Christmas is approaching, with the big day less than a week away. It’s a time of excitement and festivity, filled with the spirit of giving. Peace on earth and good will toward men, and all that. I’ve always looked forward to Christmas time, and especially so after I had my son. There’s nothing quite like spending Christmas looking through the eyes of a child.
The feelings of joy and wonderment have been tampered down for me by memories of the day my mother chose to leave this world. December 24, 2012, my mother’s plan to end her suffering and join my father, who passed away ten months earlier, was successful. She took her life.
As much as it was a shock to get the call of my mother’s death, it was a double shock to find out it was by suicide. Mom was bipolar, and during her later years, finding medications that worked for her, became more and more of a challenge.
Over the years since Mom’s death, I’ve come to terms with how she left the world, and I’ve been working on healing from the challenges of our relationship when she was alive.
Each Christmas season, I’m reminded of my mother’s passing, and this year, feelings of sadness, regret, and anger are gone. Last spring, while I was doing some very intense healing work, during a meditative time, I had an epiphany and was able to see my mother in a new light. I understood her mental illness, and I understood why she would verbally attack me when she was manic.
I understood it all at a very deep level and was able to bring my mother into my heart in a way I’d never been able to do before, in the process letting go of the rest of the pain I carried from our relationship. It lifted, like a balloon, accompanied by a cleansing torrent of tears. Since then, I’ve had more epiphanies that let me see my mother in a completely different light, allowing still more healing. Allowing my heart to open to my mother in ways it never could when she was alive.
What I saw as narcissism, was the little girl in her, terrified of being found out that she was poor and uncultured. The little girl acting out, needing so very badly to be worthy and rich. When her mania tweaked her perception of reality, the independent streak she saw in me became as intolerable for her as her own independent streak had been for her own mother. And she had to squash it. The little girl within Mom became triggered, and she’d lash out at me with her tongue.
Today, I have a lot of compassion for the woman who once created tremendous fear and disconnection in me. And indeed, compassion for others who walk in her shoes: people living with mental illness and other life challenges brought on by brain chemistry that isn’t “normal”.
It’s been a long road to get here, and it would have been a lot longer if it weren’t for discovering Energy Healing. Instead of carrying around fear, sadness, and pain from the past, Energy Healing has freed me up to live in the present, remembering that as much as there were many challenging moments during my relationship with my mother, I no longer carry the energy from them.
Only the love lives on.
One day, when it’s my time to leave this earth plane, it will be very interesting to reconnect with Mom, to see our lives together from yet a different perspective. I have a feeling that after this life, I won’t be in a hurry to come back any time soon.