Molting

Today I feel like a lobster, molting. I’m delicate, sensitive, and haven’t quite got my bearings. I crave solitude and quiet. I hide away in the rocks, saying little to those around me.

I’m a snake whose skin is peeling off, shedding that which no longer fits, is no longer needed.

I’m deep inside a chrysalis, undergoing metamorphosis. Transforming my very consciousness. The caterpillar transforms in a few weeks. For me, it’s happening over many months, to possibly a few years. I don’t really know how long I’ll be in the soup of Kundalini metamorphosis.

Today, it’s having recently cast off vibrations of fear around being a mother and worrying about her child.

When my son struggles, it affects me, as it would any mother. And with the most recent school shooting, and all the fear it brought up across the country, something deep inside me began to rattle and shake free. Fear of losing my son. Every mother’s fear of losing their child. Fear of my son not making it in the world. It suddenly burst up from deep within me. That distinct part of my psyche that was so very scared rose up with a flood of tears. That part of me who I’ve been holding separate because of fear, was able to come back into my heart; the fear unlocked and freed.

Because I am changed these days, instead of the fear sitting in my cells, becoming triggered over and over, when a fear is activated, it comes all the way up and out of my entire system.

Glands and muscles around my heart ached as I sobbed, letting go of the fear they’d held for lifetimes. Yes. We hold fear in our bodies. How my DNA is expressed is now changed.

Two days later, I’m raw. Internally, I’m in pieces as my body and mind shift to echo my spirit, my changed consciousness.

Tired, sensitive, and sore, I find the balance of doing what I must and taking care of myself as necessary. Lots of quiet time. Alone time.

Watching all sorts of thoughts leaving my consciousness as echoes of former fear visit on their way out. Knowing they are no longer my truth. Not a fun process, but part of it all. “My son’s life will be shit if he can’t do this or won’t do that.” Lie. “My son could die at any moment.” Lie.

Eventually, the tiredness, sensitivity and wonky thoughts pass, creating a new normal.

And one day, I’ll feel less like a pupa and more like a butterfly.

butterfly

 

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About mariner2mother

I'm a mother of a twice gifted 15 year old son, and a former merchant ship's deck officer. To feed my creative side I take photos. I am also Reiki attuned and am a student of Energy Healing, having used several healing modalities to work on myself and my family. Our most recent adventure has me homeschooling my teenager and going through a spontaneous Kundalini Awakening.
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11 Responses to Molting

  1. candidkay says:

    Oh, man. Being as HSP is no picnic, is it? Those days you feel so very sensitive that it’s a physical pain. But with your broader perspective, I know you’ll weather it.

  2. emjayandthem says:

    You’ve very capably articulated what so many of us are feeling after recent events ~ we can’t help but shudder at the coverage and imagine what parents and siblings are going through.

    I have no answers except to say I feel it, too.

    Something that’s helping me is fasciablasting – fascia is our connective tissue, like a web underneath the skin. It holds hurts, anger, emotions, fears etc ~ working through that and smoothing it out is cosmetically helpful, yes, but it also can help you release feelings/memories that are “stuck” in you ~ look for Ashley Black Guru Fascia Blaster website – amazing!

    And — I don’t do a tummy blast before a date night otherwise my hubby’s date will be an emotional crying mess — lots of emotions stored in the “gut” area …

    Hope this helps you
    MJ

    • So cool to know someone who’s doing fascia release type of work. Good for you! (Rolfing is the same type of work, FYI.) The style of work I’ve been doing the past few years releases these very same things, but addressing it not by manipulating the physical body, but working with the energy field by following threads of emotions in a meditative state of mind until I find what’s holding them in place and allow it to leave. I release feelings/memories etc. and then the body changes in response. Same result, approaching it from a different direction.

      I appreciate your sharing what’s helping you. These days, I’m releasing and letting go very easily, and in fact too easily. That’s what Kundalini energy does – or what it’s been doing in me. All I have to do is pay attention to something, to feel into it and a release can happen. And the releases have been beyond massive. With releases this big happening continually, I’m having to ride wave after wave of exhaustion, hypersensitivity, wonky brain and other not fun side effects. It takes time for my body to catch up to my new energy field. Right now I’m waiting for my brain and body to catch up to a big release I had this past Monday.

      I wish healing work was more widely known about and available. There are a lot of people in our school system who would benefit from it. One day…

  3. The Hook says:

    I wish I could alleviate your suffering, old friend.
    But luckily, yours is a warrior spirit, so you’re fighting your way back to happiness and good health.
    Stay strong.

  4. This metamorphosis was hard for me, too. I didn’t know what was happening and felt I had no one to talk to who understood it. Just the same I bet that like me you already know that you wouldn’t have it any other way.

    • I didn’t know you went through a Kundalini awakening, too. I appreciate your comment. I know that once I come out the other side of this thing, and I’m able to integrate all of the shifting going on inside, and feel grounded and have energy again, it will all be worth it. Not there yet.

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