My brain dropped out.
Right out from the bottom. Or was it the top.
It’s gone. Disconnected. But only for a while.
Can’t think. Words swirl around but I can’t grab them.
Second thing to hit my brain this morning was fear.
Buckets of old fear. Revisiting. Damned that shit. I thought it was gone.
I confess my fears, accompanied by tears. Let them all flow and go.
What a fucked up process this is, rewiring my brain.
It’s terrifying to wake up and not feel like me.
To not be able to connect to my own heart.
Sometimes I’m all logical brain with sprinklings of fear and shit thoughts.
And slowly, slowly, my heart and head begin to connect up again
And speak together in new harmonious ways.
Can I eat yet?
My solar plexus area is shifting and changing.
The chakra (energy center) there isn’t fully functional yet.
It’s still trying to connect back in with my body.
Or is my body still morphing and changing – that’s likely it.
I can eat some, but what? Fruit always seems to go down easy.
Veggies? Not many. Carrot sticks. Green olives chopped into hummus.
Potato, but only as chips, and not too greasy.
Meat? No. Can’t stomach meat right now. Grains? Nope.
Nuts and seeds? Maybe later. Deep dark chocolate? Later.
Trying to eat is a challenge because my body can only handle certain foods sometimes.
Like right now.
In four or five hours it might be completely different. Or not.
There is no regular or normal right now.
Inspiration strikes! An idea moves me into action.
Birds actually. Trying to steal all my blueberries
Before they even get a chance to ripen.
Run outside and take photos, getting inspired to write.
But my brain isn’t much more than a bunch of brain droppings right now.
Barely able to maintain a train of thought.
The train keeps leaving the station without me.
Feeling like a toddler needing a nap after only three hours of stimulation.
Time to shut down again.
This is a snapshot of what it’s like to be inside my head, looking through my eyes today. With this Kundalini Awakening process going on, it affects my physical energy, my emotions, and my DNA. Because my DNA is shifting and changing, sometimes very significantly, my physiology, is changing. And what’s most difficult to handle is changes in brain wiring. That means my ability to think, come up with words, eat, sleep, maintain constant body temperature, coordinate all of my body’s muscles, maintain a stream of thought for more than thirty seconds, and some days, to even know who I am – to feel like myself- is gone (or off kilter).
We are much more than our physical bodies. We have a template (for lack of a better word) that consists of energy, that informs (creates and maintains connected to) our body.
Think of the space around and throughout your body as pure energy. That energy works with your DNA to decide what your body looks like, and how it functions. That energy is biophotonic (light energy that is alive). That energy carries feelings and emotions. Those are your feelings and emotions. That energy carries information that our brains pick up on all the time, without even trying. These bits of information are ideas. That energy stream that creates each one of us and keeps us alive is what we also call our spirit or soul.
But using the word energy stream isn’t really correct, because it makes it sound like an individual thing, when yes, we do perceive of ourselves as very distinct individuals, and yet beyond our physical perception, we are part of one contiguous energy mass (that really has about zero mass). Yo! We really, truly, are all connected. Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t true for someone else.
Beyond our physical perception, we’re all part and parcel of one gigantic energy blog that is not only us (human beings), but this same blob informs (creates) everything. Planet earth, other planets, stars, and other forms of energy that we are aware of. (And some of these can’t be measured with instrumentation yet because our instruments aren’t sensitive enough). I’ve connected in a few different ways to this gigantic energy blog (through my heart’s energy), and what’s really cool is that I can actually converse with it because it has consciousness like we do.
But when the energy isn’t existing as a physical thing, it is completely open to becoming anything. It is quite literally unlimited possibility. (All of that “empty space” and “air” around you isn’t empty). Not only is it able to become anything, it has all of the intelligence and information through all time. We all contribute to this field of intelligence simply by existing. By being. So it’s ever-expanding.
My favorite thing about this energy is how it feels. Describing how it feels is a bit like trying to describe an orgasm, but the closest words I have are limitless acceptance, compassionate understanding, absolute nonjudgment. It allows all, accepts all, judges nothing. It feels like the most indescribable love, on steroids, ever. Oh, and when you get the energy of your brain and heart in exquisite alignment with this energy, it actually feels orgasmic. That’s what an orgasm is: not only a physical/emotional sensation, but it’s a moment when your head and heart are lined up with this energy that I’ve been describing.
(I just noticed my ability to write paragraphs instead of short phrases. Eating something probably made the difference. It’s hard to maintain one single stream of thought.)
So yes. We are so much more than our physical bodies. And as I’ve been going through this Kundalini experience, my awareness is changing. When I look out my eyeballs, what I notice and pay attention to is different. And how I process/ perceive/ think about/ feel about my world is changing.
Emotions that have been stuck with me, recycling as they become triggered, are coming up hard and fast. I have little to no ability to suppress them anymore. I have no choice in the matter. Feelings bubble up. My heart connects into the old pain from my past – from when it first became stuck with me – and I cry it out. Again and again. But this time, instead of temporarily tapping into the pain for a visit, I’m able to unravel the knot that was holding the pain in the first place, allowing years of crap go, further changing my DNA. And once again, my physiology and brain wiring changes.
And the song and dance goes on.
Thank God my family is understanding and patient with me and with this process.
One of the newer things I’m noticing over the past few days is words and phrases bubbling up and out of my mouth before I have a prayer of a chance to edit them. The editor in my brain is offline right now. This will make for interesting public interactions. I wonder how long this shit will go on.
I’m going to let this go here because I keep losing my train of thought. And if I let this sit until tomorrow, it will join the few dozen drafts I’ve been trying to complete over the past four months.
Oh yeah. That “energy” I was describing: the one that exists all around us all the time – the one that creates us and contributes to our ability to be alive – it has many, many names. The most common one I use is God. But because most people’s idea of God and my idea of God are so very far apart, it’s a challenge to know what to call it. I like to call it love because that’s what it feels like. And I like to call it light because that’s what it (I) looks like in my mind’s eye.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I’m just thankful that I’ve decided to put something out there, even if it’s not my old/ usual fair. My old is way gone right now, and I have no idea when my new normal will be in place. It might be in a few weeks, months, or years. There’s no way of knowing right now.
Thanks for following my wonky journey! Life certainly is an adventure, if nothing else!
[Must shut down completely now. Train of thought is leaving the station without me again.]