Year’s End

As we near the end of one of the most challenging years of our times, I’d like to share some photos. Because I’m still deep in the trenches of going through an ultra challenging Kundalini awakening, I’ve been unable to gather up my camera equipment and head out specifically to take pictures. Not enough energy. This, in combination with the pandemic meant no trips over to our local daffodil or tulip fields in the spring. No summer vacation trip taking us across country or anywhere else.

However, even though my fancy camera hasn’t seem much action this past year, I keep a really nice point and shoot camera in my purse at all times, and use it a lot. All sorts of things catch my eye like pretty flowers, captivating sunsets, wildlife, and the moon. And my husband bought a game camera to capture wildlife in our yard.

For the past few months salmon have been back in our little river spawning and dying. And with the salmon come the eagles. Nature’s clean-up crew. We mostly see bald eagles in our area, and I’ve been photographing them frequently. The eagles with the dark plumage are juveniles as it takes up to about five years to mature into full color. Mother Nature gives the birds good camouflage until then.

Here’s a smattering of pictures from this past year, many taken very close to home. Enjoy.

May you be blessed with peace in your heart, and may everyone have a happy New Year.

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Merry Christmas

I love Christmas trees! And here are a few I’ve come across in my local travels.

At a local restaurant.

In a local office building.

Our new tree!

On one of our town’s streets.

Our town center.

May you all find peace and happiness this holiday season.

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Healing from Loss by Suicide

Eight years ago today, Christmas Eve was an ordinary day of mothering my son, getting excited about Christmas, and having just returned from shopping when the unthinkable happened. With the rear hatch of my minivan open I answered my cell phone. It was my mother’s caregiver calling from across the country.

When she’d gone upstairs to call Mom to eat, there was no response. After 911, I was the next call. Mom had died. While the medics were tending to her they found a suicide note and several empty pill bottles. The note was cliché saying she was in a better place. It would take a while, but I eventually realized she was indeed in a better place.

Living a lifetime with mental illness, upon Dad’s death ten months prior, Mom’s medication no longer kept her moods in check. She spiraled up and then down necessitating two hospitalizations within seven months. It was evident that she couldn’t even begin to process Dad’s death. Along with uncontrolled Bipolar illness, I’d began to notice some dementia as well.

Three months after Mom died, I’d been thinking about doing some more hypnosis work and the Universe connected me with a soul-directed transpersonal hypnotherapist. She combined her experience as a therapist with hypnosis techniques and blended in spirituality for a powerful healing modality that fast-forwarded my healing journey.

Three years after Mom’s death, having merely a handful of hypnotherapy sessions a year, I was in a really good place not only with my mother having committed suicide, but with our complicated relationship in general.

As much as I felt that I’d healed pretty much everything possible with regards to my relationship with my mother, after Kundalini energy opened, facilitating healing at an entirely new level, I experienced a moment of even deeper understanding about my mother’s mental health challenges, and healed even more. It felt like the rest of our relationship was healed. Like any pre-birth agreements we’d made were completed.

Because I’m still going through a very steep ascension process, the past few years have been challenging in new ways, and I’m learning to walk my way through it all (with some excellent help).

However, this past year has brought new levels of challenge world-wide with the Coronavirus pandemic, and with unusually high levels of stress there’s been much more depression and anxiety in the world, and more suicides.

If you know someone who committed suicide and you’re struggling with processing it all, this beautiful article by Robert Schwartz, author of “Your Soul’s Plan” and “Your Soul’s Gift,” gives a perspective of suicide most people aren’t aware of, and it’s very healing.

The case discussed in the article is of a mother grieving the loss of her son by suicide.

 “ ‘Every suicide preventable by outside forces was indeed prevented.’ What he means is that if the suicidal person has the slightest openness to changing their mind, the Universe knows, and the Universe stages an intervention. It could be something as simple as a bird flying by and distracting the person, or something as dramatic as an angel assuming human form and physically interceding. If you have lost a loved one to suicide, know this: There was literally nothing you could have done to save them.

You are not to blame.

You are not at fault.

You did not fail them.

Therein rests your healing. Therein lies your peace.” (From Your Soul’s Gift, chapter 11).

And I know from personal experience that if a person’s journey in life isn’t done, their suicide attempt will be prevented. The fact that my mother’s suicide attempt was successful means her death was permitted. There was agreement with her soul and the greater Universe which allowed her life experience to end. And she was met with great love on the other side. She still exists; just not as a physical being right now.

With everything we’ve learned living through 2020, may 2021 be a year filled with as much grace and ease as possible.

If you’re in the USA and need help, the suicide prevention hotline is 800-273-8255. The Crisis Text Line website has numbers to text from the USA and Canada, the UK, and Ireland if you’re stressed out for any reason.

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The Christmas Tree

Wanting to surprise me first thing last Friday morning, and because his father had asked him a few times, Little Man put up and decorated our Christmas tree. With the exception of one or two Christmases, since my hubby and I moved to the Pacific Northwest we’ve used an artificial Christmas tree. So, this would be Christmas number twenty-two since we bought it.

Hearing my iPad’s alarm go off Friday, I wrenched myself out of a Mariana Trench deep sleep, thinking it felt too early. As I grabbed the tablet to silence it I was confused to not see a choice of snooze or stop. Instead I saw that Little Man was calling me on the messenger app we use. It took a moment for the cobwebs to clear enough to answer the call as I glanced at the time. I still had another hour to sleep.

“Mom! I need some help. I put up the Christmas tree but it fell and I fell and I’m afraid to get up and step on broken glass.”

On autopilot I swung my legs off the bed, got up and made him wait while I made a quick pit stop. Once my eyes took in the scene in the living room, a handful of ornaments scattered about, the completely decorated tree lying on top of Little Man, I noticed one of the larger heavy glass ornaments still intact. Phew.

A few feet from the tree, glass from a shattered ball littered the floor. And Little Man was complaining about having landed on his tailbone. This, less than twenty-four hours after sharing that his back was feeling pretty good. He’d wrenched it badly in early October, and more than two months later he was finally out of pain.

The first thing that came to mind was how symbolic of 2020 this scene was. The dumpster fire for so many. Fortunately, not so much for my family. But between the political news and the world dealing with a pandemic and all it’s brought, 2020 wasn’t the year anyone expected.

Despite Little Man being in pain, I made him wait another two minutes while I grabbed my camera to immortalize the symbology of the moment. After getting a few photos, I picked up ornaments that were scattered on the floor. When I grabbed the tree trunk to lift it off Little Man the top section popped off. “Great,” I sarcastically moaned. I’d grabbed it a little too high. After finally lifting the tree a bit, Little Man scooted out from underneath. He sat on the rug until I swept and vacuumed up shards of glass.

Regaling me with what happened, once Little Man had the tree assembled and decorated, he noticed it was tipping to one side. As he righted it, the base disintegrated and the behemoth fell towards our guinea pig’s cage. Diving for the tree so it wouldn’t land on our pet, Little man grabbed it, losing his balance, going down with the tree on top of him.

With the first round of clean up completed, I was exhausted. My energy, although quite low these days, was lower than low, and I wasn’t up for undecorating the tree quite yet. Putting two and two together, I asked Little Man if he’d been up all night – he never gets up before me these days – and he had. Between the defeat of going through all the work to drag boxes and tubs out of our attic crawl space to get at the tree, and assembling and decorating it, only to have it break and crash, and the pain of landing on his tailbone, Little Man’s goose was cooked. He was done.

What surprised me through my tired and foggy head and a body that didn’t want to function, was excitement at the thought of buying a new tree. Yes! After a life well lived, our tree had worn out its usefulness and it was time to let it go.

We both crawled into bed for some much needed sleep, leaving the mess for later.

Later in the day we took each ornament off the tree, sharing some of their origin stories, putting them back in their storage box, finding two more casualties underneath. One was a gingerbread man Little Man had made in elementary school, it’s head mostly decapitated, that I repaired with glue. The other being a thin glass ornament we’d been given years ago by someone who’s no longer in my life as of this past year. How symbolic.

The next day we ventured out to find a new artificial tree. Less than two weeks before Christmas is absolutely not the time to shop for a fake tree. After looking around at a big box store that’s known for having a big selection of Christmas trees and decorations, we struck out. Then we headed to a nearby store a friend recommended. They still had several trees, ranging from traditional looking trees to one sided trees you put against the wall, and all sorts of funky colored and ultra-skinny trees.

As we honed in on more traditional trees and after gagging at the prices, we rounded a corner and saw the perfect tree. It wasn’t pre-lit so we could use our multicolored lights, and it was nice and full. And although it cost considerably more than our old tree, it was still affordable. Plus the assembly was easy peasy! Instead of having to put every branch on the trunk, they were hinged, folding for storage. Sweet!

Asking a nearby store employee where we could find section C-26 to grab a tree, he said they were out, but we could buy the floor model. Without batting an eye, I jumped. The lovely man helped us take it apart, put it in our cart, and helped us pick out a storage bag. Score! Got the last one!

With that, we brought our new and improved, and somewhat larger Christmas tree home. Merry Christmas and happy holidays to you!

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When you think of spirituality or someone who is spiritual, what comes to mind? A monk, nun, or a priest, or some other person of the cloth? Or perhaps a yogi wearing a robe and a turban, who sports long hair and sits in meditation for hours a day? This is certainly one image of spirituality.

But something’s going on in the world. Something undeniable – at least from my perspective and many others. People around the planet are waking up spiritually. Their perception of life is changing. Many are are jumping onto the path of various forms of yoga and meditation, while others are on a healing path. And still others are learning that what’s always been natural and normal for them is their connection to spirit and a sense of inner knowing. They’ve always been “spiritual” and didn’t necessarily recognize it. I’ve always been able to tell when a person is lying or isn’t being authentic just by hearing them speak. Something about the tone of their voice. And I’ve always heard spirit guidance whisper to me quietly in my mind, but I didn’t know this was what it was. And honestly, I blew it off for decades.

With television shows like Montel Williams featuring people like psychic Sylvia Browne back around 2007 and 2008, people en mass were exposed to spiritual abilities like being psychic or being a medium. Today, a dozen years later, the cold reception Sylvia faced by many people is much warmer for the likes of psychics/mediums Allison DuBois, James Van Praagh, Theresa Caputo, Chip Coffey, Lisa Williams, and Tyler Henry. And with the internet and so very many platforms to share live and recorded interviews, many more spiritually talented people are able to put themselves out there to share their abilities with the world.

Not only are people who were born with abilities like clairvoyance and other spiritual abilities putting themselves out there publicly, but many are teaching people to recognize their own natural abilities and to grow them.

Today, anyone with an interest in the unseen world can read books, watch videos online, take classes, buy online courses, and develop their areas of interest. I’m lucky to have a spiritual center within commuting distance where I took several short classes in things like energy, energy healing, clairvoyance, and communicating with spirit.

In my own life, spirituality came to me not because I decided to seek it specifically, but because I was looking for things to help either myself or my son. Spirituality stealthily crept up on me, giving me teasers of experiences that I didn’t necessarily label as spiritual at the time. In fact, I remember coming home from a few hypnosis sessions talking about them like they were what an acid trip must be like. I can think of at least six experiences I had during hypnosis sessions that only years later could I label as spiritual or metaphysical.

Becoming spiritually awake was something that truly caught me by surprise, as can happen. I recently connected briefly with a woman who broke her tailbone, and it acted as the initiation for her Kundalini energy to open wide – which is an exceedingly difficult thing to experience when you have an awareness of what’s going on, never mind when you have no clue what’s happening to you (as was the case for this woman).

For me, my initial “spiritual awakening” was triggered by having a psychic reading almost a decade ago. The psychic became my first spiritual teacher/mentor, and she later told me I was ripe for the awakening. Waking up to the knowledge that there’s more to this world than we can know through our basic five senses happens differently for everyone. In my case, once I had proof positive (through this psychic reading) that there is something beyond this world, something deep within me woke up. It showed up as a burning desire to know everything about energy healing. Before I woke up, I’d been exposed to energy healing, but it wasn’t a huge interest in my life. After the awakening I was completely obsessed. Like a switch had been flipped.

For many, after going through an awakening, spending a lot of time in meditation and finding practices like yoga, qigong, and tai chi, become their path of continued awakening.

Although I’ve done a little yoga from time to time in my life and have done different forms of meditation over the years, my path has gone a bit differently. It’s been one of exploring several types of energy healing modalities until I found the one or two that work best for me: hypnotherapy and guided meditation.

Today, you might pass by a nondescript person walking through the grocery store and decide she’s a middle aged, overweight housewife who’s let herself go because she doesn’t color her hair or wear makeup, and she’s unfashionable and out of shape. You have no clue what’s going on inside her. You might see a man stocking shelves in a Target store and judge him all sorts of ways. And you might see a woman working in a school as an aide, a helper, and because she sometimes fumbles to get just the right word out, you probably judge her. You may actually have just seen a spiritual master or a master in training.

Today, spirituality wears many hats and looks like many things. From the more traditional eastern yogi and contemporary yoga teachers and their students, to the former church minister, near-death experiencer who now holds his weekly “Not Church” sessions online for those who seek spirituality and meaning through his evolved interpretation of religious texts, to the “ordinary” housewife and mother whose healing path led her to spiritual awareness and expansion she not only didn’t specifically seek, but levels of awareness that are lately blowing her mind.

After becoming obsessed with energy healing, studying, learning, and working with healers of all sorts, another major level of awakening completely broke me open in early 2017. It’s hard to explain, but my sense of self and self awareness completely changed during a healing session. It kicked off a process that’s been fueled by Kundalini energy burning and churning in my body every since. And recently, the energy I’ve known as Kundalini is even evolving into its next evolution.

Now I understand the earlier obsession with energy healing, as Kundalini energy’s purpose is to strip away things within us that don’t resonate with Oneness and self-authenticity. To date, my process has been a deep and very intense inner journey that has gradually changed how I see and experience the world. It’s been doing deep inner healing work, sometimes in meditation on my own, and more recently working with healers. It’s been a physical, mental and emotional process of healing lifetimes of fear, anger, grief, and other not so fun emotions. It’s been a process of reclaiming a sense of self that is connected to spirit and intuition. Reclaiming my inner authority, power, grace, and the connection to my higher self with its pipeline to endless creativity, knowledge, and love. Changing me from the inside out.

Today, even though I’m still very much “in process” I walk the world with a very different mindset. Although yes, I do feel the range of emotions we all feel, when I get angry, it usually passes through fairly quickly. A few emotions I really don’t experience these days are things like shame and judgment. Instead of being stuck seeing things one way, I see them through several perspectives. Instead of black and white, there are all sorts of shades of gray. And I acknowledge and honor information and messages I receive through my intuitive connection.

What that looks like in real world terms is having let go of the rest of the pain I carried courtesy of my complicated relationship with my now deceased mentally ill mother. And more recently letting go of not only pain and anger I felt toward another family member whose treatment toward me for much of the first seventeen years of my life was abusive, but having an epiphany that dissolved the desire to continue our relationship any further. Freedom.

For many people who seek spirituality, because the focus is on the unseen world, there can be a disconnect from the physical, here and now world. Some spend hours a day meditating because it feels great to be free and out of the body, using it as an escape. Or they read books upon books of spiritual wisdom without accessing their own inner wisdom.

One of the biggest gifts my latest state of awareness is giving me is the desire to feel human again. To appreciate what it is to be human. Normal (whatever that is). Regular. To reach my new normal full-time. To fully embody myself in the here and now physical world and to have the mental and physical energy to engage fully in life. I just want to feel connected to the feeling of “me” full-time again, because I’ll be honest: this process has been hella difficult and still isn’t a cakewalk.

From where I now sit, whether a person is knowingly spiritual or not really doesn’t matter because all of life is spiritual. Simply perceiving ourselves as physical human beings IS the current experience we’re having. Once we slip out of our bodies and leave them to break down into their elements, our self-awareness will still exist. And it will shift and change again. Big-time.

A universal desire everyone has is to feel good. To have a sense of inner contentedness and to feel safe and secure, valued, and loved. I think when people become spiritual seekers it’s these qualities they’re really looking for. And there are as many paths to get there as there are people in the world.

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Autumn Update

I’ve struggled to write lately, mostly because my mind is still heavily affected by my Kundalini awakening process. A process that is changing how I see and experience my world and the world at large. That said, life goes on.

September brought another year of educating my son at home: we’re going on four and a half years now. And between my struggling every day to function and my son’s various challenges, it hasn’t been an easy road. But we’re walking it the best we can.

He’s getting one on one tutoring for some of his subjects (courtesy of yours truly), while he’s learning other ones through a variety of computer apps and watching educational videos online. The biggest surprise came when Little Man announced that he wanted to learn Japanese. So I hooked him up with Rosetta Stone where he can move through the program without my help.

Having regular healing sessions is helping me move forward in my own inner process, and although working in hypnosis with a spiritual hypnotherapist is my preferred healing modality, because I can release lifetimes of crud in one session, I’m dabbling with a few other more local healers while my hypnotherapist is temporarily unavailable. And I’m very excited to have a session next week with a talented healer who’s new to me.

Where I’d normally be out and about with my camera, looking for fall foliage scenes to capture, still living with low energy has left me looking close to home for photo ops. Instead of grand vistas, I’m focusing closer. Most of our brilliant native colors come from twisty vine maple trees and blueberries. However, the pictures above are actually from some local bushes around a store I frequent.

In the mountains there are lots of wild low blueberry plants that are brilliant red this time of year. One of my favorite picturesque vistas is a hundred times more colorful this time of year. Here’s a shot from a few years back of the nearby Mount Shuksan.

The past ten days were a rare stretch of non-rainy days, and we took advantage of the weather break to get our long neglected woodpile in order. We now have enough wood to take us through the winter, especially considering we use our small wood stove insert mostly when temps drop to freezing and below, or when the power’s out.

Living in the boonies, we lose power a handful of times each winter, and then some. Even though we’ve got a generator so we don’t lose our food, our little wood stove is a Godsend that keeps us warm.

Not much else of note going on other than every other daily news pieces that keep my family and I shaking our heads. Happy belated Autumnal Equinox.

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Trip To The Northeast

This gallery contains 3 photos.

Originally posted on Life Is A Journey… Not A Guided Tour:
Recently, I had a chance to fly from the Northwest to the Northeast and spend a few weeks by the ocean in Maine. This is one of my oldest…

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When I Hit Bottom

Today has been a day of contemplating why we suffer. I know, a little heavy. But stay with me. Ever since I was about twelve or thirteen I had a song that played on repeat in my head, and the lyrics were, “I’m too fat.” Every time I felt like something was wrong, it was wrong with me. I was too fat. And the answer was to go on a diet. I joined my mother in diet after diet: the Mayo Clinic Diet, the grapefruit diet, the count calories for six days and have the seventh as a free day diet, and the diet plan I got from an actual diet doctor my mother took me to when I was about fifteen. If only I were thin and fit everything would be great. What a crock of shit.

I spent my teens, my twenties, and most of my thirties dieting, losing weight, and eventually gaining back all the weight and then some. All in all I’ve lost hundreds of pounds. And found them as well. I spent a lifetime of intermittent suffering that I thought was all about my being fat. Being fat was unacceptable.

In my mid-thirties I left the world of deep-sea shipping, moved across country to be with my sweetie, where I knew no one, and was out of work for the first time in my adult life. I’d hoped to find work in the world of small boating – my first love – but as summer turned into fall I was still out of work.

It was my first ultra dark and dreary winter in the Pacific Northwest, knowing no one, and having no paycheck. It was rough. This was back before the internet. I decided to study for and passed my First Officer ship’s license exams (for a license I knew I’d likely never use), and ate carb after carb after carb. Weight packed on and I briefly contemplated getting gatric bypass surgery. But I knew enough that even surgery wouldn’t stop my cravings. So, I decided to see if hypnosis would help me lose weight and actually keep it off.

The first hypnotherapist I worked with hadn’t had training specific for losing weight, but I had some success working with her, and my first metaphysical experience as well. My sweetie and I decided to join Weight Watchers together and I lost about forty-five pounds fairly easily. Eventually we bought a house, got married, suffered a devastating miscarriage, and had a preemie, each bringing new stressors into my life, and weight began to creep back on. My #1 coping mechanism to help numb my stress has always been food.

Somewhere in the few years between moving to the Pacific Northwest and having a lot of life and stress happen, I tried Weight Watchers a second time and couldn’t stick to the plan for more than a day or two. Something in me screamed “No!!!!” Something deep inside me put on the brakes and nothing I did changed it. I couldn’t diet for one more day.

The coping mechanism that I’d used my entire life, restricting food so I’d drop weight, was gone. I tried and tried and tried again to diet and just couldn’t. I began to gradually gain weight and it felt like it was out of my control. There’s not much worse than feeling like something in your life is beyond your control.

But the success I’d had using hypnosis was something that really worked when it came to eliminating food cravings. At least it worked until major new life stressors came along. It was like magic. Suddenly, I didn’t crave carbs, and I enjoyed going for a walk. It was wonderful while it lasted.

Over the past decade and a half I’ve explored using hypnosis to help me with this weight issue by taking a class learning how to write hypnosis scripts for weight loss, and by working with a handful of different hypnotherapists, and more recently spiritual hypnotherapists – all of whom have been great.

Along the way, I’ve worked with a diet doctor, a nutritionist, Weight Watchers, a therapist, and healers. I know all about nutrition and calories and a lot about the dynamics of overeating, and I’ve learned that my overeating has little to do with food and everything to do with numbing inner discomfort and its being a mechanism to keep pushing me forward in personal evolution.

Trying to force my issue away or deny it didn’t work. It kept popping up over and over. When willpower no longer worked, after years of managing my inner pain through all sorts of external means, I had to try something different. Drastically different.

Without even realizing I was doing it, I began to look within. I began to work with people who helped me change on the inside. I began to look for ways to help myself that were outside the box.

Hitting the wall forced me to try something different. Something very different. And the thing about having walked down a path of healing modalities, finding one in particular that works very well for me, is what I’ve learned along the way.

I’ve learned that as miserable as life can feel at times, the misery and suffering has a purpose, which is to move us. It’s to get us going in a different direction. It’s to present challenges to work our way through, giving us new experiences and opportunities to grow. Opportunities to find new tools. Not everyone chooses to grow, but for many we reach a stopping point when something inside lets us know it’s time to choose a different direction.

And the beauty of going through tough times and making it out the other side is taking your new understanding and being a beacon for someone else who’s going through tough times. Being their shining light, letting them know that yes, they can and will make it through. And things will be ok again. Pain and suffering will eventually dissipate.

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Something I’ve realized over the last decade is that I love to learn. And not just any old thing. I love to learn about what makes people tick. Why they behave the way they do. And my very best teachers have been family members who’ve tried my patience and who’ve hurt me deeply. I know this sounds counter-intuitive but stay with me for a minute.

One of the more profound healings sessions I had about five years ago was an exploration and healing of moments in my young life when I felt disempowered. I lost my power. In hypnosis I was relaxed and asked to focus on the feeling of having my power taken (or something to that effect). When I was solidly connected with the feeling, I was guided to go back in time to the first time I felt this same feeling.

From there, I saw scenes of myself as a toddler wanting to do something and being forced to do something else. I can’t remember specifics at the moment, but it was likely something like being forced to stop playing and attend to something my mother wanted me to do. And later, as a teenager, having things done to me that I didn’t like. My will, my feeling of self-empowerment was broken.

My hypnotherapist walked me through a process of healing these parts of me who held feelings of disempowerment, and by the end of the hour long session I was a different person. It was amazing.

In my family, there were a few people who, because of their own insecurities, felt better when they could control me. Dominate me. With Mom, it was because she was mentally ill and wasn’t medicated until I was almost out of high school. When her mental health was balanced, she was self-confident and was a good mother. Unfortunately, when I was young and developing my own sense of self, mom was all over the place mentally and emotionally; her sense of self plummeted and she’d oscillate between becoming terribly depressed and delusional in mania. In both cases, she was very insecure, and when manic she’d try to bring back a sense of self-empowerment by controlling me: verbally lashing out at me.

Other than Mom, my older brother had issues of his own. The day he discovered feeling powerful by controlling me, he was hooked. Unfortunately for me, we were both very, very young. And try as I might, no matter how much I fought against him or complained to my mother, nothing changed. And unfortunately, as we grew up, his behavior moved from things like wrestling and trying to spit into my mouth when he had me pinned, to things sexual.

The more I protested, felt embarrassed and shameful, yet did my brother’s bidding, the more power he felt. The more power he wielded over me. The more he controlled and dominated me. It was a sick and twisted dynamic. And what most people don’t know is why someone like me didn’t just stand up to him. I did. Over and over again. I resisted and fought, and nothing changed. And once my will was broken, I was broken.

I learned to read people around me. I read my mother’s tone of voice. I read her state of mental health (or lack thereof) and learned how to survive. Either hide or do her bidding. Eventually, as a teenager I began to give back what I got.

The dynamic with my brother was a bit more twisted because as a child, I thought I caused his behavior. I thought I was doing something wrong to cause him to be mean to me, to dominate me. If I were more this way or that way, he’d like me and wouldn’t be mean to me. I kept wanting him to like me, to let me play with him and his friends, to accept me, support and validate me. This is how a child’s mind works.

I was like his little monkey continually jumping for the banana, not realizing that inside the pretty yellow peel was rotten fruit.

The things I saw during healing sessions taught me that when a person has a pattern of dominating another person, it’s because of feeling insecure and impotent inside. Total lack of self-worth and empowerment.

They end up causing in another what they’re feeling.

The Law of Attraction says we attract or create what we energetically emmanate. When powerlessness is our point of attraction, that’s what we create more of. In the case of my brother, in order for him to feel a sense of power, he’d control me and make me do things I didn’t want to do. But I did them because I wasn’t powerful enough to stop him. It was a vicious cycle.

As a young girl I grew up with low self-esteem and self-confidence. Growing up, going out on my own and getting away from my family, I was able to begin to develop a sense of power and confidence in myself. With Mom on medication, that relationship improved. But the wonky power dynamic between my brother and I kept up until I started to work on myself in my late thirties.

Therapy and healing work changed me. Bit by bit I changed on the inside. I met and healed parts of my wounded inner child. I brought back power, self-esteem, and self-confidence. In fact, I brought back so much of my own inner authority that I’ve recently been able to advocate for myself in a very big way.

After my parents died and left my brothers and me two properties, within the first year of joint ownership my older brother began to complain about finances and complain about this and that, regarding one of the properties. After a chat with older brother, he’d calm down and be ok until the next year. Complaints about the same things kept coming up and it got old fast.

Two summers ago, I experienced an inner healing shift so profound that it dissolved any and all desire to continue a relationship with my older brother. I finally no longer wanted what I never had – in the way of a loving and supportive older brother. I was left knowing that our relationship had run its course. I was done. Anger about the past was healed. The desire for him to change disappeared. All longing ache for him to be something he wasn’t, dissolved.

However, as long as we co-owned these properties I’d have to deal with this brother. So I decided to give up part of my inheritance (my share of one property) in exchange for his giving up his share of the property that was always so contentious. And a year ago, I shared my proposal with my brother and his wife. A simple swap that would involve a few signatures.

Long story short, they weren’t onboard with my proposal until I pointed out that I had the legal right to press criminal charges against my brother and sue him in civil court (and likely win). And even if I didn’t address his past in this way, I could blow up his life in other ways simply by telling mutal friends and co-workers about his secret past.

After months of putting my case forward to my brother and his wife; why I needed to separate from him and that it was going to happen my way, we reached an impass. They refused to hear me and tried a number of times to bully and control me, but with my new perspective and sense of empowerment, my boundaries were rock solid. I hired a lawyer.

After just over a year of working to separate myself from the brother who stole my sense of power, a true energy vampire, I’m finally free. Just the other week. We swapped shares of inherited properties and I’ll never have to see or speak to him again.

And THAT is how to take your power back!

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When Normal Is Gone

Ever since Kundalini energy opened in my body like a tap cranked full-on, my life has been altered. Or should I say, my perception of life has been altered. I still live in the same place, pretty much have the same responsibilities, and my family hasn’t changed, other than Little Man growing and moving his way through high school.

For me, Kundalini energy has been like having a hurricane sweep through my house every few weeks, requiring me to purge what’s broken and no longer works. To clean up the muck and dirt, washing, sweeping, and mopping. And to refile reams of papers that have been blown all over. But my house is my body and the papers are my inner world. And it seems like no matter how many times I clean the windows, there’s still a haze of dirt that just won’t come off.

My “normal” is still gone.

As you might expect, constant cleaning up and clearing out, and getting a household back in order is exhausting. The thing is, a lot of Kundalini’s “work” on me tends to happen when my mind isn’t occupied with regular life: when I’m sleeping.

Mornings greet me with a head of fog so thick it would challenge the fog I met in the mountains of North Carolina once. I was driving and couldn’t see the lines on the side of the road and had to pull over. Unfortunately, a cup of strong tea has about as much effect on me as it would on an actual fog bank.

So life is still challenging. Some days I seem to find myself more and more present and functional as the day goes on and I participate in life. I’m not quite sure why the early hours are such a struggle.

The good news is all this cleaning and clearing is changing me from the inside out. My “house” is becoming more pristine and streamlined. And flows with greater and greater ease. Or it will. When I finally pop out the other side of this awakening process, life will feel very different.

The irony is, over the past few months the coronavirus pandemic is forcing everyone to live life differently. It’s come in unwelcomed and is making life hell for so many. It’s forcing changes so many people haven’t been looking for and is pushing everyone to find new ways of living. And it’s put many people into survival mode who previously were doing ok.

It’s also giving us opportunities to change systems that weren’t necessarily working very well anymore. Pushing us to find new ways to do business, to govern, and educate our children. It’s creating massive, very uncomfortable change. And in time, as we figure it all out, what’s rebuilt will be better. What’s rebuilt will work better for more people.

Just like my own personal awakening, it’s a time of great change. When I’m out the other side, I’ll feel better, will have a more positive outlook on life, will have all sorts of energy, and life will flow with greater ease than ever. Until then, normal is gone.

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