How I Forgave My Abuser

It’s Sunday and as I write this I’ve been listening to inspirational talks online. I’ve been listening to one and then another when a video of Oprah came up called, “The One Person Oprah Could Not Forgive,” about her challenging relationship with her mother. It’s one of the things I have in common with Oprah, a challenging relationship with my mom. That and the food/weight thing.

Inspired to write about forgiveness yet again, I wanted first and foremost to talk about the concept of forgiveness. For most of us, we’re taught to forgive and forget when we’re very little. To say, “I’m sorry” after we’ve hurt someone’s feelings. We’re basically programmed. And sure, apologizing for hurting someone, letting them know you didn’t intend to hurt them, goes a long way to help them release their pain and move on, which makes us feel better, too.

Receiving a heart-felt apology for being hurt goes a long way. But what about when someone doesn’t apologize? What about when someone hurts your feelings or physically hurts you repeatedly and you just have to move on and live with it?

In this case, forgiveness is often misunderstood. People think forgiving someone means that you’re finally able to accept what happened and that what happened is now magically ok. And that it is forgotten. Not necessarily so.

In the video I was watching of Oprah, I like that she talked about forgiveness being the acceptance that the past couldn’t have been any different. That’s a biggie.

In my experience, forgiveness is healing my own inner pain. It’s healing my emotional triggers that keep coming up as I think about when someone hurt me. It’s being able to think about and talk about painful events or the pain in a particular relationship, without feeling the pain, the anger, the fear, or the sadness anymore. Forgiveness is separating and dissolving emotions from past memories.

And I can tell you from experience that true forgiveness only comes through the heart. You can’t will it into existence with your mind.

When I first used hypnosis to address food cravings back in the year 2000, I had no clue what lived beneath them. I had no idea the desire to eat certain foods was born out of deep, inner pain. No clue at all. All I knew was a pattern I’d developed and couldn’t stop.

When I was first regressed, my world changed. For the first time, I was able to connect an unmet emotional need, which I responded to by eating, with its root: my wounded inner child. Following feelings back in time to the first time I felt them, I saw an event from early in my childhood of my mother becoming upset with me and berating me severely. The hypnotherapist walked me through a process where I looked at the scene through my inner child’s eyes and felt and vocalized her upset feelings, and then I looked at the scene through my wise adult eyes. With adult wisdom, I recognized that at the time my mother was mentally ill, wasn’t medicated, and her behavior was not appropriate. However, as a toddler, I was acting very age-appropriately when mom went off on me. The problem was hers, not mine.

When my inner child was able to take in the new perspective, she suddenly realized she hadn’t done anything wrong other than act like a typical toddler who was beginning to exert her own independence. And she let go of the pain she’d been holding onto for over three decades. With my inner child healed, I noticed a decrease in food cravings.

Over the next twelve years of having hypnosis sessions once in a while, I’d meet many other parts of my wounded inner child who had created a host of beliefs that kept her stuck. Beliefs created through painful interactions with my mother. With each encounter, I helped my inner child address and heal beliefs, helping her see that she wasn’t defective: it was a belief she picked up from her mentally ill mother. And helping her see she wasn’t bad or broken or worthless. And bit by bit, my inner child has been healing.

Most of the healing work happened after my mother’s passing because it’s harder to heal when you still have to deal with the person who was abusive toward you. In my parents’ final few years, I was the one of my siblings who took on the role of caretaker. I was the one who, despite being the only one of us who was verbally abused by my mother, made sure she was being taken care of on a daily basis. An especially difficult job when her mental illness went off the charts after my father’s death. Especially difficult when I live on the opposite coast from my mother. But I did it. The dutiful daughter.

Within a few months of my mother’s death, the Universe conspired to introduce me to a hypnotherapist who blended spirituality with her hypnotherapy practice. Having taken about a three-year break from hypnotherapy and going through a spiritual awakening, I was ripe for working with this new hypnotherapist. And our four years together were magical. Anger and resentment toward my mother dissolved more and more, and my memories of her shifted to the good times.

I was able to remember her making us matching dresses and skirts when I was little, and playing our violins together. I remembered the fun we had going on a trip together when I was in my early twenties, and how proud she was of me when I became a mother to a child with special needs.

And eventually, the pain associated with my mother’s passing by suicide began to heal as well.

After Kundalini energy opened, my ability to heal deepened significantly. And one day, I had an experience of shifting something deep inside, letting go of the rest of the pain from my relationship with my mother. It felt like I could finally see through her eyes and understand what she was feeling every time she verbally abused me; and at the root of all of it was fear. All sorts of fear. The moment my heart accepted that my mother’s motivation was based in fear that was beyond her control, part of my inner world shifted and let go. My heart melted. Any residual anger and sadness dissolved.

It felt like the challenge of having a relationship with my mother was finally done. Letting it go felt like mission complete. All the anger and pain associated with our relationship dissolved. Vanished. Transmuted, so what began to flow again was love.

It was a magical moment that set me free. And that is what real forgiveness is. Setting yourself free. Letting go of stuck emotional pain. And it doesn’t have to be dependent on anyone else. You don’t need to hear, “I’m sorry” when forgiveness is an inside job.

As Spring Rolls Into Summer

Happy Solstice and welcome to summer. Here in the Pacific Northwest, we’re getting quite a mix of rainy days and sun. And all the plants absolutely love it! While my Kundalini journey goes on and life is still a bit challenging on a daily basis, the entire process is evolving. Having enough energy and focus to be able to get out and snap some photos is just what I’ve needed lately.

With what feels like the world on fire, to bring me back to myself I take photos. It’s one thing I can control and feel good about. So enjoy these random pictures from my yard and places around the area.

With safety measures in place because of COVID 19, instead of waiting in waiting rooms, I waited for an appointment outside enjoying this beautiful lavender and sage.

Our yard is well populated with a variety of wildlife. Here are just a few!

We’re a little over a half hour from the ocean, and last week I spent some time visiting two local parks, sitting by the sea for a while, between running errands. Smelling the salt air is just the ticket at times.

One of the things I love about this time of year are the wildflowers growing by the road. Daisies and fireweed are just blooming, and so are foxgloves.

We’re in that in between time when our rhododendron and lilac blooms have passed, and most of my other flowering plants are still in various forms of bud. The one plant that’s blooming like crazy is my rose. It’s a pretty little pink, amazingly fragrant rose. And it’s a favorite. Enjoy!

Don’t Confuse Equal With Same

One of my favorite Intuitives, Lisa MW, who hears guides and beings in spirit so very clearly and whose intuitive advice is always practical, recently shared a channeling she did early last winter about staying sovereign in your own energy. In other words, being able to recognize when something is for you or not. For me, because it’s so easy to drop into my heart and feel what feels right, that’s what I’ve done for years. When my head and heart are battling it out, I defer to the wisdom coming through my heart because that’s our direct pipeline to Source and to our higher guidance. That’s where we tap into our own truth.

During the channeling, she tapped into divine energies of Archangel Michael, The Mary’s (Mother Mary and Mary Magdelene) and Prince. Yes, Prince. These days he’s a righteous spirit guide! And something Lisa brought through really resonated with me. Big time.

“Your guides never ever or divine beings or Prince or any of them ever want you to be in a supplicant position. Okay? Never.”

Yes!! This!! Something that’s bugged the crap out of me, and even more so since I became spiritually woke, is when religions teach that we need to supplicate or prostrate ourselves at the feet of God or saintly beings. Religious teachings so often reinforce the concept that we are less than and unworthy.

From my personal experience of God and from the spiritual perspective of life I hold, that’s the biggest bunch of crap, fed to the masses to keep them docile and under control. Now don’t get me wrong, religions try to get it right, but when man’s own judgment and ego fouls up how to interpret religious teachings, it makes me both angry and so very sad.

One thing I know for sure, without a doubt, is that God feels no judgment. That is a HUMAN quality created by our bodies (our brains, mostly) in order to perpetuate our human experience. We experience judgment as a survival mechanism, as a way to create fear to ensure physical survival. Because once we die, the experience our soul wanted to have through a physical life ends. The name of the game is to stay alive until our soul’s mission is complete.

One of the best teachings a person can embody is how incredibly valuable they are, simply because they exist.

Some of my more recent healing sessions have addressed this; connecting with parts of myself who became separated from the whole by beliefs of unworthiness and not being validated. During childhood, I created beliefs that became relegated to my subconscious mind.

In the eyes of God, we are equal. We are all equally valid. Our lives are all purposeful. Every single one of them with no exception. Even the person who is your tormentor, or the person who is a murderer and has no conscience has a valid purpose in life. I’m not saying their purpose isn’t to cause you pain, because it very well may be. Pain to encourage our growth.

Sometimes we feel insignificant and worthless because we don’t see our contribution to the world. Even someone who is homeless and begging in the street gives us opportunities to be compassionate.

In the eyes of spirit, we are each a thread of the grand tapestry of life. Some of us are blue, green, or gold, and others are smooth as silk or prickly as a blackberry cane. Our lives are all equally important.

Why don’t we know this? Why can’t we see this? Well, we grow up looking at life through our brain’s filters that only allow us (well, most of us) to focus on what we see, hear, touch, feel, taste, and smell. We’re taught to weigh and measure.

I can still remember squabbling with my brothers over making sure we each got an equal share of this or that. Gingerbread cake that was dessert. The last bit of icecream. Cookies from the tin. A turn riding in the front seat of the car. Heaven forbid if one us felt robbed of our share. Whines of, “It’s not fair!” would fill the air. “He got more than me! It’s my turn!” If you grew up with siblings, you’ve been there, done that.

And we weigh and measure relationships as well.

This same mindset stays with us our whole lives unless we challenge it, look at things differently, or heal the emotional upset beneath it all. As children we want things to be the same. We want the same amount that others get. We want what others have. And we learn that our value is tied to what we do, what we accomplish, how well we do things, and how we look.

When we grow up we want the same things that others have. We want the same advantages and opportunities as others have. And when we feel we don’t, we’ll always see a gap.

We’ll always see someone who has better clothes, a better car, a better home, a better life. That will be the focus. But the moment we’re able to let go of judgment, when we can stand in our own truth, looking through the eyes of our own sovereignty, everything changes. We begin to see things as “different” and as other people’s choices. Not as better or worse.

Spirit isn’t hung up on things being the same. In fact, change is the one constant in life and variety is the spice. What’s unique about us is the thing that sets us apart, that allows us to stand out from the crowd.

The moment we know we’re all equally valid and purposeful, it’s easy to take pride in our lives. Everyone has their niche, their style, their preferences, and their own personality. Everyone has their hopes, dreams, and desires, and a place in the world. And as similar as two people can be, even idential twins aren’t the same. Yet they’re equal, equally valid and valuable in the eyes of spirit, as is everyone.

If you want some guidance from spirit or are looking for some life or business coaching that is down to earth, check Lisa out! At the very least, subscribe to her newsletter. I’ve had a few readings from her and they’ve always been stellar.

A Sea Story

My first deep-sea shipping job, three months out of maritime college was back in 1994 when I was hired on as an AB-watchstander. For those not in the know, when you work on a ship you carry ratings and qualifications; unlicensed and licensed. With the ink on my ship’s Third Officer license barely dry, the company who hired me took on all newbie Third Officers as Able-Bodied seamen (AB), requiring us to compete with all the other AB’s who wanted to move up to Third Officer.

I stood watch on the bridge with men who’d been AB’s for years and had no ambition to move up. And there were a few other recent academy grads, both men and women, who held licenses like me. My first watch consisted of a Third Officer, two AB’s, and an Ordinary Seaman. We were a pretty well-oiled machine, once I learned what was expected of me.

At sea, I’d rotate between a stint on the wheel, standing lookout, and roving patrol (walking all around the ship looking for fire, flooding, or anything amiss), except when we were replenishing a Navy ship while underway, in which case I rotated between being on the wheel, standing lookout, going back on the wheel, etc. While in port we manned the gangway as the gateway/ security person checking people on and off the ship and handling phone calls. Sometimes when we were tied up for several days we’d also take on things like small painting projects.

Before working on large ships I’d spent time in the world of small boats, mostly dealing with tourists, working seasonally between Maine and Florida. I worked several years for the same company in Maine, starting as a deckhand on a tour boat, moving to deckhand on tourist fishing boats, and becoming captain of a tourist fishing boat when I got my first license. My employer in Maine required us to take care of our boat from before the season opening to closing it down for winter. In the spring we cleaned, painted, stocked, and prepared the boat. Running it from the end of May into early October, we did every job onboard except sell tickets.

Then I drove to Florida doing much the same from November to the end of April for other companies. I took jobs on tourist fishing boats as a cook and then as a deckhand, and the trips were as short as half-days and as long as six days. The work was fun most of the time – we worked hard and partied hard – but very low pay and no benefits began to get old, which is why I eventually found my way to a maritime college.

Small boating is a hands-on job where people wear many hats. And I was lucky to work for a few different captains who taught me things like how to run and dock the boat, how to take care of the customers, and how to paint and varnish. I learned how to make the boat look good! And I learned how to cook in rolling seas and learned how to fish, which is ironic because I really don’t like to eat fish. But I love a good fight on the other end of the line!

Back to ships. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about painting on ships, it’s that most of the watchstanding AB’s I worked with had no clue how to paint properly, or how to handle brushes and store paint when the job was done. There was a guy in charge of the paint locker who handed out supplies and received them back at the end of the day. He took care of the equipment.

One of the things I had to get used to, working on a ship versus a small boat, is there are all sorts of job positions, like the paint locker guy, the carpenter, and an entire engine and steward department. I had to switch my mindset from doing it all to having fewer responsibilities, and learning who did what job so I didn’t step on toes. It took a bit of adjusting because the last job I had just prior to my first shipping job had me in charge of a small fuel boat. Technically, I was the licensed captain of a fuel tanker, responsible for everything.

Most of the people I met on my first ship were very decent people. We had a mix of civilian mariners to US Navy personnel (90% to 10%), mostly men and a few women. Most of the women were Navy, and because their jobs were quite separate from mine I didn’t really hang out with them. I was probably one of about two civilian women on board.

Learning how to stay in my narrow lane of watchstander after having to do everything on a boat, I eventually found my groove with the kindness of a few shipmates. The men I stood watch with were nice people, but I got the cold shoulder from one guy. He rarely spoke to me and seemed to be angry with me for no reason quite often. I didn’t get it.

I wondered if he didn’t like it when I went off to get something and took quite a while because I was still learning who to see and how to get things. He never offered me guidance. Or maybe it was the inport watch when we were painting and varnishing lights and I actually cared about doing it property; doing a good job. Not just slopping paint all over the varnished wood handles, but sanding and varnishing them with several coats, and not painting over the screw threads and wingnuts, not painting the lights shut so they couldn’t be opened. Maybe he resented that I wasn’t nonchalant.

At sea, we on the bridge did the same work day in, day out, and once you got the hang of it there wasn’t much to it. I was a natural at the wheel, having been on boats every summer since I was about five. And picking out objects to report as lookout came easily. In fact, the biggest obstacle to the job, when we weren’t transiting in or out of port, and when we weren’t replenishing a Navy ship at sea, was boredom. I was good at my job and was as professional as anyone else, so I was confused by my watch partner’s behavior towards me.

When we pulled into port and my watch partners and I took turns manning the gangway, sitting in our little shack, I noticed the confusing shipmate kept bringing one book to the gangway shack to read when things were slow, port after port. I figured he must really like the book, so as an avid reader myself, one day as I relieved him I asked him what the book was about. He told me all about how the human race began in Africa and went into why blacks were and are superior to whites in every way. The title of the book was Africa.

His cold and confusing behavior toward me suddenly all made sense. He didn’t like me because I was white. But it didn’t stop there. He didn’t like me because I was a woman (doing a man’s job, getting a man’s pay), I was young (just turned thirty but because it was known I was a recent academy grad, people assumed I was in my early twenties), I was smart and good at my job. Being on the water was second nature to me, having grown up boating and then working on boats for seven years prior to this first deep-sea shipping job, including four years as a small boat captain.

I was a threat to this man in so many ways. And it was all in his head. He didn’t know me.

The next time my watch partner treated me badly for no reason I went to my watch officer. Upset, I explained what I’d recently gleaned and asked that he do something about it. He gathered the two of us up and explained that on his watch people were not judged by the color of their skin but by the color of their heart.

I honestly don’t know if anything changed within my watch partner, but he watched his behavior toward me after that.

I’m lucky. It took until I was thirty years old to experience overt racism. I can’t imagine what it’s like to grow up experiencing racism over and over again, over a lifetime, and to have it so ingrained into a society that it’s systemic.

A Healing Story: The Straw That Broke The Camel’s Back

Over the past three years and then some, I’ve been going through a metamorphosis from the inside out: a spiritual awakening known as a Kundalini awakening. It’s an intense process of change driven by Kundalini energy that’s become activated within the body. The thing is, when the energy becomes activated to a point where it runs on its own, without conscious intention (doing exercises to open it up), change happens, like it or not. Ready for it or not. And it’s not just one change, it’s an ongoing series of changes from within. It’s something like doing energy healing work, but on steroids.

The beginning of my awakening was like many others where I could see myself in everyone. The sense of Oneness was like at no other time in my life. And because I saw myself in everyone, I easily had compassion for everyone. Even for people acting badly. I understood that the motivations for all bad behavior were emotional triggers based on unconscious beliefs of pain.

And whenever I noticed feeling like I was pushing something or someone away, unable to feel compassion, resisting it, I could sit quietly in meditation, connect with the inner resistance and easily shift it, dissolving it. Whatever was creating essentially an energetic block in my heart was set free.

Then, I began to have experiences of inner shifts happening simply by being with someone who was upset. And these were people I was either connected to in some way because they were family or a close friend, or they were staying in my home for a visit. Basically, whatever they were upset about sent out a wave of vibrations and I picked up on them, resonating in kind. Not intentionally – it just happened. Like when you hum a pitch to a tuning fork and the fork begins to ring its note. If there was something about me, my energy field, that resonated with the other person’s upset, my field would reverberate, shift, and then let the upset go.

Usually, I’d also get information like a phrase, dumped into my head so I knew what I’d just healed. The thing is, the other person wouldn’t experience healing, just me. But I became aware of things they could heal if they were so inclined. Unconscious beliefs that are emotional triggers.

At some point in my journey, these spontaneous healing moments began to happen so frequently that my body and mind felt like they couldn’t integrate from the last shift before another hit. Like a tidal wave, I’d be broadsided, a quick release and relief, knowledge downloaded and exhaustion, both mental and physical.

Life began to feel like hell. They call this the dark night of the soul. It’s a bit different for everyone, but for me, it’s been a few years of struggling to exist every day. Waking up completely exhausted with my head a mess. Wishing I’d reached the end of my life so I could go to the other side. While simultaneously knowing I’m just in the middle of a really hard process that will eventually feel better (and it is, a little bit).

After about a year and a half of not needing to work with a hypnotherapist, I’m back at it, working with a new spiritual hypnotherapist who is helping me clear out what feels like lifetimes of cement. My former hypnotherapist, whom I loved to work with, moved away and these days is teaching.

What’s different about my sessions now is, what’s been coming up is not only specific to my life, but the issue resonates with the collective consciousness.

Because of what’s been going on in the world recently, I decided to share my most recent healing session here. I’ve been sharing the lessons from previous sessions over on Remembering My Divinity.

During a hypnotic healing session, I address what’s bothering me the most in my life at the time. Whether it’s physical or emotional doesn’t matter. The red flag is what’s catching my attention the loudest. And what’s been causing me the most pain lately has been my left elbow and muscles just above and below the joint. I wanted to see what was going on and heal it, and glean some higher wisdom about one part of my past relationship with my older brother. It turned out the two things were related.

The session was recorded so I’m including some of it verbatim. And to let you know, it’s quite an emotional rollercoaster. My Kundalini awakening seems to have significantly deepened my emotionality during my healing sessions.

After the induction period of the hypnosis session, when I was relaxed and focused on my hypnotherapist’s voice, she asked the pain in my left arm, what’s going on?

As I focused on my arm and the pain, I sensed a young part of me who was really upset with grownup me. She had her arms crossed and her back turned toward me saying, “Fuck you! You didn’t help me out when I needed you. You left!” That attitude again (it’s come up in other sessions). She’s… ten. (beginning to get emotional). Yup. She’s about ten. And she’s really, really mad at me. And the more I tune into her, the more anger comes up. (Begin to cry). It’s a lot of anger. It’s turning into rage. She’s saying, how dare you let him do that crap to me. She’s really upset with me, like nobody was there to defend or rescue her. Every night when she went to sleep, she’d pray and pray for somebody to save her, and nobody did (still crying). Every night she’d want somebody to take her away from it all. (Like a knight on a white horse coming in to save her).

At that point, my stomach started to hurt. My gut. It became a bit upset. And I heard her say, “Damned right!! I put myself in your gut. I put myself in your arm.” She put herself here and there. It’s almost like she was hiding. Self-preservation.

Hypnotherapist (H): Is it that she doesn’t want us to forget?

Me: She shattered and put herself in different places so if one part “died” then the other part would still be there. She’d survive. (Suddenly got really emotional – bawling) And she said, “If I cause enough pain, you’ll have to attend to me. You’ll have to come save me. You’ll have to address the pain if I cause enough pain. You’ll eventually have to address me… (still crying) because I’m not going away until you do.” She’s telling me, “I’m just going to throw a tantrum and cause you pain and dysfunction and fuck with your life, giving you no choice but to address me one way or another.”

H: So it’s a huge cry for help.

Me: Yes. She’s saying, “And best to address it like this rather than have it get really, really toxic, like cancer or something. Cause this is where people have things that turn into cancer when they keep blowing it off and blowing it off and don’t address it and don’t address it. That part of them festers and turns black and eventually explodes and turns to cancer and other stuff.” Major bodily dysfunctions.

I heard her say, “So get on with it! God damned it!” (As in, let’s heal this! So I can let it go).

H: She knows what she wants and she knows what she needs.

Me: Yup. And she said, “Help me out!”

H: How can we help her?

Me: The first thing she said… she just screamed… (burst into tears) “Acknowledge ME!!!” (Hypnotherapist acknowledged her, but it’s not what she wanted). It’s that her brother doesn’t acknowledge her. He never acknowledged her (crying) and he probably never will… cause he just doesn’t get it…That’s what it is. She wants him to acknowledge her pain. For him to understand it. The truth is he can’t understand it and he never will. And she’s having a hard time swallowing that truth. She’s having a really hard time accepting it, because it’s not fair to her. (crying) She just keeps saying it’s just not fucking fair. I can see her, ten years old (wearing jeans and a striped t-shirt) laying on the ground, pounding her fists and kicking her feet, having a tantrum, saying it’s not fair. That fucking asshole got away with murder. “He murdered me and it’s not fair. That bastard.”

This is where the ten-year-old part of me separated from the whole of me years ago, shattering and becoming stuck in time. Stuck with these emotions. The straw that broke the camel’s back was her deep desire to be seen and validated by the person who could never do so. She kept trying to please him and make him happy, thinking he’d one day realize what she was feeling and stop his predatory behavior. Thinking he would somehow recognize her discomfort and embarrassment and empathize with her. But he didn’t and can’t. He has no capacity for empathy. She finally gave up, separating from me. Existing only in my subconscious mind.

Me: She’s asking for help. She’s laying there, “That fucking asshole. That bastard.” She’s ready for someone else to come in and do the heavy lifting.

My hypnotherapist called on my Higher Self to help this young part of me, and with the asking, one of my healing guides came in. She brought a very high vibration of love, feeling very motherly. Crying with relief, my inner child immediately ran to my guide, hugging her and accepting her unconditional love.

My guide said, “I’m always here for you baby”… “I’ve always been here for you too, even when you didn’t know it and didn’t feel it.” She said, “I’ve been riding along with you this whole time.” I see her almost like riding a horse. I see the younger me running along, playing, and the guide is riding a horse along beside me, telling me she’s always been with me. She said there were times she had to step back and just observe and let things unfold, even though they were painful for me as a young girl. She said, “yes, things felt very unfair and things were hard. There was a lot of despair. But I never left your side. I was always with you.”

(More tears). And she said it’s time to unwind. Time to unwind herself from the body. Time to unwind the pain from my (present-day) arm and from my whole torso area – where she hid herself all the years… it’s time to unwind all of that… and let it go because it no longer serves my higher purpose (big sobs). The guide is saying she can tell I don’t need it anymore.

I could see where my inner child had created energetic blocks in various parts of my body, stashing herself here and there in fear of becoming nonexistent. They looked like knitted bits – energetic patterns of knitted yarn. And the yarn began to spontaneously unravel. My guide took up this unraveling yarn, winding it into a ball. End pieces of yarn from all around my body: my arm, my back, my foot (where I broke it a few years ago), and other areas that cause me pain from time to time, unraveled. I knew my guide would collect up all the yarn (energy) and take it back to Source to be transmuted back into pure love (pure potential to create something else).

My guide kept telling me I don’t need my brother’s validation. “You don’t need his validation because it’s never going to happen.” She just keeps saying, “You don’t need his validation. You don’t need anything from him. You will get nothing supportive from him, ever. You don’t need it.” That need is gone, gone, gone.

At this point I checked in with my inner child and she was feeling much, much better. She was strong, flexing her arms, and was happy again. Joyous in fact. She was ready to party.

At the end of the session, when my inner child had let go of the belief that had been causing such pain, and she was once again in alignment with my soul, my guide gave me some more information about my past that I’d been wondering about since my last session. About some very difficult truths about my story. About when my brother’s mean treatment toward me escalated into outright abuse.

I was told, there was just a lot of shit leading up to it when I was ten. Things started to change when I was ten, but became outright abusive a little later. Eleven, almost twelve. My guide kept telling me, “You got this. You got this. You can own this without owning the pain. You can own your story without owning the pain of it.” I feel the truth in it. Yeah. That’s nice. (Healing means being able to remember events while feeling no more associated traumatic emotions).

This concluded the session and the days since then I’ve been processing it all. I’ve been integrating the changes and noticed, the other day, that my sessions often bring up things that are resonating in mass consciousness at the time.

Just four days before my session, George Floyd was killed by a police officer. Another black man killed while in police custody. While he was videoed pleading that he couldn’t breathe as the officer kneeled on his neck. The exact symbol of white supremacy over the black man: a white man in power kneeling on the neck of a black man, holding him down.

With the pressure cooker of COVID-19 already pushing most people to the brink of their coping skills, Mr. Floyd’s death became the straw that broke the camel’s back. And instead of becoming a calming and reassuring presence (like my guide during healing sessions), our president further fanned the flames of divisiveness and unrest. Instigating even more hate and discontent while peaceful protests broke out into riots. My country has spent the past few weeks protesting and rioting, looking much like my inner child when I first tuned into her, tantruming because she wasn’t acknowledged, wasn’t seen, wasn’t heard.

Racism in my country is still so pervasive. People not being acknowledged or recognized as equally valid and valuable human beings. Not heard or understood. And as much as I’ll never fully understand what it’s like to live as a black man in my country because I’m not black and not a man, I do have the capacity for empathy. I have experienced racism, but it was from only one person. It’s not an everyday occurrence, and I don’t fear for my life because of the color of my skin or the texture of my hair.

I wish healing a nation was as easy as having a hypnosis session. It’s not. However, as we each learn to take responsibility for our actions and feelings, learning how to change and heal whatever’s no longer working for us, my hope is that we’ll become more compassionate. More loving.

And when it’s time to change laws and practices, may we create outer change with as little collateral damage as possible.

Bit by bit the world is changing.

Happy Tenth Anniversary, Blog!

I can’t believe this blog started ten years ago!! I wasn’t even 100% sure why I started it until I read something I wrote a long time ago. When Life’s A Journey Not A Guided Tour began (link to the first entry), it was because I wanted to share what I’d learned about raising a child with Sensory Processing Disorder: what helped and what didn’t. And just what SPD was. Back when my son was diagnosed in early 2005 the internet was still quite young and I doubt we had a fast internet connection yet. The speed of sharing and spread of information was just beginning to ramp up. And even my son’s pediatrician wasn’t very familiar with SPD.

When my preemie began to show signs of developmental delay, as his pediatrician recommended this screening or that, we dove in head first. Screenings and evaluations led to therapies that helped my Little Man progress.

Speech Delay and speech therapy led us to Sensory Processing Disorder and occupational therapy, and delays in multiple areas qualified Little Man for free special education preschool. And on it went, and still goes. These days, the gremlins we’re navigating are learning disabilities (dyslexia), ADHD that doesn’t respond to medication, and Anxiety that is responding somewhat to medication.

After beginning what I saw as a mommy blog, not even a year later I experienced a spiritual awakening. And my personal path took a sharp turn toward learning about Energy Healing (creating change from the inside out through accessing our subtle energy field). My life, when I wasn’t being mom or housewife, was full of learning about Energy Healing and connecting with intuition.

Six years later, after having many healing experiences and several metaphysical experiences, my life changed quite significantly when my consciousness went through a massive shift during a healing session. Ideal conditions were created for Kundalini energy to open up full-bore, initiating a Kundalini awakening that’s ongoing.

Thank you for riding along with me through all sorts of twists and turns of my life. For ten years of learning, of experiencing, of heartbreak and elation, and of complete surprises! Oh, and I almost forgot – photos!

Below is a harbor in Maine, taken July 4, 2019, by me. A bit to the right of center you can see a light ray pointing up from where the sun recently set.

Effects of Spiritual Awakening

I grew up as a typical American kid living in the suburbs, going to church regularly when I was young, and later on only going for Christmas, Easter, weddings, and funerals. Religion was not discussed at home and wasn’t really part of my life, and spirituality wasn’t even on my radar.

Which is why it was such a shock when nine years ago this spring, I experienced a spiritual awakening that was subtle, yet not. After having a seminal psychic reading, something inside me woke up from a deep slumber and I suddenly became aware that we exist beyond the world we can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. I knew without a doubt we also exist as energy. An unseen field of energetic spirit that carries memories, information, and emotions.

A few years before, I’d quite accidentally discovered this thing called Energy Healing when I was looking for a way to lose weight and keep it off. I had a woman work on me for about a year, and during that time I took a class she offered on muscle testing. Using the body to determine whether something was in resonance with it or not. She taught me a bit about energy healing, but it was quite new.

When I “woke up,” a desire deep within burst into flames and engulfed me for a while. I had to know everything about energy healing… yesterday. Devouring information, I couldn’t read enough books or watch enough videos about energy healing. So many modalities out there, but which one was for me?

I took classes and workshops, learning this, trying that, and had metaphysical experiences along the way. What had been mere curiosity became burning desire to know.

Mere months after waking up, my parents began their major decline in health that lasted a few years until their deaths in 2012, ten months apart. In between handling this crisis or that, I took a class, went to a workshop, experienced energy healing, and connected with the metaphysical realm. I learned how to recognize and listen to my intuition.

As much as it was a tough time, dealing with a child who was struggling in school and hated to go, while doing things like dropping my life and flying across country to take care of my parents for a month with zero notice, getting into the world of healing was my saving grace.

Shortly after my last parent died, the Universe introduced me to a woman who would catapult my own healing into the stratosphere, guiding me to connect within and create amazing changes through the use of what she called “soul-directed” hypnosis. I like to think of it as spiritual hypnosis.

In each session, I was able to address issues and make changes within myself that usually take years or decades for a person to accomplish through talk therapy. So often it felt miraculous.

For the next four years, I worked with this hypnotherapist as life allowed. When I had the time and energy. For a few years, it was only a series of four sessions in the spring. And by the third and fourth year, recognizing the potential in my life, I had more sessions.

With each session, part of what I call my inner disconnection became reconnected with my spirit. Emotional triggers dissolved. Inner peace became more regular, even with people around me becoming upset. Life began to flow like never before.

Then one day a little over three years ago during a healing session, when we were getting to the nugget of an issue, just about the time I expected my upset inner child to let me know she didn’t trust me, causing her to split off from my consciousness years ago, she flipped the script. Instead of my inner child being upset with my adult self, she told me that I (my adult self) didn’t trust God; the God/Creator in me. The part of me that is God/Creator.

Whoa! Mind officially blown!!

Something deep within me woke up and recognized the Creator in me. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I play a major role in the creation of my life. Co-creation actually. Because I’d had so many experiences of making changes in my life from the inside out, something decided it was time to flip the switch and level up.

The next several weeks were a whirlwind of looking at the world through a very different lens. My brain and perspective changed dramatically. And with it, a very powerful energy of creation, Kundalini Energy, cranked open in my body, kicking off my spontaneous Kundalini awakening.

When it began, there were a few nights that I awoke feeling shaking like an earthquake. In fact, I sat bolt upright in bed thinking we were having an earthquake. After a little while, I realized we weren’t. It was Kundalini energy vibrating vigorously in my body.

I began to heal things simply by taking a few moments of quiet meditation, feeling into uncomfortable emotions and allowing the root of the discomfort to come up and be spontaneously healed. No hypnosis needed. As beliefs held deep within shifted and let go, a wave of emotional release would wash over me with cleansing tears, followed by a phrase coming to me. The belief that had been buried and was now dissolved and a spiritual download of information about the belief would come to me.

It was an amazing time. Seeing through the lens of Oneness. Seeing myself in everyone and visa versa. Such love and compassion.

However, as I’ve learned happens with so many intense spontaneous Kundalini Awakenings, the initial stages of bliss and Oneness eventually passed, and what I think of as major excavation began. Everything and anything that lives deep inside that doesn’t resonate with Oneness has been subject to coming up to be healed and let go. And it hasn’t been happening on my life’s schedule, when it’s convenient for me. It was like tsunami after tsunami for almost a year and a half.

Initially, I was so extremely sensitive that merely connecting to a family member when they were upset would trigger things deep in me to spontaneously rise up and be healed, complete with a burst of tears as the energy was released. At first, I couldn’t control it at all. I burst into tears after inadvertently upsetting my husband. I burst into tears when visiting a close friend. What they couldn’t possibly see or know was the tremendous shift that happened inside me, causing me to see things differently after the tears. I was changing quite significantly.

But after each shift, I’d be decimated physically and emotionally. While my brain and body integrated the new energy, I’d experience days or weeks of total exhaustion and experiences of hell.

After a while, I was able to delay the energy shift and subsequent tears until I was in a private space, where I wouldn’t upset those around me who didn’t understand what was going on (my family).

This time was what many call the dark night of the soul. It’s tough. Beyond tough. It’s a time of holding on for deal life, using every tool you have, and praying. A lot. Or meditating. It’s a time when sanity is on the brink and just making it through the day is a feat. It’s a time when many experience all sorts of what’s called ascension sickness. Side effects of a shit ton of energy movement in and out of the body.

With every inner disconnection reconnected, with every old belief let go, the body goes through an energetic shift. The DNA is changed. How it is expressed changes. Muscles and other physiology go through changes, and there is pain. Pain that isn’t indicative of injury, but of the body self-repairing.

I’ve had months of my lymph glands here or there aching, and muscles that never bothered me suddenly aching for a week or three and then being fine again. Some major shifts brought on flu-like symptoms. Chills and sweats without a fever. Stomach rewiring, making me incapable of eating for a few days. (And yes, if something became worrisome, I went to my doctor).

With my energy field experiencing so much shifting, changing, and rewiring, integrating the change has been a whole lot of not fun. Exhaustion. Foggy head. Feeling off-balance. Inability to focus a thought. Experiencing times of fear, anxiety, and paranoia I could simultaneously recognize as not my truth. Because I recognized them as not my truth, I was able to watch really uncomfortable thoughts run through my head without feeling the need to act on them. And eventually they passed.

It’s sort of like having a jar of water with mud on the bottom and using a spoon to scoop out some of the mud. Yes, you’re removing some of the mud to help clarify the water, but the act of scooping up the mud stirs it up, making the entire jar of water appear dirty until things settle out. Integration is waiting for the water to clear up.

The worst has been not feeling like me. I can’t describe it any other way than to say that the internal connection we all have to ourselves, the connection we have when we’re five and when we’re eighty-five that lets us know who we are inside, was gone. It was like I didn’t know who I was because I couldn’t feel me. At first, it was terrifying. And as months passed, it became merely uncomfortable.

As miserable as it is to sit in a pot of sweat, looking at the world through a lens of anxiety, those times seemed to pass and don’t come visiting very often now. But what hasn’t left me in over two years has been exhaustion and a mind that is foggy, muddy, and unfocused. Yes, there have been a few days when clarity came back for a few days, or a few hours a day. Things are improving there very gradually, but it’s not back full-time yet.

And guess what you need to be able to sit and read a book? The ability to focus on it for more than a minute or two at a time. After spending a lifetime voraciously reading book after book, it’s been a shock to the system to not be able to read more than a few paragraphs. In the past three years, I think I’ve read either 1 1/2 or 2 1/2 books. So not me.

And you may have noticed a dearth of posts on this blog. Not only has reading become exceedingly difficult, but so has writing. Ideas pop into my head and immediately disappear. Ideas and inspiration spark a post, and a paragraph or two into it the information highway that is normally free-flowing and running on all cylinders becomes a mudslide, paralyzing all flow. The number of drafts sitting in purgatory is disheartening.

That said, now that I’m about three years and three months into this crazy spiritual Kundalini awakening, things are evolving. They’ve been evolving all the time, but I’m definitely over the worst of it.

Looking at the experience from the 30,000 ft view, it’s rewiring me to see and experience the world very differently. Through eyes of non-judgment and compassion. Not only that, but it’s brought my healing journey to a level I never knew was possible.

Growing up had it’s challenges, and two familial relationships in particular were fraught with dysfunction and pain. One that’s been healed to a point that it feels quite complete, is my complicated relationship with my mentally ill mother. I’ve healed from the pain of it, letting me remember our lives together without feeling anger, sadness, or other painful emotions.

The one I’m still working on is separating my life from an abusive brother. And hopefully, I’ll be completely free from him in the next several weeks.

About three years ago, I healed to the point that I was able, for the first time to recall so many dysfunctional things that transpired between my brother and I without becoming thrown into feelings of rage and powerlessness. And two years ago, another spontaneous inner shift in perception caused the desire to continue our relationship to dissolve in a healing I didn’t see coming.

Suddenly, I no longer wanted what I never had. I never had a loving, caring brother, and I realized (like a sledgehammer blow) that he was never going to change. All attachment to him just left. No anger, no sadness, no regrets, no emotions whatsoever. Just done. Freedom. And in that moment, I knew I had to take steps to disentangle from him.

I have a feeling that once I officially have nothing to do with this brother, another part of my inner child that’s been buried down deep, terrified to be known, will finally feel safe enough to come up and reconnect. A very young part who had to disappear in order for me to survive. I can’t wait to see how life changes. I’m so ready to be through with exhaustion, disconnection, and a muddy and foggy mind.

What constantly blows my mind is that I had a spiritual awakening in the first place, never mind two. I didn’t grow up feeling like something was missing in my life. I’ve never been religious or a spiritual seeker. The only thing I’ve ever wanted was for my son to be less miserable and for me to not eat away my feelings and to feel better. Looking for things to help us feel better led me down this crazy path of spontaneous spiritual awakening. Who knew?

And who knows what’s to come? Time will tell.

Spring Has Sprung, Again!

It’s Tulip Festival time again and this year our festival has been canceled. Because of it, I can’t go see the beautiful flower gardens or park by the fields to photograph acres of blooms. A month of activities has been canceled and the county roads are free not only from many regular drivers but from tourists as well. For locals who live by the fields, they’re happy about less traffic, but the economic hit is felt deeply in this rural farming county. No matter what, I love the flowers and am sharing an old post from 2014. If you want to see even more amazing bulb flowers, the spring of 2016’s post has two to three times the photos of this post. Enjoy! https://mariner2mother.wordpress.com/2016/04/28/spring-tulip-festival-2016/

Life Is A Journey... Not A Guided Tour

Once again, April showers brought rain, rain, and more rain. And around here, all that rain brings muddy fields. Despite all of the mud, the local tulips popped up and bloomed! Much to my pleasant surprise, we had a stretch of about 5 days of sun in a row. On the last day, I dashed over to a local tulip garden and feasted my eyes on this year’s plantings. Just beautiful, as always. Here’s a sampling for you!

I haven’t taken enough nature photos lately, but this was a great day to revel in the splendor of Mother Nature.

*All photos copyrighted.

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Covid 19 Check-In

How’s everyone doing? So much in the world has been changing, and at such a fast pace. Are you safely ensconced at home, or do you have to go out and work? Are you managing to stay healthy? I’m at home with Little Man, Hubby is working, and so far, knock wood, we’re all healthy.

You may know me by mariner2mother, which I created because I used to be a merchant mariner who left working on the sea to become a mother. Well, I met my husband on a ship we were both working on, and he’s still a working marine engineer. Mr. Mariner. His job is considered essential, carrying people and vehicles across Puget Sound, and fortunately, his exposure to the public is minimal because he spends most of his time in the engine room with his crew of four. We are lucky.

Here in the Pacific Northwest, we were affected early on by the Covid 19 virus that’s circling the globe, and our public schools are now closed for the rest of the year, moving to a virtual learning style. My heart is sad for the unbelievable stress teachers, parents, and students are all feeling while they sort out this new learning platform. When so much pressure is put on shoving a ton of information down the throats of growing children for fear of them missing out on something or being behind, I want to give them all a great big hug and remind them things will all work out.

There are only two months of school left, and even if students don’t crack a book for those two months, left to their curiosity and given opportunities, they will learn something. They might learn to sew masks and donate them to their local medical center or neighbors who need them. They might watch YouTube tutorials and learn a musical instrument or how to cook something. Left to their own devices, they might learn a new computer program or two and create avatars in a virtual world online, socializing with friends over distance. (Little Man is a great counselor to his buddies online). Or they might finally learn to wash their hands properly.

They might learn compassion for those who have lost work, or they’re learning how to cope when income is suddenly gone. Or they might get in touch with an elderly neighbor to see if there’s anything they need.

I feel sad for the senior classes who won’t graduate as a group, throwing their mortarboards high in the air. And sad for the kids who will miss trips, camps and other activities they’ve been working towards, earning money for. My girlfriend’s daughter sold enough boxes (well over a thousand!) of Girlscout cookies to pay for a week of camp that’s been canceled.

Other than our school buildings being closed, some stores in my area that are still open to the public are recently limiting the number of people who can be inside at one time. And they’re requesting people wear face masks and gloves.

Because my energetic system has been so very sensitive, ultra-sensitive, for the past few years courtesy of Kundalini energy coursing through it, it shouldn’t surprise me that during a recent healing session part of my inner child who resonated with so much of the world’s stress at the moment, came up to be heard and healed. She was only two years old and was so overwhelmed by the pain of life, being hurt by things she had no control over, she chose to separate from the whole of me and “died”.

She didn’t literally die, but I saw part of my consciousness who looked like me at age two, lying curled up on the floor in complete and utter defeat. She sprouted little angel wings and floated up to heaven. But she left behind her physical body, who we were able to help. We asked for Divine help which arrived in the form of a giant fiery Phoenix. It’s always a surprise to see who shows up because when my hypnotherapist asks for help, it’s an open call to anyone Divine.

It brought me to tears as my inner child finally felt safe and supported, flames burning away fear in all its forms. Hugging one of the huge bird’s legs, my little self morphed before my eyes, growing stronger and becoming more mature moment by moment. She began to stand tall and proud, sprouting some of her own flames! Gone was all fear and despair. Gone were any feelings of weakness or defeat. Like the Phoenix rising from the ashes, my inner child was resurrected from the dead. Her consciousness and vitality came back to me.

My wish for those who may be feeling scared, unsettled, or agitated because of how their life is changing without their permission at this time, is to know you’re going to eventually be ok. No matter what. It might take time, and you may have to calm your inner child when they act up, but one day there will be a new normal.

In the meanwhile, know deep in your heart you’re doing your best, ask for help when you need it, apologize if your inner child acts out all over your family (if you blow up at them), wash your hands and keep breathing!

My Guardian Angel

I forgot I’d already written about one of my guardians, a spirit I knew in life as a classmate when we were younger. I wasn’t really a friend of his, but apparently that doesn’t matter when it comes to spiritual agreements. After this post was published, several months to possibly more than a year later, I was thinking about Danny and remembered a situation I wondered if he had a hand in. In my mid twenties I dated a fellow for a little while, but ended things when I realized he had a problem with alcohol. But while we were seeing each other, he asked me to spend a weekend in Atlantic City. Feeling adventurous and because I’d never been there, I accepted his invitation. Unfortunately, his car’s transmission blew and we never went. When I asked my psychic friend if Danny was involved in the transmission blowing, she saw that yes he had been. She also saw that if I’d gone on the weekend trip I would have either been gravely wounded or killed. She saw it as one of my potential exit points in life. Holy moly!! I believe the exit point was blocked because the trajectory my life was on was a desired one, and there was lots more to be done here.

Please read on and know that some of our guardians are people we knew in life, and as much as many are family who’ve passed on, some are not.

Life Is A Journey... Not A Guided Tour

Last month I spent several weeks away from home, visiting with a dear friend. One of the special things about my friend is that she and I have been sisters in several lifetimes. During a past life regression hypnosis session, I saw part of one of those lifetimes. We share a connection that transcends this lifetime, as soul sisters.

Another special thing about my friend is that she was born with a defect of sorts. The veil that prevents most people from being able to see energy and allows people to live in the 3D world, unable to see beyond it to the world of spirit, didn’t fall for her as she was born. She remains connected to spirit, able to see and hear beings and entities that most people can’t. When she looks at a person, she sees their spirit, their soul energy. She can hear, see, and feel energy…

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