Brain Droppings

My brain dropped out.

Right out from the bottom. Or was it the top.

It’s gone. Disconnected. But only for a while.

Can’t think. Words swirl around but I can’t grab them.

Second thing to hit my brain this morning was fear.

Buckets of old fear. Revisiting. Damned that shit. I thought it was gone.

Guess not.

I confess my fears, accompanied by tears. Let them all flow and go.

What a fucked up process this is, rewiring my brain.

It’s terrifying to wake up and not feel like me.

To not be able to connect to my own heart.

Sometimes I’m all logical brain with sprinklings of fear and shit thoughts.

And slowly, slowly, my heart and head begin to connect up again

And speak together in new harmonious ways.

Can I eat yet?

My solar plexus area is shifting and changing.

The chakra (energy center) there isn’t fully functional yet.

It’s still trying to connect back in with my body.

Or is my body still morphing and changing – that’s likely it.

I can eat some, but what? Fruit always seems to go down easy.

Veggies? Not many. Carrot sticks. Green olives chopped into hummus.

Potato, but only as chips, and not too greasy.

Meat? No. Can’t stomach meat right now. Grains? Nope.

Nuts and seeds? Maybe later. Deep dark chocolate? Later.

Trying to eat is a challenge because my body can only handle certain foods sometimes.

Like right now.

In four or five hours it might be completely different. Or not.

There is no regular or normal right now.

Inspiration strikes! An idea moves me into action.


Birds actually. Trying to steal all my blueberries

Before they even get a chance to ripen.

Run outside and take photos, getting inspired to write.

But my brain isn’t much more than a bunch of brain droppings right now.

Barely able to maintain a train of thought.

The train keeps leaving the station without me.

Feeling like a toddler needing a nap after only three hours of stimulation.

Time to shut down again.

This is a snapshot of what it’s like to be inside my head, looking through my eyes today. With this Kundalini Awakening process going on, it affects my physical energy, my emotions, and my DNA. Because my DNA is shifting and changing, sometimes very significantly, my physiology, is changing. And what’s most difficult to handle is changes in brain wiring. That means my ability to think, come up with words, eat, sleep, maintain constant body temperature, coordinate all of my body’s muscles, maintain a stream of thought for more than thirty seconds, and some days, to even know who I am – to feel like myself- is gone (or off kilter).

We are much more than our physical bodies. We have a template (for lack of a better word) that consists of energy, that informs (creates and maintains connected to) our body.

Think of the space around and throughout your body as pure energy. That energy works with your DNA to decide what your body looks like, and how it functions. That energy is biophotonic (light energy that is alive). That energy carries feelings and emotions. Those are your feelings and emotions. That energy carries information that our brains pick up on all the time, without even trying. These bits of information are ideas. That energy stream that creates each one of us and keeps us alive is what we also call our spirit or soul.

But using the word energy stream isn’t really correct, because it makes it sound like an individual thing, when yes, we do perceive of ourselves as very distinct individuals, and yet beyond our physical perception, we are part of one contiguous energy mass (that really has about zero mass). Yo! We really, truly, are all connected. Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t true for someone else.

Beyond our physical perception, we’re all part and parcel of one gigantic energy blog that is not only us (human beings), but this same blob informs (creates) everything. Planet earth, other planets, stars, and other forms of energy that we are aware of. (And some of these can’t be measured with instrumentation yet because our instruments aren’t sensitive enough). I’ve connected in a few different ways to this gigantic energy blog (through my heart’s energy), and what’s really cool is that I can actually converse with it because it has consciousness like we do.

But when the energy isn’t existing as a physical thing, it is completely open to becoming anything. It is quite literally unlimited possibility. (All of that “empty space” and “air” around you isn’t empty). Not only is it able to become anything, it has all of the intelligence and information through all time. We all contribute to this field of intelligence simply by existing. By being. So it’s ever-expanding.

My favorite thing about this energy is how it feels. Describing how it feels is a bit like trying to describe an orgasm, but the closest words I have are limitless acceptance, compassionate understanding, absolute nonjudgment. It allows all, accepts all, judges nothing. It feels like the most indescribable love, on steroids, ever. Oh, and when you get the energy of your brain and heart in exquisite alignment with this energy, it actually feels orgasmic. That’s what an orgasm is: not only a physical/emotional sensation, but it’s a moment when your head and heart are lined up with this energy that I’ve been describing.

(I just noticed my ability to write paragraphs instead of short phrases. Eating something probably made the difference. It’s hard to maintain one single stream of thought.)

So yes. We are so much more than our physical bodies. And as I’ve been going through this Kundalini experience, my awareness is changing. When I look out my eyeballs, what I notice and pay attention to is different. And how I process/ perceive/ think about/ feel about my world is changing.

Emotions that have been stuck with me, recycling as they become triggered, are coming up hard and fast. I have little to no ability to suppress them anymore. I have no choice in the matter. Feelings bubble up. My heart connects into the old pain from my past – from when it first became stuck with me – and I cry it out. Again and again. But this time, instead of temporarily tapping into the pain for a visit, I’m able to unravel the knot that was holding the pain in the first place, allowing years of crap go, further changing my DNA. And once again, my physiology and brain wiring changes.

And the song and dance goes on.

Thank God my family is understanding and patient with me and with this process.

One of the newer things I’m noticing over the past few days is words and phrases bubbling up and out of my mouth before I have a prayer of a chance to edit them. The editor in my brain is offline right now. This will make for interesting public interactions. I wonder how long this shit will go on.


I’m going to let this go here because I keep losing my train of thought. And if I let this sit until tomorrow, it will join the few dozen drafts I’ve been trying to complete over the past four months.

Oh yeah. That “energy” I was describing: the one that exists all around us all the time – the one that creates us and contributes to our ability to be alive – it has many, many names. The most common one I use is God. But because most people’s idea of God and my idea of God are so very far apart, it’s a challenge to know what to call it. I like to call it love because that’s what it feels like. And I like to call it light because that’s what it (I) looks like in my mind’s eye.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I’m just thankful that I’ve decided to put something out there, even if it’s not my old/ usual fair. My old is way gone right now, and I have no idea when my new normal will be in place. It might be in a few weeks, months, or years. There’s no way of knowing right now.

Thanks for following my wonky journey! Life certainly is an adventure, if nothing else!

[Must shut down completely now. Train of thought is leaving the station without me again.]

About mariner2mother

I'm a mother of a creative 20 year old son, a former merchant ship's deck officer, and a wife. To feed my creative side I take photos. I am also Reiki attuned and am a student of Energy Healing, having used several healing modalities to work on myself and my family. My most recent adventure has me navigating a very challenging Kundalini Awakening.
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15 Responses to Brain Droppings

  1. Reblogged this on Remembering My Divinity and commented:

    I might be cross posting between my two blogs for a while, simply because I don’t have the brain power or energy to maintain two separate blogs at the moment. And I also don’t have the want or desire right now to create something different and entirely new. So here ya go!!

  2. Star Light says:

    The final initiation is about Fear… and the most intense fear is the fear of dying, dying to our identity, dying to the body, dying to our ways of thinking… dying to the people we love… then we realize all of these are illusions and they feel so REAL… we then woke up in the dream within dreams, totally present with whatever life bring to us. Some people only experience the last few moments before their death… we are the lucky ones to face death face to face all through our lives.

    • For me, the worst was not knowing who I was. Not feeling like me at all. But I know enough about myself and my process to know I just have to ride it out. Sometimes it’s hours, sometimes weeks.

  3. For a moment, I thought that you were in my brain. Squirrel!
    What a poignant and honest capture…I’m going to benefit from learning more.
    Thank you so much for sharing!

  4. I have to echo Michelle’s comment–lots of squirrels for me lately! But I also find that to be so at this time of year anyway, with kids home and an unreliable schedule. I’m lucky if I can get one project completed a day, be it housework or writing!!

    • I hear ya. When kids are home full time, it sure changes the daily routine and expectations. It’s taken me (and my son) over a year to adjust to my son being home full time now that he is schooling at home.

  5. candidkay says:

    Thanks, as always, for your openness about your process. Helps the rest of us open our minds. I can relate, in some small way. I’ve been carrying an extra 30 lbs–thyroid gone wild. And yet, the past few meditations, I can feel my soul commanding others who have left me with their baggage to take it away. My body is refusing to carry it anymore. I hope your process is also a lightening–whether physical or spiritual.

    • Thanks Kris. Just the other day I thought about my weight and size for the first time in a very long time. What I realized is that right now any extra weight I’m carrying is here because it needs to be. And at some point, when I no longer need it, it will go. Ah yes – thyroid fun. Sounds like you’re right on it.

  6. Jami Carder says:

    Hey there. For some reason I am just now catching up on your blogs from the summer. My feed has gotten so backlogged I haven’t even attempted to catch up with anyone unless they are a part of my writing prompt group. So, I’m sorry for not participating and paying attention to you, because now that I’m catching up, I can see that there is a lot of shit going on with you. I’m kind of following along, but kind of confused as well. But, from the gist of it all, it seems as though you are waking up to something extremely intense and amazing. I’m going to continue catching up reading when I have more time, but I am off to sleep in a few minutes. Peace to you✌🏼

    • Thanks for dropping by. Kundalini energy is an energy of creation that can become activated in some people. It differs from the energy that creates us from an egg plus sperm into a complete person because it opens up in a fully formed adult. The purpose is a form of rebirth; letting go of and healing at a very deep level, things like fears and judgment we’ve taken on during our life (and other lifetimes). It creates another (?higher) level of awareness for a person and increases their intuition. It is an extremely intense process that I’ve been going through the heart of all summer, and in the long run will be amazing. But right now, it’s not a lot of fun most of the time.

  7. Thanks for sharing such vulnerable stuff with us, Susan. It’s powerful to read, and travel with you! And what’s up with the solar plexus…mines a mess!

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