Growing up I thought karma was something akin to Santa Claus. If I did good things and behaved well, good things would befall me. And visa versa. Misbehavior meant no presents from Santa. But that’s not how it works.
A few years ago when I was trying to heal some chronic irritation in life using hypnotherapy, being regressed in time I found myself back in early childhood days when my formative beliefs were created. That day the family was getting ready to head out to something like church on a Sunday morning, and my parents needed to get us kids fed and dressed. But I wanted to play.
Being willful during my toddler years, newly discovering that I had some control in my world, I wanted what I wanted and that was that. That morning my father was irritated and when I stood my ground, he got angry, grabbed my upper arm, and ushered me against my will down the hall to the kitchen. There was something about the combination of where I was in my maturation combined with my father getting angry with me that shattered something inside.
I lived in a house where as a sensitive little girl I didn’t do well when people got angry with me. It was overwhelming. At this point in life, my mother and older brother had already proved to be unsafe people by getting angry or being mean to me in some way, and this day my last bastion of safety was gone. The world was no longer a safe place.
During the healing session there needed to be reconciliation, and I got as far as seeing my father trying to apologize to the young version of me, but there was something blocking the process, keeping us from connecting. Calling in spirit to help me, Archangel Michael with all his strength and infinite love showed up, dissolving whatever had ground the process down to a halt.
As Archangel Michael did his thing, I suddenly saw that this dynamic between my father and I existed between my father and his father too, where my grandfather’s actions helped create the belief that the world is not safe for my father. Then I saw my great grandfather show up for my grandfather with the same energetic dynamic between them. And generations back popped into the scene with this same energetic pattern that had been passed down repeatedly, unconsciously.
At this point there was all sorts of healing going on and what had locked this dynamic into generations of the men in my family dissolved, freeing them from this karmic chain of energy. With my little toddler self able to accept Dad’s apology and feel the love again, generations of my family were now free.
Karma is repeated behavior patterns that lock pain and disconnection into generations. It’s done unconsciously for the most part, and it can be healed.
Over the past few years, I’ve been discovering that part of my life’s purpose is healing my inner disconnection/ trauma, and some of what’s been coming up in healing sessions are more of these karmic, energetic patterns that have been passed down through generations.
Back in 2012 during a meditation I saw and healed a pattern of mother-daughter wounding that had been passed down through my maternal lineage. That was the first one I became aware of, and as much as it blew my mind at the time, seeing a second one come down through my father bowled me over almost as much. I figured it was a miracle to see and heal one karmic chain, never mind two.
Well, hang on to your hats folks, because just the other day some more karmic healing went down. But this time instead of the parent/ child relationship, it involved the dynamic of power and domination between me and a member of my soul family. This particular soul has played several different roles over several lifetimes, and we’ve traded off who got to play the part of dominator and victim.
About eight years ago during a past life regression hypnosis session, I saw snippets of one of our lives together. Oddly enough we were both Komodo dragons and I was the one who was dominant. As much as my soul family member tried and tried to best me, they never could. Part of that session was to see what life lesson that particular lifetime held for me, and when death took us both I was shown that we cast off our reptile “costumes” and walked off into the sunset with our arms over the other’s shoulders, best buddies. The thought was, “Well, that was an interesting life.”
I knew that as souls we got along very well, chose what costumes to wear, and decided who’d have the power. I’ve known about another lifetime we shared where this soul played the role of harem owner and I played the role of a girl who was kidnapped and brought into his harem. He wielded all the power. It was a dark life that ended short when I as that girl took my life. I’ve been told that my current life is a do-over from this other lifetime because I wasn’t able to live it out and reach goals I’d hoped for.
Checking out early means changing up some of the parameters and trying again.
So, similar dynamics of power and sexual victimization were agreed to with this same soul, but this time around he’d play the part of my brother. I’ve known this for a while, but healing happens in layers. I can be told something and know it in my head, or see it come up in a healing session and know it in my bones. But healing takes things even further.
A few years ago I experienced a healing moment that freed me of attachment to my brother. I no longer wanted or longed for what I never had in the way of a loving and protective older brother. After a lifetime of wanting my brother’s approval and acceptance and love, things he just wasn’t capable of giving, I was set free. And I thought we were done energetically. But as long as we’re both alive, I’m finding out there’s more.
Because a repressed childhood memory involving me and my brother came up about a month and a half ago, recent healing sessions have been revolving around our relationship again.
Working with a local healer the other day, as she listened to her guides, she brought up the idea of my inner child having a conversation with my brother’s inner child. This was a new one for me (and her) and I was game to see what would come of it.
The healing practitioner voiced my brother’s inner child while I tuned into my inner child. I began by asking him why he’d been so mean to me. Why couldn’t he just love me? My brother’s inner child shrugged his shoulders, looked ashamed and dirty, and said he didn’t know. The healer saw our inner children sitting outside far apart on a few big rocks. She also saw the light in our hearts and that our souls have great love for each other. After the answer from my brother’s inner child, my inner child moved closer to him.
The healer said my inner child needed to ask my brother’s inner child… and she never finished her sentence as she focused on the question. During the moments of quiet, I wondered what my inner child was supposed to ask, and before I could formulate a question my inner child began to speak. She began to apologize and ask for forgiveness.
Both my healer and I were beyond surprised, but I went with it. My inner child realized there were times when she could be a pest toward her brother. Times when she was bored and wanted to play with him and all he wanted was to play with his friends. There were all sorts of fights, bickering, and wrestling, but no one taught them about apologizing and forgiveness. That wasn’t something taught in our home. With a father who worked and was very busy, childcare mostly fell to our mother who was mentally ill, struggling to make it from day to day. She’d been an only child, had no idea how to deal with squabbling kids, and teaching us how to get along wasn’t on the agenda.
At this moment, my inner child apologized and asked for forgiveness not only for what she did when we were young but for her part in hurting him in other lifetimes we’d shared. Lifetimes when she/I was the aggressor. Lifetimes when he was the one who was dominated and hurt. Victimized. She took full responsibility for her actions as the ho’oponopono prayer came to me.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
These phrases repeated over and over in my mind as my heart cracked open wider and wider and tears of release fell. I sensed a picture of our lifetimes without seeing clearly, and it was dissolving, beginning in the past and moving forward in time. The chains that bound us through lifetimes of trading back and forth who’d dominate and who would be victimized were gone.
This karmic dance is done. Taking turns dominating, wielding power over one another, causing each other pain in this way is finished. Lifetimes of revenge and retribution between us are done. The tricky thing is, as long as we’re both alive I never know what else might come up asking to be healed. But I’m ready.