Over the past three years and then some, I’ve been going through a metamorphosis from the inside out: a spiritual awakening known as a Kundalini awakening. It’s an intense process of change driven by Kundalini energy that’s become activated within the body. The thing is, when the energy becomes activated to a point where it runs on its own, without conscious intention (doing exercises to open it up), change happens, like it or not. Ready for it or not. And it’s not just one change, it’s an ongoing series of changes from within. It’s something like doing energy healing work, but on steroids.
The beginning of my awakening was like many others where I could see myself in everyone. The sense of Oneness was like at no other time in my life. And because I saw myself in everyone, I easily had compassion for everyone. Even for people acting badly. I understood that the motivations for all bad behavior were emotional triggers based on unconscious beliefs of pain.
And whenever I noticed feeling like I was pushing something or someone away, unable to feel compassion, resisting it, I could sit quietly in meditation, connect with the inner resistance and easily shift it, dissolving it. Whatever was creating essentially an energetic block in my heart was set free.
Then, I began to have experiences of inner shifts happening simply by being with someone who was upset. And these were people I was either connected to in some way because they were family or a close friend, or they were staying in my home for a visit. Basically, whatever they were upset about sent out a wave of vibrations and I picked up on them, resonating in kind. Not intentionally – it just happened. Like when you hum a pitch to a tuning fork and the fork begins to ring its note. If there was something about me, my energy field, that resonated with the other person’s upset, my field would reverberate, shift, and then let the upset go.
Usually, I’d also get information like a phrase, dumped into my head so I knew what I’d just healed. The thing is, the other person wouldn’t experience healing, just me. But I became aware of things they could heal if they were so inclined. Unconscious beliefs that are emotional triggers.
At some point in my journey, these spontaneous healing moments began to happen so frequently that my body and mind felt like they couldn’t integrate from the last shift before another hit. Like a tidal wave, I’d be broadsided, a quick release and relief, knowledge downloaded and exhaustion, both mental and physical.
Life began to feel like hell. They call this the dark night of the soul. It’s a bit different for everyone, but for me, it’s been a few years of struggling to exist every day. Waking up completely exhausted with my head a mess. Wishing I’d reached the end of my life so I could go to the other side. While simultaneously knowing I’m just in the middle of a really hard process that will eventually feel better (and it is, a little bit).
After about a year and a half of not needing to work with a hypnotherapist, I’m back at it, working with a new spiritual hypnotherapist who is helping me clear out what feels like lifetimes of cement. My former hypnotherapist, whom I loved to work with, moved away and these days is teaching.
What’s different about my sessions now is, what’s been coming up is not only specific to my life, but the issue resonates with the collective consciousness.
Because of what’s been going on in the world recently, I decided to share my most recent healing session here. I’ve been sharing the lessons from previous sessions over on Remembering My Divinity.
During a hypnotic healing session, I address what’s bothering me the most in my life at the time. Whether it’s physical or emotional doesn’t matter. The red flag is what’s catching my attention the loudest. And what’s been causing me the most pain lately has been my left elbow and muscles just above and below the joint. I wanted to see what was going on and heal it, and glean some higher wisdom about one part of my past relationship with my older brother. It turned out the two things were related.
The session was recorded so I’m including some of it verbatim. And to let you know, it’s quite an emotional rollercoaster. My Kundalini awakening seems to have significantly deepened my emotionality during my healing sessions.
After the induction period of the hypnosis session, when I was relaxed and focused on my hypnotherapist’s voice, she asked the pain in my left arm, what’s going on?
As I focused on my arm and the pain, I sensed a young part of me who was really upset with grownup me. She had her arms crossed and her back turned toward me saying, “Fuck you! You didn’t help me out when I needed you. You left!” That attitude again (it’s come up in other sessions). She’s… ten. (beginning to get emotional). Yup. She’s about ten. And she’s really, really mad at me. And the more I tune into her, the more anger comes up. (Begin to cry). It’s a lot of anger. It’s turning into rage. She’s saying, how dare you let him do that crap to me. She’s really upset with me, like nobody was there to defend or rescue her. Every night when she went to sleep, she’d pray and pray for somebody to save her, and nobody did (still crying). Every night she’d want somebody to take her away from it all. (Like a knight on a white horse coming in to save her).
At that point, my stomach started to hurt. My gut. It became a bit upset. And I heard her say, “Damned right!! I put myself in your gut. I put myself in your arm.” She put herself here and there. It’s almost like she was hiding. Self-preservation.
Hypnotherapist (H): Is it that she doesn’t want us to forget?
Me: She shattered and put herself in different places so if one part “died” then the other part would still be there. She’d survive. (Suddenly got really emotional – bawling) And she said, “If I cause enough pain, you’ll have to attend to me. You’ll have to come save me. You’ll have to address the pain if I cause enough pain. You’ll eventually have to address me… (still crying) because I’m not going away until you do.” She’s telling me, “I’m just going to throw a tantrum and cause you pain and dysfunction and fuck with your life, giving you no choice but to address me one way or another.”
H: So it’s a huge cry for help.
Me: Yes. She’s saying, “And best to address it like this rather than have it get really, really toxic, like cancer or something. Cause this is where people have things that turn into cancer when they keep blowing it off and blowing it off and don’t address it and don’t address it. That part of them festers and turns black and eventually explodes and turns to cancer and other stuff.” Major bodily dysfunctions.
I heard her say, “So get on with it! God damned it!” (As in, let’s heal this! So I can let it go).
H: She knows what she wants and she knows what she needs.
Me: Yup. And she said, “Help me out!”
H: How can we help her?
Me: The first thing she said… she just screamed… (burst into tears) “Acknowledge ME!!!” (Hypnotherapist acknowledged her, but it’s not what she wanted). It’s that her brother doesn’t acknowledge her. He never acknowledged her (crying) and he probably never will… cause he just doesn’t get it…That’s what it is. She wants him to acknowledge her pain. For him to understand it. The truth is he can’t understand it and he never will. And she’s having a hard time swallowing that truth. She’s having a really hard time accepting it, because it’s not fair to her. (crying) She just keeps saying it’s just not fucking fair. I can see her, ten years old (wearing jeans and a striped t-shirt) laying on the ground, pounding her fists and kicking her feet, having a tantrum, saying it’s not fair. That fucking asshole got away with murder. “He murdered me and it’s not fair. That bastard.”
This is where the ten-year-old part of me separated from the whole of me years ago, shattering and becoming stuck in time. Stuck with these emotions. The straw that broke the camel’s back was her deep desire to be seen and validated by the person who could never do so. She kept trying to please him and make him happy, thinking he’d one day realize what she was feeling and stop his predatory behavior. Thinking he would somehow recognize her discomfort and embarrassment and empathize with her. But he didn’t and can’t. He has no capacity for empathy. She finally gave up, separating from me. Existing only in my subconscious mind.
Me: She’s asking for help. She’s laying there, “That fucking asshole. That bastard.” She’s ready for someone else to come in and do the heavy lifting.
My hypnotherapist called on my Higher Self to help this young part of me, and with the asking, one of my healing guides came in. She brought a very high vibration of love, feeling very motherly. Crying with relief, my inner child immediately ran to my guide, hugging her and accepting her unconditional love.
My guide said, “I’m always here for you baby”… “I’ve always been here for you too, even when you didn’t know it and didn’t feel it.” She said, “I’ve been riding along with you this whole time.” I see her almost like riding a horse. I see the younger me running along, playing, and the guide is riding a horse along beside me, telling me she’s always been with me. She said there were times she had to step back and just observe and let things unfold, even though they were painful for me as a young girl. She said, “yes, things felt very unfair and things were hard. There was a lot of despair. But I never left your side. I was always with you.”
(More tears). And she said it’s time to unwind. Time to unwind herself from the body. Time to unwind the pain from my (present-day) arm and from my whole torso area – where she hid herself all the years… it’s time to unwind all of that… and let it go because it no longer serves my higher purpose (big sobs). The guide is saying she can tell I don’t need it anymore.
I could see where my inner child had created energetic blocks in various parts of my body, stashing herself here and there in fear of becoming nonexistent. They looked like knitted bits – energetic patterns of knitted yarn. And the yarn began to spontaneously unravel. My guide took up this unraveling yarn, winding it into a ball. End pieces of yarn from all around my body: my arm, my back, my foot (where I broke it a few years ago), and other areas that cause me pain from time to time, unraveled. I knew my guide would collect up all the yarn (energy) and take it back to Source to be transmuted back into pure love (pure potential to create something else).
My guide kept telling me I don’t need my brother’s validation. “You don’t need his validation because it’s never going to happen.” She just keeps saying, “You don’t need his validation. You don’t need anything from him. You will get nothing supportive from him, ever. You don’t need it.” That need is gone, gone, gone.
At this point I checked in with my inner child and she was feeling much, much better. She was strong, flexing her arms, and was happy again. Joyous in fact. She was ready to party.
At the end of the session, when my inner child had let go of the belief that had been causing such pain, and she was once again in alignment with my soul, my guide gave me some more information about my past that I’d been wondering about since my last session. About some very difficult truths about my story. About when my brother’s mean treatment toward me escalated into outright abuse.
I was told, there was just a lot of shit leading up to it when I was ten. Things started to change when I was ten, but became outright abusive a little later. Eleven, almost twelve. My guide kept telling me, “You got this. You got this. You can own this without owning the pain. You can own your story without owning the pain of it.” I feel the truth in it. Yeah. That’s nice. (Healing means being able to remember events while feeling no more associated traumatic emotions).
This concluded the session and the days since then I’ve been processing it all. I’ve been integrating the changes and noticed, the other day, that my sessions often bring up things that are resonating in mass consciousness at the time.
Just four days before my session, George Floyd was killed by a police officer. Another black man killed while in police custody. While he was videoed pleading that he couldn’t breathe as the officer kneeled on his neck. The exact symbol of white supremacy over the black man: a white man in power kneeling on the neck of a black man, holding him down.
With the pressure cooker of COVID-19 already pushing most people to the brink of their coping skills, Mr. Floyd’s death became the straw that broke the camel’s back. And instead of becoming a calming and reassuring presence (like my guide during healing sessions), our president further fanned the flames of divisiveness and unrest. Instigating even more hate and discontent while peaceful protests broke out into riots. My country has spent the past few weeks protesting and rioting, looking much like my inner child when I first tuned into her, tantruming because she wasn’t acknowledged, wasn’t seen, wasn’t heard.
Racism in my country is still so pervasive. People not being acknowledged or recognized as equally valid and valuable human beings. Not heard or understood. And as much as I’ll never fully understand what it’s like to live as a black man in my country because I’m not black and not a man, I do have the capacity for empathy. I have experienced racism, but it was from only one person. It’s not an everyday occurrence, and I don’t fear for my life because of the color of my skin or the texture of my hair.
I wish healing a nation was as easy as having a hypnosis session. It’s not. However, as we each learn to take responsibility for our actions and feelings, learning how to change and heal whatever’s no longer working for us, my hope is that we’ll become more compassionate. More loving.
And when it’s time to change laws and practices, may we create outer change with as little collateral damage as possible.
Bit by bit the world is changing.