Mother’s Day sometimes brings up a host of feelings for me. You see, my mother was mentally ill, and because she wasn’t properly treated until I was half way through high school, her moods would swing from the deep lows of debilitating depression, into the highs of mania that seriously skewed her outlook on life. I was raised by a mother who couldn’t be a stable and loving mother all the time.
Looking back, I know she did the best she could, and that’s all anyone can ask. But when your mother verbally cuts you down, attacking at the drop of a hat, it has an effect on a person. What I didn’t know until I discovered healing work, was how the dynamics of our relationship, especially during my early years, affected me as an adult.
I thought moving out and being on my own, geographically separating myself from my mother, was the answer. If I’m not around to be the target of her mania, I’ll be ok. It took years and some really effective healing work to not only see how my formative years were creating dysfunction in my adult life, but to change it, to heal it. To let go of the pain and dysfunction.
It sometimes makes me sad that my mother and I didn’t have a close and loving relationship as many other people have. But when I became a mother myself, it warmed my heart to hear Mom tell me what a good mother I am to my son. Having no one close by to teach me, I was left to follow my heart and be resourceful. So far, it’s working out pretty well.
On this Mother’s Day, with Mom gone now, I send her love and appreciation.