Bring On The Shift!

A few posts ago, I was having a very difficult Mother’s Day. It had come at the end of a week when Little Man’s anxiety had caused him to miss some school. The week after Mother’s Day brought a few more days of high anxiety, and Little Man missed more school.

Because of crucial, time-sensitive testing that had to be completed with Little Man, I had to get him to school two weeks ago on Friday. As I picked up homework for Little Man, I told his Special Ed. teacher that I’d do whatever I had to do to get him to school for this testing. I promised I’d have him there, even if he was catatonic.

On my way out, Little Man’s teacher stuck her head into the hallway and made a comment about how she can deal with a sick husband, occasionally have to take him to the hospital, and she still manages to get to school to do her job. In that moment, I almost jumped down her throat. I told her that she doesn’t have a brain that basically betrays her. And, of course, after I left the school I became livid that she had the gall to compare herself, a grown adult with a “neurotypical” brain, to my son who is 12 and whose brain is absolutely NOT neurotypical. How the fuck dare she! She obviously thinks that anxiety and panic attacks are not real.

To put the cherry on top of the sundae, when I was leaving the classroom building, the school counselor, who really doesn’t know Little Man’s situation, but loves to stick her nose into people’s business, decided she knew what was best for my kid when I told her I was having a tough day dealing with his anxiety (and school). By the time she got done with me, she made sure I knew that if we didn’t get this child on medication, his anxiety would only get worse over time. So I’d better get on it as soon as possible. I told her about his horrible experience doing a medication trial for ADHD drugs, but she apparently knows more about my son than I do.

The next morning, Friday, Little Man had a grade A, first class panic attack. I told him over and over that he had to go to school, at least long enough to do testing, and I hated to force him, but it had to happen. The poor kid’s stomach was in knots, and by the time I pushed him to get dressed, to put shoes on, to get outside and into the car, he was a crying mess and thought he was going to pass out. (I secretly wished he’d pass out in the hallway outside of his classroom so his teacher would understand just how real anxiety can be). I dragged him out of the car and walked him to class, where he was barely able to function. Doing what I did to get him there went against every fiber of my being, and by the time I got back to my car I was a quivering mess of tears. It rocked me to my core. I got the call 3 1/2 hours later to pick him up. He’d made it through the testing.

Note Little Man wrote a few years back when his anxiety was at full tilt. He felt sick and really wanted to stay home.

Note Little Man wrote a few years back when his anxiety was at full tilt. He felt sick and really wanted to stay home.

A lot of times, I rely on energy healers because they address unseen causes for all sorts of ills (beautifully described by Caroline Myss on her DVD, The Energetics of Healing – search for clips on YouTube). I also call on psychics for advice because they can see the reality of what’s going on. They can see past the exterior situation, into the energies that are generating whatever is happening. Clairvoyance literally means clear seeing: seeing what’s really happening. (By the way, absolutely anyone can develop their clairvoyance with training).

The night before that terrible Friday morning, I had gotten in touch with a man who has an amazing natural ability to heal people. He can touch them, talk with them, or use his intention over a distance, to create physical, emotional, or spiritual healing. I asked this man if he would send Little Man a healing, which he did Thursday night while the boy slept. When Friday morning arrived and Little Man had the panic attack, I was a little bit surprised, but I also know that it can take a number of days to see change after receiving healing energy.

Something I noticed, looking back, is that things started to shift by Saturday. I firmly believe that the healing energy that was sent Thursday night started to kick in. Little Man was in great spirits because it was a weekend and he was going to play with a buddy. But for me things also started to shift in a good way. I went to a local holistic fair and had a very helpful reading from a trusted local psychic I know. When I asked her to look at the energetic dynamic between Little Man and his teacher, she saw right away what was going on. Having this knowledge changed everything.

Little Man is empathic. Everyone understands that having empathy for someone means you can imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes. Being an empath is literally feeling other people’s emotions (and sometimes their physical pain). Little Man picks up on everyone’s feelings around him. Because he’s young, he has not developed any filters. He often doesn’t know when he feels feelings if they are his or someone else’s; they often feel like they belong to him, especially in a crowded room that he’s been in for a while.

One of Little Man’s motivators is that because he can feel other people’s feelings, he wants everyone to be happy. With regards to his teacher, he wants to please her, wants her to be happy. She likes to dangle the reward carrot in front of her students to get them to perform. With Little Man, all he needs is praise and he’ll jump for the moon.

What I learned from the clairvoyant reading is that there is a soul contract between Little Man and his teacher. They have shared past lives together and in spirit, decided to come together as teacher and student to give them both opportunities for soul growth and expansion. One thing I now see quite clearly, is that the soul likes to set up situations that are uncomfortable and even painful, to get us to have opportunities to grow. In this case, it’s been the exacerbation of Little Man’s anxiety. I believe the lesson here is to help this kid learn about and learn how to manage his own personal energy.

The reading also let me know that his teacher has a bucket load of personal baggage that she carries around, including a deep need to be perfect that shows up in her work as a teacher, and as a spouse to a chronically ill husband. She’s not working on healing her load of crap because you can’t heal what you don’t even acknowledge. What happens is, when she’s not a “perfect” teacher (however she defines this) she gets all wound up and gets anxious and panicky inside. When she’s had to take her husband to the hospital (where he’s had to stay) and has been up half the night, she martyrs herself by coming in and teaching, when she should be with her husband. And with new and significantly more state testing this year, all of the teachers and administration have been unusually stressed out. Little Man picks up on it and doesn’t recognize the energy as coming from outside of him. When Little Man is home and thinks about going to school, what comes up for him is panic and anxiety.

In seeing the truth of what’s been going on, I immediately felt a shift in my world. Once I know what’s driving what I’m seeing, it gives me something to work with. So, what to do.

One thing the psychic told me was that Little Man is a natural healer. And that when his teacher starts getting wound up, Little Man can stealthfully shoot healing balls of white light out of the palms of his hands at his teacher, sort of like Iron Man. But instead of destroying stuff, he’s healing her. Doing things like this give Little Man power in the situation, and help his teacher, which actually helps him.

From Google Images

From Google Images

Since that weekend, Little Man has been getting better and better. He hasn’t missed any school, and even went to school a few days ago with a mild headache. Previously, it would have rolled into a full-blown panic attack. I stayed home, waiting for the call to pick him up that never came. He later told me his headache went away by lunchtime.

I’ve done a few more things to support Little Man and to help shift his energetic relationship with his teacher, that I’ll write about in my next post. I’ll also share some very positive shifts and synchronicities I experienced.

These days I recognize that healing energy can create all sorts of effects, including release of physical and emotional pain, the occurrence of synchronicities, and just noticing that things seem to be going better in life in general.

Posted in Holistic Healing, Sensory Processing Disorder, Spirituality, The Voyage | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Being An Alchemist: Healing

Lately, I’ve come to think of healing work as alchemy. Turning the lead of old beliefs and old energies into the sparking gold of higher possibilities, wellness and internal peace. I’m discovering as I clean up the internal crud from my past, the tarnish is falling away, allowing my brilliance to emerge. The sparkly, shiny, being that I am at my core, is being allowed to show up more and more.

I’m back at work, doing a short series of (4) hypnotherapy sessions again. The wonderful hypnotherapist I’ve been using since 2013 calls her style of hypnosis, “soul directed” hypnotherapy. What I particularly love about her style is that she blends her years as a traditional therapist, with her spiritual training and hypnotherapy. For me, it’s a powerful process of alchemy.

A few weeks ago when I sat with her, I was concerned about a feeling that I was using food to avoid or to medicate. Knowing that I had indeed healed my lifelong food addiction about a year ago, this was confusing for me. Here was this uncomfortable feeling that would pop up. I couldn’t figure out what it was, where it was coming from, or what it was about. The only thing I knew was I was starting to use food again as my drug of choice to quiet this feeling.

As my hypnotherapist began the session, she took her time getting me good and relaxed. Because it had been about a year since we’d worked together, I was a little bit nervous, and my monkey mind chattered away. I finally told myself to chill out, shut the hell up, to relax, go with it and most importantly, to trust the process.

When she felt I was sufficiently relaxed and focused, I was told to see a ball of white light over my head, shining down on me. A ball of intelligent and healing light. I choose to see this as the energy that I know as God. Some people call it Source or other names. I was also told to see a guide come forth from this light; a guide that would help me through the process.

I was surprised to see the guide that came forth was completely gold and had the silhouette of a woman. In that moment, I knew she was an aspect of me. She was very loving, healing and is the part of me that is directly connected to Source, to God. Next, I was asked to bring up the uncomfortable feeling that had been bothering me.

It came up without too much coaxing, and with it came the thought “raging monster.” Raging monster!? What was that about? In another instant, I knew. It all came flooding in. I was very little, my mother was the raging monster, and I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to disappear. I didn’t want to exist. It was not safe, it was not ok to exist.

Once that came forth into my conscious mind, I had the instant perspective, looking at the scene, it was just that my mother who was sick, who was not able to cope with me. She was not able to deal with me. And once Little Me recognized that was going on, she started to feel ok about herself because she realized it was not about her. It was about my mom and her not being well. In that moment, Little Me got happy, bubbly, sparkly, shiny. She knew she was cute. She was this perfect little being that popped in from God. A beautiful little soul, and she knew it. God, she knew it. She had the mindset of: it’s ok mom, I understand now. You had a job to do, and your job was to basically be a raving bitch towards me. Job’s done. It’s over now. I’m moving on.

I also understand that your being a raving bitch was passed down to you through several generations. With guidance from an intuitive, a few years ago, I was able to see that karmic chain and facilitate it’s being healed. I stopped that bitch dead in its tracks. What’s awesome is when this was done, I saw the changes in my mother; both physical and emotional. She never verbally assaulted me for the rest of her life after that healing.

Next, I was direct to speak to Little Me. As I was asked questions, I noticed that Little Me was progressing in age. Pretty soon I appeared to me in my early 20’s and wearing a woman’s warrior outfit: Zena warrior princess came to mind. I saw myself carrying a shield and sword or spear, feeling very strong, solid, and self-confident.

 

Image from Google Images

Image from Google Images

Then I was brought up to present time, in my present body at my current age. I saw myself standing, and in place of my legs were two tree trunks that were really thick and solid. They went down into the ground very deep and connected with Mother Earth very strongly, and I felt so solid that nothing could knock me over. Everyone could have their tantrums around me; they could have their little tornadoes of shit around me. They could do whatever the hell they needed to do around me. Nothing was going to knock me down. Nothing was even going to make me flinch. I was really grounded, really solid, really confident. It felt awesome.

What was fascinating to me was realizing that the feelings of not being ok and not wanting to be here (in a physical body), were ones that had visited me several times of the past 4 months. I now knew what they were about, where they came from, and that they were instantly changed, transmuted, shifted. And it happened in a moment. That’s how alchemy works: in a flash of insight.

Finally, my hypnotherapist asked me about connecting to the guide, this divine healing, wisdom aspect of me, about how to do it again. The Golden Me walked over to me, touched her forehead to my forehead, and we looked deeply into each other’s eyes. She said, “Just remember, when you want to connect, just look deep into my eyes, because the eyes are the window to the soul. Remember that and trust it. Remember, trust, and just connect.” She said look deep in my eyes and remember she is always there, is a part of me; always was and always will be. And it’s that part that is directly connected to God. This is how I can connect and receive God’s wisdom anytime I need it.

So powerful to know that we all have this connection inside us to all the answers we need. We can all connect to God, the Divine, Source, the Universe, or whatever you choose to call the creation energy that made us, loves us unconditionally, and supports us throughout our lives.

Do you have a favorite way to connect to God? Is there a special place you go to, or a particular ritual that helps you get there?

Posted in Holistic Healing, Hypnosis, Spirituality, The Voyage | Tagged , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

The Minefield of Mother’s Day

mariner2mother:

Today I am introducing you to my other blog. The one I’ve kept secret. Today I choose to no longer keep that secret. And because I’ve been digging in again, working on healing childhood wounds, Mother’s Day this year has been particularly hard and painful. I’m finding that the more I write about my feelings and talk about them, the more easily they pass through. And I’m feeling much better than I did even 2 hours ago when I wrote this piece. Thank you all for coming along for the ride that has been my life, and the journey that is my healing.

growing from manure

Originally posted on Persephone's Epiphany:

So here it is: Mother’s Day. No one in my house has wished me a happy Mother’s Day. No one even remembers it’s Mother’s Day. As much as I love my husband, he doesn’t remember days like this without big reminders. I’m feeling like it’s not my job to remind him today. And my son is pretty oblivious to anything today but his own needs.

You see, the commercial Mother’s Day is filled with images of a loving and doting mother who cherishes her children. They show her being put together, able to handle anything thrown her way, and having children who are wired “normally.” They show image of happy families honoring their matriarch; the mother and grandmother.

What they don’t show are all the mothers out there who are damaged. The mothers who were abused, who are emotionally unstable, or who are mentally ill. Both my (now deceased) mother…

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Happy Mother’s Day to My Son

Dearest Little Man,

Today I am wishing you a happy Mother’s Day because your being in my life has made me a mother. Because of you, I have entered into the sisterhood that comes from raising a child, no matter how the child comes into your life. You happened to have entered my life through my body, but not all children come to their mothers that way. I’ve entered the sisterhood of soothing a cranky baby, dealing with years of dirty diapers, watching you sleep, and being amazed by you over and over.

As I grew up, being one of three kids, and being a girl raised in the mid 60’s, I expected to grow up and have my own children. I expected a lot of things, many of which did not happen as I naively planned. I expected to have 2 or 3 kids. I never contemplated that any of them would have an “issues” other than getting whiny when they were tired, or hormonal when they hit teenage years. You know, regular stuff. I also never expected to have my child when I was almost 40. Back when I was a teenager (way back in the dark ages), if you weren’t married by 30 or 35, you were probably never going to be married or have kids. Thank goodness times changed! Having you and only you has taught me to stop expecting how my life is going to go.

When I found out I was pregnant with you I was so happy sunbeams shined out my face (at least until morning sickness that lasted all day, kicked in). The day you decided to be born and have your first helicopter ride was a little scary for me and Daddy. But as soon as you squeaked while trying to take your first breath, a calm came over me and I knew you would be just fine. And you were.

Your first few years with me were especially challenging because I was not the best me I could be, and when I looked to my doctor for answers, she basically blew me off. It took several years longer than it should have, but I’m finally much better, and a better Mom because of it.

As a toddler you were nicknamed Motorboy for good reason: from the moment you woke up until you finally let yourself fall asleep at night, you were go, go, go! And there were a number of nights when your internal clock thought 2:30am was time to go, go, go! I definitely don’t miss those times. You were one of the cutest toddlers I know, and I don’t say that just because I’m your Mom.

Little Man in the sink with dino

boy on tricycle

You taught me a lot during your first 10 years! I learned about diapers, expectations, and developmental delays. We went to many therapy sessions to help you catch up to your buddies. I’m sorry that sometimes you didn’t like it; but you hung in as long as you could. And you were the primary catalyst in my life that helped bring change for me. Because of wanting to help you, I ended up having a spiritual awakening. I never saw that coming. Never. And I thank you so much for being that spark.

Just a reminder, do you make the biggest changes in your life when everything is smooth sailing and everything is hunky dory? Hell no. The biggest impetus for change is pain or discomfort; the bigger the discomfort in your life, the more you tend to look to change things.

That said, between the challenging times, I’ve had a lot of fun playing with you and photographing you. I learned a lot about action photography, especially when you were younger. Fast shutter speed, lots of light, and take lots of shots.

flying

water splash

And when you were really little, catching you in the moment was my favorite thing to do. I never told you to “say cheese” and I never tried to pose you. Taking photos in natural light with no flash is a great way to capture those candid moments.  I love this shot of you gazing out our big window, especially because, at that age and stage I never saw you just look and contemplate anything. You must have been tired.

gazing out the window

There are many reasons we decide to bring children into our lives. We want to pass on our genes, our traditions, a bit of ourselves. We want to fulfill society’s expectations. We want someone to love us. We want someone to take care of us in our old age. We want to look at a little version of ourselves and see part of us carried on. These are some of the reasons I’ve picked up on, over the years.

But with my newer knowledge about life and how this all works, I now believe that we bring children into our lives because we’ve made agreements with their souls before we were even born, for them to come into our lives. With that, whether they come to us through our bodies or not, makes no difference. I can just see the meeting that went down with Little Man’s and my soul.

Me: Hey, how about I be your mom this time around. After all, you were my mom that other time. And this lifetime I’ve decided that I want a female body in order to work out a bunch of other stuff.

LM: Sounds good to me. How about I be a boy and have my brain wired for the future, so I’ll be set up for a lot of challenges right from the get go? I think I want to step into that human 2.0 body that more and more of is coming in. You know, the one with so much energy that the body can’t really handle it all, and the wiring in the brain is different. Just to keep it interesting, I want to stay connected to this realm more than most. I think I’d like to work on learning how to maintain my energetic boundaries, so I need to have a setup where I have basically no personal or energetic boundaries. And having you as my Mom will give me a good shot at getting that lesson down. And, of course, I’d like to work on balancing some karmic imbalance. After all, that’s a big reason for picking earth and a human body this incarnation.

Me: Works for me. I’m going to tackle some big karmic imbalance stuff too. In order for a bunch of other things to work out, let’s have you come into my life later on; so if I should happen to get pregnant earlier on and your soul wants to pop in for a quickie visit, only to decide to leave until years later, that would be a good plan. Oh, and let’s make sure that once you arrive, my life is sufficiently uncomfortable,(but I’ll also have resources), so things get set up for me to have a spiritual awakening; after all, I’ve also got an agreement going with other soul friends who have agreed to come into my life to help catalyze my “waking up.”

LM: It’s sure going to be an interesting life this time around. I wonder how it will end up playing out. Good thing we are some bad-ass mofo’s!

Me: I hear ya there! We are some tough mama-jama’s!!

You’ve grown from a baby to a toddler, to a little boy, to a big boy, and now into an almost teenager. I can’t even begin to imagine what the next several years are going to bring.

Happy Mother’s Day (not so) Little Man!

Posted in Sensory Processing Disorder, Spirituality, The Voyage | Tagged , , , , , , | 14 Comments

Seeking Serenity Now

Do you ever have those days where everything you write that you thought was poignant, potentially eloquent, or was at least very important, ended up sounding more like a rant? No? I don’t believe you.

As for me, today’s blog post was supposed to be about something that is near and dear to my heart, but it didn’t go where I wanted it to go. It was more like a 4 month old black lab off leash chasing after ducks. After taking a quick writing break to check Facebook, I got into even more trouble over there. As soon as I realized that I wanted to reach into my computer and choke the stupid out of someone, it became evident that I needed to chill out, to cool down, to seek serenity… now!

Then I remembered the moon jellyfish exhibit at the Seattle Aquarium that I saw yesterday. It is completely mesmerizing! I could have stood there for hours watching these mostly clear jellyfish going around and around their doughnut shaped tank. As they passed a light that changed colors, the jellyfish would glow with each color, refracting blue, green, red, and violet. Their continual rhythmic pulsing entrained me to slow down.

Please enjoy jellyfish photos from the Seattle Aquarium, and a short video. The music on the video is Steven Halpern’s Comfort Zone (an amazingly relaxing album!).

Seattle Aquarium

Seattle Aquarium

Click on any photo to open it to full size. From there you can scroll through all of the photos in that gallery.

Enjoy this short video. (Please remember I am not a videographer).

 

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Tulip-A-Palooza!

It’s that time of year folks! Tulip time. In the county where I live, we have a tulip festival that runs the entire month of April. That said, the blooms happen according to Mother Nature’s schedule. This year, spring came a good 3 weeks early to our area. And the blooms were about 2+ weeks early. As I write this, the festival is coming to a close, although the blooms finished their triumphant displays over a week ago. Enjoy!

Just a quick note: click on any photo and it will open the entire photo. You will also be able to click on left or right arrows to scroll through all of the photos in that gallery. There is an “X” at the top, left to close the gallery.

Here is a local display garden, where they plant about 300,000 bulbs every year. In the fall, all the bulbs are dug up and new ones are planted for next spring. They do a wonderful job.

Here are individual types of blooms highlighted.

Finally, here are photos of fields of tulips.

Which are your favorite photos?

As a reminder, all photos are copyrighted to me. For permission to use one, contact me at mariner2mother@wavecable.com.

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Skeletons In The Closet

So many families have them.

Skeletons in the closet.

Secrets kept in shame.

Societal violations that are deemed

too fraught with peril to speak about.

Shrouded in fear.

Fear that people will find out

about

the big

secret.

And ostracize us all.

The big shame.

But over decades, values and mores shift.

What was once so very shameful

might not be so bad, decades later.

But then again,

it might.

Time to cast off the coat that I didn’t choose to wear.

Time to peel it off, as it no longer fits.

I didn’t even put it on me, although I wore it.

After all, I was just a young girl.

A budding blossom.

My petals were stripped.

And it wasn’t my fault.

I didn’t do anything wrong.

He did.

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Holding Space and Resurgence of the Feminine

A few years back, when this Spirituality thing was quite new to me, there was a whole new lingo to learn. One of the phrases that I heard a lot, but didn’t have words for, was “holding space.”

Little by little, I began to grasp this concept. At first I understood it to be like being there for someone, being there for a friend who needed a place to vent. Being that friend you could tell your trouble to, who wouldn’t go gossiping those same things around town.

Then, as I learned more and grew more, I understood “holding space” to mean that I was a safe place for someone to do whatever they needed to do in that moment in time; whether it was laugh, cry, grieve, or process whatever emotion they needed to, just then. It’s like there is a bubble around the two of us that is a safety net and a loving shield in one.

IMG_2594_sm

Now I feel that when I hold space for someone or for a group of people, I am energetically creating a literal space around them that holds the energy of non judgment, holds the energy of allowing, and is a safe place for people to express what they need to express to fulfill their soul’s highest wishes, and do this while infusing the energy of the highest vibration, of love, into that space.

When we feel safe and that we are allowed to express our emotions, years old blocks can dissolve in a moment. The energy of the feminine does this beautifully: creates safety and allows processing of all emotions. It can feel soft and flowing, yet very strong.

However, in our current society, we have been taught that expressing our emotions out loud, especially in public, is not ok. The masculine energies that have dominated for the past hundreds of years, the ones that have allowed fear of emotional expression to run rampant, are shifting.

One of the big deals about 2012 is the end of the era of masculine energy domination, and the resurgence of feminine energy, seeking to restore balance.

For me as a woman and a mother, it’s easier than perhaps for many men, to play the role of holding space for someone who needs to let out a lot of painful tears, because we are the ones who do this in our society with great regularity. We are a shoulder to lean on when a friend needs and ear to bend. We soothe and calm upset children and spouses. It’s accepted and even expected.

Our older men especially, were raised that a real man doesn’t cry. A real man doesn’t show his feelings. A real man keeps his cards close to the vest. But the tide is changing, and we now know that stifling our emotions, stuffing, denying, repressing, and blocking them, leads to disease and dysfunction in our physical bodies and our lives- think heart disease, cancer, addiction and anger issues.

So, the next time your child, your spouse, your friend, your co-worker, is having a tough time, instead of telling them to buck up, to suck it up, or get over it, put your judgments in your back pocket for a little while and just be there for them. You don’t need to solve their problems for them or even comment. Just be there. Especially with kids, you’ll be surprised how quickly they can move through the moment and on to a more peaceful state.

And make sure you have your person or peeps who can do the same for you.

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I See You: A Letter to My Son

To my beloved Son:

I see you when you shove your sneakers on without untying the laces because tying shoes is still a challenge and takes too long.

I see you change your clothes several times a day because one pair of pants or a shirt becomes too hot or uncomfortable after a while.

I see you skip brushing your teeth because the bristles against your gums is unbearable.

I see you when you do brush your teeth, after much nagging from me, and you don’t use toothpaste because it’s intolerable.

I see you when you ask me every morning just before school drop-off if your face is clean of food because you don’t feel it when you have butter or crumbs around your mouth.

I see you try to eat new foods, but still can’t swallow them, or their smell is so offensive you can’t even give them a taste.

I see you when you jumble up time because your brain doesn’t process time very well.

I see you when you become self-conscious running around with your buddies, noticing how they seem to glide across the grass like a gazelle, and you don’t.

I see you when I take you for a hair cut and you have to go outside a soon as your cut is done because of the smell of perm chemicals in the air is overwhelming.

I see you when I hug you and you turn your head because the smell of my morning breath is intolerable for you.

I see you when you won’t let me brush your hair because it hurts too much.

I see you when you have trouble facing new situations and new people, until you get comfortable with them.

I see you when it’s Sunday night, and the thought of having to go to school in the morning stresses you out.

I see you Monday mornings when you open your eyes, only to crumble into tears when you remember it’s a school day Monday.

I see you when anxiety morphs into sheer terror panic, feeling like you’re going to die.

I see you when you have to curl up into a ball in your safe soft place in your closet when your brain is freaking out.

I see you not wanting to go to school because everything they stress during school: reading, writing and math, are big challenges for you.

I see you feeling stupid because school has taught you that if you don’t get good grades and catch on to what they’re teaching, the way they teach, you must be stupid.

I see you try to please people around you, like me and your Dad, and your teacher at school because your heart is pure gold.

I see you trying to just make it through the school day with your teachers interpreting your behavior as apathetic, and all you want to do is crawl into a bunch of blankets.

I see you when you’re so tired and worn out that your ability to talk starts to give out.

I see you cry when the world has overwhelmed you because it expects more from you than you can give.

I see you wanting to be accepted and loved just as you are.

I see the true you because I know a secret that the rest of the world doesn’t know. You came into the world with amazing gifts that might not be fully realized for a while. I see how amazingly fast your brain works at times. And you definitely have the potential to change the world. You came into the world with a Christened consciousness that won’t let you lie, cheat or steal. You have a heart bigger than anyone, and it’s my job as your mother to see that it doesn’t get trampled, until you’re old enough to do that job for yourself.

I’ve seen how far you’ve come, and as difficult as things get, I know you’re going to fly.

This post was inspired by an article I read today: I Stand Quietly: A Letter to My Daughter and to Everybody, written by a mother of a child on the Autism Spectrum.

Posted in Sensory Processing Disorder, The Voyage | Tagged , , , , , | 12 Comments

Disembarking From The Crazy Train

Where to begin? The past few weeks have been a series of ups and downs. Way down and way up. I read about how this year of 2015 is a year of change, of transformation, and the rollercoaster ride has begun!

Energies in the world become turbulent periodically, like when the sun shoots out a big solar flare, or when the moon’s effect on earth’s gravity is highest during the full and new moons. During these times people tend to become irritable or riled up – just ask anyone who works in an ER. Energies deep in people start to become shaken, and some rise to the top ready to be let go, like when you put water into a pan of rice and agitate it so the starch rises to the top to be poured off.

These energies come out as anger, frustration, and fear. How do I know energy is wonky? Other than looking at a calendar to see the phase of the moon, or checking in with certain Lightworkers out there who are always on top of the sun’s activity, my biggest indicators are how I’m feeling and how my Little Man is doing.

The past few weeks have been a struggle. Little Man’s anxiety has been running high. And my body decided to freak out on me in response to all of Little Man’s anxiety. Turns out I’m at an age where it is imperative to support my hormonal system in one way or another; and I haven’t been doing a good job with it. Things got too far out of balance, sending me spiraling. It was not fun. Fortunately, I had support on hand in the form of some capsules, and I finally took the full recommended dose (which I hadn’t been doing).

The lesson of balance was brought full force into my face. It’s about balance.

From Google ImagesWhat I’m learning as I travel the path of a spiritually awakened person, is that being conscious of the fact that we are all Christened beings, who came from the energy we know as unconditional love, does not mean our lives will be all skittles and roses. In fact, when people are actively doing the work to free themselves of their fear-based personality (which is a challenge in this fear-based world we live in), they might find that areas of their lives, that aren’t really working for them, fall apart.

People’s marriages implode. The can’t tolerate their job anymore and leave, or they get fired. And friendships go by the wayside. As I’ve changed and come into myself more, I see that the crap inside me that used to pop up and stir the pot, make me afraid, frustrated, pissed off, or whatever, is so very much less and less. I’ve had a few friendships go away. And when I am knocked over, I tend to spring back up much more easily and quickly.

Last week I participated in a workshop created by Drunvalo Melchizedek, called Awakening the Illuminated Heart. We spent 4 days healing, letting go of things that have been holding us back and weighing us down, so we could remember who we truly are at our core. We are spirit; an aspect or splinter of the One Divine, whence we came. We wear these human costumes (or as my dear friend calls them – meat suits) so we can experience life through them:  through our eyes, our ears, our ability to taste, smell, and our sense of touch. We come into these amazing vehicles called bodies, and experience pain, anger, doubt, fear, happiness, joy, bliss, and love. We also create with and through our bodies. We chose this as a way of expanding our consciousness. After all, God isn’t in a body and can’t experience life the way we do.

During the workshop, after we spent two days experiencing healing and releasing, we spent the next two days reconnecting to the point in our bodies where the world of polarity, this world of opposites, doesn’t exist: within a tiny space inside our heart. This is the point of unity: where we truly are one with everything and everyone.

It is within this space that we connect directly to the Divine Source, God. As we were guided through an exercise that brought us specifically into this space, we were reminded to be childlike, full of wonder, and joy. In fact, I believe it was because I saw myself as a young girl playing and having fun, that this particular exercise worked so well for me. As I slid down a very long and winding slide into this place, shouting “wee!” all the way down, I finally arrived, with a plop onto a bed of pillows. God was right there welcoming me, saying that he’d been waiting for me and was so happy that I’d finally made it.

In a flash, I was shown a slideshow of pictures that stretched all around me, and stretched quite tall, like an IMAX theater. There were all sorts of pictures of landscapes that were amazingly beautiful, pictures of people from all over the globe, and I received the knowing that we are all one, all connected, and are integrally part of our Mother Earth and Father Sky. More information flooded my brain so fast that I can only remember flashes of it, but the expressions “as above, so below” and “as within, so without” made total sense.

In my conversation with God, I realized that I hear him in my mind all the time. He comes through for me with great regularity. And for years, I’d blown him off, not knowing it was The Divine connecting with me, giving me information.  It was an amazingly emotional experience, with tears rolling down my cheeks. Realizing the completely unconditional love and acceptance, and the connection that has always been there (I’ve never been alone or abandoned), was overwhelming. Trying to express in mere words, this intense experience, doesn’t even begin to do it justice. (Think about the difference between explaining what an orgasm is, and the actual experience). Nevertheless, it was beyond amazing and something I’ll never forget.

The goal of spirituality is to remember our intimate connect with the source of life, to remember our God selves. To remember that this life is temporary. And that we choose to come here to experience, without judging experiences as good or bad. It is our human selves who created this world of polarity we now live in, where we feel the need to label everything in opposites. Think about it: how often do we categorize things into our lives and then stick polarity labels on them like good and bad, like and dislike, black and white, up and down, in and out. The thing with these labels is that they disregard the never-ending flow that life really is, the continuum and the ever-present change. They create artificial end points that stop us. Polarity doesn’t allow for expansion and opening in our thoughts, and thus in our world. After all, our thoughts (conscious and subconscious) create our world: the physical items around us, and the experiences that are drawn to us.

So when we are able to remember to see the world through the eyes of unity instead of through polarity, especially after the initial upheaval, things tend to flow more smoothly. Bumps in the road become small and easier to step over. Upset passes more quickly. And what comes to us becomes more and more desirable.

One of the biggest challenges that comes from moving forward in my work is the integration part. Integrating the new me with my “life” and family. Being able to maintain the ground I’ve gained with surroundings that haven’t yet shifted. This is the place where some people experience what appears to be backlash or their lives falling apart. What’s really happening is that their new selves don’t fit into their old lives. Sometimes families, friendships, jobs, and homes are flexible enough that things shift and adjust to a new normal. Sometimes not. Finding the balance in maintaining ground gained and giving my family time and space to shift to meet me, is what I’m working on. So far, so good.

Posted in Holistic Healing, Spirituality, The Voyage | Tagged , , , , | 14 Comments