Struggling A Bit

This time of year marks a time of endings and new beginnings for many students and their families. The school year recently ended for most schools, and with that, students are graduating, receiving awards and certificates, and moving on to summer vacation. My son is not. We’re continuing schooling most likely through July.

We’ve been cobbling together some semblance of an education over the past few years, while dealing with his learning disabilities and mental health challenges. Late last winter, I finally made the long dreaded decision to stop working on healing my son’s anxiety, and instead, treat it with medication. It’s proving to be a rocky road, side effects slowing us down.

With Kundalini energy fully open in my body, creating massive shifts in my consciousness, my mind, and body, I’m a shell of my usual self. It doesn’t take much, and I’m thrown into an energy shift, followed by significant brain rewiring and exhaustion. Chronic fatigue – but not an illness. It’s a side effect of my Kundalini awakening. There are days when my usual optimism pops back in for a while, buoying me up. But they are so few and far apart that most days I spend a good part of them with a raft of lies flooding my head. The thing is, when I can take a breath, I know they’re fear-based lies.

“His stomach will never tolerate the meds and they’ll never work. What if there is no medication that alleviates his anxiety? What if he has to spend the rest of his life like this – a shell of himself? What if he has to try to go out into the world with what’s really about a sixth grade (or less) education? How is he going to make it? What if he’s never able to graduate from high school and is dependent on us for the rest of our lives? What if his mind permanently cripples him?”

Every time I see a post on Facebook lately about a friend’s kid graduating from high school or middle school, or earning some well-deserved recognition, instead of being happy for them, lately all it’s done is trigger fear and jealousy. And that’s not me.

I’m envious of people who have “normal” children. Kids who thrive in school. Kids who don’t have mental challenges that take them down. Kids who don’t have dyslexia and ADHD and sensory processing issues. I’m envious of people whose kids have only one challenge, not several. And people whose kids respond well to medication.

These feelings are not my “normal” at all.

And I’m envious of people who aren’t in the throes of an intense Kundalini awakening.

My internal truth is that we can make it through any and all challenges, and everything will work out. I know my son will be fine. I don’t know what fine will look like, but he’ll be fine. And even now, he has good times. Life isn’t all a struggle.

And I know that at some point, I’ll be not only fine, but better than fine. Just not yet.

Before my mind kept being put into a shredder, I had the faith to know that I don’t have to know the “how” something was going to happen. But that by following synchronicities and breadcrumbs laid before me, we’d get there.

I’ve had too many days of losing faith, struggling to remember my truth. Too many days of being hypersensitive to everything and everyone around me. Too many days of not being able to focus and feel normal. I know it won’t always be this way, but… holy crap!

Here’s a reminder to me and anyone else who’s going through tough times. In the words of Bob Marley, “Don’t worry about a thing, cause every little thing gonna be all right.”


About mariner2mother

I'm a mother of a creative 16 year old son, and a former merchant ship's deck officer. To feed my creative side I take photos. I am also Reiki attuned and am a student of Energy Healing, having used several healing modalities to work on myself and my family. Our most recent adventure has me homeschooling my teenager and going through a very challenging spontaneous Kundalini Awakening.
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15 Responses to Struggling A Bit

  1. matthew says:

    I totally understand what you are feeling with respect to the kundalini awakening and all it’s side effects that oftentimes throw your entire life into disarray, leaving you fatigued, spacy, detached, lonely, and whatever else comes along with it through all its ups and downs. It makes it all the more difficult having to go through all of that and raise a family and/or be a spouse to someone else, when you aren’t able to fully explain what is happening to you. You are not alone on this path. It started for me back in May of 2012 and hasn’t stopped. It’s changed and evolved and to one degree or another, lessened in its intensity with some physical and non-physical symptoms, but it hasn’t gone away. I am a completely different person than before with no way back. All I can do (or anyone else going through this process) is to be excruciatingly patient, understanding, persevering, and know that the path you walk on everyday is one that you are meant to be on. Life isn’t easy. Especially for those who experience this sort of thing. Having children who need special attention makes it even more difficult. I have 5 and all are different and all require different levels of attention and none are old enough to understand what I am going through. I think too, this process and the energy that you now give off has an affect on them, and that perhaps it is unexplainable to them, and makes them feel just as strange as you at times. We have to be mindful of that. Maybe some time down the road, when you and your child look back on these days, you can explain to him or her in a better way what was happening and both of you will come to an understanding and “ah ha” moment in life, and that all you are going through now is to maybe reach that “ah ha” moment so that your child will then learn something even more meaningful and purposeful from you. Stay strong.

  2. candidkay says:

    I’m so sorry. I know there’s not much else we can say. And I don’t want to be one of those people who suggest things–not helpful. All I’ll say is cannabanoid oil–natural and really great for anxiety. Sending hugs.

    • Thanks so much. Tried CBD oil 2 years ago (different strengths), when we were working with an intuitive naturopathic doctor. Did dietary changes and supplements for a year and a half. Took my son to a very talented healer who has worked on him off and on since he was 8. Took him for craniosacral therapy with a wonderful gal I’ve used. And had him work with my hypnotherapist, but he kept having panic attacks. And over the years I’ve taken him to 2 different counselors. I’ve done lots of Reiki on him over the years as well. Basically, nothing we’ve tried since I pulled him out of school a few years ago has helped alleviate the anxiety, hence the move to a meds trial. I appreciate your hugs! (Doing a bit better today).

      Edited to add: now that he’s a teenager, taking him to new practitioners is harder because he has to be on board with it. Plus, anything that’s new or unfamiliar becomes a panic trigger for him.

  3. As someone who suffers from anxiety, and has a child with the same thing, I feel you. And I love, love, love, that song! Bob Marley makes me smile from the inside out!

    • Thanks Darla. Keep us in your thoughts that the kiddo’s brain will be in a happier place before too long. There’s definitely a correlation between people who are very sensitive/empathic/intuitive, and having anxiety (and/or depression).

      • Absolutely. For me, I have to figure out where my emotions end and the other person’s begins. It’s like putting up a protective barrier, otherwise, it’s sensory (or emotional) overload!

  4. The Hook says:

    This was brilliant.
    Thank you.

  5. It’s hard when your child isn’t typical- and hard not to compare them to others. You might do some reading about The “Theory of Mind” if you haven’t already done so. It gave me some insight into how my students think.

  6. I usually don’t compare my son to his peers, but because my consciousness is being rewired again and again, the side effects of having my own fears dumped is an incredibly mentally uncomfortable one. In our western culture, people in the medical field (including psychiatry/psychology) aren’t taught what I’m going through, and most people don’t know what a Kundalini Awakening is or what it looks like, so very few people I know can even begin to relate. My biggest solace is that what I’m going through is a process, and life won’t always feel this hellish.

    Thanks for the Theory of Mind suggestion. Just found a Psychology Today article about it. Interesting theory. Thankful that as much as my son has going on, he’s not on the autism spectrum. If you work with students on the spectrum, the book Awesomism is quite eye opening as well. Makes a person see Autism in a whole new light.

  7. literata72 says:

    My son’s special ed teacher as well as someone at one of his neuro- visits told me that to have a profoundly special-needs child is like dealing with death. Death of dreams and hopes, a constant pit of sorrow…and each happy day is a grand celebration, and we see all of the parents doting over their “normal” kids and we think, “They just don’t even know how good they have it.” Yet I know, and I know you know, that we grow through this, and we begin to see more and more blessings as we learn a deeper language…we learn to feel and sense in ancient ways. We grow so much!!! Sometimes I think I would rewire my boy if I could, and sometimes I’m at peace with everything as it is. More and more often, there’s peace. I hope your boy is comfortable in his shell. I think mine is. The best we can do is constantly fill them with love, because the rest of the world might not do that when we’re gone. It’s hard telling. Best to stay in the Now, enjoy the moment. Cheers. ❤

  8. Thanks for popping over and for commenting! And yes, I totally relate. Having a special needs child is absolutely the death of dreams and hopes and the birth of new ones. It forces us to look at the world in a totally different way. And it’s been because of having my son in my life that my life’s been flipped completely upside down in the most amazing ways. Without him I wouldn’t have had a spiritual awakening, discovered energy healing, or had a Kundalini Awakening. He was a huge catalyst in all of it. And 99% of my current “struggle” is my own mind, thanks to this Kundalini process. Ugh!

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