Earth Angels

Late winter and spring have been a time of year for spiritual shifts and epiphanies for me, including my first spiritual awakening in 2011 and a massive shift of consciousness in 2017 that ushered in open Kundalini energy. The past few months have included deep healing relating not only to my young life, but reverberating through many lifetimes. Just when I thought I’d unearthed and healed my entire childhood, more lost memories returned. And with them came the knowledge that I’ve been surrounded by Earth Angels my entire life.

Remembering My Divinity

Still working my way through Kundalini awakening, my hypnotherapist recently guided me into my inner world to have a conversation with my body. But before going into hypnotherapy, I had a psychic reading a few weeks ago that let me know that when I was young and experienced sexual abuse, I blocked a large part of myself off. The psychic said it related to sensual energy, and it was likely impacting my ability to run Kundalini energy. She believed this block explained my feeling out of sorts and tired, so I wanted to investigate and heal whatever came up. And I was curious to know if it affected food cravings that have been an issue for the past few years.

During that same psychic reading, I discovered that my prebirth plan for this life wasn’t the first plan. There was an earlier plan that would have had me born first…

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Happy Easter

Spring is beginning to spring, and today will be a small sharing of photos taken over the past few weeks. Here in the Pacific Northwest, the grass has seen its first mow, and trees and bushes are budding and beginning to bloom. The weather is a mix of blue skies with white puffy clouds and passing showers mixed with sleet and even some large snowflakes one night last week. One of the fun things about April is you never know if you’ll need shorts and sandals or a winter coat and mittens – we’ve got it all.

Our Easter celebration this year will be a quiet one with Hubby at work. With our local Tulip Festival in full swing, the annual street fair is back in full force this weekend, and my plans are to visit the fair before coming home to cook dinner for Little Man. Needing to buy tickets in advance to see our local tulip gardens this year, I haven’t made it over. I usually pop over there spontaneously depending on the weather. But I’ll throw in an older tulip gardens photo because they’re in bloom now.


Trees are blooming.

Harbinger of Spring.

Waxing Moon. Almost full!

Tulip Festival 2016

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Safety in Soul Agreements

I had a psychic reading last week to help give me a new perspective on something about my past. I not only got an interesting new perspective but also was told about a concept that had never occurred to me before: that there’s safety built into our soul agreements. Not necessarily physical safety here in our world, but a sense of spiritual safety. A higher understanding that we’re choosing to go through certain experiences at a soul level with the hopes we’ll grow and evolve.

Every single experience we have in our lives will be examined in the afterlife and mined for gold. The good ones and the bad. If we don’t grow from things while we’re alive, we do after death.

When we’re about to have an interaction with someone that’s not in our soul’s best interest, or something’s happening that wasn’t foreseen during the planning phase before we’re born, our guardians both here on Earth and in spirit jump into action to protect us. Those who’ve read this blog already know I went through some very challenging things in my younger life at the hands of two family members. A bit of this was pre-planned in spirit, but not all of it.

My soul and the soul of my older brother have great love for each other in spirit, yet even in spirit the psychic saw that he carries a tendency to be a bit of a bully. During a past life regression I had several years ago, I saw that despite a contentious relationship during that lifetime, after we died and went back to spirit we were buddies. But I didn’t realize his soul carries a characterization that plays out as the bully repeatedly. Our relationships have been ones where we’ve been rivals in many lifetimes.

Part of our soul agreement before I was born, was for him to do hurtful things to me to set up the challenge of finding love for him again. Or if not love, understanding and acceptance. With all the healing I’ve done and am doing, feeling hurt about the past is pretty much gone. But I never know when something is going to bubble up from my inner world that relates to our relationship – something more to be healed.

The beautiful gift I’ve been given in a handful of psychic readings has been to be shown several times in my life when spirit has stepped in to protect me, keeping me from harm. And one spirit in particular had the task of keeping me safe when I was younger and dating. Keeping me safe from men who wanted to do me harm when it wasn’t an agreement between souls. Either my intuition kicked in and steered me away from them or situations were created to protect me. Boy was my guardian busy when I was in my twenties!

Many people who experience child abuse have life-long trouble with relationships and either never commit to a romantic partnership or go through a lot of break-ups and divorce. But from the first day I caught my husband’s eye and something inside me came alive, I’ve only had eyes for him. And he for me. Our souls agreed to be here for each other. Even though we have our disagreements, we always come back together. That’s an example of safety in our soul agreement. There’s always a part of each of us who knows we chose to be together.

One of the things I learned from the recent psychic reading was that the original soul agreement between me and my older brother included my being born before him. Our mother was pregnant before my older brother, and she lost the pregnancy at about six months along due to a horrific car accident. She nearly died, breaking several bones and requiring life-saving surgery. At the time, my soul had already decided to be incarnated and had begun visiting the fetus inside my mother. But with the death of the fetus, my spirit retreated and plans changed. Instead of keeping the original birth order, my older brother essentially bullied his way to the front of the line and was born before me. I was born second. (I only wish my mother were alive for me to share this with her – that the child she lost wasn’t truly lost. But being in spirit I’m sure she already knows this.)

Changing the birth order created an unexpected ripple effect that according to 2 trusted psychics changed a lot about how my life rolled out. And most significantly, instead of merely butting heads in our relationship or feeling hurt by my brother, things took an unplanned sexual turn. From what I’ve been told, molestation and becoming pregnant wasn’t part of the original plan, which is why I now see how the tight secrecy around it when I was growing up was orchestrated or at least facilitated by spirit. I’ve marveled at how I was able to finish a school year hiding my pregnancy, spending the summer hidden away in a home for unwed mothers while people believed lies concocted. And making it back to school only 3 weeks late with more believable lies keeping my secret until I was ready to tell.

Yes, I carried a lot of shame for decades, and when spirit had an opening, an angel came to me and healed it. My soul chose to be hurt by my brother so it was allowed. I chose to become disempowered by my family so I could find a way to reclaim it – and I have. While things continue to be revealed over years, I can’t help but to think part of this life’s plan that had no wiggle room was to have a spiritual awakening, dive into energy healing, and learn how to help myself.

One of the hardest things to grasp is when our souls choose to take on agreements with other souls putting us through experiences that here in our very human world truly suck. Having someone you love severely hurt or killed by someone. Being abused, cheated on, or abandoned. It’s hard for people to not sink into despair and guilt or to feel like a victim. After all, that’s our natural tendency, and I’ve been there and done that for sure. I lived with hatred and bitterness for decades.

Sitting with a skilled psychic or seeing things for myself using hypnotherapy has made all the difference. Not only seeing things but healing them. Having somatic, felt experiences that allowed me to reclaim lost power and personal boundaries, heal how I feel about my body, and heal all sorts of fears and rage, has transformed my life.

Something else that was recently seen psychically for me was a thread of connection between some of the fallout from the deviated soul plan and my somewhat wonky energy. When Kundalini energy is activated, it essentially comes alive in the body and takes on the task of healing energy blocks and changing the expression of our DNA. For me it’s felt like Kundalini vibrates blocks one by one, pushing them from deep in my subconscious up to the surface where they’re healed either in a healing session or when I’m able to do it myself in contemplation. It’s a process that’s physical, mental, and spiritual.

When I asked the psychic to see what’s been going on with my lack of physical energy for the past few years, she saw that the Kundalini energy isn’t fully flowing; that I’ve got an energetic block from childhood impacting it, distorting it. She saw that yes, energy is flowing up into my body from Earth, but when I experienced childhood trauma I created a block that’s acting like a cork in a bottle to the Kundalini energy, preventing a particular facet of it from freely flowing through my body, up and out of my head, and connecting with the Cosmos. She saw my Kundalini energy as being a bit off-kilter.

The picture below is a simplified diagram of our energy with activated Kundalini energy shown as black and white snakes. The snakes represent masculine and feminine energies that intertwine within us.

Given an idea as to what’s blocked, I’ll be investigating and healing in my upcoming hypnotherapy session. It was a bit bittersweet to find out that sexual abuse wasn’t originally in the cards for me this time around, but I’ve managed to heal from so very much of it.

And the reading was further confirmation that a lost pregnancy doesn’t necessarily mean all is truly lost.

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Feeling Like an Alien

For the past five years I’ve been going through an incredibly intense healing journey prompted by the opening of Kundalini energy in my body. It’s been a process of deeply healing things within me that don’t resonate with Oneness. Healing ‘duality’, or as I’ve been calling it: the human condition.

Because of all this healing I’m able to understand people’s motivations much more deeply than ever before. I’m also not nearly as reactive to things in life because so many emotional triggers have been dissolved. Instead of seeing the world in black and white, right and wrong, there are all sorts of shades of gray. Do I still have a moral compass? Absolutely! But I’m able to hold all sorts of people with compassion who I’ve previously condemned. Don’t get me wrong, feeling compassion for someone doesn’t necessarily mean I want to hang out with them – it means I understand where they’re coming from and don’t hold it against them.

Recently watching an interaction between three people on television, I saw a professional comedian make a spontaneous joke about a woman’s shaved head. While her husband and the audience laughed at the joke, it hit on this particular woman’s tender and raw spot: her hair. What the comedian likely didn’t know was she lives with alopecia, hair loss, and being in a business where a woman’s looks matter greatly, having alopecia has been shameful and embarrassing for her.

The joke wasn’t funny for her. Not at all.

When the husband looked over at his wife and saw she was hurt and angry, his own anger flashed up in her defense.

I recently listened to the first several chapters of the husband’s autobiographical audiobook and know a bit about his abusive inner-city childhood. A place where rage and violence weren’t uncommon. I also watch his wife’s show, Red Table Talk, and have learned a bit about their relationship over the years and what some of their challenges as individuals and as a couple have been. That they’ve both done counseling and therapy, have come a long way, and in the past several years their lives have taken a spiritual turn.

In an emotionally triggered rage (just like he experienced from his father growing up) the husband left his seat, walked onto the stage (because it was a few easy steps away) and open-hand slapped the comedian in defense of his wife, went back to his seat and yelled at the comedian, letting him know in no uncertain terms that his wife wasn’t fodder for his jokes. I can only surmise that being up for one of the highest awards of the night, best actor, had the husband already edgy and nervous.

When people are wound up, sometimes it takes nothing for them to overreact to situations they’d normally handle much better. And this is one of the reasons why some people sabotage themselves in high-pressure situations: all their insecurities come out just at the wrong time.

The comedian, standing on stage in shock, barely knowing what to say, fumbled a few words and moved on the best he could. Because as we all know, the show must go on. Minimal acknowledgment of hurting the actress’s feelings. After all, it was only a joke, right? And who, in their right mind, storms the stage at one of the entertainment industry’s biggest nights of the year? It was just a joke!

What most people don’t know is the comedian was diagnosed in 2020 with a mental condition called Nonverbal Learning Disorder. Finding this out at age 55 answered so many questions for the comedian about why he seemed to have trouble interacting with people from time to time his entire life.

One of the effects of this condition is missing social cues. Not being able to read people, to understand the effects of his actions and words. Because most of the audience laughed, he thought the joke went over well. But he didn’t seem to realize when the butt of the joke wasn’t laughing, it wasn’t a good joke. That’s why a lot of comedians when it comes to poking fun at people, either aim at themselves or people they know will take it well.

And most of the time when a joke doesn’t hit, the effects are usually groans, boos, or a quiet audience. Not being physically slapped. After all, slapping someone is assault, isn’t it? (Unless it’s spanking or swatting your kid or an adult “disciplining” a minor, but I digress).

So while the world of social media is up in arms about the blight on one of the biggest nights of the year in film entertainment, condemning the actions of a man who had the audacity to commit a violent atrocity upon another who was just doing his job, trying to be funny, my heart hurts.

Hurts for all three involved in this exchange. Hurts because people see the world in terms of right and wrong, victim and perpetrator, and they’ll be jumping to claim their side of righteousness today and for as long as the media cycle lets it ride.

Having met my inner child so very many times, getting to know this part of me who carries my anger, pain, sadness, shame, regret, and other negative emotions and helping relieve her of so much of what’s triggered these feelings has given me a perspective most people don’t have. And because I’m still deep in the thick of addressing things that activate my inner child, it’s beyond easy for me to have great compassion for people in their worst moments. When their inner child is crying out to be seen, to feel safe, to feel validated, to matter, and to feel in control.

Situations are no longer black and white but filled with shades of gray. And frankly, when the world is up in arms about something and I feel no inner “trigger” to take sides and react, it makes me feel a little bit strange. But I’m getting used to it. It’s my hope that today’s fervor and uproar will quiet quickly.

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When I was very young I had gut trouble from time to time. It felt like there was a war going on inside me. I can still remember sitting in pain, wishing it away time and time again. And eventually, things inside would shift and the pain would subside.

There was a war of sorts going on. Parts of my body were contracting painfully under pressure. I’m not sure how much of it was caused by things I ate and how much was me – empathically embodying conflict happening around me. I’ve always been keenly attuned to emotions around me, feeling my way through life. And there was a bit of conflict in my home growing up.

I’ve learned that conflict doesn’t have to be life-threatening all the time to affect a person deeply. A few deep jabs here and there. Not being respected, revered, or honored, but being bullied, taken advantage of, and outright abused takes a toll.

Thankfully, healing has made all the difference in my life.

With the recent outbreak of war on the other side of the world, I’ve been remembering healing sessions when diving into things like digestive difficulties and an unhappy gallbladder a few years ago took me into past lives.

I saw myself lying on the battlefield with a spear piercing my right abdomen. The wound eventually became septic as it slowly and painfully took my life. As I looked at my male body to get a sense of the time period, images flashed between a body clothed in animal skins and a body covered with pieces of armor. I’ve died on the battlefield in at least a few other lifetimes, and possibly several.

As I lay dying I remember being angry about dying for a cause I didn’t believe in. Having to fight for a leader I didn’t believe in. It felt like I was either conscripted or forced into fighting. The teaching that day was about authenticity: being authentic to myself. It was about healing lifetimes when I wasn’t able to be true to myself.

We live with the effects of war carried forward by our soul, resonating in our DNA. We recreate it within our bodies and externally in the world. And the only way to stop it is to heal.

Will there be a time when all wars will end and people will peacefully coexist? I truly don’t know. As long as we’re a playground for soul growth, all this war and conflict serves a purpose. But I believe we’re ascending and gradually evolving.

However, right here, right now, I’m sending the energy of love out to the world, while continuing to do what I can do to heal myself.

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Just when I thought winter was over and spring was around the corner, as I was turning in last night it began to snow. It’s the time of year here in the Pacific Northwest when we’ve had unseasonably warm weather in the fifties and sixties that came early, or as in the case last year, when February was a month of snow after snow, abruptly melting when the temps warmed in early March. We’re in for a cold week of overnight temps in the teens and low twenties. So last night’s wet snow that’s turned quite crusty may be with us through the week.

As much as I love snow and cold, crisp weather, I’m ready for milder temps and the change of seasons. This time of year can be a weird limbo of no longer winter but not yet spring.

It’s matched my state of being. A limbo between who I was before Kundalini energy opened in me almost five years ago, and who I’m becoming.

Going through a spiritual awakening a decade ago was a time of learning, exploration, and healing. It was a time when how I felt about myself and the world gradually changed, leaving me looking through eyes of understanding and compassion. I was more understanding and patient with everyone and everything, including my family. They reaped the benefits.

Even though there were a few rough patches in life, as everyone has, I was able to navigate them pretty well.

Since I jumped on the carnival ride of Kundalini awakening, life’s felt overwhelmingly heavy and tough. But the years prior gave me tools to handle it. Walking the walk has been an incredible metaphysical journey while getting a lesson of a lifetime in pain and suffering.

Fortunately, the pinnacle of the shit the most difficult times is behind me.

A recent healing session left me more embodied with Oneness than ever before, as the message that ‘I am every one and I am every thing’ was dumped into my body and mind. Whatever had been keeping this from me dissolved as the gnosis came to me. It felt like remembering something I already knew.

When I was on the healing table soaking this in, it seemed both impossible and ridiculous to know I’m every one and every thing (separating those words on purpose) while knowing I’m a single, unique person. An individual. Yet it’s my truth. I’m all of that.

What surprised me even more than this epiphany was when tears of release soon gave way to giggles and then laughter. Laughter that rolled on and on. (I haven’t had a healing session end in laughter in a long time).

After an almost year-and-a-half hiatus, I’ll be working with a beautiful spiritual hypnotherapist and counselor again who helped me through all of 2019 and a large part of 2020, and I can’t wait. Our sessions together are always magical and we never know what will come up to be healed.

Looking forward to the end of limbo so I can take the reins of life again, each healing session is walking me one step closer.

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Love Is

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Late Winter Musings

February tends to be the time of year when we in the Northwest are tired of the wet and gray of winter, ready for life to spring forth once again. Ready to see more of the sun and more blue skies. And ready for warm breezes again. Ready to see buds and flowers reappear, and ready to get outside without being drizzled upon.

I, personally, am ready to create more inner shifts. Ready to walk myself a step closer to a new normal. I think the world is ready to take another step into a new normal, too. With some things you just can’t go backward. And truly, who’d want to? I’m not really that sort of girl anyway.

The big inner shift that began almost five years ago is still rocking my world a bit, but things are a little more settled out. Just a little. Having a recent healing session with a very intuitive Reiki Master, we chatted as she ran Reiki healing energy and asked if I’d like her to do some sound healing with her crystal bowls and tuning forks. The vibrations of the crystal bowls felt so good as they reverberated through my body, and the tuning forks acted a bit like acupuncture needles, unblocking the flow of energy in my body. I’m actually pretty new to sound healing, but I like it.

Confessing to my practitioner that I’m really over all this constant change I’ve been going through (it’s exhausting and I don’t really have much control over it), and would like to feel more like myself again, she tuned into my inner child, whose thoughts I was echoing. The younger version of myself stood defiantly with her arms crossed across her chest with an impatient sourpuss’s face. Yup. You know the mood. It’s been simmering in the background for a while now. And with the pandemic’s progress, my inner child seems to be echoing the mood of the entire country. So done with it. The Reiki quiets this voice.

When my practitioner picks up on intuitive information, she lets me know. Usually, she’s not telling me anything I don’t already know at some level, but she provides clarity, validation, and gets little glimpses into the near future. She talked about upcoming changes in my healing journey – peeling away another big layer. She sees it happening either this or next month. Hopefully, something that will feel significant.

As she mentioned it I remembered that my first big awakening happened just over a decade ago in early March. A few years later I connected with the hypnotherapist who would help jet-propel my healing journey – also in March. And the current rocket-fueled trajectory I seem to be on kicked off in late Feb and early March.

Apparently, we each have a time of year when big change happens more easily. I suppose an astrologist would see this in my chart. And for me, it seems to be very late winter, just before spring. I’m looking forward to whatever comes!

While I wait, one of the things I haven’t done in a few years is growing fragrant bulbs inside. When I grew up, my mom almost always had paperwhite narcissus bulbs sitting in the bay window around this time of year. They’d sit atop white gravel, shoot up their greens, and bloom into the most fragrant white blossoms. Inspired by a few bulbs I’ve seen for sale locally, I ordered some paperwhite narcissus and blue hyacinths. But instead of using a shallow pot or bowl like Mom would use, I’m going to grab a few of my wide mouth quart canning jars and fill the bottom few inches with gravel, topping them off with a few bulbs. This way, when the stems grow tall and want to tip over, they’ll be supported by the jar. And my house will smell like heaven!

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A Spiritual Perspective of Evil

I grew up being taught that evil is something really bad. The worst, in fact. To be evil was the worst possible thing a person could be. It meant they had no conscience, hurt people indiscriminately, were totally selfish, and when they died they’d end up in hell for eternity. Pretty heavy stuff.

A few years ago I worked regularly with a spiritual hypnotherapist who helped me get in touch with my inner world to facilitate walking me through this Kundalini awakening. When I was in the middle of the difficult task of separating from my older brother so we’d no longer share legal obligations, I had been really weak and tired and had a chronically foggy and fuzzy head for too long. (Just to be sure it was part of my awakening process and not an illness, I checked in with my doctor and there was nothing physically wrong). With my patience for my ever procrastinating brother gone, I wanted to see if I could shift my energy from the inside out. I needed to function and feel better.

During the healing session, when I looked into the feelings of exhaustion and fogginess, a young voice spoke up. About four years old, she was very scared and overwhelmed by life. She saw a spinning tornado of wonky energy and was scared saying, “Help me. I can’t do this alone.” She kept saying life was too hard and she wanted to go back to the other side where things were easier. She wished she hadn’t incarnated. She felt quite alone and overwhelmed.

Pretty soon another voice came through. One that sounded demonic. It kept telling the little girl that life is supposed to be hard. It felt menacing and evil. It felt like it was pushing the little girl. My hypnotherapist had me contain the voice using a screen, like a movie screen, to put some distance between us.

Once the voice was contained within the screen, higher wisdom began to flow through me.

“That demonic voice is the voice of crazy, and its purpose is so I won’t trust myself. Its purpose is to fuck me up in the head – and it’s laughing and saying it’s been doing a really good job. It’s just laughing and laughing because it knows as long as we don’t trust ourselves, we’re miserable… and spinning, chasing our tails. Lack of trust is evil.”

When we talk about evil, that’s the core of it. It’s not trusting ourselves… not being connected to our core essence. And all of the stuff that comes out of that is what we call evil.

Once all that came out, all that was left was helping the four-year-old in me trust herself again, but how? I learned a few years before this, during another healing session, that it’s not my job to know how to do things like this. They happen by magic, and that’s where my spirit team comes in. That day, Archangel Michael made an appearance and created magic.

Once my inner child was happy and reconnected with me, my hypnotherapist asked a few more questions about feeling so tired and foggy-headed, and my higher self let me know I was past the worst of things, and I’m going through a finite process that won’t last forever.

Yes, I’m still not myself yet, but very gradually making my way there. And in the meanwhile, having spiritual perspectives not only come to me but embodying them changes the way I see the world.

Knowing that when someone appears evil, the truth is they’ve lost their sense of core trust in themselves as loving beings, I find it easier to handle atrocities in the world. It doesn’t mean I like them or condone them in the least. And I have zero interest in getting close to someone like that. But evil doesn’t stop me in my tracks. The inside of an evil person is a young child who is absolutely terrified and completely disempowered.

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Revisiting Old Wounds

Almost a decade and a half ago, during a hypnosis session geared at helping me gain control over my weight, I had a metaphysical experience where an angel enveloped me and healed me of shame. It was incredibly transformational, relieving me of a burden I wasn’t even aware of. In the years to follow, I’d have an inner awakening where the calling to learn about energy healing exploded out of me.

A few years into this spiritual awakening, having previously discovered the transformational power of hypnotherapy, when I met a woman whose practice combined her years of experience as a therapist with hypnosis techniques and elements of spirituality, I had to give it a try. Little did I know, but the four years we worked together would transform me in ways I wouldn’t believe possible.

As I continued to address stress and frustrations that drove me to eat when I wasn’t hungry, there were also sessions on things like body image, self-empowerment, and personal boundaries. It didn’t take very many sessions to create profound inner change.

These days I don’t feel ashamed of myself and when things go wrong, there’s no immediate inner impulse to blame myself. Because these emotional triggers have been healed, I don’t feel these feelings about other folks either. However, before discovering healing work, I lived with a heavy mantle of shame and blamed myself for bad things that happened in my life.

When I dug into all sorts of discomfort in hypnotherapy sessions, I discovered that roots of present-day frustration, anger, boredom, judgment, and more went back to having been mistreated by a few family members. One of the reasons I’ve had body image issues since puberty was having a mother who was always dissatisfied with her body. She was always on a diet, and as soon as puberty hit and I started to get curvy and put on some weight I labeled myself as fat and jumped on the diet bandwagon too. Having two brothers who were were all skin and bones, I stuck out like a sore thumb. What makes me sad is seeing pictures of myself when I was a preteen and a teenager I was never heavy.

Not only did I deem myself too fat, but when I became pregnant as a result of my brother constantly molesting me, my fourteen-year-old body hadn’t even finished developing. When I was hidden shamefully away to spend the last few months of my pregnancy behind a wall – a home for unwed mothers surrounded by a tall brick wall – I remember the other girls saying I didn’t even look pregnant when I arrived. But during my last 4-6 weeks of pregnancy, my belly finally swelled greatly as the baby grew and her feet pushed up into my ribs. Not only did my belly swell, but I developed wide stretch marks on my sides as my skin tried to keep up with the growth.

After I gave birth to my daughter and gave her up for adoption, I lost weight and went on with my life, keeping the shameful secret I was forbidden to ever discuss, except to the psychiatrist I was sent to after my daughter was born. The months of therapy were supposed to straighten me out I guess. What I wouldn’t remember until I was 56 years old was part of the reason I blamed myself for being molested was because the psychiatrist treated me with the assumption I had been complicit in the sex. I was absolutely not. The other part of why I blamed myself for having been molested was as much as I tried, I couldn’t stop it. My brain reasoned that if I couldn’t stop it, then it must have been my fault.

Going through my teenage years with massive stretch marks on my sides meant I couldn’t wear a two-piece bathing suit. And a belly that had been so overstretched never again laid flat enough for me to feel comfortable in some clothing I would have liked to wear. My once perky breasts sagged and were never pretty like all the models I saw in magazines. I was very self-conscious about my body. And especially self-conscious about the stretch marks until I was grown and had my son.

Publically having a baby later in life gave me license to have stretch marks and saggy breasts. But doing all the healing work took away all sorts of shame and disdain for myself. Which is why I was so surprised in a recent massage to have issues of body image bubble up and become healed yet again.

With Kundalini energy quite active in my body, it’s made me unusually sensitive and shifts to my consciousness – healing things deep inside – have been happening somewhat spontaneously during massages.

When my massage therapist works on muscles on my torso by placing her hands on my side and gently pulling across my body, I usually don’t think twice and merely relax into the pulling and stretching. But for some reason, I became unusually aware of the stretch marks and kept thinking about them as she put her hands right on them, repeating the massage technique several times.

With my focus drawn to this area of my body, I suddenly became a bit emotional as memories of feeling so self-conscious came back to me. Allowing a few tears to run down my face, I told my practitioner about how for so many years I’d felt so much shame because of the stretch marks, and carried so much blame for having been molested and impregnated. As I talked about it, more emotions and tears came to the surface along with two words that played over and over: shame and blame. Shame and blame. Whatever had been holding these feelings hostage in my torso finally let go as they surfaced like a balloon that had been held underwater for years.

Shame and blame I hadn’t known were still with me shifted and released with a bubble of emotion, and after I settle down, I relaxed back into the rest of the massage.

Reflecting upon what came up to be healed, because I’ve felt so secure and confident in my body image for a few years, I can only conclude that I’ve been resonating with someone beyond myself, and very likely with the collective. After all, what’s the number one New Year’s resolution? To lose weight and get in shape. So it’s no surprise that with such a high collective vibe around poor body image, something along these lines would come up again for yet deeper healing.

Vibrating at a level of Oneness means I’m healing at a collective level these days. Things I healed and were a thing of the past are still healed at the individual level, but they’re fair game to be healed anew. And as each issue rises up and becomes healed I’m changed once again.

Posted in Holistic Healing, Kundalini, Spirituality, The Voyage | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments