As much as I prefer to live in a peaceful and optimistic state, there are times when life keeps pummeling me, and I find it hard to find that place. That place of calm. That place of not freaking the fuck out.
These days I see life on several levels, all at the same time. I know that we experience all sorts of things in life just to experience them. I know we witness and measure change in ourselves by how we react differently to the same or similar things coming up repeatedly. I know that if my soul wants to become more compassionate, it will fill my life with experiences where, it might be challenging for me to overcome urges to sit in judgment. But if I can take those difficult steps toward dropping judgment and instead, sit in a place of compassion, I actually feel better.
So, just what is it at this moment in time that has me wallowing in old fear and being miserable? I think things that triggered fear in me a very long time ago, combined with a lot of societal judgment that I carry, and projecting a lot of what-if’s into the future, make for one nasty cocktail of misery.
As much as I can see things from the 30,000 ft. perspective, I also walk with my two feet on the ground and live in the trenches like everyone does. When my kid is miserable and I feel helpless to help him, as a mother, it really sucks. When my life has been flipped upside down and things haven’t settled out yet, it sucks. When my to-do list suddenly overwhelms me and freaks my brain out, it sucks. And as much as I know this transition time is just that, a transition, it can still suck.