Dear Readers, this post goes deep and might be a bit disturbing to read. So I’ll understand if you skip this one for now. But if you’re up for something real and somewhat uncomfortable, here goes. As much as I’ve shared a bit of my healing journey, sharing the amazing change that can happen using hypnotherapy and other healing modalities, I haven’t written much in this blog about one major part of my life. However, because I’ve experienced so much exceptionally deep inner change to something that was incredibly painful and shameful for much of my life, I want to share what’s possible. To let others know that if I can do this, so can others. To spread hope.
Thanks to many brave women who decided to speak up and speak out about having been sexually harassed or assaulted, especially when it came to having been victimized in the workplace, the #metoo movement was born.
As much as yes, I’ve been sexually harassed and treated poorly at work a few times, my biggest pain centers around having been molested when I was young. In my home. In my own bed. By my older brother.
Boom. There you go.
When it was going on, I was terrified to tell because I believed I’d get in trouble. I thought shit would rain down on me if I told. At the time, I’d been groomed and dominated by my brother for our entire childhood, with him seeing what he could get away with over and over. Again and again, I did what my brother wanted, even when I didn’t want to because I wanted him to love and accept me. I wanted to feel validated in his eyes. And acceptance came when I was the little monkey who danced for him by letting him to things to me. Things no one should do to a little girl.
The thing about being molested by someone in your own home, by family, by people who are supposed to love and protect you, is when it happens your psyche splits. As much as I was terrified and wanted more than anything for it to stop, another part of me blamed myself for it happening. My mind rationalized like a mutherfucker. If only I didn’t do this then he wouldn’t… I should have stopped him. And other lies.
It’s a brain thing.
The thing is, when my parents found out about the molestation, they were horrified and terrified. They were in shock. My father wanted to kill my brother and he wanted to protect me. And he was terrified that if word got out, he’d lose his ability to provide for our family.
What Dad did was put a latch on my bedroom door, swear us all to secrecy and send my brother and me both to psychiatrists. It was no help. The woman I saw made me feel ten times more shame than I already felt, making me believe I should have been able to stop it. And it was evident that the shrink my brother saw had little effect, because two years later when I forgot to lock my bedroom door and he was home on college break, he tried to rape me once again. This time I was able to fend him off. But I didn’t tell.
Life went on and I kept my deep, dark, painful, shameful secret. I believed for decades that it was my fault.
After a career at sea, I finally settled down to create a family and decided to do some therapy. With my therapist’s help, I was thirty-seven when for the first time in my life I realized and owned that I had been a victim. (The majority of victims of molestation who tell, don’t disclose until their thirties or forties if they ever do at all). I still felt shame around what happened, but I was now angry. Really angry. I wanted my brother dead. No, I wasn’t going to take steps to make it happen, but if he’d been killed over in Iraq, it would have been ok with me.
Every time I thought about my brother or had to deal with him, rage flared.
What took me years to realize was, my anger wasn’t hurting him or changing the past, it was hurting me.
The short answer to what’s beyond #metoo, is healing.
All our emotions and emotional triggers like anger, irritation, and rage, come from within. They all emanate outward. And as I discovered and studied energy healing, and had several healing experiences, anger and anxiety that seemed to be constant companions began to dissolve, being replaced by peace. It was magical and miraculous.
Over time, as I thought about the past and thought about what my brother did to me, I was able to remember without being flipped into instant anger. It was freeing! Blaming myself and feeling shame were gone, and anger was leaving as well.
For anyone who has been sexually assaulted, traumatized or violated in any way, healing work is a way to reclaim your sense of self. To reclaim power, dump shame, and heal personal boundaries. Can this be done through talk therapy? Probably, but the process is a hundred times longer and can be painful and draining.
As much as I thought my story was going to end there, a year ago I experienced a healing moment so deep that I hadn’t even realized I still wanted a loving, caring and protective older brother until that part of me let go the desire. The part of me who still wanted validation and a relationship with the person who had spent our childhoods being so disconnected from his own sense of self and power that he had to find it through taking mine, dissolved.
All desire and longing for a relationship with my older brother faded into the sunset. It vanished. Disappeared. No anger, no sadness, no regret.
I no longer wanted what I never had.
I know that before we’re born, our soul creates a blueprint of our life. We meet with members of our soul family and make agreements with them. Relationship agreements. We choose life challenges to give ourselves opportunities to grow. I know I had a soul agreement with my brother and I now feel that the big challenge I sought to overcome through painful dynamics of our relationship has reached mission complete. The growth has been nothing short of miraculous, and there’s nothing for me there anymore.
Because he’s still essentially the same disempowered person with no desire to change, I’m now ok to have nothing to do with him. In fact, I prefer it.
Experiencing trauma in life is shocking. And when our bodies experience shock, trauma becomes physically and mentally wired into us. Having our boss grab our ass, or having a co-worker you hardly know, who’s old enough to be your father unexpectedly plant a drunk kiss smack on your lips when you’re trapped in an elevator on a ship in the middle of the ocean, can be traumatic and shocking.
Shifting perception from blame and shame back into a state of self-empowerment takes time and effort. The solidarity of the #metoo movement has helped millions of women begin to heal. And as much as anger propels us to rise up, take action, and make a change, becoming mired down in anger for years eventually hurts us. Being able to let go of pain and anger takes inner work, and this is where energy healing shines.
Today, as much as yes, a horrible thing happened to me, I’m no longer a victim. I have my power back and am free from the past.