Life In Balance

Doesn’t life feel better when things are in balance?

When there isn’t too much of any one thing; enough productivity to feel good, and enough down time to relax and recharge.

Yessireebob!

Then why is so much of life so NOT in balance? WTF?? Seriously?

This word, balance. This concept of something that seems elusive at times. Where does it go? I looked under my sofa the other day and all I came up with were dust bunnies and stray Lego pieces. And a stale cracker. And a pen. Ok. There was a lot of dusty, dirty stuff under there, but no balance.

I think balance is one of those things that likes to laugh at us while it’s jumping through an open window, bounding down the back yard into freedom and oblivion.

It’s something I’ve glimpsed from time to time, like that perfect sunset or moment of clarity. That thing that distracts me long enough that I relax and unwind, until the moment passes.

Over the past several months, any sort of balance in my life has been as gone as my teenage figure. So gone.

But unlike my teenage figure, I know that one day, balance will return. Like the prodigal son, it will re-enter my life.

What’s funny is, from the outside, not too many people can tell. Because, like so much of life, it’s an inside job.

From the outside, not too many people can see that my life over the past several months has been a time of extreme pressure and extreme change. It’s been a time of emotionality and exhaustion. And a time of watching my perspective of life change from the inside out, bit by bit.

It’s been a surreal time, a beyond challenging time, an indescribable time, and most assuredly, a time of little to no balance.

But the coolest thing of all is, in time (don’t ask me when), my mind and body will settle into a new normal, and balance will probably be my new best friend.

Have you ever thought about what a caterpillar goes through to become a butterfly? The fact that their entire bodies completely change structure, and they end up being able to fly? This Kundalini awakening process I’ve been going through over the past several months is similar.

But instead of my entire life shutting down, body being wrapped in a cocoon, and completely structurally changing, most of my life has continued on, with my cocoon being my home, immediate family and closest friends. And instead of my structure completely changing, what’s changing the most is my consciousness: my perspective of how I see the world and how I feel about life in general and each interaction throughout my day.

One thing’s for sure, when Kundalini energy is working its magic full-on, it’s the energy healing of all energy healings. It’s energy healing to the max and beyond. Extreme to the extreme. No balance or ease for months on end.

One thing I know for sure, is that as much as my life has felt anything but in balance for a long time, it will return.

Balance always returns. It comes back, slinking through the side door, whimpering. Or it throws the front door open, bunch of colorful balloons in hand. At some point, we welcome balance again, and life feels a bit more like a party.

 

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Beautiful Weather Day

Yesterday was a beautiful weather day. It was pleasantly warm, with clear, sunny skies, and a light breeze. Perfect. This time of year here in the Pacific Northwest, days like that are becoming rare.

With Little Man educated at home these days, I thought it would be a great day for a field trip; to get some drone footage and visit some of our beautiful Northwest Washington woods. We’re about 90 minutes from one of the jewels of our national forestry lands: Mount Shuksan, and there’s a scenic drive that terminates at two tiny lakes with a killer view of the mountain.

Unfortunately, Little Man wasn’t feeling very well, and wasn’t up for the drive, and with my current state of going through a Kundalini awakening making everyday life extra challenging to nearly impossible, I waffled and wavered about going alone. With Little Man’s encouragement, I pushed myself and went.

Along the way, I scoped out a trail that leads to some massive old growth trees, and found the road that leads to a scenic waterfall on the Nooksack River. Those spots will be for another day’s exploration.

Arriving at the lake in the early afternoon, I found myself in good company. Grabbing my gear, I found a small, winding path that led to the water’s edge, and a few view spots. There’s a trail that circumnavigates the lake, where a handful of people and a few dogs were enjoying their walk. I chatted with a number of photographers who were set up here and there.

We talked cameras, lenses, filters, perspectives and composition of our shot, and admired the beautiful day. As I was chatting away, I noticed that I felt like I had something in common with just about everyone there. Usually we notice differences in people, but with my brain wiring changing, I felt at one with each person I chatted with, even if it was just a few sentences.

We photographers waited for pedestrians to walk by, waited for an inconveniently parked car to leave our shot, and for the wind to die down, giving us clear reflection of the mountain on the lake. The car finally left. The wind calmed a few times for a brief while. And the sun kept moving, creating different shadows on the mountain.

I picked up a photo tip, shared a view idea, and snapped away with my big gun (Canon 70D), cell phone, and point and shoot (Canon Powershot SX710hs). Enjoy some of my favorite shots of the afternoon of Mount Shuksan and Picture Lake.

Here’s a video Little Man shot last year at the mountain.

 

 

Family Vacation

A week ago, we came home from a family vacation on the coast of Maine, where we’d spent a few weeks enjoying the water, the view, and time away.

Unlike years previous, this trip wasn’t quite the relaxing respite or fun times that it usually is. At least it wasn’t for me. Going through a very intense sort of spiritual awaking called a Kundalini awakening, my body, mind and sensory system are not normal right now. Far from it. And because of it, I am chronically tired to exhausted, I’m often very emotional, and my body is going through all sorts of changes that can bring on aches and pains that mimic the flu or other muscle aches.

Every time my Kundalini energy and body creates “healing”, how my DNA is expressed and as such, the very physical structure of my body and brain changes. With most forms of energy healing, these changes are subtle and small enough that a person can easily handle them with nothing more than some extra sleep for a few days, and a little TLC. But I left “subtle” and “small” behind months ago. There is nothing subtle about the healing action with Kundalini energy. It is extreme.

The most difficult part of this process is caused by my brain being very literally rewired.

When old neural pathways die off in mass, the chemical dumps that I’ve been dealing with mimic things like mental illness and brain damage: fear raining down in my head for no reason, forgetting things like crazy, losing vocabulary words, feeling weak and losing coordination, feeling spaced out and not feeling like myself. There have even been times when I’ve barely felt human. Fortunately, I know these are temporary, but it takes time for my body to process all of these physical changes.

Along with a host of physical, mental and emotional effects, Kundalini energy cranks my heart open. My heart opens to those in pain around me, and when their pain resonates in me, it creates healing in my body without my having to “do” anything other than just be with that person. In the long run, I’m letting go of my own life pains, like fear, jealousy, sadness, and anger, and becoming amazingly compassionate and understanding of people’s pain (what I think of as their disconnect from their soul). But short-term, I’m experiencing days and weeks of a living hell.

I understand that a huge part of my Kundalini awakening is helping me to heal childhood hurts at a level that is unheard of. No form of therapy or medication can create the healing that’s happening in me. And that alone, will make these hard times worth it. One day…

Despite my being a tired, mental, emotional mess during a good part of our vacation, it didn’t keep me from my love of photography. My camera was a constant source of welcome distraction, capturing scenes to revisit and share. Enjoy the fruits of my passion.

Just a quick note that I took all these photos with my point and shoot Canon Powershot SX 710HS (unless noted otherwise), and used minimal editing.

I have a weakness for sunrises and sunsets. Typical of New England, we had all sorts of weather while we were there, from a few clear and calm days, to clear windy days, to overcast, rainy and stormy days. Made for a variety of photo ops.

We love to get out to our favorite local lighthouses.

There are lots of working boats during the summer season. Tourism and fishing, including lobstering, are two major sources of income to the area.

And here is one final gallery.

There is nothing like the smell of salt air and spending time by the ocean.

 

Solar Eclipse 2017

Today was a rare solar eclipse that passed across the width of the continental United States. Being in Washington State, I wasn’t in the path of totality, but the majority of the sun was covered at its maximum. It was very exciting to see how dark it became.

Here are a few photos from the day.

 

 

Enjoy!

More Storm Surge and Whitecaps

The respite between storms didn’t last as long as I’d hoped. Going through a Kundalini Awakening process has been, quite frankly, kicking my ass. It’s been the most mentally and physically challenging marathon I’ve ever experienced. I’d rather take on the Boston Marathon and Heartbreak Hill right about now. At least that would be over in a matter of hours.

Storm surge after storm surge, topped with whitecaps.

At this point, my butt is dragging so far behind me, I think it’s in another state. Or planet.

Been trying to keep the engines running, but sometimes there is no power and I have to go to all stop.

Exhaustion ends in sleep, yet sleep is not restorative. I remember my dreams and they all suck. They are all worries and fears being acted out.

I wake up almost as tired as I fell asleep.

Green seas crashing over the deck means batten down the hatches and dog the doors tight.

Some days I have no choice but to retreat to my bed, trying to remain unconscious if possible, waiting for my brain to change its wiring. Old neurology dying, firing off chemicals of fear. Sleep coming in 90 minute chunks.

Soaking in salt water helps on so many levels. The brine is magic.

Trying to do simple, everyday tasks when the brain isn’t well, doesn’t fly. So they don’t happen. Thank goodness teenagers can suddenly become very capable when they want things, like food and clean clothes.

I’m learning to strike while the iron is hot. Move when my brain and body are in sync, between the surges. And not sweat the small stuff. And believe you me, so much of what we deem imperative, really isn’t.

These days my priorities are simple. Stay alive. Keep the kid alive and the pets alive. The husband can keep himself alive, so no worries there. And the rest is gravy.

Fair winds and following seas.

The Tide Turned

Back when I was a child, puttering around on the coast of Maine in small boats, I spent countless hours discovering how wind, tide and current affected the boat. We’d row down the coast toward the gut, where a one lane wooden planked bridge allowed access from our island to an even smaller one. That’s how it goes on the coast that’s dotted with over 4,500 islands. Lots of water, bridges, and peninsulas.

There were days when the row home was up wind and against the tide. It took all my energy and might to get back, and I learned quickly. Rowing with the wind and current was much easier.

Getting down to the gut at low tide meant finding treasured razor clam shells and sand dollars that weren’t under eight to eleven feet of water, and I would reach over the side of the boat and grab them. Getting out of the boat could be dicey if the bottom was muddy and not sandy or rocky, so we mostly stayed in.

Rowing with little to no wind was always easiest, and we figured out when it was best to keep the boat tied up. Those were some wet and tiring lessons!

With a large tide, high tide meant being able to row over hidden rocks, and because they were exposed during low tide, I learned every one. Low tide was a little bit more dicey because it wasn’t until an extremely low tide that we discovered a few more kelp covered boulders and ledges.

Over the years, I learned our stretch of the coast and learned how to navigate tides and currents. Navigating around rocks was easy once you knew where they were, as they don’t move. Sand does and that’s a story for another day. Thankfully, there’s not much sand on the coast of Maine.

Tides move massive amounts of water around the planet, like breathing in and out. They move up and down, here and there. And they are fairly regular, coordinating their movement with the gravity of the moon instead of our sun.

Life here recently has been nothing like the tides in Maine. It’s not been regular, normal, or dependable. There have been times when the water felt like it was going to swallow me whole, and other times when the tide went out so far I didn’t know if it was ever going to come back in. In between, I’ve rarely felt buoyed.

The most extreme tides happen during a full moon and a new moon, and with the recent passage of a new moon, things within me are finally shifting and changing enough that it feels like the tide is turning.

The fog is clearing up a bit in my head. The wind feels like it’s beginning to return to my sails, at least a little bit. And it feels like the force ten gale that brought me to my knees a few weeks ago is finally moving out to sea.

How long will this respite between storms go on? I have no earthly idea. But I really and truly hope the worst has passed. It feels like the tide has turned.

 

Brain Droppings

My brain dropped out.

Right out from the bottom. Or was it the top.

It’s gone. Disconnected. But only for a while.

Can’t think. Words swirl around but I can’t grab them.

Second thing to hit my brain this morning was fear.

Buckets of old fear. Revisiting. Damned that shit. I thought it was gone.

Guess not.

I confess my fears, accompanied by tears. Let them all flow and go.

What a fucked up process this is, rewiring my brain.

It’s terrifying to wake up and not feel like me.

To not be able to connect to my own heart.

Sometimes I’m all logical brain with sprinklings of fear and shit thoughts.

And slowly, slowly, my heart and head begin to connect up again

And speak together in new harmonious ways.

Can I eat yet?

My solar plexus area is shifting and changing.

The chakra (energy center) there isn’t fully functional yet.

It’s still trying to connect back in with my body.

Or is my body still morphing and changing – that’s likely it.

I can eat some, but what? Fruit always seems to go down easy.

Veggies? Not many. Carrot sticks. Green olives chopped into hummus.

Potato, but only as chips, and not too greasy.

Meat? No. Can’t stomach meat right now. Grains? Nope.

Nuts and seeds? Maybe later. Deep dark chocolate? Later.

Trying to eat is a challenge because my body can only handle certain foods sometimes.

Like right now.

In four or five hours it might be completely different. Or not.

There is no regular or normal right now.

Inspiration strikes! An idea moves me into action.

Squirrel!

Birds actually. Trying to steal all my blueberries

Before they even get a chance to ripen.

Run outside and take photos, getting inspired to write.

But my brain isn’t much more than a bunch of brain droppings right now.

Barely able to maintain a train of thought.

The train keeps leaving the station without me.

Feeling like a toddler needing a nap after only three hours of stimulation.

Time to shut down again.

This is a snapshot of what it’s like to be inside my head, looking through my eyes today. With this Kundalini Awakening process going on, it affects my physical energy, my emotions, and my DNA. Because my DNA is shifting and changing, sometimes very significantly, my physiology, is changing. And what’s most difficult to handle is changes in brain wiring. That means my ability to think, come up with words, eat, sleep, maintain constant body temperature, coordinate all of my body’s muscles, maintain a stream of thought for more than thirty seconds, and some days, to even know who I am – to feel like myself- is gone (or off kilter).

We are much more than our physical bodies. We have a template (for lack of a better word) that consists of energy, that informs (creates and maintains connected to) our body.

Think of the space around and throughout your body as pure energy. That energy works with your DNA to decide what your body looks like, and how it functions. That energy is biophotonic (light energy that is alive). That energy carries feelings and emotions. Those are your feelings and emotions. That energy carries information that our brains pick up on all the time, without even trying. These bits of information are ideas. That energy stream that creates each one of us and keeps us alive is what we also call our spirit or soul.

But using the word energy stream isn’t really correct, because it makes it sound like an individual thing, when yes, we do perceive of ourselves as very distinct individuals, and yet beyond our physical perception, we are part of one contiguous energy mass (that really has about zero mass). Yo! We really, truly, are all connected. Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t true for someone else.

Beyond our physical perception, we’re all part and parcel of one gigantic energy blog that is not only us (human beings), but this same blob informs (creates) everything. Planet earth, other planets, stars, and other forms of energy that we are aware of. (And some of these can’t be measured with instrumentation yet because our instruments aren’t sensitive enough). I’ve connected in a few different ways to this gigantic energy blog (through my heart’s energy), and what’s really cool is that I can actually converse with it because it has consciousness like we do.

But when the energy isn’t existing as a physical thing, it is completely open to becoming anything. It is quite literally unlimited possibility. (All of that “empty space” and “air” around you isn’t empty). Not only is it able to become anything, it has all of the intelligence and information through all time. We all contribute to this field of intelligence simply by existing. By being. So it’s ever-expanding.

My favorite thing about this energy is how it feels. Describing how it feels is a bit like trying to describe an orgasm, but the closest words I have are limitless acceptance, compassionate understanding, absolute nonjudgment. It allows all, accepts all, judges nothing. It feels like the most indescribable love, on steroids, ever. Oh, and when you get the energy of your brain and heart in exquisite alignment with this energy, it actually feels orgasmic. That’s what an orgasm is: not only a physical/emotional sensation, but it’s a moment when your head and heart are lined up with this energy that I’ve been describing.

(I just noticed my ability to write paragraphs instead of short phrases. Eating something probably made the difference. It’s hard to maintain one single stream of thought.)

So yes. We are so much more than our physical bodies. And as I’ve been going through this Kundalini experience, my awareness is changing. When I look out my eyeballs, what I notice and pay attention to is different. And how I process/ perceive/ think about/ feel about my world is changing.

Emotions that have been stuck with me, recycling as they become triggered, are coming up hard and fast. I have little to no ability to suppress them anymore. I have no choice in the matter. Feelings bubble up. My heart connects into the old pain from my past – from when it first became stuck with me – and I cry it out. Again and again. But this time, instead of temporarily tapping into the pain for a visit, I’m able to unravel the knot that was holding the pain in the first place, allowing years of crap go, further changing my DNA. And once again, my physiology and brain wiring changes.

And the song and dance goes on.

Thank God my family is understanding and patient with me and with this process.

One of the newer things I’m noticing over the past few days is words and phrases bubbling up and out of my mouth before I have a prayer of a chance to edit them. The editor in my brain is offline right now. This will make for interesting public interactions. I wonder how long this shit will go on.

[Squirrel!]

I’m going to let this go here because I keep losing my train of thought. And if I let this sit until tomorrow, it will join the few dozen drafts I’ve been trying to complete over the past four months.

Oh yeah. That “energy” I was describing: the one that exists all around us all the time – the one that creates us and contributes to our ability to be alive – it has many, many names. The most common one I use is God. But because most people’s idea of God and my idea of God are so very far apart, it’s a challenge to know what to call it. I like to call it love because that’s what it feels like. And I like to call it light because that’s what it (I) looks like in my mind’s eye.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I’m just thankful that I’ve decided to put something out there, even if it’s not my old/ usual fair. My old is way gone right now, and I have no idea when my new normal will be in place. It might be in a few weeks, months, or years. There’s no way of knowing right now.

Thanks for following my wonky journey! Life certainly is an adventure, if nothing else!

[Must shut down completely now. Train of thought is leaving the station without me again.]

Why Me?

Why do bad things happen to good people? How can we move on from painful experiences? Here’s my take on the matter.

Remembering My Divinity

How many times have we had something happen to us, and all we can do is stand there wondering, “Why me?” Why did this awful thing happen to me? And why can’t I move on? Why?

I’ve been inspired to write, by a person who’s been struggling to move through some difficult feelings. They asked why something happened to them.

“Why did this happen to me, a good person? What did I ever do to deserve this? And why does it still hurt?” Those are age-old million dollar questions.

The quickest way I’ve found to move through why bad things happen to us, is to reframe how we see and interpret the entire scenario. To change our perspective or our take on things. Easy to say and not easy to do. I know it’s not easy, because it’s taken a lot of therapy and healing work for me to move past my own childhood experiences. And as far…

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You Are A Miracle

Because writing is a challenge lately, here’s a tidbit and one of my photos. I like to create these inspirational graphic photos.

Remembering My Divinity

I want to share the story behind these words, but the words aren’t flowing well lately. One of the effects of my Kundalini awakening experience has very literally been brain rewiring, creating all sorts of challenges in my everyday life. I’ll expand on this when I can.

But for now, enjoy my photo of the Atlantic Ocean.

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Transitions, Changes, and The Unknown

Life loves to throw us crashing into the dark once in a while. Tides come in and then go out. Good times roll up to our front door and then go washing out the back. Their arrival brings joy and happiness, only to eventually fade and pass. Hard times too. We hate to see them come, and breathe sighs of relief when they recede. Life seems to be in constant motion.

And in a way, it is. Constant movement and change happens all around us every day, and we get used to it. We become acclimated and adjust and normalized. I call this being grounded. It’s that feeling of being centered and calm deep inside, when you are firmly anchored. When your vessel isn’t floating free, bobbing helter skelter at the mercy of the wind and sea. Being grounded feels like you are in command and everything is going according to plan. It’s that feeling of calm, deep inside.

Sometimes, things in life change, or we change, and then the dreaded unknown comes visiting. Right up to our door like an uninvited and unwelcome guest. Ugh. I hate that. What to do? I always want to know what to do.

The biggest secret I’ve learned is that the times of transition, when there is so much change going on that I’m sitting in that big black space of WTF, are times to “do” absolutely nothing. When I try to change something and every effort of trying ends up making things worse, it’s time to sit down and wait. And breathe.

Staring straight into the mouth of the unknown can be terrifying; and yet it can also be exhilarating. It’s that wonderfully, terrifyingly, exciting time of not knowing if our next step will be our last, or will be the first step towards wonder and amazement. Will we cross the ocean only to fall off the edge of the earth? Or will we discover new land?

There are times, when visiting the land of unknown becomes a bit too scary, and the best thing we can do for ourselves is stop and breathe. I also advocate having a good cry if it comes up. It helps me wade through the muck all that much faster.

As the voyage of my life presented times of change and transition, I’ve seemed to weather many of them well, knowing that they were stepping-stones in my life. But there were definitely times that I lost faith in the journey and became terrified of monsters below the sea. Expecting them to rise up and capsize my ship at any moment.

Not only was I terrified of monsters, but winds of change picked up and whipped the seas into a frenzy I thought might never calm. Fortunately, time has shown me that eventually, the winds die down, seas calm, and I find port and securely anchor again.

My most terrifying and most rewarding journey has always revolved around raising my son. From the day he very suddenly and unexpectedly entered the world, it’s been a series of ups and downs. When he had difficulty with what felt like every transition in life, as a very little guy, the amount of discomfort he experienced really rang my bell. There was nothing harder for me than seeing my son struggle and suffer every single day,  and often multiple times a day, for years.

Trying to fix things that often couldn’t be fixed, wore me out.

Trying to control him taught me quickly that I really can’t control another person.

And pushing him too hard, ended up with him crashing on the rocks.

There were times that as much as I might have wanted to make progress forward, maintaining bare steerage, navigating each wave as it came, and actually losing ground, was the most prudent course of action to keep the ship upright.

And then there have been the moments when weeks, months, or years of consistent effort paid off. The day I dropped him off to preschool, and he didn’t cry and cling to me, was about seven months into the school year. He finally tied his shoes when he was eleven. And just the other day, he talked himself down from a panic attack. HUGE!!

I was thinking about why it’s harder to see my child struggle than it is for me to deal with my own hardship, and it finally hit me. As much as I know that he has his own journey in life, and he’ll have his own adventures and storms to weather, a big part of me didn’t trust that he’d come out the other side without a severely damaged hull and rigging.

These days, we are going through the teenage years.

It’s my child who is changing and venturing out into a new and different phase of life, and as much as I want to impart all of my life wisdom into him as quickly as I can, I must wait until his ears are open to hearing it.

Because it’s such a huge time of self discovery for Little Man, my job as mom is taking a back seat, morphing into teacher and mentor. It’s time for me to turn the helm of my son’s life gradually over to him, and be ok with watching his journey unfold.

It’s so easy to write those words on paper (or screen, as the case may be), and yet, when it’s 1 am and my son’s brain is bound up with anxiety and panic over something in the future that isn’t even going to come to pass, not allowing his body to sleep, I try to fix him. I try to make it better. Those are the times when it’s beyond hard to let things go. The times when I can’t see how he’s going to make it from what I see in the moment, to the amazing future I know he’s going to have.

Facing the unknown can be as hard as looking at the biggest and baddest sea monster of all, who is circling the boat, and you’re sure it’s ready to move in for the kill. Having faith that by the last possible second, the monster will be taken out by a harpoon you didn’t even see coming, can be a tall order.

Believing that things will always work out for the best can be a stretch. But looking for the silver lining in the clouds is something I’m getting good at. And the more I look for the silver and glean gold from our voyages, the richer we both become.

I don’t know what sorts of weather my son will have to handle during his own journey, navigating from port to port, but he’s building skills to navigate whatever comes up. And with an astute lookout on the bow, angels on both beams and winds to push him ever forward, he’ll make it through, one voyage at a time. And so will I.