Turning Bleeping Fifty

I started a post several days ago, when I was feeling all optimistic and happy with the world, about turning fifty – which I do tomorrow, September 9th. It was filled with all sorts of positive things and how my life has gone nothing like I’d imagine it would go back when I was a young and ignorant teenager. Despite the shit storm I lived through during my jr. high school and high school years, I still had idealistic fantasies about growing up, getting married, having 3.2 kids, a dog, and a house with a white picket fence. Boy, was I living in la la land. That’s what having no personal boundaries will do to you. You live everyone else’s ideas and dreams except your own, and you don’t even know your own.

birthday cake

What I’ve learned is that when I was a teenager, I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined what my life would look like at 50. Not a clue in hell. In a lot of ways, my life is better than I could imagine. And in other ways, when you are young, you can never appreciate how your body will age and deteriorate without your consent.

Just the other day, I decided to really check out the lines around my eyes. Not too bad yet. I am cursed to have oily skin the occasional zit, still. But on the plus side, it’s delaying major face wrinkles. The backs of my hands aren’t so lucky. They look a good 15 years older than they should. Sun damage is for real kids.

As I was inspecting my eye area, I noticed a white eyebrow hair, and then another. WTF? White eyebrow hairs? What’s next, white eyelashes? I guess those few rogue hairs slipped down from my hairline, where I have salt and pepper hair on top.

Then, just last night, as I brushed my teeth, I notice a white hair protruding from above my lip, to the outside of my mouth. It stuck out about 3 times further than any other facial hair has dared to stick out. A true rebel. I just hope this isn’t the beginning of a trend that will soon look an awful lot like a mustache.

Breaking bones and having surgery is not for the middle-aged. Having all of that fun over a year ago, I still have swelling and aches, reminding me that I’m no spring chicken anymore.

WalterAnd people make a big deal out of bad backs for a reason. They are cranky, easily irritated, and remind me of Jeff Dunham’s irascible Walter.

Along with bad backs and arthritic joints comes sleep apnea and interrupted sleep. I long for the days when I would wake up completely rested and refreshed. I guess that’s what they make coffee for. Too bad I can’t stand the stuff.

The year before my fiftieth also brought more and new health challenges. But thanks to what I’ve learned over the past four years about energy medicine and applying it directly to my life, I’ve overcome type 2 diabetes, and I’m releasing excess weight fairly easily. Sixty-six pounds gone so far. Yay me!

Woe be unto the person who tries to punch through my personal boundaries today. I stand firmly with both feet on the ground (most of the time).

fun shoes

Speaking of feet, I’ve learned that as I’ve aged, my feet have spread out. And as much as I’d love to wear these cute shoes, no way in hell am I going to sacrifice comfort for style by cramming my tootsies into medium width shoes when they need and deserve wides. My feet have gone through too much to wear shoes that will make them hurt.

dansko shoes

So, instead, I found these cuties and bought them!





As I sit here on the eve of my fiftieth birthday, my body is definitely feeling it’s age; but I wouldn’t go back to being twenty-five for anything (other than having a non-achy body). I’ve survived hell and have risen far about it. I’ve discovered and lived some of my dreams. I know myself more and more all the time. I have come so far, had so many life experiences, changed and grown so very much that I can only imagine how much more I’ll grow in the next several years. I’m claiming and owning every single day of these fifty years.

Me two days before my fiftieth!

Me two days before my fiftieth!



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Our Time By the Ocean

Little Man and I spent a few weeks on the Maine coast, overlooking the Atlantic. It was so good to be back there, to my former home, where I started my life of working on the ocean back in the late 80’s.

We spent time on and in the water, visiting with old friends, and taking in some tourist activities. I also spent some time scraping and painting trim on the cottage. It had belonged to my parents, and now that they’re both gone, the neglected maintenance is demanding our attention. Rotting wood and peeling  paint are finally being tended to. As I’ve scraped, sanded and painted on the cottage before (years ago), it was pleasantly familiar to renew and refresh some of the trim.

One of Little Man’s passions is lighthouses. And there are definitely lighthouses a plenty in the area. And we took in a number of them, via boat and by land. Little Man loves driving a boat and was in heaven being able to use his uncle’s.

Another one of Little Man’s passions is trains. And there is a narrow gauge steam train that runs around a loop of track all summer long. The track surrounds a small village created by some historic buildings in the area that were moved there, such as an old town hall, a small school-house, and more. There is also a large building filled with antique cars and a few trucks. Visiting here is a must when we’re in town.

One of the big treats for me being at the cottage, was watching sunrise. And because the room I was sleeping in faced the ocean and didn’t have a shade, I woke up bright and early on every sunny day we were there; usually between 4:30am and 5:00am. I’m such a shutterbug that when I see a sky pinking up in anticipation of the sun coming up, instead of pulling the covers over my head or putting on an eye shade, I grabbed my camera and started snapping away. Here are some of my favorite shots. And I threw in a sunset that we caught our last night there.

One day after Little Man had been down at the dock for a swim, he came back to the cottage, telling me that someone had come by and knew who he was. He was amazed by the number of people that we bumped into or had over, who not only know me, but who’ve known me since I was a baby. Growing up, I spent every summer vacation at the cottage. And when I was a few years out of college, I lived there while I began my career working on the ocean. Once I was shipping out I didn’t get back there much, but friends of the family were able to keep up on my adventures through my parents. There is a little summer chapel right near the cottage where my husband and I were married, and Little Man was christened.

It was surreal to be back at the cottage with neither of my parents alive. This was the first time I’d been there since the death of my mother, as I went nowhere last summer. We are now the elder generation in residence, and have taken on the roll of caretaker.

Here is a final assortment of photos from around the area for you to enjoy. (All photos were taken by me and are copyrighted by me, unless otherwise specified. If you want to use one, just ask.)

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Summer Adventures and a Quick Update

Welcome back! I’ve been gone a while because we went on a trip across country to my husband’s family in Tennessee.

Hubster grew up in the mountains where the states of Tennessee, North Carolina, and Virginia come together. Some of his friends that he went to school with still live there, and always have a barbecue when we come in to visit. We enjoyed catching up, celebrating with lots of good food and fireworks.

When we weren’t visiting friends and extended family, we were hanging out at my sister-in-law’s home and enjoying her pool.

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We took in some of the local sights, one of our favorites being Bristol Caverns. It’s a nice cool place to visit on a hot day, maintaining a constant 60 degrees. Walking the cavern tour is less than an hour, and was just the ticket for Little Man.

One attraction we always visit is Tweetsie Railroad.  Tweetsie is a theme park that was created around a steam train ride.  The train ride becomes an adventure with good guys and bad guys from the old west acting out a robbery. There are town shops and restaurants, as well as live entertainment, carnival rides and games, and an area to feed deer, goats, and other critters. It was a fun time, made even more fun for Little Man because we brought a friend for him to hang with. Because the park isn’t too big, we were able to see all of it in a day. On the way home, we always stop at Troy’s Diner in Boone, NC, for a meal and a milkshake. Well, I skipped the milkshake, but enjoyed my meal.

Our time spent in Tennessee was relaxing and a welcome change of pace. One thing I noticed in particular, was how mellow I was during the whole visit. With all of the (positive) changes I’ve been going through, things that used to make me bristle a little bit, didn’t affect me. It was so surprising and lovely!

While we were there, I was able to stick with my eating plan; eating my way out of diabetes. A few days after we got home, I had blood work done to check my blood sugar and a few other things. Very jubilantly, I am pleased as punch to say that I no longer have diabetes. My blood sugar is happy, happy, happy. Food cravings have become a thing of the past. And my body is course correcting, slimming down, and feeling better and better. I intend to continue to eat in a way that will sustain healthy and happy blood sugar levels, while allowing me to slim down to a weight that suits my body best.

In a week, Little Man and I are off on yet another adventure. This time to the coast of Maine, to hang out with my family. Stay tuned!


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Coming Back to Life

The title of this post, Coming Back to Life, is what I’ve been feeling lately. Things that I have been working toward for the past few years are finally coming into fruition. I think that in some way, I’ve needed a catalyst to jump-start me, and being diagnosed with diabetes has been a catalyst.

For the past two months, I have been eating differently than I’ve ever eaten in my life. As a lifelong dieter, I am familiar with the Grapefruit Diet, the Mayo Clinic Diet, the 1200 Calorie a day diet that I got from an official diet doctor (when I was 15), the Lowfat Diet, and Weight Watchers. I’ve lost and gained back hundreds of pounds. About ten years ago, when I was once again trying to jump on the Weight Watchers bandwagon, and couldn’t even hold on for more than two days, something in me snapped. I realized that food for me was more than just nutrition and comfort. It was a deeply emotionally connected addiction. And I recognized that I would never be able to lose weight and keep it off until I dealt with the underlying cause.

In order to uncover and heal things going on so deep inside me that I wasn’t conscious of them, I chose to use a healing method that gets right down to the subconscious level: hypnosis. After learning about energy medicine or energy work as it’s also called, I knew that this was a key piece of the puzzle. Sometimes, our issues are deeper and older than just this lifetime. This is where energy work is fabulous. It transcends time and distance.

So, I’ve been reading and learning about us, as humans, and us, as souls that inhabit a human body, and learning about why we choose to come into life, and learning about this thing called healing, and pieces are starting to fall into place. Along the way of this thing called life, we have experiences where a piece of our energy becomes split off from us, and that bit gets stuck in that experience that split it off. An example for me would be an instance when I was little and my mother went off on me for no reason that my little brain could comprehend. Part of me freaked out and assumed that I must have done something wrong, or that something about me was bad. This little piece became separated from my core essence and forever held on to the belief that I was bad. As I grew up, from time to time, something would trigger me and this little belief would pop up, wanting to be heard. The adult me didn’t recognize what was going on and just knew that she was triggered into uncomfortable feelings. Something else that I learned at a very young age, was that sugar was soothing to me. So, put together feeling uncomfortable and the idea that sugar is soothing, and you have set up a pattern of behaviors where in order to quiet an uncomfortable feeling, I would eat. Because this was merely palliative, it became an endless cycle.

In “healing” things like this, I have uncovered what’s going on and have changed the patterns. I have transmuted the old beliefs by re-educating the young me during hypnosis sessions. Right now I am seeing that the thoughts, beliefs, and patterns that had set me up for emotional eating, are healed. When I’ve been frustrated or angry recently, my thoughts turn to food for about 30 seconds. Then I realize that I don’t want to eat, I’m just pissed off. There is no gut wrenching drive or desire to stick a piece of toast or pieces of licorice in my mouth, or to eat half a bag of tortilla chips and salsa. The ties that used to twist me into knots over food, have been severed.

I am able to stick with my current eating plan with ease. The biggest thing is planning ahead, by bringing a meal or snacks with me when I’ll need them. Or knowing which options for a meal on the go will work for me. It’s actually fun now to feel my body truly be hungry.

All of the work I’ve been doing towards healing my food addiction has also impacted my life in other ways that are fun to be experiencing. Big projects around our home, that I put off for years because they seemed overwhelming, are finally happening. I am physically moving my butt and getting things done. Change (in very good ways) is happening.

Having established healthy emotional and personal boundaries has also been a huge part of my healing. There are many things that I will no longer tolerate. I have learned that it is not only healthy, but very necessary to be aware of what truly are my responsibilities. I had a bad habit of taking on responsibilities that were not mine, and losing a bit of myself in the process. Having a child has been a fantastic exercise in boundary keeping, and it continues to be.

Finally, my favorite side effect of my new eating plan is the weight that is coming off (30 lbs. so far), and feeling like I’m getting my former physically fit body back. It’s not back yet, and might take many months, but I’m definitely on my way. Because I am feeling on the inside like I’m fit and trim, I know that it’s only a matter of time and doing before the outside matches the inside. And it’s all very exciting.

Posted in Energy Therapy, Holistic Healing, Hypnosis, Spirituality, The Voyage | Tagged , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Happy 4th Blogiversary to Me!

A few days ago when I was checking my WP reader, there was a weird symbol in the box that lets me know someone has connected with me in some way (commented, liked, etc.). I didn’t recognize this symbol, and when I clicked on it, WP notified me that four years ago,  I started this blog. Wow! Where has the time gone? On the other hand, a lot of life has happened in those four short years, and I’ve changed a butt ton.

Underway replenishment of 2 ships simultaneously. What I used to do.

Underway replenishment of 2 ships simultaneously. What I used to do.

It got me curious to see just what I wrote about on my first entry, and what I was writing about back then. So if you’re curious too, here it is. I started this blog by introducing myself and using the first several entries to talk about my voyage from being a merchant mariner to becoming a mother. And shared some parenting tips that I learned from an awesome parenting philosophy called Positive Discipline. One of the posts that I particularly like talks about the Spanking Debate and why, for me, spanking (or any other corporal punishment) is not an option.

In one post I shared a parenting tip and a sea story that demonstrated what happens to someone when they aren’t taught how to problem solve as they grow up. Here I was, with a group of (grown adult) merchant mariners, and one of them was more like a toddler having a tantrum.

After writing about becoming a mom and discovering that my son has Sensory Processing Disorder, something called Energy Therapy fell into my lap. When I discovered that this magical thing, invisible to the naked eye and even to the electron microscope, could affect real change in both me and in Little Man, the curiosity in me jumped up with both ears at full attention. I wanted to learn more about it.

meditationI finally got up the nerve to write about one of my hypnosis experiences. This was one of the biggies that showed me that we do exist before we are born, and we actually plan our life’s challenges. I had read a little bit about this, but having it happen quite unexpectedly during a hypnosis session blew my mind.

About a year and a half into blogging, I discovered the feature Freshly Pressed. As I was perusing the posts, the title She’s a Maineiac jumped out at me because I lived in Maine for a time. After reading and discovering a few things we had in common, I discovered that she used Reiki to help her son (same age as mine, also with SPD) calm down and be able to relax. I had no idea what Reiki was, but on that alone, I found a local Reiki class and took it. After all, doesn’t a mother do anything and everything to help her young child?

Becoming Reiki attuned initiated big life shifts including awakening spiritually, and my posts reflected it. There were many more entries about healing, including this amazing Reiki experience I had at a gathering where Reiki practitioners donate their time to give healings to the public on a walk-in basis. It’s a great way for people to give it a try if they’re new to it.

photo of Little Man with puzzle pieces out

Searching for pieces of the puzzle that is my son.

For my son, second through fourth grade years were a nightmare in school. He spent days in tears and anguish. And as his mother, I was also in anguish. His teachers were not capable of identifying what was going on with him, and they were not interested in hearing my woes about how hard it was at home to get him to go to school and to try to get him to do homework. Here’s one of my posts about trying to figure out the puzzle that is my son and how to best help him.

The summer of 2011 began my involvement in taking care of my aging and ailing parents. My father was diagnosed with prostate cancer somewhere around 1987 and with a variety of treatments, lived with it for another 25 years. But that summer was the beginning of the end. For the next year and a half, my life would be consumed with parental responsibility (my parents, that is) and flying across country a number of times to deal with them. Many of my posts between Aug. 2011 and the very beginning of 2013 chronicle this part of the journey. When I was forced to deal with things I had never had to deal with before, fear used to be the first thing to come up in me. But with my healing work and new spiritual education, I was able to see just how much I was growing and changing, especially when both of my parents ended up in the hospital at the same time and I dropped my life for a month to be with them. Things like synchronicity, trust and confidence became part of my daily existence.

photo by Just Us 3 on Flickr

photo by Just Us 3 on Flickr

After Dad died, Mom’s bipolar went out of control. First she flew into mania so high and fast that nothing could stop her. I wrote a poem when she reached insanity. Eventually, after a hospital stay, meds and time, she came down hard and fast into depression that never lifted. Ten months after Dad died, Mom took her life. She couldn’t handle life without him.

Having dealt with both of my parents deaths and the emptying and sale of my childhood home in March of 2013, it was time to shift my attention back to dealing with Little Man taking care of my family and resuming life. After about 10 days of summer vacation bliss, I broke my foot and shredded a tendon. I guess that was the universe’s way of telling me to sit down and take a load off for a while. So I did. Surgery followed by months of physical therapy and acupuncture ensued.

With the new year of 2014 and my foot being a bit better, I decided to delve deep, back into working on myself, using both hypnotherapy and a local medical intuitive. During one of the hypnotherapy sessions, we looked at my issue with body image and did some very powerful healing. I wrote about it for a fellow blogger, Liz, on Big Body Beautiful.

Other than writing about my life as a mother, daughter, spiritual being and survivor, I absolutely love photography. Here’s a post filled with beautiful flowers for you to enjoy! Thanks so much for joining me along the adventure that is my life’s journey.

Mount Baker Tulips

Posted in Energy Therapy, Holistic Healing, Hypnosis, Mental Illness, Photography, Positive Discipline, Sensory Processing Disorder, Spirituality, The Voyage | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

Throw Back Thursday: Preschool Retrospective

I enjoy taking part in Throw Back Thursday on Facebook, and when I look at this picture, the entire story around it comes back.

boy on tricycleThis was Little Man’s first school picture, taken when he was still two years old and attending a preschool for kids with developmental delays.

At that point in his life, Little Man had been the subject of many of my photographs, and they were all candid. I never said to him, “Say cheese!” I waited for the opportunity and caught him smiling or laughing, or concentrating while doing something.

Just weeks before this picture was taken, Little Man entered this special preschool. In order to qualify, Little Man was tested in six areas of development and was found to have delays in five. The one that wasn’t delayed was large motor skills. Go figure. His nickname was Motor Boy.

When this picture was taken, Little Man was receiving speech and occupational therapies. Even though he thought he was talking up a storm, what was coming out of his mouth were a handful of words and a lot of jargon. Eventually, the idea of words and language would click in his head. To this day, when he gets really tired, he sometimes struggles to get the right words out.

young boy sitting in sinkAbout this time I discovered that Little Man was photogenic. I’d heard that term thrown around, but finally appreciated it.

Back to the day the preschool picture was taken. As you can see, the photographer had a few props to set the scene. She had each child sit in the little chair, with the bookcase on one side and the tricycle on the other.  She had flash umbrellas set up and her camera on a tripod. We had Little Man sit, and the photographer said, “Say cheese!” The poor kid didn’t know what was going on, as his teacher and I were both there trying to get him to smile for the camera. Pretty soon I saw his left foot reaching out towards the tricycle. A moment later, he climbed on it and joyfully tried to ride off into the sunset. I stopped him, grabbing the handle bars, and pushed him back into frame. The second I jumped back behind the flash umbrella, the photographer hit the shot. I bet it was the best one she got that year.

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Healing Diabetes With Love

I’ve studied energy healing and how things work, long enough to realized that when my blood sugar became a serious issue about six weeks ago, it was not only a physical sign of things out of whack, but also an energetic sign that things were out of whack.

I also know that when the universe presents something like this to me, it’s time to either sit up, listen and make changes, or to keep doing the same things I’ve always done. If I choose to stay on this same road, my weight will continue to slowly increase over time, my blood sugar and liver will not be happy, my doctor will put me on metformin, eventually my cholesterol and blood pressure will not be happy either, and I’ll be put on meds for those too. I will have more and more challenges with my joints due to carrying more weight and having arthritis, and I will most likely physically slow down until that lump you see sitting in a chair, is me. This is an option.

Not liking the looks of that option, I decided to follow my doctor’s advice and pick up a book called Blood Sugar Solution, by Dr. Mark Hyman. Not only did I buy the book, I actually read it and am following (most of) what’s in it. Drastically changing the way I’ve been used to eating is a little bit intense, but thanks to all of the energy work I’ve done over the past several years (and especially this past winter and spring), it’s happening fairly easily. Just need to remember to get in enough veggies. Boy does my body remind me when I don’t!

So now I’m eating right and getting my body moving more often, but the other week I wondered what my body had to say about why it was having this blood sugar problem. After all, our physical ailments, at least chronic ones like this, begin to show up in our energy field long before they become a physical problem. I wanted to know what was going on that brought this into my energy field and my body, so my hypnotherapist, Lia, lead me through a session to find out.

Once Lia had me deeply relaxed and focused, she asked me to bring in a guide to help me ask my body what was going on that caused my high blood sugar, and one came in. When she asked if the guide had anything he wanted to tell me right off, he said, “This will be easy peasy.” At the time, we hadn’t done anything, so I was intrigued by this.

Lia guided me to create a space shuttle type of vehicle that could travel throughout my body without hurting anything, and then she had me and my guide get in it. I knew that the next directive was going to be to travel to the part of the body that needed to be heard. Before we got into the craft, my awareness was already taken straight to my heart. The first thing I saw was my physical heart, beating, and it was bruised, battered and black and blue in places. It was struggling, and most of all, it was extremely sad. It was filled with sorrow, and I cried. I became my heart and asked, “Why don’t you love me?”

Viewing the scene from above, I saw my guide and me there, looking at my heart, so filled with sadness. I was surprised to notice that I was young- around four or five, and I was sad for my heart. I apologized again and again, telling it how sorry I was and told it that I had never learned to love my heart.

Here’s where my guide came in. He helped Young Me to open her heart and in a moment she knew that all she had to do was look up and let divine love, the love of God, pour into it. Easy peasy. As soon as love filled her heart, I noticed that Young Me started to grow up and became a young teenager. She looked over at my heart again, but this time the bruises were gone. The heart was beating with vitality and was filled with red blood. It was vibrant with energy and so very happy.

I realized that as a young, sensitive girl, because of experiencing a lot of pain, I had closed my heart and shut myself off from it. My guide reminded me that there are many ways to open your heart to love and compassion. It’s as easy as spending time in nature or even looking at a picture or painting of nature. Puppies, kittens and babies of all kinds open our hearts. Being grateful opens your heart. Even tragedies open our hearts to others.

After seeing my heart become so alive and happy, I realized that I could send that same love energy throughout the rest of my body. First, I bathed my entire torso cavity, where all my internal organs were, with love. My organs were so happy that they danced. Then they partied! In fact, I heard conga music.

Expanding the love outward to the rest of my body, I got the message that in bathing my organs with love, it was bathing them in the frequency of the divine, the frequency at which they were created perfectly and whole. And as I did this and repeatedly continue to do this, all of the lower frequency miscreations that have been held in my physical body and organs, can easily drop away. Anger that has been stored in my liver for years is leaving my body. And anything else that is no longer necessary is moving out.

It was a very powerful session! The big message received is that it’s important to continue to love myself. That means bring the energy of the divine (the energy of creation, that is love) into my body, and physically taking care of and honoring myself by eating well, getting enough sleep, and getting regular exercise.

In early July, my doctor will repeat blood tests to see if I still qualify as diabetic. I am expecting to have normal results.


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Thoughts on Mother’s Day and Motherhood

I know that I missed Mother’s Day with this post. I was away for the weekend with my husband and Little Man, taking advantage of a friend’s beachside timeshare. As it’s only May and we’re not exactly in Florida, the only swimming we did was in a heated pool, with the occasional dip in the hot tub. Being across the street from a wonderful beach, we walked it several times, checking out rocks and shells, and enjoying being by the salt water. It was a fun weekend getaway that we all needed.

seaside beach

Motherhood can be a loaded word. Some mother/child relationships are better than others, and some are downright complicated. When I was growing up, my expectations of motherhood were to be married by my mid-20’s and have 3 kids by my early 30’s. Beyond that, I didn’t have any details. I figured I’d have good relationships with my children, and life would be good.

My own relationship with my mother was very complicated. When mom was not depressed or manic, she was a great mother. I remember her sewing us matching dresses and skirts when I was little. And she always cooked us home cooked dinners. She dragged took us to church and sent us to Sunday School. Because she was a professional violinist, she introduced us to music when we were very young. And at eight, when I had an opportunity to learn a musical instrument, I chose violin. Mom and I even played musical jobs together when I was in high school.

When mom’s mental illness dragged her down into depression, she struggled to be a mother. I’m sure she struggled to just be. I don’t have any memories of her depression when I was little, but I’ve spoken to friends of mom, who described her being severely depressed at times back then. Having a mother who struggled to make it from day-to-day might explain why I learned to cook when I was about six. I remember making my parents breakfast in bed: scrambled eggs, toast, and Sanka. Usually, our breakfast was cold cereal, toast and orange juice. We kids could do it all for ourselves.

The bad times were when mom was manic. When she flipped into mania, she changed. Badly. She would become paranoid and delusional. If I did or said something that rubbed her the wrong way, or when I was little, if I fussed, she would go off on me with a tongue as sharp as a Ginsu knife. She would slice and dice me up. And it cut me deep. Because they were unexpected, her attacks were like lightning strikes. I have blocked this out of my young memories, but have experienced her viciousness at about 2 years old when I was in hypnosis. I certainly remember her going off on me when I was a teenager, and that was when I first started to stand up for myself. She kept this up until her last manic episode (that landed her in a mental hospital for the fourth or fifth time).

When I finished college and headed out into the world, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and I was no where close to finding a husband. In fact, my dream of starting a family by my mid-20’s died when at 26 I entered a military styled maritime college. My social life was put on hold.

Marriage didn’t happen until I was 36, and when I became pregnant, I was thrilled beyond belief. But I suffered an early miscarriage. It tore my heart out, and I sunk into depression. Several months after the miscarriage, I got pregnant again, and this time, it took.

I had all sorts of expectations of what motherhood would be for me. I planned to have a natural childbirth and to nurse for at least a year. I planned to introduce my child to music when he was young, and to sports soon after. I expected my child to do well in school and to enjoy reading and writing as much as I do. A famous expression comes to mind: “You want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans.” He must have laughed heartily at my plans.

Pregnancy brought nausea all day long for the first few months. And about a month after feeling better, I started to become pretty uncomfortable. No natural childbirth for me. In fact, my son entered this world via a totally unexpected emergency C-section. He was born seven weeks early and had a host of developmental delays and brain processing issues that were discovered when he was two. He was such a busy toddler that there was no taking him to the library for story time or any little kid music classes. When he started elementary school, it became evident that reading and writing were going to be big challenges for him (as well as math). With his anxiety, he’s never wanted to participate in any organized kids activities, including sports, scouting, karate, summer camp, and more. I have learned when it comes to my son, I have no expectations any more. I follow his lead and let him surprise me.

One thing I never expected about being a mother is how hard it has been at times. It’s been incredibly hard sometimes. But I also never expected how amazingly close my son and I are. And I never expected for my child to be such an amazing catalyst for my personal growth. In my relentless searching for ways to help him, I’ve discovered ways to help myself heal from the damaging parts of my childhood. It still blows my mind, thinking about it. One thing that was validating, was to have my mother compliment me, telling me what a good job I was doing raising my son. That felt good.

When I think about Mother’s Day and my own mother, it’s with very mixed emotions. I’m still working on moving past the hurt and pain. However, when I think about my being a mother with all of it’s challenges and all of the growth that has come, I am honored and amazed. Happy Mother’s Day Little Man. I love you to the moon and back.

the moon



*Note: All photographs are copyrighted by me.

Posted in Energy Therapy, Holistic Healing, Mental Illness, Sensory Processing Disorder, The Voyage | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Spring Has Sprung, Again!

Once again, April showers brought rain, rain, and more rain. And around here, all that rain brings muddy fields. Despite all of the mud, the local tulips popped up and bloomed! Much to my pleasant surprise, we had a stretch of about 5 days of sun in a row. On the last day, I dashed over to a local tulip garden and feasted my eyes on this year’s plantings. Just beautiful, as always. Here’s a sampling for you!

Tulips and the Olympics


border garden of tulips


beautiful array of colors


double petal tulip


playing with design


orange tulips


tulip red and white


purple and yellow


salmon parrot tulip


tree surrounded by tulips


tulips at the fence line


fiesta of color


I haven’t taken enough nature photos lately, but this was a great day to revel in the splendor of Mother Nature.

*All photos copyrighted.


Posted in Photography | Tagged , , , | 17 Comments

Putting It All Together or Holy Shit It’s Working!

I have been battling with my weight for all of my adult life. When I was a preteen, I thought I was too heavy and started a long history of yo-yo dieting. The last formal diet I went on was fourteen years ago, when I lost close to 50 lbs. going to Weight Watchers meetings and following their program. After those pounds came back, with several of their buddies, I realized that dieting was not the answer for me, and I stopped (thus beginning a long slow trend of gaining more weight).

It was about that time that I realized that I was an “emotional eater.” I ate if I was happy, sad, upset, bored, frustrated, celebrating, you name it. I was totally hooked on fast carbs – pasta, bread, white rice, potatoes, and sugar. For the first time in my life, back in 2000 I decided to try to figure out what was driving my emotional eating. I decided to try hypnosis. The first hypnotherapist I worked with didn’t have experience with helping people unwind and uncover what was behind an addiction. But she did give me the grace of experiencing my highest self during one amazing hypnosis session.

Since then I discovered Energy Medicine and the myriad of modalities it encompasses. What I have used Energy Medicine for was to look under my waking consciousness, to ferret out beliefs that have been driving my behaviors, to change these beliefs and let go of unwanted behaviors. I discovered that not only my subconscious affects how I react in situations, but that energies that I have inherited (such as karmic chains) affect me. I have learned why my body needed to carry extra weight and have worked on those issues. A year ago, I found a hypnotherapist who was an excellent fit for me. Through working with her, I’ve made some really big gains. One big step was creating personal boundaries.

I grew up in a situation where it was not possible for me to create personal boundaries. Now that I’m an adult and have learned a few things (and have used hypnosis to visit my younger self to re-educate her) I have established some pretty good boundaries. In doing so, I have learned to honor myself first and to be aware of my responsibilities to myself. With that, I have created the sturdy foundation from which to give to others.

So, I’ve been a busy little beaver, working away on myself, sometimes more intensely, and at other times, taking a bit of a break. Then, a few months back my naturopathic doctor quit the practice and I was left to see the one doctor left (until 2 others joined recently). I had a follow-up visit and my new doctor was concerned about some of my blood work. She wanted to see me back in six weeks for another round of testing. Those results came in and with them came news that was hard to hear. My A1C (3 month average of blood sugar) put me square into the range of being diabetic.

For the past few years, my fasting blood sugar had put me into the range of being prediabetic a few times. But then I’d reform my eating habits and all would be well. In fact, when I got this latest news I was very surprised. I’d been eating well, or so I thought. I’d been clearing out a lot of old emotional stuff, doing energy work. My fasting blood sugar was only one point above the acceptable range, just one test before. WTF happened??

I don’t know why all of a sudden things took a down turn. But I marched out of my doctor’s office freaking out on one hand and excited to follow a plan, on the other. I bought a book that my doc told me to get (The Blood Sugar Solution), and implemented its plan, with the goal of decreasing my insulin resistance, and thus lowering my blood sugar. I go back for a follow-up A1C blood test in 3 months.

The food plan is quite strict for six weeks, and then relaxes just a bit after that. My doctor gave me a food journal to keep for at least a few weeks, so she can see what I’ve been eating along the way. For now, I am to eat protein at every meal and low carb vegetables. No starchy veggies. No grains. No fruit, except for 1/2 cup of dark berries once a day. No sugar or sweeteners. And I have found out that my body doesn’t do well with artificial sweeteners, so none of them for me, either. The plan calls for no dairy for the first six weeks: to see if a person is sensitive to it – but I already know that I am, and I eat no dairy anyway. The plan also calls for no gluten during the first six weeks, to see if you are sensitive to it. I know from blood work that I am not sensitive to it.

Are you freaking out about the “can’t eat” list? I did a little bit at first, especially because I think of myself as not a big veggie eater. Then I focused on what I could eat. Once I had a list of what I could eat, I put one foot in front of the other and came up with meals. I was wondering how things would go, not being able to eat the foods I had craved for a lifetime: bread and pasta. Much to my pleasant surprise, it’s been easy. Not eating any sugar or sweetener? Not too hard. Not enjoying my coconut ice cream after dinner? Easy. Not eating any Easter candy? Easy. In fact, when I was loading up a few dozen plastic eggs with all sorts of chocolate treats, I noticed that I really enjoyed smelling the chocolate, but had absolutely no desire to eat any. That was cool!

Here I am, almost 3 weeks into my new way of eating, and I am amazed and thrilled to notice that my old hooks to certain foods seem to be gone. It’s strange because it’s so new. But I’m totally loving the difference. It’s beyond cool that all of my hard work is coming together. And a lovely side effect of all of this is weight loss. Notice that I said, side effect. The goal is to eat in such a way that my blood sugar gets happy. I know that losing weight will help it, too. But that is not the primary goal these days.

The most recent new piece of information I received through a hypnosis session was that I need to love my heart. Literally. I asked my body what was going on with having high blood sugar, and what I saw was my black and blue, bruised and battered, sorrow-filled heart that was barely beating. It was beyond sad. As a child, I had never learned to love my heart. Then, I was given the message that all I had to do was open my heart and let love in. As soon as I saw my child-self do that, my heart pinked up, began pumping with vigor and vibrancy, and became so very happy. Then I sent the love energy all around my body, bathing my organs and systems in it. Pretty soon, my organs were so happy they were having a party. I also got the message that I need to remind myself on a regular basis to invite this healing love into my heart and body. To help accomplish that, I am writing a meditation that I will record and listen to regularly.

One challenge I’m still working on is the exercise piece. Being this out of shape and having a foot that gets quite sore when I’m up on it and walking a lot, is discouraging. But I’m trying. I know I’ll make progress on that, too, eventually.


Posted in Energy Therapy, Holistic Healing, Hypnosis, The Voyage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments