How do I write about something I barely understand?
How can I describe an experience I’ve been going through that my culture neither understands, nor accepts as real and valid? And when faced with it, often confuses it for mental illness?
If you have ever had a near death experience, you might begin to understand what my last few months have been like; but then again, probably not.
Our culture is so completely unaware of ourselves as spiritual beings that having an extreme spiritual experience can be very isolating. How do I talk about having a complete Kundalini Awakening when our society doesn’t understand what Kundalini energy is and what it does in a body and mind? The closest understanding Christians have to it is the crucifixion and resurrection process. But Christians aren’t taught that it’s a process that people still experience today – we are taught it was a single event that happened to one person in history.
How do I talk about what people call a dark night of the soul, when the closest language we have for it is hell?
How do I relate to the world and to myself when I’ve changed so much in a few short months that I barely know who I am anymore?
People on a path of spiritual perfection or of healing are always people who feel lost or not whole in some way. They are always people who feel like they are missing something in their lives, or who are in a lot of pain. It is a helpful path for many. And the irony is, for me, I’ve only ever wanted to feel better. I have never sought out the “spiritual” path, and yet, here I sit, coming out the other side of an experience that many purposely seek out and dream of having. They seek it because they believe that if they do this thing or do that thing, it will make all of their dreams come true, bring them salvation, stop their pain, make them feel whole, whatever.
So much of my human created pain has been healed that the extreme unfamiliarity of myself is challenging on some days.
I guess the extreme change I’m dealing with is not unlike when someone has a major change happen in their life that they didn’t expect: being handed a cancer diagnosis, having your child or spouse die, losing your job, your home, or your relationship. When these things happen, life as you have known it is over. Done. Ended. Gone forever. You have to become used to a new normal. Sink or swim.
There is a grief process, a time of letting go of the old and allowing the new. A time of welcoming everything and anything that comes along with as open arms as possible. In spiritual terms, letting go of what no longer serves me, what no longer works for me, and embracing every moment as it is, without judging it, without worry about the future or regretting the past.
The more I can remind myself that the only moment in time that is real is right now, that the only moment I have to deal with is right now, the easier life is to handle.
Very long story short, because my life has taken an extreme turn, this blog will include bits and pieces of the gold as I glean it.
But in the meanwhile, I’m still a wife and mother, dealing with the very real life of managing a household, raising a child, and being a loving and devoted wife. Many people who go through extreme life changes, leave marriages, move into new homes, and have to adjust to life without a loved one being in it.
In my case, the extreme changes are allowing me to interact more fully within my own existing life. Because I have been cracked open wide and can more fully allow love to flow through me, I not only feel tons more love for myself, but for everyone and everything in my life. It is an amazing and very good thing.
And as with all extreme change, the process to get to where I’m getting has been a real mix of pure unmitigated hell, and amazing grace and love. If you’re familiar with the Beaufort scale of sea states during different wind forces, I’ve been riding about a 12 on a scale of 10, 12 being hurricane force winds. And more recently, life has calmed down to about a sea state of five to six, with an occasional calm day or two thrown in.
(FYI, I’ve ridden out force 11 storm in the North Atlantic and it more than sucked: the ship suffered damage and we were lucky we didn’t go down. But that’s a story for another day.)
Stay tuned for more of my love of snapping photos, and some practical and inspirational words of life wisdom, while I continue to chop wood and carry water. Life is real, y’all.
Interested in the details.
I’ll likely put more specific details in my sister blog: Remembering My Divinity. Working on something right now.
I was lucky in the early, major days of kundalini — I was surrounded by spiritual types, teachers who knew about it, an acupuncturist who knew how to work with it, others who’d gone through it and gave me advice. It still didn’t prepare me for feeling like I didn’t know who I was any more. It’s been an ongoing experience as my healing continues, the kundalini settles down and there pops up again but with the constant change, in 25 years I don’t know that I’ve ever returned to a sense of self like I used to have.
All that’s a long way around saying, I’ve been there. Always sorry to hear it’s been hard for someone. I too was just trying to get a better life — doing spiritual practices, but more for that — and not trying to get kundalini [I used to say, “Really, people try to do this? Are they nuts???”]
Thanks so much. I actually do have one close friend who knows all about it and who has been helpful. And yes, regarding people try to do it on purpose, I absolutely do not recommend it unless surrounded by a great support system. I’m lucky that I did so much healing and clearing with my hypnotherapist. She made a lot of the process easy.
Wonderful to see you emerging. You’ve been in my thoughts a lot over the last few weeks. X
Thanks so much Jan. I tried to write a handful of times, but was too much in process. Lots of drafts sit. Beginning to feel a bit grounded again.
Can’t wait to read more about the journey. It’s wonderful to see you coming thru’ the other side, whole, healing, and filled with light.
Thanks Dawn. Still a bit bumpy, but more good days than bad. Fortunately, sleep seems to be what I need most when I’m not feeling myself. Still very much in process – but then again, aren’t we all?
I love how you write, your words always make me think.
The ocean storm photos – holy smokes!
Hanging on for more .. MJ
Thanks so much. Don’t know how much or often it will come for a while because I’m still so much in process, but it will come.
This (and your other post ‘To Witness’) is very powerful. I’m glad that you’re emerging and able to share what you are learning from this process. Good luck on your continuing journey.
Thanks so much.
It’s always difficult to talk about things you’ve experienced to an audience you aren’t sure will understand or “get it.” I’m sure with some time you’ll figure out how and if you want to share, and you’ll do it the best way you can. Hugs.
You are my favorite wood chopper – my favorite mariner – and one of my favorite people.
I’ve had a book titled “The Dark Night of the Soul” in my Kindle for a very long time – this version is from Mother Teresa. I haven’t read it yet because sometimes I think I’m fearful to do so.
I am looking forward to your photos, your insights and your beautiful words. AND – I hope to be more cyber-present in July 🙂 xoxoxo
Michelle, you’re one of my favorite’s too. I didn’t know Mother Teresa wrote about Dark Night of the Soul. Sounds like an interesting read. One thing I recently read about her gave me a massive insight into her and her work. And in some ways it’s 180 degrees out from where I’m going – although in some ways, she reached the same place. I’ll have to explain in a post. Once again, you have inspired me! As I’m coming back together, puzzle pieces in my brain being reassembled, I’ll have to post more photos to accompany my insights. It’s been an extremely intense spring for many.
Intense, yes!! Like an earth-shifting intensity. I need to read that book of mine – for all the good she did, she constantly fought with herself and never feeling good enough. If Mother T struggles, well…I guess it’s okay that we do, too ❤️
Yes! Earth-shifting intensity!! And I actually healed why I never felt good enough. I want to take hypnotherapy training because I know the step-by-step of how to get there now. And given the tools, I truly believe anyone can get there. Today, I actually have so much compassion and love for myself that I still can’t believe it (and it’s still rolling in). Life is truly an inside job, and it’s always a process, until the day we are done. ❤