Today I feel like a lobster, molting. I’m delicate, sensitive, and haven’t quite got my bearings. I crave solitude and quiet. I hide away in the rocks, saying little to those around me.
I’m a snake whose skin is peeling off, shedding that which no longer fits, is no longer needed.
I’m deep inside a chrysalis, undergoing metamorphosis. Transforming my very consciousness. The caterpillar transforms in a few weeks. For me, it’s happening over many months, to possibly a few years. I don’t really know how long I’ll be in the soup of Kundalini metamorphosis.
Today, it’s having recently cast off vibrations of fear around being a mother and worrying about her child.
When my son struggles, it affects me, as it would any mother. And with the most recent school shooting, and all the fear it brought up across the country, something deep inside me began to rattle and shake free. Fear of losing my son. Every mother’s fear of losing their child. Fear of my son not making it in the world. It suddenly burst up from deep within me. That distinct part of my psyche that was so very scared rose up with a flood of tears. That part of me who I’ve been holding separate because of fear, was able to come back into my heart; the fear unlocked and freed.
Because I am changed these days, instead of the fear sitting in my cells, becoming triggered over and over, when a fear is activated, it comes all the way up and out of my entire system.
Glands and muscles around my heart ached as I sobbed, letting go of the fear they’d held for lifetimes. Yes. We hold fear in our bodies. How my DNA is expressed is now changed.
Two days later, I’m raw. Internally, I’m in pieces as my body and mind shift to echo my spirit, my changed consciousness.
Tired, sensitive, and sore, I find the balance of doing what I must and taking care of myself as necessary. Lots of quiet time. Alone time.
Watching all sorts of thoughts leaving my consciousness as echoes of former fear visit on their way out. Knowing they are no longer my truth. Not a fun process, but part of it all. “My son’s life will be shit if he can’t do this or won’t do that.” Lie. “My son could die at any moment.” Lie.
Eventually, the tiredness, sensitivity and wonky thoughts pass, creating a new normal.
And one day, I’ll feel less like a pupa and more like a butterfly.