Holding On

Here we go again, so I thought.
My baby isn’t feeling well.
His tummy hurts.
His body is unhappy.

And again.
And again.

What’s going on?
Why doesn’t he get better?
He doesn’t seem really sick
But he’s in pain.

Still.
Still.

What’s going on?
He is in pain
And I can’t stop it.
I can’t help him.

I’m failing my baby.
I’m a failure as a mother.

Finally.
Finally he tells me.
He tells me it’s anxiety
And panic attacks.

He finally told me.
He doesn’t have the vocabulary
To tell me that his heart is broken.
Broken by a system that
I’ve been forcing him to participate in.

Because I though it was
For his highest good.

I thought he needed to
learn to fit in,
to be able to mold himself
to a system that crushed him.

We forced him
To try to be
Something he’s not.
And it’s crushed him.

He’s hard-wired
Straight to God.

Demanding him to do
When he can’t
And punishing him for
Things he didn’t do
Has crushed his spirit.

I’m losing him.
I’ve lost him.

To anxiety and panic attacks.

♦               ♦               ♦

But I’m one
Persistent mo-fo!

I don’t give up easily.
That boy has too many
Important things to
Contribute to this world.

copyright mariner2mother

I will no longer
Pound my star-shaped son
Into a square hole.
To please anyone.

He isn’t like so many others.
He isn’t neuro-typical.
And I can’t handle him the way
Other people handle their kids.

He’s special.
He’s hard-wired to God.

And because of his neurology
He’s not as flexible
And adaptable to the
Disconnections of society.

He can’t handle threats
And conditional acceptance.
He requires authenticity
And reassurance

That he is ok.
That he is amazing.

He is here to teach.
To teach me and the world
How to be our true
Authentic selves.

He is heart on two legs.
He is Christ Consciousness personified.
And so am I.
And together, we will

Make it.
All we have to do is
Hold on.