Another Step In The Journey

You know how, when you’re deep in the middle of going through something, there are times you really want to reach out and connect? Times you need a friend to talk to or to vent to, or times you really just want to bounce ideas off someone? And then there are times you close ranks and are just going through it, not yet far enough along to be able to look back, because you haven’t popped out the other side yet?

Have you ever been in both places at the same time? Been going through one long, major thing that seems never-ending, yet something else pops up that becomes even more of a focus?

Yup. Right there. Going through an intense spiritual/physical/mental process that not too many people here in the US are even aware exists (Kundalini awakening). And to keep it interesting, no two people’s Kundalini awakening experience is the same, by along shot.

While my own internal world is being flipped on its head (in many very uncomfortable ways), and will continue to do so for likely several more months, or possibly longer (I have no real idea when this shit will be behind me), I am a mother. And in the past few years my son has some old challenges that, with puberty, have come to the forefront. Specifically, his anxiety. We’re far enough along in this little adventure that I can finally talk about it – a little bit.

Anxiety took my son down just under two years ago, necessitating pulling him out of school. When I took him out of school, I naïvely thought he’d bounce back and could do his school work online using a public school online option, or perhaps follow a curriculum much like what he’d been doing, just doing it at home instead of at school.

My first step was having him see a doctor who not only has medical training, but who is also intuitive and who has healing skills.

We followed a strict diet and used supplements for over a year. And they helped his body heal some physical things that had gotten out of whack. And my son had some energy healing work done on him.

The form of education we went with was very different from what his public school education had looked like. We deschooled and unschooled, having experiences and talking about what was learned. We learned to see life’s learning moments at every turn, working with a private school whose students all learn independently, at home.

During my son’s summer break over a year ago, I took him to see a very talented energy healer, one who has helped me a lot. However, with my son now being a teenager, and being able to feel other people’s energy as invasive, it’s become too uncomfortable for him to have other healers work on his energy field; manipulating it. So he won’t allow healers to work on him right now.

This fall, with specific requirements around my son’s education having changed (because he’s now in ninth grade), the way I’m handing his education looks and feels more like regular school. With that, the anxiety has been rolling back in with grand form.

The fall was a time of trying to cope with my own extreme challenges, while trying to teach my son, watching his anxiety melt his brain on a daily basis. I had to deal with my own fears of not giving my son a good enough education. And figure out how to teach someone who has learning disabilities, attention challenges, sensory processing issues, who is a teenager, and who is my own son. Who is a teenager! Whose brain melts down every time he even thinks about having to do school work.

Plainly, the past few months have been far from easy or relaxing. What’s the word for it? Oh yeah. A fucking nightmare time of practicing extreme patience.

I understand that anxiety is all about unconscious fears becoming activated when triggered. My son has huge triggers around having to do school work, and as fear and anxiety rises in him, his brain’s higher cognitive functions shut down. A part of him believes he’s about to die, and his brain reacts in kind. When he’s in this state, he can only do so much learning; so school work has been going very slowly.

Something about the hormones of puberty have made his anxiety ten times worse than it was when he was younger. And because I can’t turn back time or shut off his hormones, we deal with what’s here.

Most people, once they even understand that their child has a mental health issue that significantly impacts an area of their life that can’t be avoided, would seek out medical advice, that would land them in a psychiatrist’s office. And if I didn’t know what I know, that’s where we’d already have gone.

But I have experience with mental health issues, and I also know the power of energy healing. I know the benefits, and the limitations of head meds and talk therapy. And I know psych drugs all come with side effects. I’m also keenly aware of the cost of head meds, and the limitations that health insurance plans can put on which ones they’ll cover, and how much they’ll cover. And that’s even if a person has health insurance.

Back when my son was in elementary school, was struggling mightily, and according to their tests, didn’t qualify for an Individualized Education Plan, I had him evaluated by a neuropsychologist. She diagnosed him with ADHD, dyslexia and anxiety, on top of his pre-existing diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder. According to her report, the only way we could help our son be able to do better in school, was to put him on medication to improve his ability to focus.

He was ten. No mother wants to put their child on a daily medication that will change their brain, but like a dutiful mother, I took my son to his doctor, who prescribed medication after medication, changing the dose and monitoring my son’s behavior. I wanted it to help him. I knew that other kids benefitted from it, so it might help my kid too.

What happened was seeing that my son, who always struggled to do his homework after school, soon completely fell apart. Any and all self-control he could muster to comply with the wishes of others, was gone. His ability to pay attention in class wasn’t enhanced one little bit. And the side effects of these medications soon brought my son to the brink of suicide. Three medications. A nightmare.

Needless to say, my son, who is now a six-foot tall teenager, has less than no desire to see if medication can help him.

Modern medicine has no idea why my son couldn’t pay attention in school. It could only diagnose that he struggled mightily to stay focused on his teacher, and lots of things just didn’t compute. Based on a few things my son recently mentioned, I think it actually has more to do with his having dyslexia and not catching on to what was being taught, and then feeling overwhelmed and giving up. At the same time, he’s so intuitive that he can feel everyone’s emotions around him. Can you imagine being a child in a classroom of 25 – 30 kids, feeling all their emotions, trying to pay attention to a teacher who is inauthentic (his two worst years), and you don’t understand what they’re teaching, but you’re too shut down to ask for help because you’ve already gotten the message loud and clear that life is easier if you just shut up and sit still?

This fall, seeing clearly that my son’s issues with anxiety need to be addressed, and after a few months of my own personal hell subsiding enough that I could function somewhat again, I had a chat with the boy to explain to him about this brain condition he’s got going on.

I told him it’s not his fault, and there is a big component of it that’s beyond his control. But at the same time, it’s affecting his life enough that it’s time to be addressed. I gave him the choice of seeing his doctor, going the route of trying some medications again, or seeing my hypnotherapist. He chose working with my hypnotherapist.

It’s definitely a more challenging way to go at the moment, but if he can work with her, the changes he can create for himself can be life changing.

So far, the visits have been an exercise in patience, in noticing subtle progress, and in commitment. It will take time and persistence. More than I realized when the idea occurred to me in the first place.

It didn’t occur to me that merely sitting with his eyes closed, being asked to picture things in his mind, would set him off. But of course. He’s doing something that’s not really his idea in the first place, with a person he doesn’t know, fearing the unknown at every turn. Trigger, trigger, trigger! So much of life is and has been uncomfortable to traumatizing for my son, simply because he’s such an extraordinarily sensitive being.

I didn’t even think that a big part of this process would be learning to trust a stranger, and would be learning to trust in something he’s never done before and doesn’t even understand. But he’s doing it. Baby step by baby step. He’s getting there.

My prayers lately have been for patience. And to keep the faith.

I know how amazingly powerful the processes my hypnotherapist uses can be, from my own experiences. And I want that for my son. I know that the process can reverse effects of trauma, and can deactivate unconscious emotional triggers.

It’s hard to watch my child turn into a shadow of himself day after day. And as much as possible, I keep my focus on the potential of what hypnotherapy can do for him. I try so hard to keep my eyes on that prize, and not let fear, doom and gloom take over. Which is exceptionally challenging with my own mind being rewired, going through its own process.

For now, plan B (meds) is still in my back pocket. If and when we need to go there, I’ll pull it out. But we’re not there yet. Not by a long shot.

About mariner2mother

I'm a mother of a creative 18 year old son, a former merchant ship's deck officer, and a wife. To feed my creative side I take photos. I am also Reiki attuned and am a student of Energy Healing, having used several healing modalities to work on myself and my family. My most recent adventure has me navigating a very challenging Kundalini Awakening.
This entry was posted in Energy Therapy, Hypnosis, Kundalini, Mental Health, The Voyage and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Another Step In The Journey

  1. So sorry you’re going through this. It isn’t easy, but hang tight, this too shall pass. Hugs.

  2. janonlife says:

    Reading this just made my heart ache so much, for both of you.
    People like your son are the reason I’ve put so much time and effort into writing my ‘Vitruvian Lines’, because the way our society is structured is failing these people so badly.
    I had ‘help’ to write it – the ideas came through me rather than from me, which is what gives me the confidence to share these concepts with others.

    A few thoughts that might be helpful to you both at this point:
    Basically, there is nothing WRONG with him, or other highly sensitive/ dyslexic etc. people. The problem comes when the rest of society tries to force them into a way of living, learning and behaving that is completely alien to them. So if ‘school work’ is freaking him out totally, ask yourselves two questions:
    1) What would happen if you stopped stressing about teaching him stuff/ preparing for public exams/ college or whatever and he finished up with no formal qualifications at all, but an intact psyche? Are there ways he could make a living and have a contented life that don’t require those things? If so, is it worth the pain? Maybe he could do an informal apprenticeship with a photographer or someone who works in a field he loves. Maybe in ten years’ time, once he’s through puberty and in a calmer place, he might want to go into adult education and gain some qualifications, and maybe not. (My own dyslexic son worked in shops stacking shelves and then at 27 decided to get a degree!)
    2) If you both want him to pursue education, ask him to visualise and maybe draw the way he’d feel comfortable learning. Make it this term’s project – him deciding what he wants to learn, how he wants to learn, what methods feel safe and comfortable for him and how he would organise a day if he had free choice. Initially he might say ‘staying in bed and playing on my phone’ and so maybe a week of that to de-stress him, but he’ll soon realise he needs more in his life, and deep inside he probably has some fantastic ideas of how his learning would look.

    Finally – and I know maybe you and I differ on this a bit – I believe we all have the answers to all our challenges within us. We don’t need helpers and gurus and experts to tell us what to do next or to train us to behave differently. We simply have to work at creating our own reality the way we want it to be. It’s self-hypnosis. Tell yourself often enough that you choose your life to work a certain way and eventually your atoms and molecules will get it and will start behaving that way.
    Sending love and healing to both of you.
    Jan x

    • Jan, I love your thoughts and suggestions. I have run them through my head many times as well. My husband sees life through very different eyes, and he wouldn’t be able to handle allowing my son to just be and do what he can, and not earn some sort of high school certification. I currently allow my son to do and to just be, as much as I feel comfortable, and at this point, I’m making the best decisions I feel comfortable with (at a heart and head level).

      What my hypnotherapist helps a person do is get in touch with their inner wisdom, and allows that wisdom to help them. Her process is so beautiful.

      A lot of my struggles lately are truly my own. Having one’s brain rewired this quickly is beyond challenging many days. Because of this, anything I perceive in life as difficult on a “normal day” with a “normally functioning head” is sometimes ten times more challenging. I know deep down in my heart that no matter what I do or don’t do, my son will have a life. And he will experience the variety of experiences his soul chooses.

  3. I pray for patience and keeping the faith, as well. Hang in there, Susan. Bob

  4. candidkay says:

    As someone who comes from an anxious family, I understand a bit. I used EMDR with a trained therapist and it worked wonders. They use it on soldiers with PTSD but it also works on people with anxiety. And, eating clean helped immensely. Those processed foods–ugh. I am sure you don’t want to hear more ideas when in this situation, so I’ll shut up:). And just send you good vibes. You’ve got this.

  5. The Hook says:

    My heart goes out to you, old friend.
    We’re going through something similar with my daughter and her IC, which can be partially attributed to anxiety.
    As always, I’m sending positive vibes from Niagara Falls.

    • Thanks so much. One thing I’m realizing is that many of us, who were born very sensitive, live with anxiety on different levels. For my son, because he’s so extremely sensitive, has some brain dysregulation going on and he carries certain genes, I shouldn’t be shocked that anxiety is in his life. And it all relates to our ability to “digest” life on many levels. Appreciate the support, always.

  6. Jami Carder says:

    Oh Susan, I wish I had something helpful to say. Just know you are never alone. You’re so open now, you can receive energy from anywhere in the world, and I’m sending you some light right this minute.

    Maybe this awakening is happening for a reason…it might just lead you to the answer you’re looking for.


    • Thanks Jami. I’ll take any and all light, support, all of it. Even though this awakening caught me by surprise, I can’t help but believe it was something my soul desired. And it’s bringing healing and higher wisdom.

  7. bethanyk says:

    Your hashtag is a ditto for me. This whole post is a ditto for me. Please let this shit end!!!!! It’s been soooo long and the battle is so hard and I’m soooo tired!!!!

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