During the first several months of my Kundalini awakening I found it very easy to connect with my inner world and create intended healing. Walking around in a state of Oneness, my energy field felt blown open wide. It felt like the energetic boundaries I’d created through many healing sessions were gone, sort of. Things I’d healed were still healed, but experiencing the world at a new level, with a new and quickly changing perception meant addressing some things I’d already addressed, but at a different perspective. Sure I’d driven down this road enough times that I knew how to get from my home to the grocery store, but instead of being the passenger, for the first time I was operating from the driver’s seat.
The other day, the topic of sensory deprivation tanks came up, and I wondered how I’d gotten turned onto them in the first place. About six years ago when I was working with a medical intuitive, she saw I’d benefit from floating in one. If you’re not familiar, they’re a completely enclosed space big enough to hold a person floating in several inches of skin temperature water that is super saturated with epsom salts. The water is so salty you float like a cork. No gravity weighing you down. And while you float, you’re completely naked and the door (or lid) to the space is closed so you float in complete privacy and darkness. If you’re not so sure of being in complete darkness you can turn on a low light. The newer, fancy tanks even have a multitude of light colors to choose from. And wearing earplugs keeps out all noise.
The idea is to feel weightless with no light or sound and you just float (usually for an hour). It’s a form of meditation that can completely relax your body and is very therapeutic.
Me being me, I didn’t go when the idea was first brought up. And two years later, an intuitive whose blog I followed wrote about floating and having had a deep healing experience. That perked me up a bit more, and it took another two months before I got my butt into a local sensory deprivation float tank.
But I finally did it. And I chose to float with earplugs in and lights off for maximum therapeutic effect.
Once I was floating and began to relax, I noticed some discomfort arising in my left shoulder, lower back and hip area, and my left foot. Feeling physical discomfort was a signal of inner resistance coming up. So I thought about how all the discomfort happened to me on my left side: the feminine energy side of the body. I thought about judgment being a form of resistance, and how I’ve judged myself for being female at times.
In a patriarchal society, being female means being a second class citizen. It translates into preferential treatment based on sex and things like unequal pay for doing the same work. When I was in my mid-twenties I worked on a seasonal tourist fishing boat as a deckhand with a teenager nine years my junior. The second summer we worked together doing the same job, he got a raise. I didn’t. Even though I was almost a decade older and he was in high school, living at home with his parents. And growing up with my mother, being female meant receiving the brunt of her verbal abuse, something my brothers didn’t experience. Or not nearly as often.
Floating in darkness, I focused on my painful left shoulder and intuitively connected to a part of my inner self who was sad and felt very alone. She said life is too hard and she can’t do it alone. She felt very isolated and scared. I went back in time as far as I could and connected this feeling to the time when the veil fell for me, leaving me disconnected from the world of spirit. It was a time when I stopped knowing I’m divine and connected with everything and everyone, and for the first time in my life felt alone. Cut off. I lost some trust in myself.
As this revelation came to me I heard a deep, masculine voice come booming out of my Third Eye telling me my life’s plan would be challenging, and that many people wouldn’t be able to relate to me. And it reminded me when things get too hard, to take life a day at a time, or a minute at a time, to keep the faith in the bigger plan, and wait for it (to show up). It felt like the voice of God.
I focused on my sad and lonely inner child and opened my heart to her, accepting her completely with love. As she jumped back into my heart, letting go of her pain and loneliness, I wept with an emotional release.
With each and every moment of accepting wounded and hurting aspects of my inner child back into my heart, self-judgment and other forms of resistance have been dissolving bit by bit, allowing me to see the world through more compassionate eyes. And as resistance in life in general has been dissolving, I’ve noticed more flow and trust between me and the Universe.
The crux of my Kundalini awakening has been a continual process of recognizing various forms of inner resistance that resonate with mass consciousness and healing them. Resistance that has been kept hidden away deep in my unconscious mind, and through the action of Kundalini energy is working its way up giving me little choice but to heal it. The effect of such deep healing has been a dramatic change to how I experience the world.
These days I feel little to no judgment, blame, or guilt. And shame was healed several years ago. When I interact with folks or watch people’s interactions, because I’ve healed so many of my own emotional triggers I recognize inner resistance in all its forms (pain, anger, fear, sadness, etc.) and have an understanding of why it was created in the first place (survival). Instead of instantaneously jumping to take sides, because the black and white filter of judgment is largely gone, empathy and understanding arises instead. That doesn’t mean I don’t have discernment and preferences because I absolutely do. It just means I’m not energetically plugged up by emotional cement.
My Kundalini process has been one of very deep healing that’s not optional.