asleep at night, you were go, go, go! And there were a number of nights when your internal clock thought 2:30am was time to go, go, go! I definitely don’t miss those times. You were one of the cutest toddlers I know, and I don’t say that just because I’m your Mom.
You taught me a lot during your first 10 years! I learned about diapers, expectations, and developmental delays. We went to many therapy sessions to help you catch up to your buddies. I’m sorry that sometimes you didn’t like it; but you hung in as long as you could. And you were the primary catalyst in my life that helped bring change for me. Because of wanting to help you, I ended up having a spiritual awakening. I never saw that coming. Never. And I thank you so much for being that spark.
Just a reminder, do you make the biggest changes in your life when everything is smooth sailing and everything is hunky dory? Hell no. The biggest impetus for change is pain or discomfort; the bigger the discomfort in your life, the more you tend to look to change things.
That said, between the challenging times, I’ve had a lot of fun playing with you and photographing you. I learned a lot about action photography, especially when you were younger. Fast shutter speed, lots of light, and take lots of shots.
And when you were really little, catching you in the moment was my favorite thing to do. I never told you to “say cheese” and I never tried to pose you. Taking photos in natural light with no flash is a great way to capture those candid moments. I love this shot of you gazing out our big window, especially because, at that age and stage I never saw you just look and contemplate anything. You must have been tired.
There are many reasons we decide to bring children into our lives. We want to pass on our genes, our traditions, a bit of ourselves. We want to fulfill society’s expectations. We want someone to love us. We want someone to take care of us in our old age. We want to look at a little version of ourselves and see part of us carried on. These are some of the reasons I’ve picked up on, over the years.
But with my newer knowledge about life and how this all works, I now believe that we bring children into our lives because we’ve made agreements with their souls before we were even born, for them to come into our lives. With that, whether they come to us through our bodies or not, makes no difference. I can just see the meeting that went down with Little Man’s and my soul.
Me: Hey, how about I be your mom this time around. After all, you were my mom that other time. And this lifetime I’ve decided that I want a female body in order to work out a bunch of other stuff.
LM: Sounds good to me. How about I be a boy and have my brain wired for the future, so I’ll be set up for a lot of challenges right from the get go? I think I want to step into that human 2.0 body that more and more of is coming in. You know, the one with so much energy that the body can’t really handle it all, and the wiring in the brain is different. Just to keep it interesting, I want to stay connected to this realm more than most. I think I’d like to work on learning how to maintain my energetic boundaries, so I need to have a setup where I have basically no personal or energetic boundaries. And having you as my Mom will give me a good shot at getting that lesson down. And, of course, I’d like to work on balancing some karmic imbalance. After all, that’s a big reason for picking earth and a human body this incarnation.
Me: Works for me. I’m going to tackle some big karmic imbalance stuff too. In order for a bunch of other things to work out, let’s have you come into my life later on; so if I should happen to get pregnant earlier on and your soul wants to pop in for a quickie visit, only to decide to leave until years later, that would be a good plan. Oh, and let’s make sure that once you arrive, my life is sufficiently uncomfortable,(but I’ll also have resources), so things get set up for me to have a spiritual awakening; after all, I’ve also got an agreement going with other soul friends who have agreed to come into my life to help catalyze my “waking up.”
LM: It’s sure going to be an interesting life this time around. I wonder how it will end up playing out. Good thing we are some bad-ass mofo’s!
Me: I hear ya there! We are some tough mama-jama’s!!
You’ve grown from a baby to a toddler, to a little boy, to a big boy, and now into an almost teenager. I can’t even begin to imagine what the next several years are going to bring.
Happy Mother’s Day (not so) Little Man!