Christmas Memories and Healing

Christmas is approaching, with the big day less than a week away. It’s a time of excitement and festivity, filled with the spirit of giving. Peace on earth and good will toward men, and all that. I’ve always looked forward to Christmas time, and especially so after I had my son. There’s nothing quite like spending Christmas looking through the eyes of a child.

The feelings of joy and wonderment have been tampered down for me by memories of the day my mother chose to leave this world. December 24, 2012, my mother’s plan to end her suffering and join my father, who passed away ten months earlier, was successful. She took her life.

As much as it was a shock to get the call of my mother’s death, it was a double shock to find out it was by suicide. Mom was bipolar, and during her later years, finding medications that worked for her, became more and more of a challenge.

Over the years since Mom’s death, I’ve come to terms with how she left the world, and I’ve been working on healing from the challenges of our relationship when she was alive.

Each Christmas season, I’m reminded of my mother’s passing, and this year, feelings of sadness, regret, and anger are gone. Last spring, while I was doing some very intense healing work, during a meditative time, I had an epiphany and was able to see my mother in a new light. I understood her mental illness, and I understood why she would verbally attack me when she was manic.

I understood it all at a very deep level and was able to bring my mother into my heart in a way I’d never been able to do before, in the process letting go of the rest of the pain I carried from our relationship. It lifted, like a balloon, accompanied by a cleansing torrent of tears. Since then, I’ve had more epiphanies that let me see my mother in a completely different light, allowing still more healing. Allowing my heart to open to my mother in ways it never could when she was alive.

What I saw as narcissism, was the little girl in her, terrified of being found out that she was poor and uncultured. The little girl acting out, needing so very badly to be worthy and rich. When her mania tweaked her perception of reality, the independent streak she saw in me became as intolerable for her as her own independent streak had been for her own mother. And she had to squash it. The little girl within Mom became triggered, and she’d lash out at me with her tongue.

Today, I have a lot of compassion for the woman who once created tremendous fear and disconnection in me. And indeed, compassion for others who walk in her shoes: people living with mental illness and other life challenges brought on by brain chemistry that isn’t “normal”.

It’s been a long road to get here, and it would have been a lot longer if it weren’t for discovering Energy Healing. Instead of carrying around fear, sadness, and pain from the past, Energy Healing has freed me up to live in the present, remembering that as much as there were many challenging moments during my relationship with my mother, I no longer carry the energy from them.

Only the love lives on.


One day, when it’s my time to leave this earth plane, it will be very interesting to reconnect with Mom, to see our lives together from yet a different perspective. I have a feeling that after this life, I won’t be in a hurry to come back any time soon.

About mariner2mother

I'm a mother of a creative 19 year old son, a former merchant ship's deck officer, and a wife. To feed my creative side I take photos. I am also Reiki attuned and am a student of Energy Healing, having used several healing modalities to work on myself and my family. My most recent adventure has me navigating a very challenging Kundalini Awakening.
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18 Responses to Christmas Memories and Healing

  1. janonlife says:

    It’s truly heartening to read of the healing and compassion you have been able to bring to this most terrible of experiences. It seems you’ve been on a massive journey of recovery over the past few months. I really hope you will be able to relax and enjoy the festive season with your family this year and wish you the very best for 2018 xx

    • Thanks so much Jan. And yes. The action of Kundalini energy in my body has enabled me to create healing on a different level. Exponentially bigger. Beyond only my consciousness, to mass consciousness. A bit challenging for the body and brain, but hanging in.

  2. yogaleigh says:

    Beautiful journey–Thanks for sharing.

  3. candidkay says:

    Wow. That sounds like it could really be a heavy burden to carry. I’m so glad you have transformed it and healed. Doesn’t surprise me, knowing you from your blog:).

    • Thanks Kris. It’s been an incredible journey. Truly. And as much as my feelings towards my mother have been healed, I still have my moments. But mostly they are moments of being sad that she’s gone, not of anger toward her.

  4. Incredible journey. Christmas can be bittersweet for many people; it seems to touch the most raw spots, doesn’t it? But you’re healing (even on the tough days), and that in itself is a blessing.

  5. The Hook says:

    Suicide leaves so much devastation in its wake, but we can;t hate those we’ve lost, can we?
    All we can do is celebrate their lives and move on – until we see them again.

    • I hope you’re not shocked when I say you absolutely can hate those we’ve lost. Being pissed off they’re gone is 100% normal and appropriate. It’s an expected stage of grief. And as much as I more than believe that people exist as much in spirit as when they were here in the physical, it doesn’t change the fact I can’t see or touch them. Hopefully, with time to process grief, and counseling if needed, we can move through it. Honestly, I’ve had some really effective therapy. And yes, celebrating and remembering the good times helps the heart heal. Thanks for chiming in.

      • I think in the beyond your mother knows and understands why you are still angry. And we know it’s years of processing. You’re doing fantastic work.

        • Thanks Christine. I’m actually doing extremely well with it all. Had a massive healing moment of forgiveness last spring. But it was several years to get there. “The Hook” is dealing with relatively new grief of a friend’s suicide (and doing better and better).

  6. “only the love lives on”—-love this.
    I often think about after my mom passes and we reconnect on the other side, how our relationship dynamics will have changed. I think the single most profound thing I’ve done in my life with my mom is forgive her for all the suffering and pain her mental illness has caused. I can see now she was making the most of what she had. I also have anxiety/depression now too, so I can feel the daily struggle to live in this world and relate to what my mom was/is possibly going through herself. (sorry, that was very confusing and rambly!)

    Anyway, again a very articulate and beautiful post!

    • Thanks so much Darla. I’m glad your relationship with your mother has found this level of healing while she’s still here. My mom didn’t stick around long enough for me to find it while she was here, but it’s ok. I don’t live with anxiety (although my son’s has gone through the roof with puberty), but I understand depression all too well. Been working on healing that, too.

  7. Thank you for sharing, and I’m so glad to hear this Christmas was a better one.

  8. Jami Carder says:

    So beautiful to be able to see the child inside a narcissist. That’s the only way I can connect with my mother. I’m glad the angst lifted for you…xo

  9. Pingback: Healing from Loss by Suicide | Life Is A Journey… Not A Guided Tour

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