I grew up as a typical American kid living in the suburbs, going to church regularly when I was young, and later on only going for Christmas, Easter, weddings, and funerals. Religion was not discussed at home and wasn’t really part of my life, and spirituality wasn’t even on my radar.
Which is why it was such a shock when nine years ago this spring, I experienced a spiritual awakening that was subtle, yet not. After having a seminal psychic reading, something inside me woke up from a deep slumber and I suddenly became aware that we exist beyond the world we can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. I knew without a doubt we also exist as energy. An unseen field of energetic spirit that carries memories, information, and emotions.
A few years before, I’d quite accidentally discovered this thing called Energy Healing when I was looking for a way to lose weight and keep it off. I had a woman work on me for about a year, and during that time I took a class she offered on muscle testing. Using the body to determine whether something was in resonance with it or not. She taught me a bit about energy healing, but it was quite new.
When I “woke up,” a desire deep within burst into flames and engulfed me for a while. I had to know everything about energy healing… yesterday. Devouring information, I couldn’t read enough books or watch enough videos about energy healing. So many modalities out there, but which one was for me?
I took classes and workshops, learning this, trying that, and had metaphysical experiences along the way. What had been mere curiosity became burning desire to know.
Mere months after waking up, my parents began their major decline in health that lasted a few years until their deaths in 2012, ten months apart. In between handling this crisis or that, I took a class, went to a workshop, experienced energy healing, and connected with the metaphysical realm. I learned how to recognize and listen to my intuition.
As much as it was a tough time, dealing with a child who was struggling in school and hated to go, while doing things like dropping my life and flying across country to take care of my parents for a month with zero notice, getting into the world of healing was my saving grace.
Shortly after my last parent died, the Universe introduced me to a woman who would catapult my own healing into the stratosphere, guiding me to connect within and create amazing changes through the use of what she called “soul-directed” hypnosis. I like to think of it as spiritual hypnosis.
In each session, I was able to address issues and make changes within myself that usually take years or decades for a person to accomplish through talk therapy. So often it felt miraculous.
For the next four years, I worked with this hypnotherapist as life allowed. When I had the time and energy. For a few years, it was only a series of four sessions in the spring. And by the third and fourth year, recognizing the potential in my life, I had more sessions.
With each session, part of what I call my inner disconnection became reconnected with my spirit. Emotional triggers dissolved. Inner peace became more regular, even with people around me becoming upset. Life began to flow like never before.
Then one day a little over three years ago during a healing session, when we were getting to the nugget of an issue, just about the time I expected my upset inner child to let me know she didn’t trust me, causing her to split off from my consciousness years ago, she flipped the script. Instead of my inner child being upset with my adult self, she told me that I (my adult self) didn’t trust God; the God/Creator in me. The part of me that is God/Creator.
Whoa! Mind officially blown!!
Something deep within me woke up and recognized the Creator in me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I play a major role in the creation of my life. Co-creation actually. Because I’d had so many experiences of making changes in my life from the inside out, something decided it was time to flip the switch and level up.
The next several weeks were a whirlwind of looking at the world through a very different lens. My brain and perspective changed dramatically. And with it, a very powerful energy of creation, Kundalini Energy, cranked open in my body, kicking off my spontaneous Kundalini awakening.
When it began, there were a few nights that I awoke feeling shaking like an earthquake. In fact, I sat bolt upright in bed thinking we were having an earthquake. After a little while, I realized we weren’t. It was Kundalini energy vibrating vigorously in my body.
I began to heal things simply by taking a few moments of quiet meditation, feeling into uncomfortable emotions and allowing the root of the discomfort to come up and be spontaneously healed. No hypnosis needed. As beliefs held deep within shifted and let go, a wave of emotional release would wash over me with cleansing tears, followed by a phrase coming to me. The belief that had been buried and was now dissolved and a spiritual download of information about the belief would come to me.
It was an amazing time. Seeing through the lens of Oneness. Seeing myself in everyone and visa versa. Such love and compassion.
However, as I’ve learned happens with so many intense spontaneous Kundalini Awakenings, the initial stages of bliss and Oneness eventually passed, and what I think of as major excavation began. Everything and anything that lives deep inside that doesn’t resonate with Oneness has been subject to coming up to be healed and let go. And it hasn’t been happening on my life’s schedule, when it’s convenient for me. It was like tsunami after tsunami for almost a year and a half.
Initially, I was so extremely sensitive that merely connecting to a family member when they were upset would trigger things deep in me to spontaneously rise up and be healed, complete with a burst of tears as the energy was released. At first, I couldn’t control it at all. I burst into tears after inadvertently upsetting my husband. I burst into tears when visiting a close friend. What they couldn’t possibly see or know was the tremendous shift that happened inside me, causing me to see things differently after the tears. I was changing quite significantly.
But after each shift, I’d be decimated physically and emotionally. While my brain and body integrated the new energy, I’d experience days or weeks of total exhaustion and experiences of hell.
After a while, I was able to delay the energy shift and subsequent tears until I was in a private space, where I wouldn’t upset those around me who didn’t understand what was going on (my family).
This time was what many call the dark night of the soul. It’s tough. Beyond tough. It’s a time of holding on for deal life, using every tool you have, and praying. A lot. Or meditating. It’s a time when sanity is on the brink and just making it through the day is a feat. It’s a time when many experience all sorts of what’s called ascension sickness. Side effects of a shit ton of energy movement in and out of the body.
With every inner disconnection reconnected, with every old belief let go, the body goes through an energetic shift. The DNA is changed. How it is expressed changes. Muscles and other physiology go through changes, and there is pain. Pain that isn’t indicative of injury, but of the body self-repairing.
I’ve had months of my lymph glands here or there aching, and muscles that never bothered me suddenly aching for a week or three and then being fine again. Some major shifts brought on flu-like symptoms. Chills and sweats without a fever. Stomach rewiring, making me incapable of eating for a few days. (And yes, if something became worrisome, I went to my doctor).
With my energy field experiencing so much shifting, changing, and rewiring, integrating the change has been a whole lot of not fun. Exhaustion. Foggy head. Feeling off-balance. Inability to focus a thought. Experiencing times of fear, anxiety, and paranoia I could simultaneously recognize as not my truth. Because I recognized them as not my truth, I was able to watch really uncomfortable thoughts run through my head without feeling the need to act on them. And eventually they passed.
It’s sort of like having a jar of water with mud on the bottom and using a spoon to scoop out some of the mud. Yes, you’re removing some of the mud to help clarify the water, but the act of scooping up the mud stirs it up, making the entire jar of water appear dirty until things settle out. Integration is waiting for the water to clear up.
The worst has been not feeling like me. I can’t describe it any other way than to say that the internal connection we all have to ourselves, the connection we have when we’re five and when we’re eighty-five that lets us know who we are inside, was gone. It was like I didn’t know who I was because I couldn’t feel me. At first, it was terrifying. And as months passed, it became merely uncomfortable.
As miserable as it is to sit in a pot of sweat, looking at the world through a lens of anxiety, those times seemed to pass and don’t come visiting very often now. But what hasn’t left me in over two years has been exhaustion and a mind that is foggy, muddy, and unfocused. Yes, there have been a few days when clarity came back for a few days, or a few hours a day. Things are improving there very gradually, but it’s not back full-time yet.
And guess what you need to be able to sit and read a book? The ability to focus on it for more than a minute or two at a time. After spending a lifetime voraciously reading book after book, it’s been a shock to the system to not be able to read more than a few paragraphs. In the past three years, I think I’ve read either 1 1/2 or 2 1/2 books. So not me.
And you may have noticed a dearth of posts on this blog. Not only has reading become exceedingly difficult, but so has writing. Ideas pop into my head and immediately disappear. Ideas and inspiration spark a post, and a paragraph or two into it the information highway that is normally free-flowing and running on all cylinders becomes a mudslide, paralyzing all flow. The number of drafts sitting in purgatory is disheartening.
That said, now that I’m about three years and three months into this crazy spiritual Kundalini awakening, things are evolving. They’ve been evolving all the time, but I’m definitely over the worst of it.
Looking at the experience from the 30,000 ft view, it’s rewiring me to see and experience the world very differently. Through eyes of non-judgment and compassion. Not only that, but it’s brought my healing journey to a level I never knew was possible.
Growing up had it’s challenges, and two familial relationships in particular were fraught with dysfunction and pain. One that’s been healed to a point that it feels quite complete, is my complicated relationship with my mentally ill mother. I’ve healed from the pain of it, letting me remember our lives together without feeling anger, sadness, or other painful emotions.
The one I’m still working on is separating my life from an abusive brother. And hopefully, I’ll be completely free from him in the next several weeks.
About three years ago, I healed to the point that I was able, for the first time to recall so many dysfunctional things that transpired between my brother and I without becoming thrown into feelings of rage and powerlessness. And two years ago, another spontaneous inner shift in perception caused the desire to continue our relationship to dissolve in a healing I didn’t see coming.
Suddenly, I no longer wanted what I never had. I never had a loving, caring brother, and I realized (like a sledgehammer blow) that he was never going to change. All attachment to him just left. No anger, no sadness, no regrets, no emotions whatsoever. Just done. Freedom. And in that moment, I knew I had to take steps to disentangle from him.
I have a feeling that once I officially have nothing to do with this brother, another part of my inner child that’s been buried down deep, terrified to be known, will finally feel safe enough to come up and reconnect. A very young part who had to disappear in order for me to survive. I can’t wait to see how life changes. I’m so ready to be through with exhaustion, disconnection, and a muddy and foggy mind.
What constantly blows my mind is that I had a spiritual awakening in the first place, never mind two. I didn’t grow up feeling like something was missing in my life. I’ve never been religious or a spiritual seeker. The only thing I’ve ever wanted was for my son to be less miserable and for me to not eat away my feelings and to feel better. Looking for things to help us feel better led me down this crazy path of spontaneous spiritual awakening. Who knew?
And who knows what’s to come? Time will tell.
What a detailed explanation of this experience and what it feels like, wow! As I have shared with you, I too have experienced a Kundalini energy awakening and boy does it make life interesting! It’s definitely changed the way I view and move in the world. So much love and many blessings to you my friend ❤❤❤
Thanks. I wanted to share because most of the language of Kundalini Awakenings involves eastern philosophy and language (like Kundalini). I am not educated in that way (don’t have a meditation practice, don’t do yoga). And more and more people in the Western world are waking up with very little common language to describe their experience. As you know, as much as there are commonalities to Kundalini awakenings, everyone’s experience is also very unique. Thanks for reading!
Yes, completely understandable. I knew what was going on because I have been practicing both yoga and meditation for 20 years now, so that was a helpful aspect for me. I am happy to read your posts my friend because we share so much in common. It’s a pleasure really😊
I can truly relate to that feeling of experiencing the reality that we’re part creator and so much bigger in energy and love and power. It’s incredibly blissful…and then you crash back down to earth.
My journey has been different than yours but I also feel the “muddiness” of my soul/mind in trying to navigate this world after getting a glimpse of the powerful being I really am (and we all are!) I feel kinda lost now like I’m not sure what’s next and how to regain that peace in my soul.
Do you feel like once your pain regarding your brother changes and eases, you might have clarity again?
In answer to your question, God I hope so! I can see the thread of our relationship going back to another lifetime, and it feels like I’ve reached the end of it’s usefulness in every way. Have healed from pain and it will never be enriching for me. As for how to regain the peace in your soul, I have one word – heal. Connect within. I only know what’s worked for me, and it’s been using spiritual hypnosis. Pure fucking magic!
One thing about awakenings I’ve gleaned is, my soul is pretty much in charge. It decides to awaken and when I’ve reached good enough.
truer words were never spoken! no doubt our higher self or soul is in charge.
By the way…I’ve probably said this to you before (ha!) but have you considered publishing your posts as a book? Or submitting your writing to online journals that focus on healing and awakening etc? Your writing is incredible!!
Yes! And thank you so much for the compliment. My ego really needed to hear it today after struggling to write for the past few years. My brain is slowly beginning to come back online and I fully intend to write my story as a book. (This post was mostly written several days ago when I had a rare several hours of a clear head. And then finished and heavily edited through several days of foggy, muddy mind.)
So many interesting angles to this post, but this one sentence seems at the crux of it: “Something deep within me woke up and recognized the Creator in me.” Love this. That’s what it’s all about.
Yes Ma’am!! (And thanks!) There’s a phrase that I’ve always had issues with, yet it really fits now. Nietzche’s “That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”
Yep. My mother used to say that to me often :-). And I would grip my teeth. But I guess it’s true.
You did an incredible job explaining and sharing Kundalini….I didn’t know what was happening when it happened to me.
BECAUSE OF YOU…I was able to handle and accept and ultimately be grateful for the upheaval. Your words helped me not to be so scared even though the disregulation was horrible.
Sooo much I want to talk to you about, Susan. I still think we will get to do that someday. Xoxoxo
Thanks so much. I had no idea you went through this. If I can ask, when, and how long was life very difficult? And yes, I’d love to talk!!
I’d been crashing for 6 years – but didn’t realize it until July of last year. Friend – I left a wide swath of destruction. Growth is such a positive force, but it’s easy to overlook the carnage until you’re in the middle of it
Right back at you, Sis!
You write so beautifully. I’ve not got to this place yet but I sense the sands are shifting,
Thank you so much. The more you write, the more your own voice, whatever that is, will develop. Writing has been my “process” for years. How I work out my stuff, how I connect with feelings, and share tidbits. This blog began ten years ago when I felt the need the share what I’d learned about raising a child with Sensory Processing Disorder, to perhaps help another mother or father with a similar child, or to educate people to SPD… and the rest is history.
Yes, you do have good writing. It’s always refreshing to hear stories of spiritual awakenings or kundalini from those who express themselves frankly and straightforward from their personal experiences, rather than using all the terminology we typically see or read about in the traditional texts and stories from India…or where ever else. In fact, I yearn for this sort of thing. I wish there were a website that had original stories, devoid of the jargon that tries to tell you how or what kundalini should be, rather than just expressing it on an individual level, which is what it really is. Right? There is no one path…
Thanks Matthew. I too wish there was a website with original stories, without all the language I don’t understand. I sometimes think about people who are spiritual seekers and people who practice daily meditation and who practice Kundalini yoga and I am none of those. Yet I’m living every single day with Kundalini energy raging through my body. Still. When I go to YouTube to hear about other’s awakening experience and they talk about feeling bliss and oneness without talking about the flip side, I want to scream. Or they tell people what to do to help themselves and it’s no help to me. You nailed it – there is no one path. And I’ve found what works for me. At least, so far it’s kept me alive and I feel mostly sane again. If you’re interested in hearing more of the rawness of my awakening, I blog much more about it on my sister blog, Remembering My Divinity.
I felt most of my life feeling quite different from everyone else, or at least that was my perception. I questioned everything and thought deeply all the time. That followed me through into adulthood and I struggled for a while because I wasn’t like everyone else and that came through in my personality. Over time I began to accept it and understand more and more who I was and why I did the things I did. But, it took a long time. All of my experience and exposure to things in life, I think, were there to give me an opportunity to learn and grow, even though I didn’t necessarily know it growing up. Nothing is a coincidence. Here I am almost 50, having initiated what we refer to as kundalini over 8 years ago. And, I did this doing things my way…the way I felt I needed to do them, or to be…If I had to tell someone how to awaken the kundalini, I really couldn’t do that. I could tell my story. I could say meditation is a part of it – at least it was for me. What I can say definitively is that you need to listen to yourself, do your own thing, listen to your intuition and try to live it. See the connection in all things. Embrace whatever is – both good and bad, light and dark, positive and negative. Then, when you find a balance and understanding, maybe it is time for you to experience kundalini. I think in the end, whenever the universe deems it the right time, you will have it. No sooner. And, all this stuff we say we go through, or consciously do, or read…is just our subconscious response to an inner longing and drive (that we don’t really understand) in order to have whatever awakening we are meant to have.
Kundalini healing is fascinating to me. I don’t understand nearly enough of it. I can, however, relate to the periods of time in our development that perhaps you don’t understand to any degree what is happening or why, only that it must.
Eli, I love how you put it, “perhaps you don’t understand what is happening or why, only that it must.” It’s somewhat like going through puberty in that it’s a process that you just have to ride out. And along the way you begin to see things differently. Only, instead of becoming self conscious and developing a sense of self as an individual, it’s much the opposite: losing judgment and self criticism, and seeing yourself in everyone.
Healing and awakening are the part of our life, but we can’t take them seriously. great article …. ❤ ❤ ❤
Thanks for reading and commenting. As much as I’d like to take this Kundalini awakening not so seriously, I’m not there yet. Not by a longshot. I’m guessing you’ve never experienced a Dark Night of the Soul? Or maybe I’m just a little confused…
Most welcome.. yup. actually it is very difficult process of awakening, many peoples disheart on very first step. yup, i am gifted by birth so, i am protected from all type of dark and negative things… 🙂
Lucky you! My 2 awakenings both came quite by surprise, so my path has been very different. I’m not a “spiritual seeker” but have a great interest in making changes in life through healing. Cheers!
Thank you for writing this ~ you opened the door to understanding. Most of us, when growing, want to rush through the phase between now & next. I love that you sit down and experience it. That experience helps me.
I really related to this part of your journey ~ “Suddenly, I no longer wanted what I never had. I never had a loving, caring brother, and I realized (like a sledgehammer blow) that he was never going to change. All attachment to him just left.”
I have a sister like that ~ we don’t have a relationships. I used to have angst over it, mourning for what “should have been.” We “should have been” close. We “should” be friends. We’re neither close nor friends. Once that AHA happened I let her go. And I wish her well but feel nothing. I could have a deeper conversation with a stranger on a plane, and have.
Blessings to you ~~ keep writing about this!
Thank you so much. I’m sorry you relate, but so glad my sharing helps others. And glad you’ve found a way to let your sister go.
Thanks for sharing on your awakening. I remember the nights I would waken, my bed shaking so hard I thought I would fall to the floor. I remember wondering why such a violent earthquake wasn’t reported on the news. Or those nights when someone had me by the ankle and was swinging me back and forth across the bed. I would grab the edges of the bed and hang on as hard as I could. And later, being so annoyed because I kept bumping my head on the ceiling. I remember that one, I looked down at my body in my bed and thought, “Oh…I’m supposed to go out the window!” Or more recently, awakening while in the midst of a death rattle. Great. Then taking a fresh first breath, knowing someone else was using my body while I was asleep.
I’m so glad you’re willing to share. These awakenings are a tad bit disconcerting sometimes.
You’re very welcome. I appreciate your sharing as well. I just wish I was further along because the physical and mental exhaustion and disconnectedness has gotten old. Want to get back into the living of life instead of merely surviving.