You know how, when you’re deep in the middle of going through something, there are times you really want to reach out and connect? Times you need a friend to talk to or to vent to, or times you really just want to bounce ideas off someone? And then there are times you close ranks and are just going through it, not yet far enough along to be able to look back, because you haven’t popped out the other side yet?
Have you ever been in both places at the same time? Been going through one long, major thing that seems never-ending, yet something else pops up that becomes even more of a focus?
Yup. Right there. Going through an intense spiritual/physical/mental process that not too many people here in the US are even aware exists (Kundalini awakening). And to keep it interesting, no two people’s Kundalini awakening experience is the same, by along shot.
While my own internal world is being flipped on its head (in many very uncomfortable ways), and will continue to do so for likely several more months, or possibly longer (I have no real idea when this shit will be behind me), I am a mother. And in the past few years my son has some old challenges that, with puberty, have come to the forefront. Specifically, his anxiety. We’re far enough along in this little adventure that I can finally talk about it – a little bit.
Anxiety took my son down just under two years ago, necessitating pulling him out of school. When I took him out of school, I naïvely thought he’d bounce back and could do his school work online using a public school online option, or perhaps follow a curriculum much like what he’d been doing, just doing it at home instead of at school.
My first step was having him see a doctor who not only has medical training, but who is also intuitive and who has healing skills.
We followed a strict diet and used supplements for over a year. And they helped his body heal some physical things that had gotten out of whack. And my son had some energy healing work done on him.
The form of education we went with was very different from what his public school education had looked like. We deschooled and unschooled, having experiences and talking about what was learned. We learned to see life’s learning moments at every turn, working with a private school whose students all learn independently, at home.
During my son’s summer break over a year ago, I took him to see a very talented energy healer, one who has helped me a lot. However, with my son now being a teenager, and being able to feel other people’s energy as invasive, it’s become too uncomfortable for him to have other healers work on his energy field; manipulating it. So he won’t allow healers to work on him right now.
This fall, with specific requirements around my son’s education having changed (because he’s now in ninth grade), the way I’m handing his education looks and feels more like regular school. With that, the anxiety has been rolling back in with grand form.
The fall was a time of trying to cope with my own extreme challenges, while trying to teach my son, watching his anxiety melt his brain on a daily basis. I had to deal with my own fears of not giving my son a good enough education. And figure out how to teach someone who has learning disabilities, attention challenges, sensory processing issues, who is a teenager, and who is my own son. Who is a teenager! Whose brain melts down every time he even thinks about having to do school work.
Plainly, the past few months have been far from easy or relaxing. What’s the word for it? Oh yeah. A
fucking nightmare time of practicing extreme patience.
I understand that anxiety is all about unconscious fears becoming activated when triggered. My son has huge triggers around having to do school work, and as fear and anxiety rises in him, his brain’s higher cognitive functions shut down. A part of him believes he’s about to die, and his brain reacts in kind. When he’s in this state, he can only do so much learning; so school work has been going very slowly.
Something about the hormones of puberty have made his anxiety ten times worse than it was when he was younger. And because I can’t turn back time or shut off his hormones, we deal with what’s here.
Most people, once they even understand that their child has a mental health issue that significantly impacts an area of their life that can’t be avoided, would seek out medical advice, that would land them in a psychiatrist’s office. And if I didn’t know what I know, that’s where we’d already have gone.
But I have experience with mental health issues, and I also know the power of energy healing. I know the benefits, and the limitations of head meds and talk therapy. And I know psych drugs all come with side effects. I’m also keenly aware of the cost of head meds, and the limitations that health insurance plans can put on which ones they’ll cover, and how much they’ll cover. And that’s even if a person has health insurance.
Back when my son was in elementary school, was struggling mightily, and according to their tests, didn’t qualify for an Individualized Education Plan, I had him evaluated by a neuropsychologist. She diagnosed him with ADHD, dyslexia and anxiety, on top of his pre-existing diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder. According to her report, the only way we could help our son be able to do better in school, was to put him on medication to improve his ability to focus.
He was ten. No mother wants to put their child on a daily medication that will change their brain, but like a dutiful mother, I took my son to his doctor, who prescribed medication after medication, changing the dose and monitoring my son’s behavior. I wanted it to help him. I knew that other kids benefitted from it, so it might help my kid too.
What happened was seeing that my son, who always struggled to do his homework after school, soon completely fell apart. Any and all self-control he could muster to comply with the wishes of others, was gone. His ability to pay attention in class wasn’t enhanced one little bit. And the side effects of these medications soon brought my son to the brink of suicide. Three medications. A nightmare.
Needless to say, my son, who is now a six-foot tall teenager, has less than no desire to see if medication can help him.
Modern medicine has no idea why my son couldn’t pay attention in school. It could only diagnose that he struggled mightily to stay focused on his teacher, and lots of things just didn’t compute. Based on a few things my son recently mentioned, I think it actually has more to do with his having dyslexia and not catching on to what was being taught, and then feeling overwhelmed and giving up. At the same time, he’s so intuitive that he can feel everyone’s emotions around him. Can you imagine being a child in a classroom of 25 – 30 kids, feeling all their emotions, trying to pay attention to a teacher who is inauthentic (his two worst years), and you don’t understand what they’re teaching, but you’re too shut down to ask for help because you’ve already gotten the message loud and clear that life is easier if you just shut up and sit still?
This fall, seeing clearly that my son’s issues with anxiety need to be addressed, and after a few months of my own personal hell subsiding enough that I could function somewhat again, I had a chat with the boy to explain to him about this brain condition he’s got going on.
I told him it’s not his fault, and there is a big component of it that’s beyond his control. But at the same time, it’s affecting his life enough that it’s time to be addressed. I gave him the choice of seeing his doctor, going the route of trying some medications again, or seeing my hypnotherapist. He chose working with my hypnotherapist.
It’s definitely a more challenging way to go at the moment, but if he can work with her, the changes he can create for himself can be life changing.
So far, the visits have been an exercise in patience, in noticing subtle progress, and in commitment. It will take time and persistence. More than I realized when the idea occurred to me in the first place.
It didn’t occur to me that merely sitting with his eyes closed, being asked to picture things in his mind, would set him off. But of course. He’s doing something that’s not really his idea in the first place, with a person he doesn’t know, fearing the unknown at every turn. Trigger, trigger, trigger! So much of life is and has been uncomfortable to traumatizing for my son, simply because he’s such an extraordinarily sensitive being.
I didn’t even think that a big part of this process would be learning to trust a stranger, and would be learning to trust in something he’s never done before and doesn’t even understand. But he’s doing it. Baby step by baby step. He’s getting there.
My prayers lately have been for patience. And to keep the faith.
I know how amazingly powerful the processes my hypnotherapist uses can be, from my own experiences. And I want that for my son. I know that the process can reverse effects of trauma, and can deactivate unconscious emotional triggers.
It’s hard to watch my child turn into a shadow of himself day after day. And as much as possible, I keep my focus on the potential of what hypnotherapy can do for him. I try so hard to keep my eyes on that prize, and not let fear, doom and gloom take over. Which is exceptionally challenging with my own mind being rewired, going through its own process.
For now, plan B (meds) is still in my back pocket. If and when we need to go there, I’ll pull it out. But we’re not there yet. Not by a long shot.