How Being A Mother Is Changing Me

Becoming a mother was something I dreamed about since I was a teenager. I dreamed about loving being pregnant and being able to show it off to the world, walking around with a big round belly full of baby. In fact, when I was pregnant with my son, one of my favorite things to do when I was far enough along, was to feel him move around inside of me. Even during the days that I’d sit watching my tummy morph, I had no clue what was in store for me. NO CLUE!

Six years ago this spring, when I was searching for things to help my young son be more comfortable in this world, and simultaneously wanting to help myself in life, I experienced a spiritual awakening. Because of it, I see the world differently today. I not only see what my eyes see, but I understand that there are things going on in the background that I can’t see. And one of the biggest gifts of seeing things differently has been learning how to create changes in my life. Today, when there’s something going on in me that’s uncomfortable, or that I don’t like, I know a bunch of ways I can try to create change.

And because of that, I have tools to work differently with life.

Because I’m a bit of a science geek at heart, I love to learn about the unseen world using the language of vibration and energy. It just works for me. When I can relate things that explain the unseen world, in terms of metaphors and similes, my brain gets it more easily. I sing a note to a glass, and it resonates with that same note. The glass holds a specific resonant frequency. The pitch of the glass changes as you add or take away the water inside it.

Very simplified, I see myself similar to that crystal glass. I have a resonant frequency that is partially made up of my thoughts and beliefs. As I change those thoughts and beliefs, my resonant frequency changes. And as my resonant frequency has been changing, so has my family and my life experience.

One of the strongest motivations a person has in life to create change, is pain. Another amazingly strong motivation to make changes is having a child. That parent-child relationship is like no other a person will ever experience. Not everyone will have this experience in every lifetime, but I sure am in this one. In fact, I can see how pivotal my relationship with my son has been. One of the strongest motivations I’ve ever had has been my son’s pain.

The first time I was introduced to one of my life lessons that I wanted to experience in this current lifetime, was when my son was in about the second grade, and was having a hell of a time with school. It killed me to see him in so much pain, especially at such a young age. At the time, I thought I could figure something out; I thought I could fix something either about my son or about his school experience, that would alleviate his pain.

The lesson that was brought to me (during a hypnosis session where I was looking into food cravings), was that we each have our own path in life to walk. We might struggle along this path, and it might be painful, but it’s our path and ours alone. We can have support, but we are the ones who must put one foot in front of the next. It was crystal clear that my son’s struggle was something that yes, I could try to help him with, but that it was ultimately his journey and his alone.

Of course, knowing this truth, and figuring out how to walk in this world as a mother to a boy whose life experience included so much emotional pain, are two different things. It’s really only been in the past few years that I have figured out more of the “how to”.

Simply, the “how” involves making decisions through my heart. When I have the big, scary decisions that involve my son, I try like crazy to not become ruled by my head (as that is the place where fear rules the roost).

The “how” also involves asking myself just what is living inside of me that is getting all riled up when I think about… my son’s future. There have been so many times over the past few years that I look at something acting up within me and make grand assumptions about my son’s future. And these assumptions love to put me into states of fear and panic. They really love to fuck with me.

One thing I’ve done that has helped my peace of mind, has been to heal subconscious beliefs I carried that became activated when I’d think about certain things. I do this work in a deep meditative state with guidance (hypnosis). With more of my “crap” gone, day-to-day issues and struggles pass much more easily and quickly. And with my reactions gone, it only helps my son be more at ease as well.

Another “how” is simply to remind myself that in each and every moment, no matter what it looks like, my son is already perfect and whole. He is an amazing being that’s having a crazy, sometimes painful, life experience, learning what he came here (to a physical body) to learn. Because this is part of my truth basket these days, I remind him that he is a brilliant, amazing, beautiful soul, riding a meat suit whose brain loves to mess with him from time to time.

The more my son can learn to distinguish his true essence from what’s in his life because of being in a physical body, the more comfortable he’ll be, and the more he can blast off and fly in his life. And yes, part of this is working with his body/ brain to help it be happier.

As I heal bits and pieces of me that love to cry out in fear and pain, I know I am changing because of how I relate to my world. Things that used to bug me no longer do. I have much more patience in general. And I’m noticing recently that because I’m less snippy to my family, the peace is permeating them as well. My gratitude for things they do, flows out of me and they are feeling it and responding in kind.

It might not be every moment of every day, but it’s often enough that I’m seeing and feeling change.

When you have a child whose head likes to mess with them, every day is a new adventure. Some days are good, some not so much. And then there are the stretches of bad days that feel like they’re never going to end. Last winter when I ended up pulling my son from school, I felt like I was holding my breath, waiting for him to get all better. For him to not be held prisoner by anxiety. I thought that within days his anxiety would be gone. I was wrong. I waited and waited for him to be better; to get over the hump. But things only got better in tiny bits, if at all.

He’d take a step forward and two steps back. Then two steps forward and two steps back. I finally realized after seven months that this is what our new “normal” looked like, and it didn’t sit well with me. I needed to delve into what was inside me causing so much pain directly because of my son being in pain. The fact of the situation was that my brain wasn’t telling me that I was going to die – my son’s was. So why was I responding as if I were the one having horrible anxiety?

Last spring, I had a hypnosis session around this issue, and the healing and wisdom that came forth in the session took me back to my youth, having to do with feelings around “perfection” and my not wanting to screw up my kid. It was in intense session and created a lot of healing, allowing me to let go of buckets of very old muck. And another session this past fall created even more healing for me.

Since those sessions, I’ve been able to be less reactive to my son’s bad days, and to hold my own, being a more solid and stable mom for my son. And feeling less stress around the entire situation (more often than not).

The other day, something happened that showed me that yes, I am really changing, and the change is going deep. My son had a bad morning. And not just a “I don’t feel well” type of morning. He was feeling deep despair and hopelessness. He’s learned to cope with bad days, as he’s had so many, but the days of feeling hopeless have been few and far between lately.

These are days when he has talked about not wanting to be here, and the other day he was able to use the word hopeless, when I asked him how he was feeling. There are teens who struggle and who feel hopeless from time to time, and some of them choose to alleviate their pain by taking their lives, often in an impulsive moment. I believe that my son could do the same thing, if the conditions were just so. He has issues with impulsivity and other brain issues. This could happen.

But is it likely? I think not. I talk with him about kids who make this choice, feeling like they are backed into a corner with no way out. I remind him that his feelings change, and that relief can be just a thought away. And I am actively working to create real change in myself and to help him create change for himself, so the possibility of this shrinks until it disappears.

A previous time my son talked about not wanting to be here anymore, through tears and with a very fearful heart, I expressed my fears to him about suicide, about my fearing that he might take action to take his life one day. He steadfastly and tearfully reassured me that he would never do it. As much as I heard his words, I know that he meant them and wants to believe them, and I also know that in the perfect storm of pain, people will do whatever they have to do.

The other morning when he said he didn’t see an end to feeling hopeless, instead of being gripped by fear for my son’s life, I did not totally freak out inside. I was able to be with him, asking him to talk to me about what he was feeling, to let his feelings out. He was feeling hopeless about something specific, so we were able to talk about taking steps to move forward. I don’t have all the answers for him and his life, but I can help him learn how to get through. And I can be that safe place for him to fall apart.

I did get a little bit rattled and flustered at one point, but not too badly. The wonderful thing was, before too long, with the help of his father, they were outside doing things, and even having fun sledding around the yard, with my son being pulled on a sled behind our small yard truck. The dark and destitute mood passed.

I have been having an energy healer work on my son, to help rid him of beliefs that live in his subconscious. Beliefs that make his life uncomfortable and fearful. It’s been a few months now, and one of the biggest changes I see has been the end of regular nightmares.

It is my hope that with time, my son will be able to let go of trauma triggers he’s had about school for the past few years. One of his healing sessions identified an early experience in his life, when he was four, that was traumatic for him, and being in school pinged on that early trauma over and over again, causing reaction upon reaction. Because he no longer resonates with that experience as being traumatic, the painful pathways in his brain that were created from it, are dissolving.

When confronted with a child who can’t handle being in school because of their extreme sensitivity to energy (everyone around them), and a child for whom life in a physical body can be so painful that they want to return to the spirit world, most people become scared, panic, and seek out medical intervention and medication.

If my son weren’t so exquisitely sensitive to psycho-pharmaceuticals, I would have had him on meds four years ago. But the experiment we did with medications was a short-lived miserable failure. And since then, I’ve learned that my son’s soul chose to manifest anxiety in this lifetime to give him an opportunity to overcome it. And I really believe he can.

I could say that it won’t be an easy or short road, but I honestly don’t know. The truth is, I expect my child to wake and feel normal every single day. It’s still a bit of a surprise to me when he doesn’t. I keep remembering one morning when he was first struggling in school, and I was having a healer work on him over distance, when he was asleep. He was around eight or nine. That morning, he woke up and exclaimed, “I feel normal!” At the time, I didn’t fully appreciate how big that was for him.

Even though it didn’t last, I know that he can be there again. And I’ll stand with him until he gets there, and beyond.