Although my life’s journey walked me into spiritual awakening and energy healing, awakening me to parts of my life that I’d forgotten, I’m amazed at the grace my life has had at the same time. Forgetting things that happened when I was too young to be able to process and retain conscious memories allowed me to keep walking through life. Having all sorts of beings in the world of spirit protect me from things I wasn’t supposed to go through kept me blissfully unaware of narrowly escaping harm and potential death. And having spirit orchestrate a few things in my life that allowed me to grow up with so much family dysfunction under the radar protected me from all sorts of shame and rejection when I would have been much too young to handle it.
I find it simply stunning that painful memories from my past that I’d long ago forgotten only surfaced during healing sessions when I was very comfortable remembering them and was actively dissolving the pain and letting it go. And that the process my soul chose to introduce me to would make healing feel so easy and fast.
I’ll concede that it took trying this and that and going with what worked, and even after finding my modality of choice – hypnotherapy – working with a handful of different people, each one better than the last. And I was able to fit it all into the life I already had. But one thing I know about myself is I love efficiency. If something doesn’t work for me after a good ole’ college try, move on. If it works, stick with it. And tweaking things to work better is always an option.
Because of how my life went I didn’t identify with having been abused until I was in my forties. Some people spontaneously remember traumatic events they’d blocked out and then have to do years of therapy to be able to deal with it. That hasn’t been my path.
I’d forgotten years of my mentally ill mother’s treatment of me; oscillating between verbally attacking me when she was manic and rejecting and abandoning me when she was depressed and couldn’t get out of bed. Those memories were all gone until my teenage years when she completely lost touch with reality and was hospitalized for the first time.
Having to do for myself at a young age, I learned how to make breakfast by watching my parents do it. I can still remember proudly making my parents breakfast in bed for their anniversary when I was about five. I couldn’t read yet, so I had to ask my mother how to make her morning Sanka (pour boiling water into a mug with a teaspoon of granulated instant coffee and stir). And I forgot to butter the pan when I made my Dad’s egg and it ended up being scrambled instead of fried, but he was ok with it.
I’d also forgotten how mean my older brother had often been to me when we were little. I spent our entire childhood trying to get him to like me and to let me play with him. I didn’t see him as some sort of deviant, bully, and predator. Memories kicked in somewhere around age 13 or 14 when he had been molesting me and I became pregnant. And as happens with victims, I blamed myself and felt intense shame for decades. Through doing healing work that’s gone now. What happened to me when I was growing up was not my fault.
And even after doing quite a bit of healing from having been molested, I didn’t really know why for decades I blamed myself for being violated until a conversation with a cousin sparked a memory flash just this past late March. And because of having active Kundalini energy coursing through my body it didn’t take much to heal that either.
The psychiatrist my parents sent me to after I gave birth to the product of incest when I was not even a week past my fifteenth birthday treated me as if I were complicit in the sex. I was never treated like a victim by the psychiatrist or by my parents (although my father put a latch inside my bedroom door that I had to use every night to keep my brother out). My becoming pregnant through incest courtesy of my older brother was treated as a shameful act that must never be spoken about.
Although I lived with the shame for decades, because things were kept very quiet I wasn’t ostracized. And yes, back when I gave birth to my daughter, if people had found out about the incest and about my being pregnant, my family and I would have been ostracized. It was a very different time.
The people I grew up with, with very few exceptions still don’t know. And I’m selective in who I tell. It’s shocking to suddenly destroy people’s versions of reality and their version of the past.
As I find small online communities of people who are healing from abuse and people who are actively doing therapy to help themselves live with mental health challenges and feel better in life, I watch as they become vulnerable and share their pain, and I read stories of those who’ve been in therapy for decades, revisiting their pain over and over taking months or years to reach a breakthrough. Finding ways to get help when it’s often expensive, and I applaud every one of them. It’s often easier to live in denial.
And I’m bowled over by the path my life has taken, that yes, I fully believe I’ve had a lot of unseen help in walking. I’m bowled over by the metaphysical things I experienced during hypnosis sessions before I had a clue they were metaphysical. I just knew that they enhanced my life. Like having angels come into sessions to help me heal and connecting with my higher self when I didn’t know what it was. Or seeing a giant gaping hole in my heart being magically knitted back together.
I’m bowled over by the progress I’ve had in relatively few healing sessions. If I’d only worked with therapists I never would have been able to so easily remember lost memories and it would have taken years to heal what I was able to accomplish in just one hypnotherapy session. I know people who have been in therapy for decades and will be for the rest of their lives. And as much as I wish my magical healing experiences on them, I know we each have our own path to walk. In truth, I may not work with a therapist these days, but I’ll be using healing as a tool for the rest of my life, as needed.
It still amazes me that so much of what I’ve been able to heal is beyond the scope of talk therapy and allopathic medicine. (Although there’s absolutely a place and a time for those too).
Walking into a path of healing and spirituality has not only enhanced my life in ways that can truly only be appreciated when experienced, but having Kundalini energy crank open took everything up a hundred notches. That said, have the past four years of navigating this powerful creative force been smooth sailing and filled with only love and light? Hell no! It’s been as wonky as a Gooney bird trying to take off or land.
But this mystical and magical path life has brought me down, no matter how hard it’s felt for the past few years is incredible. I’m still here, am more healed than I’ve ever been, and am still learning how to fly.