Gratitude and Shit

I’ll start by letting everyone know I totally ripped my post title off from a fellow blogger I admire. One of the things he posts about every now and then is just this: gratitude and whatever else is going on. So Eli, I hope you don’t mind a direct steal. But I’m doing it my way.

One of the things I’ve become pretty good at over the past decade is looking at life through lenses of gratitude and positivity. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no Pollyanna. I’ve lived more than my fair share of dark times. But there’s always been something deep inside me that tended to see the glass as half full. There’s always been a connection to my heart that despite becoming quite battered and bruised, never gave up the ghost. It’s always been there for me in a clincher. When push comes to shove, I’ve been able to count on it.

Life has thrown some real muther-fuckers challenges my way over the past decade. Some were mountains that took months or longer to navigate, like my elderly parents last few years, when after a lifetime of independence they suddenly needed care, followed by their deaths ten months apart. While others changed life’s trajectory in one way or another, like when my son’s mental health tanked and I had to take him out of school. Yet while these things were going on, good things happened too.

Every experience came with eventual wisdom. And there were many lessons learned along the way.

I had become Reiki attuned and experienced a spiritual awakening just in time to help me navigate some of the toughest times. Coincidence? I think not. Using energy healing and learning ways to connect with the unseen realm (often times with help from others) has made life a thousand times more bearable.

Learning how to see the silver lining in any moment has carried me though all sorts of challenges.

The past four years have been without doubt the most challenging time of my life. The pace and depth of intense and constant inner change courtesy of Kundalini energy temporarily disconnected me from this gold and silver braided thread: my heart connection. It’s like someone turned off the tap, leaving it to drip painfully slowly. And that’s not me.

I hadn’t felt like me. The part of me that never changes. The part of me I’ve been connected to since I was born and will remain until I die. I remember my very elderly father talking about feeling like he was still the young boy in New Hampshire who grew up playing at the beach and hiking the White Mountains. Inside he was still that person. But for months, I woke up day after day disconnected from that feeling. Not feeling at all like myself was excruciating. It seemed like where my heart connection should have been was a hole of emptiness for a long time.

And very gradually, things have been shifting over the past few years to the point where finally, my connection to myself feels like it’s coming back online. Feeling happiness, gratitude, and love for no particular reason is creeping back into my essence.

I’m beginning to feel more and more like myself as recent deep healing shifts are walking me further along this intense awakening journey. Sparks of optimism long gone are just barely beginning to return.

Things I’m grateful for begin with my family. Grateful that despite my husband’s grasping next to nothing about my awakening process, he’s still here supporting me as he’s always done, taking care of our family. And grateful for my son who shows me every once in a while that all my rambling about life and modeling things for him is sinking in. Many relationships don’t survive Kundalini awakening.

I’m ever so grateful that despite living through a pandemic that has taken so many people’s lives, I don’t know anyone personally who died. My family, friends, and acquaintances are all well.

I’m grateful that my body is still chugging along, even if it’s struggling a bit at the moment, with all its massive challenges over the past few years. And grateful for the medicines and supplements supporting it until I no longer need them.

And I’m ever so grateful for this blogging space – a place for me to sometimes vent and always share. For the people who come here curious to glimpse my little corner of the world. For the people who feel a sense of community here. Thank you all for reading.