Pausing

Every now and then we need to pause. I’ve needed to pause. To take a breath and let things settle. And one of my favorite ways to take a breather is to get out and take a few pictures. Our spring weather has been a mishmash of the winter’s complete cloud cover giving way to sun and white puffy clouds, with a few showers that can’t make up their mind if they’re rain or sleet. We’ve had a cool spring so far, which suits me because I wasn’t made for heat and 95% humidity.

Lately, life’s focus has been on healing. Healing not only things from childhood, but echoing back many lifetimes. And since very late March, a thread that’s attached to my inner five-year-old came up, opening doors to more threads and pieces of the puzzle that Kundalini energy has been pushing me to complete.

Between healing sessions, life goes on. And so does TLC time. Taking care of myself so I can be here for my family. Other than making sure to get enough rest (which these days is non-negotiable), I’ve grabbed a few opportunities to take in the salt air and snap a few pictures.

The nearest saltwater is a large body of water that stretches between Canada and the US and connects to the Pacific Ocean: the Salish Sea. And there are several parks overlooking the sea within an hour’s drive.

https://wp.wwu.edu/salishseaatlas/

One of the parks I visited required a drive up to a little over four hundred feet above sea level, making the severe drop-off a favored launch site for hang gliders and paragliders.

Not only do we have some spectacular views, but I love wildflowers that pop up here and there.

Another spot I visited was a spur-of-the-moment decision made after running a few errands. Taking the long way home, I drove along the bay and pulled into a small park.

A wink from the Universe in the form of a purple heart.

In this part of the Pacific Northwest, we’ve got the sea, flats filled with farms, hills, and mountains. It’s truly a beautiful place to live.

Healing Karma

Growing up I thought karma was something akin to Santa Claus. If I did good things and behaved well, good things would befall me. And visa versa. Misbehavior meant no presents from Santa. But that’s not how it works.

A few years ago when I was trying to heal some chronic irritation in life using hypnotherapy, being regressed in time I found myself back in early childhood days when my formative beliefs were created. That day the family was getting ready to head out to something like church on a Sunday morning, and my parents needed to get us kids fed and dressed. But I wanted to play.

Being willful during my toddler years, newly discovering that I had some control in my world, I wanted what I wanted and that was that. That morning my father was irritated and when I stood my ground, he got angry, grabbed my upper arm, and ushered me against my will down the hall to the kitchen. There was something about the combination of where I was in my maturation combined with my father getting angry with me that shattered something inside.

I lived in a house where as a sensitive little girl I didn’t do well when people got angry with me. It was overwhelming. At this point in life, my mother and older brother had already proved to be unsafe people by getting angry or being mean to me in some way, and this day my last bastion of safety was gone. The world was no longer a safe place.

During the healing session there needed to be reconciliation, and I got as far as seeing my father trying to apologize to the young version of me, but there was something blocking the process, keeping us from connecting. Calling in spirit to help me, Archangel Michael with all his strength and infinite love showed up, dissolving whatever had ground the process down to a halt.

As Archangel Michael did his thing, I suddenly saw that this dynamic between my father and I existed between my father and his father too, where my grandfather’s actions helped create the belief that the world is not safe for my father. Then I saw my great grandfather show up for my grandfather with the same energetic dynamic between them. And generations back popped into the scene with this same energetic pattern that had been passed down repeatedly, unconsciously.

At this point there was all sorts of healing going on and what had locked this dynamic into generations of the men in my family dissolved, freeing them from this karmic chain of energy. With my little toddler self able to accept Dad’s apology and feel the love again, generations of my family were now free.

Karma is repeated behavior patterns that lock pain and disconnection into generations. It’s done unconsciously for the most part, and it can be healed.

Over the past few years, I’ve been discovering that part of my life’s purpose is healing my inner disconnection/ trauma, and some of what’s been coming up in healing sessions are more of these karmic, energetic patterns that have been passed down through generations.

Back in 2012 during a meditation I saw and healed a pattern of mother-daughter wounding that had been passed down through my maternal lineage. That was the first one I became aware of, and as much as it blew my mind at the time, seeing a second one come down through my father bowled me over almost as much. I figured it was a miracle to see and heal one karmic chain, never mind two.

Well, hang on to your hats folks, because just the other day some more karmic healing went down. But this time instead of the parent/ child relationship, it involved the dynamic of power and domination between me and a member of my soul family. This particular soul has played several different roles over several lifetimes, and we’ve traded off who got to play the part of dominator and victim.

About eight years ago during a past life regression hypnosis session, I saw snippets of one of our lives together. Oddly enough we were both Komodo dragons and I was the one who was dominant. As much as my soul family member tried and tried to best me, they never could. Part of that session was to see what life lesson that particular lifetime held for me, and when death took us both I was shown that we cast off our reptile “costumes” and walked off into the sunset with our arms over the other’s shoulders, best buddies. The thought was, “Well, that was an interesting life.”

I knew that as souls we got along very well, chose what costumes to wear, and decided who’d have the power. I’ve known about another lifetime we shared where this soul played the role of harem owner and I played the role of a girl who was kidnapped and brought into his harem. He wielded all the power. It was a dark life that ended short when I as that girl took my life. I’ve been told that my current life is a do-over from this other lifetime because I wasn’t able to live it out and reach goals I’d hoped for.

Checking out early means changing up some of the parameters and trying again.

So, similar dynamics of power and sexual victimization were agreed to with this same soul, but this time around he’d play the part of my brother. I’ve known this for a while, but healing happens in layers. I can be told something and know it in my head, or see it come up in a healing session and know it in my bones. But healing takes things even further.

A few years ago I experienced a healing moment that freed me of attachment to my brother. I no longer wanted or longed for what I never had in the way of a loving and protective older brother. After a lifetime of wanting my brother’s approval and acceptance and love, things he just wasn’t capable of giving, I was set free. And I thought we were done energetically. But as long as we’re both alive, I’m finding out there’s more.

Because a repressed childhood memory involving me and my brother came up about a month and a half ago, recent healing sessions have been revolving around our relationship again.

Working with a local healer the other day, as she listened to her guides, she brought up the idea of my inner child having a conversation with my brother’s inner child. This was a new one for me (and her) and I was game to see what would come of it.

The healing practitioner voiced my brother’s inner child while I tuned into my inner child. I began by asking him why he’d been so mean to me. Why couldn’t he just love me? My brother’s inner child shrugged his shoulders, looked ashamed and dirty, and said he didn’t know. The healer saw our inner children sitting outside far apart on a few big rocks. She also saw the light in our hearts and that our souls have great love for each other. After the answer from my brother’s inner child, my inner child moved closer to him.

The healer said my inner child needed to ask my brother’s inner child… and she never finished her sentence as she focused on the question. During the moments of quiet, I wondered what my inner child was supposed to ask, and before I could formulate a question my inner child began to speak. She began to apologize and ask for forgiveness.

Both my healer and I were beyond surprised, but I went with it. My inner child realized there were times when she could be a pest toward her brother. Times when she was bored and wanted to play with him and all he wanted was to play with his friends. There were all sorts of fights, bickering, and wrestling, but no one taught them about apologizing and forgiveness. That wasn’t something taught in our home. With a father who worked and was very busy, childcare mostly fell to our mother who was mentally ill, struggling to make it from day to day. She’d been an only child, had no idea how to deal with squabbling kids, and teaching us how to get along wasn’t on the agenda.

At this moment, my inner child apologized and asked for forgiveness not only for what she did when we were young but for her part in hurting him in other lifetimes we’d shared. Lifetimes when she/I was the aggressor. Lifetimes when he was the one who was dominated and hurt. Victimized. She took full responsibility for her actions as the ho’oponopono prayer came to me.

I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.

These phrases repeated over and over in my mind as my heart cracked open wider and wider and tears of release fell. I sensed a picture of our lifetimes without seeing clearly, and it was dissolving, beginning in the past and moving forward in time. The chains that bound us through lifetimes of trading back and forth who’d dominate and who would be victimized were gone.

This karmic dance is done. Taking turns dominating, wielding power over one another, causing each other pain in this way is finished. Lifetimes of revenge and retribution between us are done. The tricky thing is, as long as we’re both alive I never know what else might come up asking to be healed. But I’m ready.

Mother’s Day and Healing

This year, I’m remembering my mother with love. For those who’ve read my blog for a while, you know my relationship with Mom was complicated. There was great love, and also great pain. Being aware of some of the plans and agreements I made in spirit before I was born, Mom and I agreed to do this dance.

I was born to a woman who was born to a woman who was born to a woman who lived with great struggles with mental health. I’m not sure how many generations back mental illness went, but one day during my meditation I became aware of a pattern of mother-daughter wounding that went back around seven generations.

At the time, my father had died weeks prior, and unable to even begin to process the watershed of grief, my mother’s mental health went completely off the rails. She finally stopped taking her medication, became completely delusional, and was unable to take care of herself. (You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get help for someone whose mental health has tanked).

While she was hospitalized for extreme mania I called in to a radio program of a psychic whose book I’d read. Once on the air, I asked the psychic why when my mother was manic she’d attack me (verbally). The answer was that it wasn’t personal. But something happened to my mother when she was little. The next time I meditated I should look at what happened to my mother.

At the time, I was new to meditation and was still struggling to make the time and find a quiet place in the house to sit with my mantra, but I did as instructed. A side note: at this point, I was about a year into obsessively learning about energy healing and had been Reiki attuned.

About five minutes into meditating I suddenly remembered to look at what happened to my mother when she was little. Not really knowing how to do this, I decided to imagine I was my mom as a young child. As soon as I imagined this and asked what happened, a scene began to play out in my mind’s eye. I saw my grandmother going off on my mom just the way my mother would go off on me. Holy shit! A moment later I saw my grandmother’s mother going off on Grandma. And then I saw it was a chain that stretched back for generations. A pattern of mother-daughter wounding. Holy shit!

Wanting to heal this, I put all my focus on my heart and called in every healing spirit I could think of, including Archangel Raphael, Jesus, and God. I asked them to heal this chain of wounding and I sat there until I suddenly became very emotional. With a release, I was filled with love and thanked all involved.

The next time I talked to Mom, she was still in the hospital and still very manic. It was when she was in this state (mania) that I could trigger her rage and defensiveness in a heartbeat. I’d spent a lifetime walking on eggshells around her and knew just what to say to set her off. So, to test the waters, I said something that would have normally flipped her switch. Nothing happened. No snarky retort. No passive-aggressive remark. No attack. Just quiet. Holy shit!

From that day until the day she died, she never attacked me again. I’d love to say we had a love-fest for the rest of her life, but the truth is her mental health never stabilized for more than about one week. But it was one of the first steps in healing our relationship. The rest would come after she died.

A year after Mom died, I had room in my life again to work on myself. With all sorts of stressors during the years of my parents’ decline and ultimate demise, my weight had ballooned and I met a new hypnotherapist who helped transform my life. Working with her was a time when I was able to begin to see my childhood wounds and how they were affecting me. Not only see them in a comfortable and safe way but heal them. Dissolve ‘beliefs of less-than’ I’d created about myself, this dissolving all sorts of emotional discomfort I self-medicated with food.

With each and every session I felt more peaceful inside. I felt calmer overall and had more patience for life. (And I began to know myself as a divine being). It made me a better mother. Although I didn’t have a daughter, being a parent is triggering (stressful) in general, and I’d been struggling with depression ever since having my son. Between his challenges and mine, I became conscious of not wanting to hurt my child. Healing work helped lift depression and made me a better mother.

Exploring energy healing and having healing sessions when life allowed, a lot of my early relationship with Mom not only came up in sessions but was healed. Within a few years of her passing, her memory no longer brought up all sorts of pain.

And only a few months after Kundalini energy opened in early 2017, what felt like the rest of our dance together bubbled up from deep inside and burst with a new awareness about Mom allowing even more love to flow through my heart. It was like I could see through her eyes in a way I never could before. I understood her pain and resulting behavior in a new way.

That moment felt like mission complete for me and mom. The agreement we made to do this dance called life, the dance that created all sorts of trauma and inner disconnection as a sensitive little girl, was healed. Done.

These days I’m able to remember the good times, like playing music together, going on vacation together, and hearing Mom tell me what a great mother I am. I’m able to appreciate the difficulty of the mental disease she lived with and have great empathy for how she chose to leave the world.

Finally, Mom always championed women’s rights and would be sick about the possibility of Roe v. Wade being overturned, sending women backward in time. Denying women the right to safe access to healthcare and the ability to control their destiny. Leaving it up to politicians to dictate what is a very personal decision. She would be livid. And so am I. Mom would be the first person to say, “Get the hell out of my womb!”

Daughter’s Loss

Back in the mid 80’s I discovered country music. I was in college, had never listened to country, and dated a fellow who was not only a straight-A student on scholarship but played in a country-rock band on weekends. And one of the groups I loved was the Judds. I identified with Wynonna, who’s only a few months older than I am. And there’s nothing I love more than beautiful harmonies.

I was heartbroken to read Ashley Judd’s social media post about losing her mother to the disease of mental illness. Naomi had been dealing with treatment-resistant depression for years. And I couldn’t help remembering my mother’s demise. Although my mother’s mental illness was tempered by medication, after my father died her mental health went off the rails and never came back. Ten months after his passing she crossed herself over.

I remember the shock, knowing that yes, Mom’s mental health hadn’t been great. And she’d spent time in a mental hospital for her severe depression shortly before taking her life. Not only that, but she couldn’t come home unless she had in-home care, which she had. When she committed suicide, she had care with her 12 hours a day, seven days a week. She waited for them to leave for the night.

Depression can be a bitch. A deadly bitch. Every bit as deadly as a heart attack or cancer. But because science can’t physically measure something or see it under a microscope, at this point it’s still hard to treat. It’s a little bit of a guessing game, trying this or that, combined with what scientific knowledge we have (which is getting better and better all the time).

Just a few days ago I had a healing session, diving back into my inner world using hypnosis, addressing my inner child who just a month ago let me know she experienced trauma at age five. It was news to me at the time. As much as things came up and were healed a month ago, over the past few weeks when I’ve had quiet time to sit in contemplation I’ve heard my little one inside whisper that there was more. She wasn’t done speaking.

There was a lot to the session, but one of the big things that came up was the voice of my inner child.

“I’m done. I’m wiped out. I can’t do this anymore – it’s just too much.” It’s that feeling of, “I give up. I’m dead. I’m done.” And wanting to run away. “I’m out of here.” Complete and utter defeat. I’ve heard that particular voice in several healing sessions from various aspects of my inner child just before she checked out and became part of my shadow. And I remember wanting to run away as a young child, but never getting further than my yard.

After my son was born when I experienced years of post-partum depression, those voices were companions far too often. Voices I knew I’d never act on.

During hypnosis sessions, I’ve discovered parts of my inner child who voiced this same utter defeat about being here in life and she’d checked out, being replaced by a belief of less-than. Memories associated with her breaking point, her trauma, became repressed and forgotten. Forgetting is how I stayed here and went on with my life. Forgetting most of my childhood allowed me to grow up, get an education, get a life and be successful.

Until my coping mechanisms began to become dysfunctional.

Discovering healing work saved my life. It not only helped me heal from a dysfunctional childhood I really wasn’t aware of but has given me tools to walk through an intense spiritual awakening and heal literally lifetimes of inner disconnection.

During the recent session, I discovered I’ve had a number of lifetimes when life became too painful or too difficult and I fell victim to the messages and committed suicide. Or I didn’t want to experience much of a life and dipped in and out of a fetus that wouldn’t reach full-term. (My mother lost her first pregnancy at six months). Even though we each have a few potential exit points planned into our lives before we reach mission complete, I’ve passed mine and am here for the duration.

Today I’m convinced more than ever that as much as mental illness is indeed a disease that needs to be treated, it’s also spiritual disconnection that needs to be healed.

From an interview I watched, Naomi Judd was molested by her great-uncle when she was only 3 1/2. She refers to herself as a cute and obedient child. And later in life, her mental health deteriorated and she began to have flashbacks of the molestation. Her anxiety and depression increased to the point where she had no choice but to enter therapy. I wish to God she’d had access to a somatic healer or transpersonal hypnotherapist, or a trauma-informed therapist to help her heal. Trauma that is suppressed never goes away until it’s fully processed. When it comes to trauma, time doesn’t exist. And the bitch is, it’s hard to process something you’re not aware of.

After my Mom committed suicide, as much as it was shocking and painful, it was also a relief. She was 81, had been developing dementia, her mental health hadn’t been stable since my father’s death, and she’d spent a lifetime living with a bitch of a mental illness. She was finally free. And as the one who oversaw her care, I was relieved to no longer have to worry about her. I knew she was cocooned in love on the other side.

Since Mom’s passing almost a decade ago, I’ve done a lot of healing and am in a good place. But today, Wynonna and Ashley are just beginning to grieve their momma, while the world mourns a beautiful soul who graced us with decades of music. I’m sending Wynonna and Ashley all the love I can muster.

Rest in peace Naomi. You’re back home.

If you or someone you know is struggling and is contemplating suicide, please reach out. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline here in the US is 1-800-273-8255. Beginning on July 16, 2022, you can reach the lifeline by dialing only 3 digits: 988.

Unfolding Through the Mess

Life’s been messy. Not necessarily outwardly messy, although my home could use a deep cleaning, but it’s been my inner world. My inner world was loaded into a big slingshot and flung fast and far a little over five years ago courtesy of an intense spiritual awakening, a Kundalini awakening, and while listening to a new podcast today, the phrase “unfolding through the mess” came to me.

It so eloquently describes the process I’ve been living, going through, healing through. Healing duality.

Picture a rose with petal after petal unfurling, unfolding, despite rain showers, blazing sun, mud being splashed upon it, or being eaten by a deer. Well, sure, no more unfolding once it’s eaten, but you catch my drift.

Think of a young child growing, learning, playing, stretching. Getting hungry, dirty, whiny, and tired, and finally falling asleep, only to wake and do it all over again.

It’s spring in my part of the world and plants are waking up. Fiddleheads are beginning to unfurl, woody stems are peppered with buds and young leaves, and after lying dormant all winter our local flowering bulb crops are showing off their blooms.

The wintery thick blanket of low clouds that hang around for weeks has been pulled off the bed, swapped out for beautiful blue skies and white puffy clouds dropping rain and sleet as they pass by. With warmer weather calling us outside things are still wet enough to warrant mud boots.

The thing about mud and rain, and going through all sorts of things in life is sure, they make things messy, they make things hard, but we keep going.

We find our people, we know what works for us – or figure it out – and we keep going.

About a dozen years ago when I was working in hypnotherapy, my son had been having a very rough time which stressed me out, and in the healing, a spiritual truth was revealed to me.

We each have our own path in life to walk and as much as we may want to take away another person’s pain and struggle, we can only do so much. It’s up to each individual to put one foot in front of the next and walk their own life path. Yes, we support and love each other, but ultimately the journey is ours. As a mother, this helped me loosen the reins a bit.

My own journey has been unfolding and healing and unfolding more and healing more. It’s been painful, exhausting, and messy. And it’s been life-altering, incredible, and filled with so much love.

With having recovered a repressed memory from childhood just a month ago, as much as the revelation came with healing and more spiritual knowledge about my life’s journey, this aspect of my inner world isn’t done with me yet. There are still parts of my little girl who are unfolding and letting themselves be known bit by bit. There is more discomfort to dive into and heal.

I’m so ready for it. To meet the little one inside and love her back into my heart.

Earth Angels

Late winter and spring have been a time of year for spiritual shifts and epiphanies for me, including my first spiritual awakening in 2011 and a massive shift of consciousness in 2017 that ushered in open Kundalini energy. The past few months have included deep healing relating not only to my young life, but reverberating through many lifetimes. Just when I thought I’d unearthed and healed my entire childhood, more lost memories returned. And with them came the knowledge that I’ve been surrounded by Earth Angels my entire life.

Remembering My Divinity

Still working my way through Kundalini awakening, my hypnotherapist recently guided me into my inner world to have a conversation with my body. But before going into hypnotherapy, I had a psychic reading a few weeks ago that let me know that when I was young and experienced sexual abuse, I blocked a large part of myself off. The psychic said it related to sensual energy, and it was likely impacting my ability to run Kundalini energy. She believed this block explained my feeling out of sorts and tired, so I wanted to investigate and heal whatever came up. And I was curious to know if it affected food cravings that have been an issue for the past few years.

During that same psychic reading, I discovered that my prebirth plan for this life wasn’t the first plan. There was an earlier plan that would have had me born first…

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Happy Easter

Spring is beginning to spring, and today will be a small sharing of photos taken over the past few weeks. Here in the Pacific Northwest, the grass has seen its first mow, and trees and bushes are budding and beginning to bloom. The weather is a mix of blue skies with white puffy clouds and passing showers mixed with sleet and even some large snowflakes one night last week. One of the fun things about April is you never know if you’ll need shorts and sandals or a winter coat and mittens – we’ve got it all.

Our Easter celebration this year will be a quiet one with Hubby at work. With our local Tulip Festival in full swing, the annual street fair is back in full force this weekend, and my plans are to visit the fair before coming home to cook dinner for Little Man. Needing to buy tickets in advance to see our local tulip gardens this year, I haven’t made it over. I usually pop over there spontaneously depending on the weather. But I’ll throw in an older tulip gardens photo because they’re in bloom now.

Enjoy!

Trees are blooming.

Daffodils.

Harbinger of Spring.

Waxing Moon. Almost full!

Tulip Festival 2016

Safety in Soul Agreements

I had a psychic reading last week to help give me a new perspective on something about my past. I not only got an interesting new perspective but also was told about a concept that had never occurred to me before: that there’s safety built into our soul agreements. Not necessarily physical safety here in our world, but a sense of spiritual safety. A higher understanding that we’re choosing to go through certain experiences at a soul level with the hopes we’ll grow and evolve.

Every single experience we have in our lives will be examined in the afterlife and mined for gold. The good ones and the bad. If we don’t grow from things while we’re alive, we do after death.

When we’re about to have an interaction with someone that’s not in our soul’s best interest, or something’s happening that wasn’t foreseen during the planning phase before we’re born, our guardians both here on Earth and in spirit jump into action to protect us. Those who’ve read this blog already know I went through some very challenging things in my younger life at the hands of two family members. A bit of this was pre-planned in spirit, but not all of it.

My soul and the soul of my older brother have great love for each other in spirit, yet even in spirit the psychic saw that he carries a tendency to be a bit of a bully. During a past life regression I had several years ago, I saw that despite a contentious relationship during that lifetime, after we died and went back to spirit we were buddies. But I didn’t realize his soul carries a characterization that plays out as the bully repeatedly. Our relationships have been ones where we’ve been rivals in many lifetimes.

Part of our soul agreement before I was born, was for him to do hurtful things to me to set up the challenge of finding love for him again. Or if not love, understanding and acceptance. With all the healing I’ve done and am doing, feeling hurt about the past is pretty much gone. But I never know when something is going to bubble up from my inner world that relates to our relationship – something more to be healed.

The beautiful gift I’ve been given in a handful of psychic readings has been to be shown several times in my life when spirit has stepped in to protect me, keeping me from harm. And one spirit in particular had the task of keeping me safe when I was younger and dating. Keeping me safe from men who wanted to do me harm when it wasn’t an agreement between souls. Either my intuition kicked in and steered me away from them or situations were created to protect me. Boy was my guardian busy when I was in my twenties!

Many people who experience child abuse have life-long trouble with relationships and either never commit to a romantic partnership or go through a lot of break-ups and divorce. But from the first day I caught my husband’s eye and something inside me came alive, I’ve only had eyes for him. And he for me. Our souls agreed to be here for each other. Even though we have our disagreements, we always come back together. That’s an example of safety in our soul agreement. There’s always a part of each of us who knows we chose to be together.

One of the things I learned from the recent psychic reading was that the original soul agreement between me and my older brother included my being born before him. Our mother was pregnant before my older brother, and she lost the pregnancy at about six months along due to a horrific car accident. She nearly died, breaking several bones and requiring life-saving surgery. At the time, my soul had already decided to be incarnated and had begun visiting the fetus inside my mother. But with the death of the fetus, my spirit retreated and plans changed. Instead of keeping the original birth order, my older brother essentially bullied his way to the front of the line and was born before me. I was born second. (I only wish my mother were alive for me to share this with her – that the child she lost wasn’t truly lost. But being in spirit I’m sure she already knows this.)

Changing the birth order created an unexpected ripple effect that according to 2 trusted psychics changed a lot about how my life rolled out. And most significantly, instead of merely butting heads in our relationship or feeling hurt by my brother, things took an unplanned sexual turn. From what I’ve been told, molestation and becoming pregnant wasn’t part of the original plan, which is why I now see how the tight secrecy around it when I was growing up was orchestrated or at least facilitated by spirit. I’ve marveled at how I was able to finish a school year hiding my pregnancy, spending the summer hidden away in a home for unwed mothers while people believed lies concocted. And making it back to school only 3 weeks late with more believable lies keeping my secret until I was ready to tell.

Yes, I carried a lot of shame for decades, and when spirit had an opening, an angel came to me and healed it. My soul chose to be hurt by my brother so it was allowed. I chose to become disempowered by my family so I could find a way to reclaim it – and I have. While things continue to be revealed over years, I can’t help but to think part of this life’s plan that had no wiggle room was to have a spiritual awakening, dive into energy healing, and learn how to help myself.

One of the hardest things to grasp is when our souls choose to take on agreements with other souls putting us through experiences that here in our very human world truly suck. Having someone you love severely hurt or killed by someone. Being abused, cheated on, or abandoned. It’s hard for people to not sink into despair and guilt or to feel like a victim. After all, that’s our natural tendency, and I’ve been there and done that for sure. I lived with hatred and bitterness for decades.

Sitting with a skilled psychic or seeing things for myself using hypnotherapy has made all the difference. Not only seeing things but healing them. Having somatic, felt experiences that allowed me to reclaim lost power and personal boundaries, heal how I feel about my body, and heal all sorts of fears and rage, has transformed my life.

Something else that was recently seen psychically for me was a thread of connection between some of the fallout from the deviated soul plan and my somewhat wonky energy. When Kundalini energy is activated, it essentially comes alive in the body and takes on the task of healing energy blocks and changing the expression of our DNA. For me it’s felt like Kundalini vibrates blocks one by one, pushing them from deep in my subconscious up to the surface where they’re healed either in a healing session or when I’m able to do it myself in contemplation. It’s a process that’s physical, mental, and spiritual.

When I asked the psychic to see what’s been going on with my lack of physical energy for the past few years, she saw that the Kundalini energy isn’t fully flowing; that I’ve got an energetic block from childhood impacting it, distorting it. She saw that yes, energy is flowing up into my body from Earth, but when I experienced childhood trauma I created a block that’s acting like a cork in a bottle to the Kundalini energy, preventing a particular facet of it from freely flowing through my body, up and out of my head, and connecting with the Cosmos. She saw my Kundalini energy as being a bit off-kilter.

The picture below is a simplified diagram of our energy with activated Kundalini energy shown as black and white snakes. The snakes represent masculine and feminine energies that intertwine within us.

https://www.learnkriyayoga.com/my-experience-of-kundalini-awakening/

Given an idea as to what’s blocked, I’ll be investigating and healing in my upcoming hypnotherapy session. It was a bit bittersweet to find out that sexual abuse wasn’t originally in the cards for me this time around, but I’ve managed to heal from so very much of it.

And the reading was further confirmation that a lost pregnancy doesn’t necessarily mean all is truly lost.

Feeling Like an Alien

For the past five years I’ve been going through an incredibly intense healing journey prompted by the opening of Kundalini energy in my body. It’s been a process of deeply healing things within me that don’t resonate with Oneness. Healing ‘duality’, or as I’ve been calling it: the human condition.

Because of all this healing I’m able to understand people’s motivations much more deeply than ever before. I’m also not nearly as reactive to things in life because so many emotional triggers have been dissolved. Instead of seeing the world in black and white, right and wrong, there are all sorts of shades of gray. Do I still have a moral compass? Absolutely! But I’m able to hold all sorts of people with compassion who I’ve previously condemned. Don’t get me wrong, feeling compassion for someone doesn’t necessarily mean I want to hang out with them – it means I understand where they’re coming from and don’t hold it against them.

Recently watching an interaction between three people on television, I saw a professional comedian make a spontaneous joke about a woman’s shaved head. While her husband and the audience laughed at the joke, it hit on this particular woman’s tender and raw spot: her hair. What the comedian likely didn’t know was she lives with alopecia, hair loss, and being in a business where a woman’s looks matter greatly, having alopecia has been shameful and embarrassing for her.

The joke wasn’t funny for her. Not at all.

When the husband looked over at his wife and saw she was hurt and angry, his own anger flashed up in her defense.

I recently listened to the first several chapters of the husband’s autobiographical audiobook and know a bit about his abusive inner-city childhood. A place where rage and violence weren’t uncommon. I also watch his wife’s show, Red Table Talk, and have learned a bit about their relationship over the years and what some of their challenges as individuals and as a couple have been. That they’ve both done counseling and therapy, have come a long way, and in the past several years their lives have taken a spiritual turn.

In an emotionally triggered rage (just like he experienced from his father growing up) the husband left his seat, walked onto the stage (because it was a few easy steps away) and open-hand slapped the comedian in defense of his wife, went back to his seat and yelled at the comedian, letting him know in no uncertain terms that his wife wasn’t fodder for his jokes. I can only surmise that being up for one of the highest awards of the night, best actor, had the husband already edgy and nervous.

When people are wound up, sometimes it takes nothing for them to overreact to situations they’d normally handle much better. And this is one of the reasons why some people sabotage themselves in high-pressure situations: all their insecurities come out just at the wrong time.

The comedian, standing on stage in shock, barely knowing what to say, fumbled a few words and moved on the best he could. Because as we all know, the show must go on. Minimal acknowledgment of hurting the actress’s feelings. After all, it was only a joke, right? And who, in their right mind, storms the stage at one of the entertainment industry’s biggest nights of the year? It was just a joke!

What most people don’t know is the comedian was diagnosed in 2020 with a mental condition called Nonverbal Learning Disorder. Finding this out at age 55 answered so many questions for the comedian about why he seemed to have trouble interacting with people from time to time his entire life.

One of the effects of this condition is missing social cues. Not being able to read people, to understand the effects of his actions and words. Because most of the audience laughed, he thought the joke went over well. But he didn’t seem to realize when the butt of the joke wasn’t laughing, it wasn’t a good joke. That’s why a lot of comedians when it comes to poking fun at people, either aim at themselves or people they know will take it well.

And most of the time when a joke doesn’t hit, the effects are usually groans, boos, or a quiet audience. Not being physically slapped. After all, slapping someone is assault, isn’t it? (Unless it’s spanking or swatting your kid or an adult “disciplining” a minor, but I digress).

So while the world of social media is up in arms about the blight on one of the biggest nights of the year in film entertainment, condemning the actions of a man who had the audacity to commit a violent atrocity upon another who was just doing his job, trying to be funny, my heart hurts.

Hurts for all three involved in this exchange. Hurts because people see the world in terms of right and wrong, victim and perpetrator, and they’ll be jumping to claim their side of righteousness today and for as long as the media cycle lets it ride.

Having met my inner child so very many times, getting to know this part of me who carries my anger, pain, sadness, shame, regret, and other negative emotions and helping relieve her of so much of what’s triggered these feelings has given me a perspective most people don’t have. And because I’m still deep in the thick of addressing things that activate my inner child, it’s beyond easy for me to have great compassion for people in their worst moments. When their inner child is crying out to be seen, to feel safe, to feel validated, to matter, and to feel in control.

Situations are no longer black and white but filled with shades of gray. And frankly, when the world is up in arms about something and I feel no inner “trigger” to take sides and react, it makes me feel a little bit strange. But I’m getting used to it. It’s my hope that today’s fervor and uproar will quiet quickly.

War

When I was very young I had gut trouble from time to time. It felt like there was a war going on inside me. I can still remember sitting in pain, wishing it away time and time again. And eventually, things inside would shift and the pain would subside.

There was a war of sorts going on. Parts of my body were contracting painfully under pressure. I’m not sure how much of it was caused by things I ate and how much was me – empathically embodying conflict happening around me. I’ve always been keenly attuned to emotions around me, feeling my way through life. And there was a bit of conflict in my home growing up.

I’ve learned that conflict doesn’t have to be life-threatening all the time to affect a person deeply. A few deep jabs here and there. Not being respected, revered, or honored, but being bullied, taken advantage of, and outright abused takes a toll.

Thankfully, healing has made all the difference in my life.

With the recent outbreak of war on the other side of the world, I’ve been remembering healing sessions when diving into things like digestive difficulties and an unhappy gallbladder a few years ago took me into past lives.

I saw myself lying on the battlefield with a spear piercing my right abdomen. The wound eventually became septic as it slowly and painfully took my life. As I looked at my male body to get a sense of the time period, images flashed between a body clothed in animal skins and a body covered with pieces of armor. I’ve died on the battlefield in at least a few other lifetimes, and possibly several.

As I lay dying I remember being angry about dying for a cause I didn’t believe in. Having to fight for a leader I didn’t believe in. It felt like I was either conscripted or forced into fighting. The teaching that day was about authenticity: being authentic to myself. It was about healing lifetimes when I wasn’t able to be true to myself.

We live with the effects of war carried forward by our soul, resonating in our DNA. We recreate it within our bodies and externally in the world. And the only way to stop it is to heal.

Will there be a time when all wars will end and people will peacefully coexist? I truly don’t know. As long as we’re a playground for soul growth, all this war and conflict serves a purpose. But I believe we’re ascending and gradually evolving.

However, right here, right now, I’m sending the energy of love out to the world, while continuing to do what I can do to heal myself.