Almost a decade and a half ago, during a hypnosis session geared at helping me gain control over my weight, I had a metaphysical experience where an angel enveloped me and healed me of shame. It was incredibly transformational, relieving me of a burden I wasn’t even aware of. In the years to follow, I’d have an inner awakening where the calling to learn about energy healing exploded out of me.
A few years into this spiritual awakening, having previously discovered the transformational power of hypnotherapy, when I met a woman whose practice combined her years of experience as a therapist with hypnosis techniques and elements of spirituality, I had to give it a try. Little did I know, but the four years we worked together would transform me in ways I wouldn’t believe possible.
As I continued to address stress and frustrations that drove me to eat when I wasn’t hungry, there were also sessions on things like body image, self-empowerment, and personal boundaries. It didn’t take very many sessions to create profound inner change.
These days I don’t feel ashamed of myself and when things go wrong, there’s no immediate inner impulse to blame myself. Because these emotional triggers have been healed, I don’t feel these feelings about other folks either. However, before discovering healing work, I lived with a heavy mantle of shame and blamed myself for bad things that happened in my life.
When I dug into all sorts of discomfort in hypnotherapy sessions, I discovered that roots of present-day frustration, anger, boredom, judgment, and more went back to having been mistreated by a few family members. One of the reasons I’ve had body image issues since puberty was having a mother who was always dissatisfied with her body. She was always on a diet, and as soon as puberty hit and I started to get curvy and put on some weight I labeled myself as fat and jumped on the diet bandwagon too. Having two brothers who were were all skin and bones, I stuck out like a sore thumb. What makes me sad is seeing pictures of myself when I was a preteen and a teenager I was never heavy.
Not only did I deem myself too fat, but when I became pregnant as a result of my brother constantly molesting me, my fourteen-year-old body hadn’t even finished developing. When I was hidden shamefully away to spend the last few months of my pregnancy behind a wall – a home for unwed mothers surrounded by a tall brick wall – I remember the other girls saying I didn’t even look pregnant when I arrived. But during my last 4-6 weeks of pregnancy, my belly finally swelled greatly as the baby grew and her feet pushed up into my ribs. Not only did my belly swell, but I developed wide stretch marks on my sides as my skin tried to keep up with the growth.
After I gave birth to my daughter and gave her up for adoption, I lost weight and went on with my life, keeping the shameful secret I was forbidden to ever discuss, except to the psychiatrist I was sent to after my daughter was born. The months of therapy were supposed to straighten me out I guess. What I wouldn’t remember until I was 56 years old was part of the reason I blamed myself for being molested was because the psychiatrist treated me with the assumption I had been complicit in the sex. I was absolutely not. The other part of why I blamed myself for having been molested was as much as I tried, I couldn’t stop it. My brain reasoned that if I couldn’t stop it, then it must have been my fault.
Going through my teenage years with massive stretch marks on my sides meant I couldn’t wear a two-piece bathing suit. And a belly that had been so overstretched never again laid flat enough for me to feel comfortable in some clothing I would have liked to wear. My once perky breasts sagged and were never pretty like all the models I saw in magazines. I was very self-conscious about my body. And especially self-conscious about the stretch marks until I was grown and had my son.
Publically having a baby later in life gave me license to have stretch marks and saggy breasts. But doing all the healing work took away all sorts of shame and disdain for myself. Which is why I was so surprised in a recent massage to have issues of body image bubble up and become healed yet again.
With Kundalini energy quite active in my body, it’s made me unusually sensitive and shifts to my consciousness – healing things deep inside – have been happening somewhat spontaneously during massages.
When my massage therapist works on muscles on my torso by placing her hands on my side and gently pulling across my body, I usually don’t think twice and merely relax into the pulling and stretching. But for some reason, I became unusually aware of the stretch marks and kept thinking about them as she put her hands right on them, repeating the massage technique several times.
With my focus drawn to this area of my body, I suddenly became a bit emotional as memories of feeling so self-conscious came back to me. Allowing a few tears to run down my face, I told my practitioner about how for so many years I’d felt so much shame because of the stretch marks, and carried so much blame for having been molested and impregnated. As I talked about it, more emotions and tears came to the surface along with two words that played over and over: shame and blame. Shame and blame. Whatever had been holding these feelings hostage in my torso finally let go as they surfaced like a balloon that had been held underwater for years.
Shame and blame I hadn’t known were still with me shifted and released with a bubble of emotion, and after I settle down, I relaxed back into the rest of the massage.
Reflecting upon what came up to be healed, because I’ve felt so secure and confident in my body image for a few years, I can only conclude that I’ve been resonating with someone beyond myself, and very likely with the collective. After all, what’s the number one New Year’s resolution? To lose weight and get in shape. So it’s no surprise that with such a high collective vibe around poor body image, something along these lines would come up again for yet deeper healing.
Vibrating at a level of Oneness means I’m healing at a collective level these days. Things I healed and were a thing of the past are still healed at the individual level, but they’re fair game to be healed anew. And as each issue rises up and becomes healed I’m changed once again.