Lately, I’ve come to think of healing work as alchemy. Turning the lead of old beliefs and old energies into the sparking gold of higher possibilities, wellness and internal peace. I’m discovering as I clean up the internal crud from my past, the tarnish is falling away, allowing my brilliance to emerge. The sparkly, shiny, being that I am at my core, is being allowed to show up more and more.
I’m back at work, doing a short series of (4) hypnotherapy sessions again. The wonderful hypnotherapist I’ve been using since 2013 calls her style of hypnosis, “soul directed” hypnotherapy. What I particularly love about her style is that she blends her years as a traditional therapist, with her spiritual training and hypnotherapy. For me, it’s a powerful process of alchemy.
A few weeks ago when I sat with her, I was concerned about a feeling that I was using food to avoid or to medicate. Knowing that I had indeed healed my lifelong food addiction about a year ago, this was confusing for me. Here was this uncomfortable feeling that would pop up. I couldn’t figure out what it was, where it was coming from, or what it was about. The only thing I knew was I was starting to use food again as my drug of choice to quiet this feeling.
As my hypnotherapist began the session, she took her time getting me good and relaxed. Because it had been about a year since we’d worked together, I was a little bit nervous, and my monkey mind chattered away. I finally told myself to chill out,
shut the hell up, to relax, go with it and most importantly, to trust the process.
When she felt I was sufficiently relaxed and focused, I was told to see a ball of white light over my head, shining down on me. A ball of intelligent and healing light. I choose to see this as the energy that I know as God. Some people call it Source or other names. I was also told to see a guide come forth from this light; a guide that would help me through the process.
I was surprised to see the guide that came forth was completely gold and had the silhouette of a woman. In that moment, I knew she was an aspect of me. She was very loving, healing and is the part of me that is directly connected to Source, to God. Next, I was asked to bring up the uncomfortable feeling that had been bothering me.
It came up without too much coaxing, and with it came the thought “raging monster.” Raging monster!? What was that about? In another instant, I knew. It all came flooding in. I was very little, my mother was the raging monster, and I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to disappear. I didn’t want to exist. It was not safe, it was not ok to exist.
Once that came forth into my conscious mind, I had the instant perspective, looking at the scene, it was just that my mother who was sick, who was not able to cope with me. She was not able to deal with me. And once Little Me recognized that was going on, she started to feel ok about herself because she realized it was not about her. It was about my mom and her not being well. In that moment, Little Me got happy, bubbly, sparkly, shiny. She knew she was cute. She was this perfect little being that popped in from God. A beautiful little soul, and she knew it. God, she knew it. She had the mindset of: it’s ok mom, I understand now. You had a job to do, and your job was to basically be a raving bitch towards me. Job’s done. It’s over now. I’m moving on.
I also understand that your being a raving bitch was passed down to you through several generations. With guidance from an intuitive, a few years ago, I was able to see that karmic chain and facilitate it’s being healed. I stopped that bitch dead in its tracks. What’s awesome is when this was done, I saw the changes in my mother; both physical and emotional. She never verbally assaulted me for the rest of her life after that healing.
Next, I was direct to speak to Little Me. As I was asked questions, I noticed that Little Me was progressing in age. Pretty soon I appeared to me in my early 20’s and wearing a woman’s warrior outfit: Zena warrior princess came to mind. I saw myself carrying a shield and sword or spear, feeling very strong, solid, and self-confident.
Then I was brought up to present time, in my present body at my current age. I saw myself standing, and in place of my legs were two tree trunks that were really thick and solid. They went down into the ground very deep and connected with Mother Earth very strongly, and I felt so solid that nothing could knock me over. Everyone could have their tantrums around me; they could have their little tornadoes of shit around me. They could do whatever the hell they needed to do around me. Nothing was going to knock me down. Nothing was even going to make me flinch. I was really grounded, really solid, really confident. It felt awesome.
What was fascinating to me was realizing that the feelings of not being ok and not wanting to be here (in a physical body), were ones that had visited me several times of the past 4 months. I now knew what they were about, where they came from, and that they were instantly changed, transmuted, shifted. And it happened in a moment. That’s how alchemy works: in a flash of insight.
Finally, my hypnotherapist asked me about connecting to the guide, this divine healing, wisdom aspect of me, about how to do it again. The Golden Me walked over to me, touched her forehead to my forehead, and we looked deeply into each other’s eyes. She said, “Just remember, when you want to connect, just look deep into my eyes, because the eyes are the window to the soul. Remember that and trust it. Remember, trust, and just connect.” She said look deep in my eyes and remember she is always there, is a part of me; always was and always will be. And it’s that part that is directly connected to God. This is how I can connect and receive God’s wisdom anytime I need it.
So powerful to know that we all have this connection inside us to all the answers we need. We can all connect to God, the Divine, Source, the Universe, or whatever you choose to call the creation energy that made us, loves us unconditionally, and supports us throughout our lives.
Do you have a favorite way to connect to God? Is there a special place you go to, or a particular ritual that helps you get there?