Oops! I Did It Again: A Healing Story Pt.1

I have been on a mission over the past few years of healing my body and other things. The latest mission I ventured on was looking at why GERD was in my life and how I might be able to usher it out.

For those who don’t suffer from constant heartburn and acid reflux, GERD stands for gastroesophageal reflux disease. It’s a chronic condition where basically, your stomach contents (acid and partially digested food) are allowed to come up out of your stomach (because of a weak sphincter) and into your esophagus. The worst experience I had was being woken up from a deep sleep because I couldn’t breathe and my sinuses were on fire from stomach acid. The medical community treats it with diet and medication, but has no earthly idea how to permanently cure GERD.

About five years ago, my doctor had me see a specialist because at that point, I’d been dealing with GERD for a few years, and she wanted to make sure I didn’t have any cells in my esophagus changing. That’s what can happen when esophageal cells are bathed in stomach acid regularly: they change, and can eventually change into cancer. It killed a cousin of mine.

After this specialist put a scope down my throat, into my stomach, and just barely into my small intestines, he declared that although my stomach lining looked a bit irritated, I was otherwise healthy: no bugs that cause ulcers, no celiac going on, and no angry-looking cells in my throat. He talked to me about taking a drug to decrease the production of stomach acid, and I mentioned that it is sold in packs with directions to be taken for two weeks and then stop taking it. I’d been using it off and on; and much more on than off. He then told me that I could take it daily for the rest of my life if needed.

That was all I needed to hear: lifetime sentence. No way was I going to take a drug for the rest of my life for something that doesn’t need to be here. I decided right then and there that I would take this drug as long as I needed it, but at some point I would no longer need it. That point has come. About seven weeks ago, I had a hypnotherapy session about why my body had GERD, and I healed it.

In my personal experience, healing is done in a short moment, but the body can take a bit longer to follow suit because of its physicality and density. The actual healing happened pretty quickly, during the session, but six days after, when I went off my medication, the body was still adjusting and after missing just one day’s pill, heartburn came back. I decided to take another few rounds of the medication to give my body more time to get with the new program, and this time when I stopped my meds, no symptoms returned at all. And I did not change my diet or do anything different other than have this healing session. No heartburn, no reflux, no discomfort in my stomach whatsoever.

If I can do this, anyone with determination can do this. Chronic diseases are with us for a reason, and it is very possible to find out what that is and to affect healing. I get so ticked off by the standard medical community because they are totally in bed with the pharmaceutical and insurance industries and those industries are not about healing the body and soul, they are about making money. Period. They don’t want you to know you can heal your body and eliminate or reduce dependency on drugs. And if the insurance industry acknowledged energy healing, they would want it quantified, regulated, and put into a box they could control and monetize. Double edged sword there.

I have learned enough about energy healing and consciousness technology to know that we human beings have amazing power that would blow most people away. I’ve read about how an autistic boy who eats nothing but potato chips, and who is very healthy, has the ability to affect the energy of each chip as he’s picking it up and eating it, so that chip contains the exact nutrition his body needs. Yes! People can do this sort of thing.

Dr. Masaru Emoto showed us that meditating on water affects it physically. I have done this and then using applied kinesiology (muscle testing) determined that water that had been meditated on with love, harmony, compassion, and other positive intentions tested much better for me than water that had been meditated on with intentions of hate, anger, fear, and the like. My concentrated intention physically changed the water.

You can take polluted, irradiated, chemically poisonous water, and through specific meditation, you can physically change it so it’s in harmonious alignment and resonance with your body and will not hurt you. This is the sort of stuff that people are now doing. Here’s Little Grandmother (Keisha Crowther) talking about using crystals to delete radiation leaking from Fukushima. She has actually tested this with radiation detecting equipment, using a beaker of radioactive water and putting a crystal into it. It works. Do not sell yourself short people!! (And you don’t have to use a crystal to do this sort of thing, but they are wonderful tools).

When I think about this on a bigger scale, I keep going back to why do we all not know that we can heal ourselves and we can do things like eradicate pollution of all sorts? There are energy technologies out there right now that can assist us in these things, and people who are doing these things. I’ve even participated in not only healing my body, but in healing water and land. So why is this not headline news? My guess is that the powers that be, the ones who control mass media and communication, don’t want the masses to know how empowered they are. If you know that meditating on a situation with love can heal it, it’s not sensational, it’s not dramatic, it doesn’t bring in the big bucks, and it empowers you. The 1% of the population who control 90% of the wealth don’t want for you to be empowered.

I know people who have tried to share this information with large companies and even the government, to no avail. People don’t want to open their minds to the possibilities. They don’t want to upset the apple cart. They don’t want to lose control. They don’t want to risk losing money or earning power. They don’t know how powerful they truly are.

Can you imagine having the power to get rid of radioactivity with nothing more than meditating on a crystal? Or even meditating with no crystal needed? Can you imagine contacting power plants who need this technology, only to be turned down? Can you imagine offering to help clean up horrific radioactive waste that is at this moment leaking into groundwater, rivers, and the ocean, only to be turned down because of small minds and the promise of millions of Superfund dollars? These are things I am witnessing today.

Do you know how powerful you are? Now that you know some of the things people around the planet are doing, you can’t un-know it. And these are people like you and me, not someone who has been locked away in a monastery meditating for 20 years (although I bet that helps). People with families and with jobs, and with problems, and with the most critical component that is needed: a heart. The biggest challenge is learning to connect with your heart and trust its wisdom. It’s the doorway to healing ourselves and our planet, literally.

Because I seemed to have gone off on a tangent to sharing my healing session, I’ll continue this post in a part 2, where you’ll discover just what had been causing my acid reflux, and how it was healed. Stay tuned!

 

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What Is It About A Photograph?

I should have probably titled this post, what is it about a scene that screams out to me to snap a photo of it, to freeze it in time for posterity. But that was just a tad too long. Seriously. Sometimes I wonder what is it that makes me want to take a photo of something. For me, it’s often more than just, “oh, that’s pretty,” or “hmm, that’s interesting.” For me it’s often straight from my gut or from my heart.

I’ll see the perfection of nature of a single bloom.

peach orange rose

Or I’ll notice the way light and color play with clouds and reflect the color on the ocean. And if they are colors we don’t usually see, so much the better.

 pink sunset

For me, the urge to take a photograph can grab me when I least expect it, like as I’m leaving my house, taking my child to school. I walk out the door and, whammo! There are the most amazing rays of the sun, only visible because of some morning fog. I know that they won’t be there long, so I hustle the kid to school (thankfully, a 4 minute round trip), run back inside and grab my gear.

Suns Rays

Then there are the times when I’m out in nature, soaking up the sun and the air on a picture perfect day, something happens and I’m lucky enough to catch the action. Just recently, we were at a beach about an hour from home, and seagulls were feasting on clams at low tide. The gulls would peck in the sand until they struck gold, and fly off with their treasure, looking for a spot to dine. I’ve rarely seen a seagull flying off with a clam, but that day I froze the action.

seagull with clam

There are some things that happen so fast, we barely get to glimpse them. Stopping hummingbirds long enough to see their feathers always intrigues me. Some of their feathers are quite reflective and bright, lighting up their throat when the sun hits them just right. In this photo, you can see that those feathers look quite different from the others. (Click on the photo to see it larger).

roufus hummingbird

Some days, I love to get up close and personal with Mother Nature. The most mundane things can capture my attention. Especially drops of water.

fern water drops

So just what is it that springs forth from me, wanting to capture a moment in time? I’m not really sure, but there is something there that make me feel, “oh, wow!” or “ahhh” or “too cool!” or “too cute” and I want to hold onto that feeling just a bit longer. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite photos of one of my favorite subjects, my son, when he was little.

Little Man.

Little Man.

Do you have a passion for taking photos? Do tell!

As a reminder, these photos are my work, and as such are copyrighted to me. If you would like to use one, please feel free to contact me (email is in the About Me page).

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The Universe Is On My Side

A few weeks ago, I got in touch with a very gifted healer and asked him for healing for my son because of his anxiety around school. Things were getting pretty bad. The very next morning, Little Man had a whopper of a panic attack, but the day after that, energies shifted. Since then, the changes and synchronicities have been rolling in. For the whole back story, including how I almost murdered both his teacher and the school psychologist, check out Bring On The Shift.

It started with a clairvoyant reading with a local psychic at a holistic fair. The reading helped me see what’s been going on between Little Man and his teacher at the energetic level, that has been contributing to his enormous anxiety at school this past year.

At the end of this tremendously illuminating reading, my gal directed me to a nearby psychic vendor who sells discs that emit different types of energy. She told me to pick up a disc for Little Man to have with him in school in his pocket (the small ones fit comfortably in the palm of your hand). The psychic who created these discs intuited a few that would help Little Man while he’s in school. And he intuited one that would benefit me and my entire family, that stays in the house. How these work is, they have been programmed to emit a certain vibrational frequency that your body tries to match. That process is called attunement.

Have you ever dipped your finger into a crystal glass that has some water (or wine) in it, and then rubbed the rim until it rang out a note? If you sing the note to the crystal glass, it will start vibrating and ringing, even without touching the glass. Same thing. Except instead of the vibration being sound, it’s different forms of energy that affect the way we feel.

After bringing these energy discs home, I gave Little Man his discs and put the big one for the house at the center of our home. The next day, Little Man was lying in my bed with the big disk under the mattress. When I asked him how he liked it, he just grinned snuggled into the bed. It felt great and was working its magic.

I had a talk with Little Man about his teacher, her energy and the fact that he’s been absorbing it. I think just putting it into his consciousness that he’s been taking on her crap, at some level freed him up to be able to begin the process of discerning what’s his and what’s not. The next Monday, no panic attack. He went to school. Same thing Wednesday.

Wednesday evening, I had a session with a medical intuitive who was able to do some work on the energy between Little Man and his teacher. She can manipulate and change energies, and separated energies between the two. She also looked at their soul contracts, that they’d written to create this difficult dynamic in the first place, and changed and updated them so the dynamic between the two of them will no longer be so entwined and full of struggle. The next day, Little Man said he actually had a good day at school because he’d been able to make his teacher laugh. The rest of the week went well.

With the energy shift, I noticed synchronicities and great things popping into my life. For one, after I dropped Little Man at school Monday after the reading, I drove down to the middle school and scheduled a meeting with the gal who will be the counselor for his class next year. After walking out of the office, having made an appointment, I bumped into the counselor in the hallway. I told her that I’d be meeting her in a few days, and the next thing I knew we not only covered what I need to talk about with her, but the person who would be Little Man’s Special Ed. psychologist got in on the conversation as well. The two people I needed to connect with literally crossed paths with me, and it was a tremendously productive few minutes together.

Finally, I had Little Man’s IEP (Individualized Education Program) meeting, before school on Thursday. Every three years he is tested by a school psychologist, who runs him through a battery of tests to see if he qualifies for Special Education and an IEP. This meeting was to review her findings and to go over the new IEP that Little Man’s Special Ed. teacher wrote up. Before the meeting, I took a few minutes at home to get quiet, go inside myself and have spirit-to-spirit talks with everyone who would be at the meeting. I asked that the meeting stay focused on the positive; how amazing my son is, and how we can best support his weak areas.

At the beginning of the IEP, there is a section to express the student’s strengths and to voice any concerns. It had been filled out with a few strengths that Little Man’s teacher brought forth. When I was asked if there were any concerns or anything I wanted added (I could feel the expectation that I was going to add a laundry list of concerns), I said yes. One thing I wanted to add: that Little Man is extraordinarily creative. After that, I never sniffed the faintest whiff of worry or negativity. The goals that had been set on his education plan are very appropriate and reasonable. And the list of accommodations that were created for him is one I am very pleased with.

These days I recognize that healing energy can create all sorts of effects, including release of physical and emotional pain, the occurrence of synchronicities, and just noticing that things seem to be going better in life in general.

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My Favorite Season, Spring

I love the change of seasons, especially the onset of spring. Just when I’m tired of the endless long nights and dreary, dark, overcast, rainy days of winter, the days begin to get longer. After a while, the sun starts making appearances more often. Then one day I notice the sun shining at breakfast.

Suns Rays

Pretty soon green tips bursting forth from bulbs, pop up through the dirt, becoming crocuses, daffodils, and tulips. A rainbow of colorful life dots the valley once again. Yellow of forsythia brightens up the landscape, followed by the purple and white, fragrant lilacs. (Click on a photo to open up the gallery).

Spring rains and longer days bring back the ducks. Mallards love the puddles in the back yard.

Fiddleheads slowly unfurl their green fringed sails. Skunk cabbage dot the yard with their yellow blooms, as leaves reappear on trees. The deep green lawn starts to grow faster with the longer days. Pretty soon it’s time for the first mow.

The sunrise welcomes more and more birds, singing, squawking, and twittering. Before I know it, robins mine the yard for worms, and the hummingbirds are back, sipping nectar again.

And most recently, the rhododendrons have been blooming. We have several, so the treat lasts for a number of weeks.

The temperatures will warm as the days grow longer, the rains visiting less and less often, ushering in summer.

cows and sky

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Bring On The Shift!

A few posts ago, I was having a very difficult Mother’s Day. It had come at the end of a week when Little Man’s anxiety had caused him to miss some school. The week after Mother’s Day brought a few more days of high anxiety, and Little Man missed more school.

Because of crucial, time-sensitive testing that had to be completed with Little Man, I had to get him to school two weeks ago on Friday. As I picked up homework for Little Man, I told his Special Ed. teacher that I’d do whatever I had to do to get him to school for this testing. I promised I’d have him there, even if he was catatonic.

On my way out, Little Man’s teacher stuck her head into the hallway and made a comment about how she can deal with a sick husband, occasionally have to take him to the hospital, and she still manages to get to school to do her job. In that moment, I almost jumped down her throat. I told her that she doesn’t have a brain that basically betrays her. And, of course, after I left the school I became livid that she had the gall to compare herself, a grown adult with a “neurotypical” brain, to my son who is 12 and whose brain is absolutely NOT neurotypical. How the fuck dare she! She obviously thinks that anxiety and panic attacks are not real.

To put the cherry on top of the sundae, when I was leaving the classroom building, the school counselor, who really doesn’t know Little Man’s situation, but loves to stick her nose into people’s business, decided she knew what was best for my kid when I told her I was having a tough day dealing with his anxiety (and school). By the time she got done with me, she made sure I knew that if we didn’t get this child on medication, his anxiety would only get worse over time. So I’d better get on it as soon as possible. I told her about his horrible experience doing a medication trial for ADHD drugs, but she apparently knows more about my son than I do.

The next morning, Friday, Little Man had a grade A, first class panic attack. I told him over and over that he had to go to school, at least long enough to do testing, and I hated to force him, but it had to happen. The poor kid’s stomach was in knots, and by the time I pushed him to get dressed, to put shoes on, to get outside and into the car, he was a crying mess and thought he was going to pass out. (I secretly wished he’d pass out in the hallway outside of his classroom so his teacher would understand just how real anxiety can be). I dragged him out of the car and walked him to class, where he was barely able to function. Doing what I did to get him there went against every fiber of my being, and by the time I got back to my car I was a quivering mess of tears. It rocked me to my core. I got the call 3 1/2 hours later to pick him up. He’d made it through the testing.

Note Little Man wrote a few years back when his anxiety was at full tilt. He felt sick and really wanted to stay home.

Note Little Man wrote a few years back when his anxiety was at full tilt. He felt sick and really wanted to stay home.

A lot of times, I rely on energy healers because they address unseen causes for all sorts of ills (beautifully described by Caroline Myss on her DVD, The Energetics of Healing – search for clips on YouTube). I also call on psychics for advice because they can see the reality of what’s going on. They can see past the exterior situation, into the energies that are generating whatever is happening. Clairvoyance literally means clear seeing: seeing what’s really happening. (By the way, absolutely anyone can develop their clairvoyance with training).

The night before that terrible Friday morning, I had gotten in touch with a man who has an amazing natural ability to heal people. He can touch them, talk with them, or use his intention over a distance, to create physical, emotional, or spiritual healing. I asked this man if he would send Little Man a healing, which he did Thursday night while the boy slept. When Friday morning arrived and Little Man had the panic attack, I was a little bit surprised, but I also know that it can take a number of days to see change after receiving healing energy.

Something I noticed, looking back, is that things started to shift by Saturday. I firmly believe that the healing energy that was sent Thursday night started to kick in. Little Man was in great spirits because it was a weekend and he was going to play with a buddy. But for me things also started to shift in a good way. I went to a local holistic fair and had a very helpful reading from a trusted local psychic I know. When I asked her to look at the energetic dynamic between Little Man and his teacher, she saw right away what was going on. Having this knowledge changed everything.

Little Man is empathic. Everyone understands that having empathy for someone means you can imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes. Being an empath is literally feeling other people’s emotions (and sometimes their physical pain). Little Man picks up on everyone’s feelings around him. Because he’s young, he has not developed any filters. He often doesn’t know when he feels feelings if they are his or someone else’s; they often feel like they belong to him, especially in a crowded room that he’s been in for a while.

One of Little Man’s motivators is that because he can feel other people’s feelings, he wants everyone to be happy. With regards to his teacher, he wants to please her, wants her to be happy. She likes to dangle the reward carrot in front of her students to get them to perform. With Little Man, all he needs is praise and he’ll jump for the moon.

What I learned from the clairvoyant reading is that there is a soul contract between Little Man and his teacher. They have shared past lives together and in spirit, decided to come together as teacher and student to give them both opportunities for soul growth and expansion. One thing I now see quite clearly, is that the soul likes to set up situations that are uncomfortable and even painful, to get us to have opportunities to grow. In this case, it’s been the exacerbation of Little Man’s anxiety. I believe the lesson here is to help this kid learn about and learn how to manage his own personal energy.

The reading also let me know that his teacher has a bucket load of personal baggage that she carries around, including a deep need to be perfect that shows up in her work as a teacher, and as a spouse to a chronically ill husband. She’s not working on healing her load of crap because you can’t heal what you don’t even acknowledge. What happens is, when she’s not a “perfect” teacher (however she defines this) she gets all wound up and gets anxious and panicky inside. When she’s had to take her husband to the hospital (where he’s had to stay) and has been up half the night, she martyrs herself by coming in and teaching, when she should be with her husband. And with new and significantly more state testing this year, all of the teachers and administration have been unusually stressed out. Little Man picks up on it and doesn’t recognize the energy as coming from outside of him. When Little Man is home and thinks about going to school, what comes up for him is panic and anxiety.

In seeing the truth of what’s been going on, I immediately felt a shift in my world. Once I know what’s driving what I’m seeing, it gives me something to work with. So, what to do.

One thing the psychic told me was that Little Man is a natural healer. And that when his teacher starts getting wound up, Little Man can stealthfully shoot healing balls of white light out of the palms of his hands at his teacher, sort of like Iron Man. But instead of destroying stuff, he’s healing her. Doing things like this give Little Man power in the situation, and help his teacher, which actually helps him.

From Google Images

From Google Images

Since that weekend, Little Man has been getting better and better. He hasn’t missed any school, and even went to school a few days ago with a mild headache. Previously, it would have rolled into a full-blown panic attack. I stayed home, waiting for the call to pick him up that never came. He later told me his headache went away by lunchtime.

I’ve done a few more things to support Little Man and to help shift his energetic relationship with his teacher, that I’ll write about in a future post. I’ll also share some very positive shifts and synchronicities I experienced.

These days I recognize that healing energy can create all sorts of effects, including release of physical and emotional pain, the occurrence of synchronicities, and just noticing that things seem to be going better in life in general.

Posted in Holistic Healing, Sensory Processing Disorder, Spirituality, The Voyage | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Being An Alchemist: Healing

Lately, I’ve come to think of healing work as alchemy. Turning the lead of old beliefs and old energies into the sparking gold of higher possibilities, wellness and internal peace. I’m discovering as I clean up the internal crud from my past, the tarnish is falling away, allowing my brilliance to emerge. The sparkly, shiny, being that I am at my core, is being allowed to show up more and more.

I’m back at work, doing a short series of (4) hypnotherapy sessions again. The wonderful hypnotherapist I’ve been using since 2013 calls her style of hypnosis, “soul directed” hypnotherapy. What I particularly love about her style is that she blends her years as a traditional therapist, with her spiritual training and hypnotherapy. For me, it’s a powerful process of alchemy.

A few weeks ago when I sat with her, I was concerned about a feeling that I was using food to avoid or to medicate. Knowing that I had indeed healed my lifelong food addiction about a year ago, this was confusing for me. Here was this uncomfortable feeling that would pop up. I couldn’t figure out what it was, where it was coming from, or what it was about. The only thing I knew was I was starting to use food again as my drug of choice to quiet this feeling.

As my hypnotherapist began the session, she took her time getting me good and relaxed. Because it had been about a year since we’d worked together, I was a little bit nervous, and my monkey mind chattered away. I finally told myself to chill out, shut the hell up, to relax, go with it and most importantly, to trust the process.

When she felt I was sufficiently relaxed and focused, I was told to see a ball of white light over my head, shining down on me. A ball of intelligent and healing light. I choose to see this as the energy that I know as God. Some people call it Source or other names. I was also told to see a guide come forth from this light; a guide that would help me through the process.

I was surprised to see the guide that came forth was completely gold and had the silhouette of a woman. In that moment, I knew she was an aspect of me. She was very loving, healing and is the part of me that is directly connected to Source, to God. Next, I was asked to bring up the uncomfortable feeling that had been bothering me.

It came up without too much coaxing, and with it came the thought “raging monster.” Raging monster!? What was that about? In another instant, I knew. It all came flooding in. I was very little, my mother was the raging monster, and I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to disappear. I didn’t want to exist. It was not safe, it was not ok to exist.

Once that came forth into my conscious mind, I had the instant perspective, looking at the scene, it was just that my mother who was sick, who was not able to cope with me. She was not able to deal with me. And once Little Me recognized that was going on, she started to feel ok about herself because she realized it was not about her. It was about my mom and her not being well. In that moment, Little Me got happy, bubbly, sparkly, shiny. She knew she was cute. She was this perfect little being that popped in from God. A beautiful little soul, and she knew it. God, she knew it. She had the mindset of: it’s ok mom, I understand now. You had a job to do, and your job was to basically be a raving bitch towards me. Job’s done. It’s over now. I’m moving on.

I also understand that your being a raving bitch was passed down to you through several generations. With guidance from an intuitive, a few years ago, I was able to see that karmic chain and facilitate it’s being healed. I stopped that bitch dead in its tracks. What’s awesome is when this was done, I saw the changes in my mother; both physical and emotional. She never verbally assaulted me for the rest of her life after that healing.

Next, I was direct to speak to Little Me. As I was asked questions, I noticed that Little Me was progressing in age. Pretty soon I appeared to me in my early 20’s and wearing a woman’s warrior outfit: Zena warrior princess came to mind. I saw myself carrying a shield and sword or spear, feeling very strong, solid, and self-confident.

 

Image from Google Images

Image from Google Images

Then I was brought up to present time, in my present body at my current age. I saw myself standing, and in place of my legs were two tree trunks that were really thick and solid. They went down into the ground very deep and connected with Mother Earth very strongly, and I felt so solid that nothing could knock me over. Everyone could have their tantrums around me; they could have their little tornadoes of shit around me. They could do whatever the hell they needed to do around me. Nothing was going to knock me down. Nothing was even going to make me flinch. I was really grounded, really solid, really confident. It felt awesome.

What was fascinating to me was realizing that the feelings of not being ok and not wanting to be here (in a physical body), were ones that had visited me several times of the past 4 months. I now knew what they were about, where they came from, and that they were instantly changed, transmuted, shifted. And it happened in a moment. That’s how alchemy works: in a flash of insight.

Finally, my hypnotherapist asked me about connecting to the guide, this divine healing, wisdom aspect of me, about how to do it again. The Golden Me walked over to me, touched her forehead to my forehead, and we looked deeply into each other’s eyes. She said, “Just remember, when you want to connect, just look deep into my eyes, because the eyes are the window to the soul. Remember that and trust it. Remember, trust, and just connect.” She said look deep in my eyes and remember she is always there, is a part of me; always was and always will be. And it’s that part that is directly connected to God. This is how I can connect and receive God’s wisdom anytime I need it.

So powerful to know that we all have this connection inside us to all the answers we need. We can all connect to God, the Divine, Source, the Universe, or whatever you choose to call the creation energy that made us, loves us unconditionally, and supports us throughout our lives.

Do you have a favorite way to connect to God? Is there a special place you go to, or a particular ritual that helps you get there?

Posted in Holistic Healing, Hypnosis, Spirituality, The Voyage | Tagged , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

The Minefield of Mother’s Day

mariner2mother:

Today I am introducing you to my other blog. The one I’ve kept secret. Today I choose to no longer keep that secret. And because I’ve been digging in again, working on healing childhood wounds, Mother’s Day this year has been particularly hard and painful. I’m finding that the more I write about my feelings and talk about them, the more easily they pass through. And I’m feeling much better than I did even 2 hours ago when I wrote this piece. Thank you all for coming along for the ride that has been my life, and the journey that is my healing.

growing from manure

Originally posted on Persephone's Epiphany:

So here it is: Mother’s Day. No one in my house has wished me a happy Mother’s Day. No one even remembers it’s Mother’s Day. As much as I love my husband, he doesn’t remember days like this without big reminders. I’m feeling like it’s not my job to remind him today. And my son is pretty oblivious to anything today but his own needs.

You see, the commercial Mother’s Day is filled with images of a loving and doting mother who cherishes her children. They show her being put together, able to handle anything thrown her way, and having children who are wired “normally.” They show image of happy families honoring their matriarch; the mother and grandmother.

What they don’t show are all the mothers out there who are damaged. The mothers who were abused, who are emotionally unstable, or who are mentally ill. Both my (now deceased) mother…

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Happy Mother’s Day to My Son

Dearest Little Man,

Today I am wishing you a happy Mother’s Day because your being in my life has made me a mother. Because of you, I have entered into the sisterhood that comes from raising a child, no matter how the child comes into your life. You happened to have entered my life through my body, but not all children come to their mothers that way. I’ve entered the sisterhood of soothing a cranky baby, dealing with years of dirty diapers, watching you sleep, and being amazed by you over and over.

As I grew up, being one of three kids, and being a girl raised in the mid 60’s, I expected to grow up and have my own children. I expected a lot of things, many of which did not happen as I naively planned. I expected to have 2 or 3 kids. I never contemplated that any of them would have an “issues” other than getting whiny when they were tired, or hormonal when they hit teenage years. You know, regular stuff. I also never expected to have my child when I was almost 40. Back when I was a teenager (way back in the dark ages), if you weren’t married by 30 or 35, you were probably never going to be married or have kids. Thank goodness times changed! Having you and only you has taught me to stop expecting how my life is going to go.

When I found out I was pregnant with you I was so happy sunbeams shined out my face (at least until morning sickness that lasted all day, kicked in). The day you decided to be born and have your first helicopter ride was a little scary for me and Daddy. But as soon as you squeaked while trying to take your first breath, a calm came over me and I knew you would be just fine. And you were.

Your first few years with me were especially challenging because I was not the best me I could be, and when I looked to my doctor for answers, she basically blew me off. It took several years longer than it should have, but I’m finally much better, and a better Mom because of it.

As a toddler you were nicknamed Motorboy for good reason: from the moment you woke up until you finally let yourself fall asleep at night, you were go, go, go! And there were a number of nights when your internal clock thought 2:30am was time to go, go, go! I definitely don’t miss those times. You were one of the cutest toddlers I know, and I don’t say that just because I’m your Mom.

Little Man in the sink with dino

boy on tricycle

You taught me a lot during your first 10 years! I learned about diapers, expectations, and developmental delays. We went to many therapy sessions to help you catch up to your buddies. I’m sorry that sometimes you didn’t like it; but you hung in as long as you could. And you were the primary catalyst in my life that helped bring change for me. Because of wanting to help you, I ended up having a spiritual awakening. I never saw that coming. Never. And I thank you so much for being that spark.

Just a reminder, do you make the biggest changes in your life when everything is smooth sailing and everything is hunky dory? Hell no. The biggest impetus for change is pain or discomfort; the bigger the discomfort in your life, the more you tend to look to change things.

That said, between the challenging times, I’ve had a lot of fun playing with you and photographing you. I learned a lot about action photography, especially when you were younger. Fast shutter speed, lots of light, and take lots of shots.

flying

water splash

And when you were really little, catching you in the moment was my favorite thing to do. I never told you to “say cheese” and I never tried to pose you. Taking photos in natural light with no flash is a great way to capture those candid moments.  I love this shot of you gazing out our big window, especially because, at that age and stage I never saw you just look and contemplate anything. You must have been tired.

gazing out the window

There are many reasons we decide to bring children into our lives. We want to pass on our genes, our traditions, a bit of ourselves. We want to fulfill society’s expectations. We want someone to love us. We want someone to take care of us in our old age. We want to look at a little version of ourselves and see part of us carried on. These are some of the reasons I’ve picked up on, over the years.

But with my newer knowledge about life and how this all works, I now believe that we bring children into our lives because we’ve made agreements with their souls before we were even born, for them to come into our lives. With that, whether they come to us through our bodies or not, makes no difference. I can just see the meeting that went down with Little Man’s and my soul.

Me: Hey, how about I be your mom this time around. After all, you were my mom that other time. And this lifetime I’ve decided that I want a female body in order to work out a bunch of other stuff.

LM: Sounds good to me. How about I be a boy and have my brain wired for the future, so I’ll be set up for a lot of challenges right from the get go? I think I want to step into that human 2.0 body that more and more of is coming in. You know, the one with so much energy that the body can’t really handle it all, and the wiring in the brain is different. Just to keep it interesting, I want to stay connected to this realm more than most. I think I’d like to work on learning how to maintain my energetic boundaries, so I need to have a setup where I have basically no personal or energetic boundaries. And having you as my Mom will give me a good shot at getting that lesson down. And, of course, I’d like to work on balancing some karmic imbalance. After all, that’s a big reason for picking earth and a human body this incarnation.

Me: Works for me. I’m going to tackle some big karmic imbalance stuff too. In order for a bunch of other things to work out, let’s have you come into my life later on; so if I should happen to get pregnant earlier on and your soul wants to pop in for a quickie visit, only to decide to leave until years later, that would be a good plan. Oh, and let’s make sure that once you arrive, my life is sufficiently uncomfortable,(but I’ll also have resources), so things get set up for me to have a spiritual awakening; after all, I’ve also got an agreement going with other soul friends who have agreed to come into my life to help catalyze my “waking up.”

LM: It’s sure going to be an interesting life this time around. I wonder how it will end up playing out. Good thing we are some bad-ass mofo’s!

Me: I hear ya there! We are some tough mama-jama’s!!

You’ve grown from a baby to a toddler, to a little boy, to a big boy, and now into an almost teenager. I can’t even begin to imagine what the next several years are going to bring.

Happy Mother’s Day (not so) Little Man!

Posted in Sensory Processing Disorder, Spirituality, The Voyage | Tagged , , , , , , | 14 Comments

Seeking Serenity Now

Do you ever have those days where everything you write that you thought was poignant, potentially eloquent, or was at least very important, ended up sounding more like a rant? No? I don’t believe you.

As for me, today’s blog post was supposed to be about something that is near and dear to my heart, but it didn’t go where I wanted it to go. It was more like a 4 month old black lab off leash chasing after ducks. After taking a quick writing break to check Facebook, I got into even more trouble over there. As soon as I realized that I wanted to reach into my computer and choke the stupid out of someone, it became evident that I needed to chill out, to cool down, to seek serenity… now!

Then I remembered the moon jellyfish exhibit at the Seattle Aquarium that I saw yesterday. It is completely mesmerizing! I could have stood there for hours watching these mostly clear jellyfish going around and around their doughnut shaped tank. As they passed a light that changed colors, the jellyfish would glow with each color, refracting blue, green, red, and violet. Their continual rhythmic pulsing entrained me to slow down.

Please enjoy jellyfish photos from the Seattle Aquarium, and a short video. The music on the video is Steven Halpern’s Comfort Zone (an amazingly relaxing album!).

Seattle Aquarium

Seattle Aquarium

Click on any photo to open it to full size. From there you can scroll through all of the photos in that gallery.

Enjoy this short video. (Please remember I am not a videographer).

 

Posted in Holistic Healing, Random | Tagged , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Tulip-A-Palooza!

It’s that time of year folks! Tulip time. In the county where I live, we have a tulip festival that runs the entire month of April. That said, the blooms happen according to Mother Nature’s schedule. This year, spring came a good 3 weeks early to our area. And the blooms were about 2+ weeks early. As I write this, the festival is coming to a close, although the blooms finished their triumphant displays over a week ago. Enjoy!

Just a quick note: click on any photo and it will open the entire photo. You will also be able to click on left or right arrows to scroll through all of the photos in that gallery. There is an “X” at the top, left to close the gallery.

Here is a local display garden, where they plant about 300,000 bulbs every year. In the fall, all the bulbs are dug up and new ones are planted for next spring. They do a wonderful job.

Here are individual types of blooms highlighted.

Finally, here are photos of fields of tulips.

Which are your favorite photos?

As a reminder, all photos are copyrighted to me. For permission to use one, contact me at mariner2mother@wavecable.com.

Posted in Photography | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments