Another Trip Around the Sun

I don’t generally blog about my birthday, but this year the celebration extended to three days. Not feeling quite like myself, I haven’t felt like celebrating for the past few years – which isn’t me. Growing up, birthdays were a handy excuse to have a party and have a bunch of friends over. My parents were pretty social and I especially enjoyed Dad’s parties because they fell during our summer vacation on the coast of Maine.

Dad’s birthday was a combination of cocktail party and cookout. During the earlier years, it was a cook out with a bar set up for the adults, while we kids were treated to a rare soda. Things like soda and chips were for parties and summer island picnics. And as we all grew older Dad’s birthday shifted to cocktail parties with finger food.

When Little Man was young I’d have lunch out with a small group of girlfriends and have a cake and ice cream at home. But the group dwindled as our kids grew up with one dear friend remaining.

This year’s celebration kicked off a day before my actual birthday with Little Man asking me to accompany him to his new place of employment: the grocery store where I generally shop, and telling me to pick out what I want for my birthday while he went to collect his first paycheck. Selecting a pretty bouquet of flowers and some of my favorite dark chocolate, Little Man proudly paid for them with his own money for the first time. His having his first job was actually the best birthday present ever.

That night at home, my guys celebrated me with cards and a few of my favorite snacks (since food allergies make it next to impossible to find a cake I can eat). I don’t eat much in the way of sweet baked goods like cakes or pies anyway, so I’m fine to forgo a birthday cake.

The night of my actual birthday, Little Man had to work so I had dinner out with my sweetheart. It had been far too long since just he and I ate out together and it was nice to share a somewhat private table for two. When it came time for dessert because it was my birthday I was offered a choice of a free slice of cheesecake or deep-fried ice cream. My husband enjoyed the cheesecake.

The day after, my sister-in-law had a barbeque and I was celebrated once again, receiving a beautiful calla lily plant in full bloom and having my nails adorned with sparkly, colorful nail polish strips. My nails are usually kept quite short courtesy of my violin-playing days as a girl, and I generally don’t polish them. Working on boats and ships wasn’t really the environment for long or painted nails either. But they are looking good with a darker coral shade at the cuticle fading to light champagne toward the tips, embedded with plenty of rosy golden flecks of glitter.

With Covid, family get-togethers have been few and far between, and it was good to catch up with a few folks we hadn’t seen in several years.

sun setting through the trees

It’s been a few days since I drafted this post and today I awoke remembering it’s my daughter’s birthday. The beautiful baby I knew I could never keep. Forty-three years ago she was born through me to make a couple a family. A couple who wasn’t able to conceive yet longed for children. I know little about them other than when they adopted her he was an engineer and she was a teacher who left teaching to become a mother. I can only hope and assume they were able to give her the love and life she deserved.

I have no idea if she even knows she was adopted, but if I could have any wish it would be to see her. To see if she looks anything like me and to find out if she’s had a good life. To know a little about her hobbies and see what we have in common. An intuitive friend told me years ago that she’s married with kids, and I imagine it was extra special for her to have family who’s blood-related and who resembles her. Another thing I wish for is to meet her mother. To meet the woman who opened her heart to this baby girl and thank her for adopting her.

I think every birth mother who gives up a baby for adoption wants the best for their child and is curious to know them. Yet I also sometimes take a step back because of how she was conceived. What would it do to her and her sense of self to know she was conceived by rape? By incest? For those reasons, I haven’t searched for her and likely won’t. Yet, years ago I had a letter put into her adoption file with my contact info should she want to find me.

Off I go for another trip around the sun wondering as I set out if this will finally be the year I come out of the tunnel phase or the big squeeze of Kundalini energy. If I’ll finally come back to myself and feel normal again. My new normal. As much as my inner world has dramatically shifted, it won’t mean much until I’m able to feel like myself again and function more fully in the world. Every time I check in with my higher self about this, I hear I’m getting closer. Really close.

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About mariner2mother

I'm a mother of a creative 19 year old son, a former merchant ship's deck officer, and a wife. To feed my creative side I take photos. I am also Reiki attuned and am a student of Energy Healing, having used several healing modalities to work on myself and my family. My most recent adventure has me navigating a very challenging Kundalini Awakening.
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15 Responses to Another Trip Around the Sun

  1. Love…in so many things we could wish forever. But you put it out there dear lady and regardless of circumstances it can only be love that arrives. Happy Birthday dear lady, may your next lap around the sun find that closeness that your heart seeks, as only an open heart can do 😀❤️🙏🏽

  2. Happy happy birthday and let the celebrations last as long as you want. Sometimes I think that maybe we’re the planets and the sun revolves around us. I hope the smoke has cleared for you and your kundalini awakening is gentle.

  3. Dwight Hyde says:

    Happy Birthday🤗. So glad your guys treated you well. You are amazing my friend!

  4. janonlife says:

    A belated happy birthday to you, and to your daughter, wherever she may be.
    So wonderful to hear that Little Man has a job and paid for your present with his first pay cheque. I can just imagine how much that means to you.

  5. Lori says:

    Sounds like you had a lovely birthday. Your story of your daughter moved me to tears in a personal way that no one could ever understand.
    Belated Happy Birthday. Many blessings for your next trip around the sun.

  6. HAPPY BELATED! Sounds like a nice day…

  7. Karin says:

    Happy birthday and all the best for the next year. The celebrations sound wonderful.

  8. It’s great you are getting closer! Wish you good luck!

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